Why We Struggle in Relationships- Introduction

So far this blog has offered practical tools, insights, and encouragement to get unstuck in our relationships.  Some of us may be asking or have asked the question-  “WHY has it been difficult to maintain healthy relationships and to take care of my own needs?”  There comes a point in our journey toward fulfillment when we desire/need to know the source of our struggle.

 In the next few weeks, we will explore the following:

• Unhealthy family ‘scripts’
• Limited Parenting Skills
• Fear of Abandonment

Every person and every situation is unique and complex. With that in mind, I recognize it is not possible to explore in detail all of the factors contributing to our difficulty in relationships, however, there may be some shared experiences among us.  My goal is to touch the surface of these experiences. To truly understand our own emotional ‘blocks’ that keep us stuck, it is most helpful to seek assistance from a caring and knowledgeable professional.

Next week, we will explore ‘scripts’ communicated in our family system which foster feelings of resentment and guilt.

The Season is Upon Us- Part 3- Expressions of Care

The world around us is filled with all kinds of expression.  Trees and flowers bend toward the sun’s rays, bees hover over an exceptionally sweet flower, blades of grass turn brown when they are thirsty.  Human beings are part of nature and they have different ways of expressing themselves as well.  During the winter holidays it can be helpful not to judge other forms of expression but to try and understand the message behind them.

The following ideas may be helpful:

Look Behind the Action-  Some families are able to verbalize their care and concern and to actually say, “I love you” or “I love sharing the holiday with you”.   Other families express themselves in different ways.  It can be helpful to look for the sentiment behind the actions of others.  In some families, cooking and sharing food, ironing a shirt, or picking up some key ingredient at the store is a way to express care.  It may be easier for these individuals to offer something concrete and tangible.  

Value the Obvious-   We may overlook the care, time, and effort invested in things that we have stopped noticing because they have always been there.  Consider the care behind a holiday display, decorations, or a table setting.  

Take Things at Face Value- Some relationships may not offer the closeness we desire throughout the year.  During the holiday season, a person may feel that they have ‘permission’ to express themselves more openly, that it is somehow less of a risk at this time.  Rather than dismiss these once-a-year expressions of love and concern, we can take them for what they are in the moment and let go of our resentment.

Be the Difference- We may long for others to set aside their resentments, bitterness, or sadness, during the holidays, however, it is most helpful to keep the focus on ourselves.  We can be the example of holiday spirit acting with compassion, openness, forgiveness, and optimism.  The energy we bring to a situation does affect others in either a negative or positive way.

May we all strive to discover our own forms of expression and to share them in our relationships. Have a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season….

The Season is Upon Us- Part 2- Others' Expectations of Us

Now that we have explored the expectations we hold toward other people, it may be helpful to look at others’ expectations for us. For many of us, it is necessary to set aside others’ expectations and honor what makes us feel positive about ourselves.  We can choose to engage in activities that create feelings of peace and well-being.

The following ideas can be helpful:

Create Options- It may be necessary to let go of the ‘all or nothing’ mindset and look at our options.  We can spend some time at a family gathering and then designate time to fulfill our own needs/wants.  We  do not have to cancel plans entirely, just leave some time free to engage in less stressful activities.  If we are obligated to entertain guests at our own home, we need to explore what would make us feel less frustrated and more able to enjoy the moment.  We could cook and hire a server, we could have food catered, or serve a buffet of appetizers rather than have a sit-down meal.  It is important to keep this in mind- if an activity creates more anxiety, self-criticism, or anger than we can tolerate, we have the right to say ‘no’.

Take a Time-out- For some of us, certain people ‘push our buttons’ and do not always bring out the best in us. These are individuals we need to interact with in small doses.  We can do this by taking small breaks throughout the gathering- visit the restroom, take a short walk outside, find a quiet spot inside or out and refocus.  We can take some deep breaths or repeat a positive affirmation to ourselves.  If we might not remember it, we can write it down and keep it in our pocket or purse.  It can be one or two words or one or two sentences.  It should help us reconnect with what is positive about us and be in the affirmative.  Here are some examples:

“I will let go of others’ expectations”

“I have worth regardless of what I accomplish in the day”

“I can take it one day at a time or one minute at a time”

“I do know what is best for me”

“I will keep the focus on myself”

May we all be open to the possibilities of the season, do what creates a sense of well-being, and share that with others.  

The Season is Upon Us- Part 1- Expectations of Others

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."
                                                                                
                                                                                               -Wayne Dyer

For some of us, Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of a spirited and joyous time of connection and closeness with others.  It can also mark the beginning of a season of stress, frustration, and at times, sadness.  Some of these latter emotions can be lessened if we are able to identify and challenge our expectations of other people.

I once attended a workshop on coping with grief.  The presenter had years of experience working in a hospice agency helping people deal with end-of-life issues.  She described a funeral where arguments filled with accusations, name-calling, etc.  took place among family members.  Those of us in the workshop reacted with disgust and disbelief, however, the presenter had not been surprised.  She reasoned that if this type of interaction is ‘normal’ for the family, then why wouldn’t they interact this way?  They do not know any other way of being with one another.

I am certainly not equating a funeral with the winter holidays, however, some of us tend to expect others to behave differently during the holiday season.  It can be helpful and, indeed, liberating to recognize that change requires more than external influences.  It requires inner exploration, what some of us call ‘soul-searching’.  External events, like a holiday, can trigger our motivation to engage in this process, however, in order to step out of the familiar and to really change our interactions with others, we need to focus on our own actions/thoughts/feelings and let go of our expectations.  It is essential to keep in mind that we have the power to do this for ourselves, but not for other people.

It is important to create more realistic expectations, based on who the other person really is rather than how we think they should be acting.  That being said, it is also important not to tolerate any form of abuse. When we expect others to behave as they usually would, we are less likely to feel disappointed and frustrated, and this, in turn, can actually improve our interactions.

So, let’s keep the focus on us and make a commitment to adjust our expectations to what ‘is’. 

Next week, we will explore how to cope with other people’s expectations of us and to find peace during the holidays.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 2- When and How to Set Boundaries

Part of getting unstuck in our relationships may be to tighten our boundaries with people who are  ‘toxic’ to us or, in some instances, to eliminate contact altogether.  It is important to know how much toxicity we are able to take in and tolerate and whether we can maintain a particular relationship and still walk away with a positive sense of self. When our sense of self becomes distorted in a way that leaves us feeling depressed, anxious, or consumed by guilt, it may be beneficial to cut off contact with that person.

Whenever we choose to tighten boundaries or suspend contact with another person, it is important to do so in a way that maintains our own integrity as well as the other person’s.  We need to communicate our intention directly to the other person.  By doing so, we will feel empowered, competent, and more likely to put our words into action.

Here are some essential guidelines to consider:

Always communicate using ‘I’ statements.  Avoid accusations and placing focus on what the other person did or said.

Be specific.  Avoid exaggerations like, ‘never, always, every time, etc.’  Speak about a particular situation or incident.

Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Try not to assume what he/she is thinking or feeling.

Allow the other person to own his/her feelings.  Do not take responsibility for the person’s reaction to you.  You can simply state, ‘I am sorry you are feeling that way’ or ‘I am sorry this is difficult, painful, etc. for you.’

Know when to end the conversation.  Express yourself and make your intentions known, but do not over-explain or try to force the other person to ‘get it’ by repeating the same thing over and over.

Setting boundaries takes practice.  We do not have to do it perfectly as long as we treat others with respect and dignity.  It is important not to measure our own relationship behaviors by another person’s inability to accept our words and actions.  If we have neglected our boundaries for some time in the relationship, it is likely the other person will resist our attempts to tighten or re-establish them.  Not only is this okay, it is necessary to the process of building healthier relationships for ourselves.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 1- What is a Healthy Boundary?

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS:

Saying in a calm manner, “I am not comfortable with (fill in the blank), but thank you.”

Responding to a request- “ I am not sure, can I get back to you?” When you are comfortable, get back to the person.

Saying, “I am not able to discuss this right now” and then DO NOT discuss it.

Using the terms, ‘if’ and ‘then’.

   Example- “If you continue to speak to me that way, then I will have to leave”. When the person   continues, then you LEAVE.  

   Example- “If you insist on calling me that, then I will have to hang up the phone”. When the person calls you that again, you HANG UP the phone.

Before making a decision that involves another person, taking the time to check with him/her first and then moving forward.

Giving what we can and doing for others what we are able to because it is what we truly wish to do.

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS NOT:

Saying ‘yes’ to someone, carrying out the action, then expressing annoyance in the presence of the other person because you really wanted to say ‘no’.

Feeling pressured to provide an answer and saying what you think the other person wants to hear.

Engaging in an argument with someone by throwing accusations, explanations, etc. back and forth without any sign of a resolution or understanding.

Discussing an issue with someone when you feel emotionally vulnerable or concerned for your physical safety.

Agreeing to something on someone else’s behalf and then becoming angry and defensive when the other person does not wish to go along with you.

Giving to others until we have nothing left to give and then blaming others when they ask for more.

As you may have already recognized, one of the key elements in setting boundaries is to mean what you say and say what you mean.  It is about following through with our actions.  There is truth to the saying-“Actions speak louder than words.” It is important to let others know that there is intention behind your words. 

That is not to say that as we practice setting boundaries there won’t be times when we have trouble following through, however, we need to have this as a conscious goal and to believe that the relationship and our own sense of self will benefit from our efforts.

Next week, we will discuss when it is necessary to set  boundaries in relationships and how to communicate that in a healthy way.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Introduction

 In order to understand what a boundary is we can compare it to the skin of the human body.  Our skin protects us from dirt, toxins, and bacteria in the environment.  Just as our skin creates a boundary against harmful elements, the boundaries we establish in relationships can protect us emotionally from ‘toxic’ people- the ones who ‘push our buttons’ so intensely that we react in ways which leave us feeling guilty, ashamed, and frustrated.

In the next few weeks, we will explore:

·         The nature of boundaries

·         Healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors 

·         How to establish and maintain boundaries

In the next chapter, we will answer the question, “What is a healthy boundary?” with examples and specific ideas on how to communicate boundaries through our words and actions.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part3 -Using the Tools

Now that we are able to recognize our own need/desire to make someone else different than who they are, we need to accept that what we are doing in order to change the other person is not working.  There is a another approach. When we stop reacting and stop taking on someone else’s ‘stuff’, the other person is then able to focus on their own actions/thoughts/feelings without being distracted by our demands and expectations.  The result is that both parties become better able to keep the focus on themselves and positive change is more likely to occur. This is healthy detachment.

The following tools can help us to practice healthy detachment:

Set and maintain boundaries- It is important not to engage in ‘verbal tennis’ with another person.  There is nothing to be gained by throwing accusations back/forth or constantly defending ourselves.  We can tell the other person that we are not comfortable discussing the matter and need to either, move on to another topic or take a break and speak at a later time.  We need to be clear and direct.  Sometimes, words are not effective.  We may then need to take action and end the conversation by walking away or putting the phone down.

Give information only-  It can be helpful to express what we think/feel with the intention of giving another person information about us, not to influence his/her thoughts, opinion, perspective, etc.  Say something once and then let it go.  We are less likely to feel frustrated and resentful if our goal is to simply put the information out there and not expect the other person to ‘get it’ or accept it.  If the person does not get it’, there will probably be another opportunity in the future to express it at a time when he/she is more ready to hear it.

Respect the journey-  Each person has their own path toward peaceful and healthy living.  We cannot speed up, slow down, or stop someone else’s journey.  Wherever someone is situated on their journey is where he/she is supposed to be.  We have our own path. Sometimes, part of our journey is to become better at practicing healthy detachment in our relationships.  By doing so, we may come to feel a sense of gratitude for the relationship as we embrace the challenge and begin to gain control over our own lives.

May we strive to embrace opportunities to practice healthy detachment in our relationships and, by doing so, bring peace and fulfillment to ourselves and others.

Feel free to share your own opportunities to practice healthy detachment in relationships by posting a comment below.

                                                                                 

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 2- When We Don't Detach

For many of us, feeling responsible for other people can be overwhelming. We may become consumed by the responsibility and neglect our own needs and wants.  True concern for someone else can intensify to such a degree that it ends up draining our energy and creating feelings of resentment. This keeps us connected to the person in a negative way.  Healthy detachment allows us to remain supportive without taking on responsibility for another person’s feelings and actions. 

When we don’t practice healthy detachment, we may experience the following:

Angry outbursts- When the person we care about does not accept our advice or repeats dysfunctional behaviors in relationships, we may experience such a high level of frustration that we eventually ‘blow up’ at the other person, make derogatory comments, yell, accuse, or, even, threaten.  The message is- you are acting in a way that I dislike so much it is making me lose control of myself. 

Silent treatment-  We may experience anxiety or some form of discomfort when angry feelings are triggered.  In response, we may keep quiet in a relationship in order to avoid saying or doing something in anger.  Keeping quiet  can also be a way to ‘punish’ the other person. The message is – if you don’t behave the way I want you to, I will abandon you. When we practice the silent treatment we are making ourselves emotionally unavailable and the other person may eventually stop communicating altogether. Without communication, it is likely nothing will change in our relationship.

Repetitive dialogue- There is a very helpful saying in the Al-Anon Family Groups- say something once, you are offering information. Say something more than once, you are trying to control. We may repeat the same suggestions or verbalize how the person makes us feel over and over, hoping that it will somehow get into his/her brain and make them be the way we want them to be. However, repetition can have the opposite effect when our voices become ‘noise’ and the other person eventually stops hearing what we are actually saying. 

This can post can help us to think about how we may be preventing positive change from happening.  Feel free to share your thoughts and reactions by posting a comment below.

The next chapter will offer tools to help us practice healthy detachment.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 1-The Nature of Healthy Detachment

For most of us, when we hear the word ‘detach’, we think of behavior that is cold, uncaring, and selfish.  However, when practiced in a healthy way, detachment can demonstrate compassion, genuine concern, and respect for another person.  It is the art of allowing people to be who they are, not who we want them to be.  

Here are ways in which we demonstrate healthy detachment:

• When we let go of our expectations of others and do not try to make them fulfill our own wants/needs, we are practicing healthy detachment.   
• When we are able to remain in a place of joy or satisfaction while being in the presence of someone who is in a negative place, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we refrain from offering advice and ways to ‘fix’ things, but truly listen to someone else, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we allow someone to make his/her own decision and follow through with it, even though we believe it will not have a beneficial outcome, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we appropriately set a boundary with someone by refusing to engage him/her in an argument, we are practicing healthy detachment.

One of the most important aspects of healthy detachment is the ability to remain open to possibility in our lives- embracing the joy to be found in relationships and the courage within ourselves to grow as individuals, even though someone we care about is struggling.

The next chapter will look at how our lives are impacted when we are unable to detach.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Introduction

There comes a point in time when we need to recognize that every one of us has ‘baggage’, problems, ‘stuff’, however you wish to say it.  Our goal in life is not to embark on a search for people who lack these things, but to engage in a journey that helps us to embrace opportunities in which we can practice healthy detachment in relationships- allowing others to own their ‘stuff’ and to maintain a clear focus on working through our own struggles.  When each of us practices healthy detachment, relationships become more clearly defined, purposeful, fulfilling, and balanced.

I
N THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, THIS BLOG WILL EXPLORE:

·         The nature of healthy detachment

·         What happens when we do not detach

·         Tools to help us practice healthy detachment

Next week, we will begin to explore the nature of healthy detachment and how that can bring  peace into our lives.

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 4-Challenging the Resistance

How do we view change?  Is change something to be tolerated and endured?  Is change avoided at all costs?  Is change exciting and filled with hope for better things? Our present situation, relationships, material possessions, neighborhood- all of it is in a constant state of change.  How we perceive and respond to change can determine whether we stay ‘stuck’ in our lives and our relationships.

The following actions can help us to work toward challenging our resistance to change:

1.       Reassess our support system-  Many of us fear change will lead us into an even worse situation than we are currently experiencing.  How many of us are familiar with the message- “Just leave well enough alone”, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.  The future can look hopeless if we are hearing messages like this from those around us.  It is important to recognize when other people are imposing their fear of change onto us.  When this happens we experience a vicarious feeling that does not belong to us.  In order to counteract this we need to broaden our support network and ensure that it contains individuals who can inspire us to grow beyond our current circumstance.

2.       Create a timeline of change- Start at whatever point in time you feel comfortable and chart the years in consecutive order.  Next to the corresponding year, identify what change took place in your life and how it affected you- physically, emotionally, and intellectually.  Include how your relationships at the time may have been impacted.  When you are finished, read through and notice when change has happened to you and when you have played an active role in bringing about a desired change.  Identify how each change could be/has been utilized as a growth opportunity and whether or not you view the change as positive or negative.  Jot down your reactions to the changes at that time and make note of any feelings of resistance or fear that you experienced. Did it belong to you?  Was it someone else’s fear?

3.       Expose ourselves to ‘success’ stories of change- Read a book or view a film about a person (fictional or otherwise) who challenged his/her fear and resistance by either taking an active role in creating positive change or responding to change in a positive way. Be aware of feelings that arise in response to the other person’s struggle.

Consider some of these inspiring stories:

Shirley Valentine (play and movie version-drama/comedy)

The Enchanted April (book and movie version-drama)

Star Wars (movie- action/adventure)

The 40 Year Old Virgin (movie-adult comedy)

Sliding Doors (movie- drama)

In America (adult drama-based on true story)

It is hoped that, in reflecting upon and eventually, utilizing the insights and tools offered by this blog, we will have progressed toward creating desirable changes in our relationships with ourselves and others.

Feel free to share ways that you have challenged fear and resistance by posting a comment below.

 

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 3-Working Through Fear

When things are not going the way we planned, whether in a relationship,  job situation, or acreative project, we may experience a sense of urgency.  This urgency is often a form of anxiety or fear.  We may feel so uncomfortable with our anxious feelings that we decide to try anything we can to ‘fix’ the issue, and therefore, eliminate our discomfort.

Unfortunately, we can end up denying ourselves the opportunity to experience our true feelings, and, consequently, our true selves. Knowing our true selves is essential to making healthy choices that are the right ‘fit’ for us and creating positive change in our lives.  If we can tolerate some of the discomfort that accompanies any change, we will benefit in the long run. 

The following actions can help us to work through our fear:

·         Write down thoughts and feelings as they arise, keeping in mind that it is for your eyes only.  The purpose is to release anxiety/tension and to put your thoughts/feelings ‘somewhere’ outside yourself.  Holding onto them can affect us in a negative way and interfere with our ability to enact change.

·         Engage in a self-inventory of your strengths, interests, skills, natural abilities, and accomplishments. Write them down and then, read them out loud to yourself once each day.

·         Talk about your thoughts/feelings with other people, however, share with the intent to release them, not to solve or fix anything. 

·         Go ‘back to basics’ and ensure that you are taking care of yourself and engaging in healthy daily activities, such as getting enough rest, hydrating, getting physical exercise, etc.

·         Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and meditate on the phrase- ‘This too shall pass’.  Remind yourself that feelings are like ocean waves.  They rise up, touch the surface, then flow out again.  Whatever emotion we are experiencing in the moment is only temporary.

 When we are able to work through our fear, we can regroup and re-examine the situation.  We will then be able to respond to change in a more effective way.  Once we allow ourselves to confront our fears, we can begin to take steps to challenge the resistance. 

The next chapter will provide the tools to do just that.

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 1- Resistance and Fear

What is resistance? It is often the result of a conflict between what one knows on an intellectual level and what one feels emotionally.  How many of us nod and say, “ I KNOW he or she does not make me happy, but….” There is ‘something’ getting in the way of making a change.  It is important to note that very often there are practical obstacles to moving on, like finances, health issues, etc.   It is also important to recognize that many people are as we say, ‘their own worst enemy’.  We need to explore the ‘emotional blocks’ that cause our resistance. The basis of these blocks is very often fear.

Some of these emotional blocks can include:

Fear of failing- We may have been conditioned to view our experiences in ‘black/white’ terms which can make us inflexible and prone to feelings of frustration.  If we define ‘success’ as the achievement of one specific outcome and that outcome does not occur, we are likely to view it as a failure.  However, if we broaden the definition of success to include the demonstration of qualities like determination, creative thinking, and patience, we will be able to focus more on the process of the experience and the amount of effort expended rather than on the end product.  Ultimately, we will feel better about ourselves, learn from our actions, and be more likely to ‘bounce back’ and try again.

Fear of other people’s opinions/reactions to us- It can be a challenge to choose paths that foster our growth when we are in a relationship in which we allow  another person’s expectations to define who we are.  We may fear the person's anger, disappointment, or abandonment if we make a change in our lives.  If we are unhappy or unfulfilled in a relationship, then it is our responsibility to change that.  It is important not to wait for others to change.  We need to focus on the person we can influence the most- OURSELVES. 

Fear of making our own decisions – We may come from a family situation in which we were not trusted to make decisions.  We then interpreted this lack of trust to mean we are not capable, avoided making decisions for ourselves, and were denied the opportunity to learn healthy decision-making tools.  We need to demonstrate to ourselves that we are capable of learning these tools.  Some of us allow other people to make our decisions so that we are not responsible for a negative outcome. When we avoid taking responsibility, we are not only left feeling powerless, but consistently denied a feeling of true accomplishment. 

The first step toward getting ‘unstuck’ is to identify our own emotional blocks.  In order to break through these ‘blocks’ we need to recognize when resistance is being triggered.

 In the next chapter we will discuss what our fear of change might ‘look’ like.

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Introduction

We may know other people or have ourselves experienced relationships that are detrimental to one’s mental and/or physical health.  Individuals who remain in unhealthy relationships are intelligent people who know that a certain situation is making a negative contribution to their lives, however, their own resistance prevents them from taking steps to change it. The source of this ‘resistance’ is often a feeling of overwhelming fear. 

In the next few weeks, this blog will explore how to overcome our own resistance and help us to:

·         Understand the relationship between resistance and fear

·         Recognize how resistance manifests itself

·         Work through our feelings of fear

·         Utilize tools to challenge the resistance

Change is a requirement for growth and our relationships with other people are opportunities for that growth to occur. 

 In the next chapter, we will look at how resistance and fear are connected.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 4- Lack of Goal-Setting

We need to establish both short- term and long-term goals if we want to experience fulfillment in our lives.  Some of us may have been part of a family where members set goals that were not the right ‘fit’ for them, based on what others told them was ‘right’.  Still others may have set unrealistic goals without the guidance or encouragement to allow both strengths and limitations to inform their choices.  This made it difficult to see options from a more balanced perspective.

Being able to recognize and work with our strengths and limitations is one of the key elements in setting healthy goals for ourselves.  The more knowledgeable we are about our skills, talents, and abilities as well as ‘weak’ or underdeveloped areas, the more realistic our goals will be and the more likely we will reach achievement.

Keep in mind these 2 important principles:

1.  When we gain knowledge of a limitation, we can then take steps to strengthen that part of ourselves, either by taking a course, reading helpful information, or practicing the particular skill more diligently.  It can feel uncomfortable for some of us, even shameful, to recognize where we are limited.  We may have experienced severe criticism in our family when we achieved a less than perfect outcome.  We may hear this criticism repeated in our mind when we even think about working toward improving a certain aspect of ourselves.  It is important to be mindful of the messages we are generating, then, ask ourselves, “Whose voice is it?” or “When/where have I heard this message before?”  Become aware of messages that genuinely ‘belong‘ to us and those that we have been conditioned to tell ourselves and to give importance to.

2.  For some of us, it may not be just uncomfortable to recognize our limitations, but severely anxiety-provoking.  We may have experienced emotional neglect, in which both our strengths and limitations were ignored.  It is important to first recognize what we are skilled at before trying to tolerate the discomfort in addressing limitations.  We may not have been given the message in our family that, as human beings, we all struggle with limitations.  This does not diminish our worth, but reinforces our connection to all of humanity.  Most importantly, every person has some kind of strength- be it a learned skill, an inherent talent, or natural ability. 

Here is a quote from the inspirational resource, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon:

“Perfection is a long way off, but improvement can be made to happen every day.”

This blog is dedicated to helping all of us increase our self-knowledge and self-acceptance as we work toward fulfillment in our relationships and our daily lives.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 3- Sleep Habits

Sleep is a necessary part of our lives and a key element in maintaining both physical and mental health.   Research shows that lack of adequate sleep can increase the frequency and severity of anxiety symptoms and contribute to feelings of depression.  It is important to note that the amount of sleep each individual requires to feel rested does vary.  As always, be aware of your particular need.  'Rested' means that one is able to perform his/her daily tasks with adequate focus in a timely manner. 

Here are some ways to create healthier sleep habits:

1.       The information we take in right before sleep, stays in our memory. Read an inspirational book or article, watch a funny movie or television show, look through a book of photographs filled with natural wonders, animals, anything that creates good feelings or that is neutral (creates neither positive or negative feelings).

2.    Refrain from engaging in physical exercise before bed.  It raises the level of adrenaline and can prevent sleep. Give yourself adequate time to ‘wind down’.

3.       Avoid the intake of caffeine several hours before you normally turn in for the night.

4.       Unplug the clock and remove anything that reminds you of the time. This just adds pressure and reminds you that you only have a limited time to experience sleep and then you must start your day.

5.       Keep a notebook by your bed, and write down any thoughts about the day just prior to lying down to sleep.  If you awaken intermittently during the night, jot down any remnants of a dream.

6.       Don’t just lay there. Get up and do something. Go to the bathroom, have a glass of water or milk, make a cup of decaf tea.  Engaging in a repetitive activity that does not require much thought, and can be done as if by habit, can be helpful. 

Try one of these suggestions and if it isn’t helpful, go on to the next one.  Make it a work in progress and keep adding to the list as you discover ways to improve your sleep habits. You may want to keep this list handy to remind you.

Get some sleep, renew your mind and body, and start thinking about your short or long-term goals as you work toward fulfillment.  Next week, we will explore one of the key elements in setting healthy goals for ourselves.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 2- Obsessive Thoughts

When we are not getting our needs met, particularly in relationships, we may have a tendency to avoid conflict and keep quiet. As a result, we create dialogues in our head , fantasies, of what it would be like to express our true thoughts and feelings. These ‘dialogues’ drain our energy and interfere with our ability to concentrate on the task at hand. 

The following thought- stopping techniques can be helpful in managing and, even, eliminating obsessive thoughts.

The A to Z exercise can be done either with pen and paper or in one’s head.  If you are having racing thoughts accompanied by a moderate to high level of anxiety, writing this exercise will probably be most helpful.  To utilize your thoughts only, find a quiet place, sitting or lying flat.  Close your eyes, and start with the letter ‘A’.  Think of something or someone that makes you feel good about yourself, that creates positive feelings, or that you feel gratitude toward.  This can be ice cream for the letter ‘I’ and  music for the letter ‘M’ as examples.  Go on to the next letter of the alphabet and continue in the same way.  Each time you add something or someone, go back to the letter ‘A’ and repeat all of the letters that follow ‘A’ along with their positive objects.  This requires concentration and challenges your memory.  It is not important whether you reach the letter ‘Z’ or not.  The goal is to refocus your thoughts- you may achieve that by the time you reach the letter ‘H’ or the letter ‘Z’.  

Meditating on a phrase/affirmation while deep breathing can be very effective.  Follow the steps required in deep breathing (see the previous chapter on ‘Physical Discomfort’- Part 1) and add a positive phrase or sentence.  After you inhale, instead of repeating the count of 3 or 5, say the affirmation in your head, then exhale.  The phrase should be in the affirmative, such as ‘I WILL let go of others’ opinions’, rather than ‘I WILL NOT’ allow others’ opinions to affect me’.  Keep the affirmation short so that you will be able to repeat it the same way each time you breathe deeply.

I feel it is important to mention that, ultimately, the most effective way to reduce obsessive thoughts is to directly confront others and to verbalize our needs in an appropriate way. (IMPORTANT: it is not recommended confronting others when our safety may be at risk). The ‘golden rule’ in doing this is to limit one’s expectations and to remember that we are only responsible for what WE say and do- how the other person takes it and whether he/she ‘gets’ our message, is NOT our responsibility.

Very often, obsessive thinking interferes with our ability to get sleep. The next chapter will explore ways to create healthier sleep habits.

Feel free to share your own experiences with obsessive thoughts and other ideas on how to challenge them by posting a comment below.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs-Part 1-Physical Discomfort

The relationship between our minds and bodies must be taken into consideration when working toward the fulfillment of our needs.  Our bodies can ‘speak’ to us in many ways.  When our lives become unbalanced and our needs are not being addressed, some of us may experience headaches/migraines, back pain, digestive problems, hives, even mouth pain in our jaws or teeth.

There are ways to increase our ability to be ‘in tune’ with our body and to hear what it has to ‘say’:

DEEP BREATHING- Breathing is one of those bodily functions we can perform without thought, however, being aware of and focusing on our breath can be beneficial, both physically and mentally.

This technique can be done either sitting or lying flat. Close your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest.  Breathe in through your nose. As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms. Hold for 3 seconds, then exhale slowly as if you are blowing through a straw. Listen to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract. Repeat as many times as you are able or until the body relaxes and your mind is clear.

PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION- This technique can be done either sitting or lying flat on your back. Start at the feet and work your way up. The basic concept is to tense each muscle group, hold for several seconds, then release the tension. 

Let’s use your hands as an example. Take your right hand and squeeze it as tightly as you can into a fist. Hold for the count of five, then slowly open your hand. Repeat this with the other hand. For maximum benefit, when you tense, inhale deeply (see deep breathing) and hold your breath for the count, then as you release the muscle, exhale. Continue with each part of your body, alternating between the left and right sides. 

When trying these techniques, be gentle with yourself.  Pressuring oneself to ‘get it right’ or to experience a specific outcome is often counterproductive.  The goal is to relax the body, refocus the mind, and be in the present moment. 

This can be extremely challenging if our minds are filled with thoughts about past experiences and ‘what if’ scenarios about the future.

The next chapter will explore obsessive thoughts and healthy ways to manage their impact on us.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Introduction

In the last blog we touched upon the ‘signs’ or symptoms that let us know when things in our lives are not working for us.  It is hoped that some of us were able to identify how stress and unfulfilled needs negatively impact us. Let’s now address what we can do for ourselves to decrease that impact.  

In the next few weeks, we will explore various tools that can help to manage our symptoms in healthy ways.

Important points to keep in mind:

§  Often the only way to know if something will benefit us is to try it.

§  Every person is unique- not all the tools work for everyone. Find what is right for you.

§  To experience a beneficial outcome, we need to give the tools time. One or two tries may not be enough to make an accurate assessment.

§  There may be feelings of awkwardness/discomfort. This is appropriate when we are taking in new information and trying something unfamiliar.

§  We do not have to do things perfectly in order to experience benefits. We just need to be present and let the process unfold.

Here are the ‘signs’ we will be learning how to manage:

§  Physical Aches/Pains

§  Obsessive Thoughts

§  Sleep Problems

§  Lack of Goal-setting

Next week, we will explore how to manage the physical discomfort that can result from stress and unmet needs.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 5- Creating Balance

A person can be in a relationship with someone else and still maintain a sense of self.  What does that mean?  It means having one’s own friends, interests, leisure activities, and career/job path.  Most importantly, it means having one’s own sense of purpose and accomplishment independent of the relationship.  When we have a healthy sense of self, we are able to enjoy experiences without the presence of the other person-  free of guilt or fear that the other person will ‘abandon’ us.

Essentially, what we need to do is to create a balance between our needs and the needs of others in our relationships.

Having a healthy sense of self means knowing what our individual needs are and focusing on how we can fulfill them.  We can then allow others to do the same.  In this way, both parties are free to pursue their goals and to grow within the relationship. 

Eventually, we can bring our outside experiences into the relationship, share our thoughts/feelings about them, and be open to another person’s input.  This adds richness to any relationship and keeps both parties interesting to one another.

 

When we maintain balance, we experience:

·         Increased ability to satisfy our own needs/wants

·         Increased confidence in our talents/abilities

·         Freedom to pursue our dreams and for others to pursue theirs

·         Ability to enjoy our experiences more fully

·         Decreased feelings of resentment and guilt

·         Excitement within our relationships

I hope you have started taking steps toward getting ‘unstuck’, keeping in mind there is no set pace to accomplishing your goals and no step is ever too small.  Here is a quote from the oldest Supreme Court Justice in US history, Oliver Wendell Holmes. He retired from his position at the age of 90 in 1931.

“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.”

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 4-Asking for Help

In the last chapter, we made a conscious decision to get ‘unstuck’ and take action toward fulfilling our needs. We will most likely encounter others as we carry out our plan toward fulfillment. Some of these individuals may be capable of making positive contributions to our plan. 

Many of us resist ‘needing’ others.  In some families, it is considered a character strength to be able to accomplish things ‘on our own’.  In other families, help may have been offered, but with a price, which often made us feel resentful and less likely to accept help in the future.  Still in other families, help may have only been achieved by acting out in unhealthy ways that made it all too obvious we were in need.  Finally, some families may have been incapable of providing any assistance regardless of our specific needs.

There are effective ways to ask for help that maintain respect for ourselves and others and increase the chances of actually receiving that help.

The first step :

Identify a key person/people who can offer emotional support and/or concrete resources. This can include not only those in our immediate circle, but those who are part of a larger system; professionals, assistants , your local librarian, anyone who can play a part, however small, in your design to meet  a particular need.

The second step:

Decide on a means of communication. Think about how you express yourself best. Are you a good writer? Consider a written letter or email.  Do you feel more comfortable in a face-to-face encounter or are you better communicating over the phone? For those of us who resist asking for help, it may be necessary to take it in steps and start off with the least uncomfortable means and then work our way up to a face-to-face encounter. 

The third step:

Create a 'script' of what exactly to say when asking for help.  This can be memorized in your head, written down, or recorded.  Anything that makes the words flow without much struggle or anxiety.  It is important to clearly identify the other person’s role in your need and express what strengths you think they have that would be helpful.  Also, clearly state that if the person is not able to offer assistance, you would be open to contacting some person/organization they know of that could help. Think of this as a process- a long chain that connects you to the resources needed and each encounter/experience is simply another necessary link on that chain toward fulfilling your need.

The fourth step:

Keep a record of the steps taken and those still to be achieved in your plan.  As you move along in your plan, be flexible, as one encounter may add another ‘link’ to your chain and require additional steps.  Most importantly, make a note of the steps you have achieved and give yourself, literally, a pat on the back, recognizing at certain points, that it may have been a struggle, but that you took the step anyway. It is perfectly fine to feel uncomfortable, but do not let that prevent you from adding another link your ‘chain’.  The discomfort of avoiding the step will be much greater and longer-lasting than the discomfort of taking the action.

Keep reminding yourself of the following:

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end”.

This is a quote by Ursula LeGuin, an American writer of fantasy & science fiction who wrote over 30 books.

The next chapter will address creating a balance between our own needs and the needs of others.