Treatment for Codependency-Part 1- What is Codependency?

The term, codependency, first appeared in the 1970's to describe those of us in relationships with people using drugs/alcohol. Mental health professionals recognized that codependent people had developed a specific way of coping which actually kept them stuck in their relationships, despite destructive thoughts/ feelings, overwhelming dissatisfaction in the relationship, and resentment toward another person. Today, the term codependency is used to describe a broader range of individuals and circumstances.

** Some signs of codependency:

• preoccupation with pleasing others
• taking on relationships with 'needy' individuals
• obsessive worry about other people
• consistent need for others' approval
• trying to control people and situations
• fear of other people's anger as well as one's own
• difficulty asserting oneself
• fear of making mistakes
• never feeling good enough

Some situations which can cause codependent behaviors:

• being a caretaker for one's siblings
• being in a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness
• being in a relationship with someone who uses drugs/alcohol
• experiencing neglect and/or abuse as a child
• witnessing neglect and/or abuse as a child

** This is a partial list and can include many other signs/symptoms. For a complete description, read the book, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

Help is out there.  We can maintain hopeful and loving relationships and begin to live a more satisfying life. 

In the next chapter, we will identify how the therapy process specifically addresses codependency.

Treatment for Codependency-Introduction

What motivates someone to address difficulties in his/her relationships by seeking professional guidance?  Reaching out to a mental health professional often creates feelings of anxiety and overwhelm, therefore, a person often needs that ‘push’ to take the first step.

Here are some specific scenarios which often ‘push’ individuals to seek professional guidance:

• We may be struggling for years in a relationship, feeling ‘stuck’ and hopeless, when the other person’s actions create a crisis situation and we come to the end of our rope.
• We may be experiencing a significant change or disruption in our life and find we are having difficulty adjusting to the new circumstance.
• Someone close to us may have given us feedback about our behavior or appearance and suggested we seek professional help.
• We may be aware of a positive change happening in someone else’s life and relationships, recognize it as something we would like for ourselves, and decide to reach out to a professional in the same way.

Many of us contemplate starting mental health treatment but something gets in the way of taking action, possibly fear, doubt, hopelessness (no one can help me), guilt,  and/or shame.  Sometimes it happens that all of the elements of our life come together and create a time of readiness for us to get unstuck.

In the next chapter, we will define the term, ‘codependency’ and identify specific signs and symptoms.

Spring Has Sprung- Positive Growth in Relationships

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” 

-- Lao Tzu (570-490 BC) Founder of Taoism

Getting unstuck in our relationships is a process that requires patience, trust, flexibility, and nurturing- not unlike nature’s process during springtime.  Spring demonstrates some valuable ideas that we may benefit from on our own journey toward growth.  We just need to take a few moments and consider the world around us.

Patience- It can be a challenge waiting for the colors of spring to appear, particularly after a harsh winter. We may visit the local nursery too soon, expecting summer flowers to be on display and feel frustrated having to put our gardening/landscaping plans on hold.  It can be a humbling experience to accept nature on its own terms and according to its own schedule. Practicing patience in our relationships can be challenging as well.  We may have struggled for months or years in relationships that triggered feelings of fear, despair, and/or frustration before we became ready for change. It is helpful not to force change to occur, but to remain relaxed and open to opportunities that do come our way.

Trust- It can be an amazing experience to watch fragile flower bulbs discover life after enduring the long winter months.  There is much that happens beneath the surface of the soil.  Even though we cannot see the process, we can trust that at the start of every spring, the bulbs will eventually sprout, push upward, and show themselves.  This can be true of our own growth in relationships.  We may not be able to see how exactly we are changing and moving toward healthier relationship behaviors, however, that does not mean change is not happening. We can trust in ourselves and our ability to truly know deep down beneath the surface what is right for us.

Flexibility- Plants, trees, and flowers adapt well, which enables them to survive.  Just as leaves bend and reach toward the sun’s rays, we often need to bend and reach toward a new perspective in our relationships.  New relationship behaviors require some adjustment and we may feel uncomfortable at first, but once achieved, we will flourish and feel re-energized.

Nurturing-  Just as the removal of weeds allows growth-inspiring nutrients to reach plants and flowers, letting go of relationships that keep us stuck, nurtures our strength and ability to create positive change.  It is important to remind ourselves that people enter our lives for various reasons- some for short periods of time, some for years.  Sometimes, we find that we no longer connect with another person because we have made significant internal changes and no longer function in a way that supports the relationship.  We do not have to judge this as good/bad but part of the process of getting unstuck in our relationships.

May the spirit of springtime inspire us to embrace opportunities for positive change.