Emotional Abandonment-Part 4- Healthy Options

When we experience feelings of anxiety related to being emotionally abandoned, it can be difficult to think of options.   Anxiety often interferes with the ability to reason things out and we may end up making quick decisions, especially for those of us who fall into the category of ‘people pleasers’.  When someone approaches us with a request, we may instantly reply ‘yes’, however, there may be other responses that consider each person’s needs. 

Here are some ways to create options for ourselves:

Recognize and let go of feelings of urgency.  Most often, we do not need to respond or to make decisions immediately.  We can give ourselves the benefit of time.  It can be helpful to say to someone, “Can I get back to you?”  or “I need to get back to you on that”.  This gives us the opportunity to THINK rather than be influenced solely by our emotions and the fear that we will be rejected.  It also gives us a chance to talk things through with someone else who can provide more objective feedback.

Think ‘yes, but…..’  We can agree to another’s request and still meet our own needs.  When we get back to the person about our ability to agree, we can fulfill the other person’s need on our time.  It does not have to disrupt our schedule or interfere with other obligations.   It is important to remind ourselves that once we make an offer, it is the other person’s responsibility to accept or not.  If the offer still does not meet another’s needs, we are not obligated to continue negotiating with him/her, unless we choose to do so.

Here is a final thought on helping to meet someone else’s needs:

Don’t expect reciprocity.  When we make an offer to someone, it is helpful to do so without expectations.  If our actions are true to our intention of helping someone else, we can let go of the idea that the other person ‘owes’ us.  Sometimes, we may feel we owe others when we accept their help, however, other people do not necessarily feel that way.  That is our 'stuff' and it is important to own it. If we are truly uncomfortable with another’s request, it is our personal right to say 'no'.  This demonstrates respect for others as well as ourselves.

It is my hope that this blog inspires positive change in our relationships.  May we all strive to create open and loving relationships with others.

Emotional Abandonment- Part 3- Self-Criticism

We may be striving for perfection in ourselves in order to avoid upsetting other people.  In addition, when someone we care about expresses disapproval or disappointment in our actions, we may feel so anxious about being emotionally abandoned that we channel the feeling into self-criticism.  It is as if we are agreeing with the person who ‘abandoned’ us in order to stay connected to him/her. Unfortunately, ‘beating’ ourselves up on a consistent basis interferes with our self-esteem, our sense of competence, and our ability to learn and grow from life experiences.

It is really about finding balance in relationships.  We need to acknowledge and reinforce our separateness from others while also acknowledging our connectedness.  When we recognize that we can be in a relationship and still maintain our sense of self, we can then tolerate differences between us and the other person.  If he/she sees us in a critical light, we can allow the other person to think/feel the way they do, but not take it in and/or adopt the same thoughts or feelings and, essentially, still feel good about ourselves.  When we have a firm sense of self, we are better able to utilize the other person’s input as constructive criticism without reacting and taking it too personally.  

Accepting other people’s views/opinions as constructive criticism is difficult if we are striving for perfection.  It can be freeing to acknowledge that we are all human and that our purpose here is to grow and learn from our experiences and from other people.  It is important to explore the source of the standard of perfection by which we judge ourselves.

We can ask ourselves:

• From whom is this critical message coming from?

• Does the message increase a feeling of confidence in my abilities or create doubt?

• Does the message help me to ‘bounce back’ easily from perceived mistakes?

• Can I think up a message that challenges the criticism in a logical/rational way?

Part of developing a sense of self is to learn how to honor and nurture that self, which is our  own responsibility.  Rather than focusing on feeling ‘abandoned’ by another person, we can ask ourselves, ‘Am I abandoning my own self?’  When we are overly critical of ourselves, we are actually abandoning that self which makes up our core being- the source for feeling centered and at peace.

Next week, we will explore healthy options for meeting our needs in relationships.

Emotional Abandonment-Part 2- Unhealthy Responses to Conflict

When disagreements arise our anxiety about being emotionally abandoned is often triggered.  It is important to consider the way in which we react to the conflict, which can help us to resolve the current issue or expand the problem, resulting in a full-blown relationship crisis.

HERE ARE SOME UNHEALTHY RESPONSES TO CONFLICT:

Engaging in a verbal tennis match- This back/forth dialogue is often made up of accusations, counterattacks, defensive statements, and, even name-calling.  Even though the other person is ready and willing to engage in a ‘match’, we do not have to participate.  We have a choice.  Anxiety often overwhelms our ability to think rationally and it is difficult to even recognize that we have a choice.  We need to practice, practice, practice.  We can begin by increasing our awareness.  

Once we can identify that a ‘match’ is taking place or is about to, we can try the following tactics:

·         Close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and acknowledge any feelings of anxiety while in the situation.  Take an inventory of your body, focusing on those areas most likely to hold stress like the neck/shoulders, lower back and buttocks.

·         Literally, sit back or step back, and refrain from saying anything in response to the other person.

·         When there is a pause from the other person, state in a calm (you can fake it) and low tone of voice, “I would like to discuss this in a calm and helpful way.  Do you feel this is possible right now?” If there is no pause from the other person, inform him/her that you will discuss this at another time and walk away, hang the phone up, remove yourself from the situation.

Giving in to Compulsive Behaviors- When someone is unhappy with us, we may experience a feeling of urgency that drives us to do something to ‘fix’ the conflict. We may make repeated attempts to contact that person through phone calls, text messages, or emails and continue to do so, even though he/she is not responding.  We may contact other people to discuss the conflict and go over the situation multiple times with multiple listeners.  These behaviors not only drain us and leave us feeling helpless, but often interfere with our responsibilities at home, work, and school.  Even though we may feel driven to make things better, we do have a choice. 

Once we can identify these repetitive behaviors, we can try the following approach:

·         Create a ‘stop sign’ and post this in areas you frequently occupy.

·         The stop sign is your cue to refrain from taking any action and engage in a time-out.

·         While in time-out,  refocus the thoughts that compel you to repeat a behavior.  Do this by closing your eyes and repeating an affirmation out loud or in your mind. 

** Here are some affirmations that might help:

Think.

Don’t just do something, sit there.

Things that are important are rarely urgent and things that are urgent are rarely important.
**Adapted from the Al-Anon Family Groups literature

Emotional Abandonment-Part 1- People-pleasing Behaviors

Hidden behind our need/desire to constantly please others is often an overwhelming feeling of anxiety.  This anxiety is the fear that other people will abandon us if we disappoint, upset, or anger them.  When we experience a sense of emotional abandonment, we feel that another person does not love/like us anymore.  While we can strive to keep someone else happy, there is a high price- the breakdown of our identity and self-worth.

HERE ARE SOME SCENARIOS IN WHICH PEOPLE-PLEASERS OFTEN ENGAGE:

• Agreeing to lend someone money or belongings when that person has not demonstrated ability or desire to return it in a timely manner, in original condition, or at all.  This causes us feelings of anger, which we are able to recognize, but agree despite them.
• Agreeing to engage in an activity/function that we have felt uncomfortable with in the past, but continue to do so despite our feelings.
• Agreeing to take on responsibilities/tasks that do not belong to us and which the other person is capable of performing.  We agree to do it despite our feelings of annoyance and confusion.

An extremely important element to consider in all of the above circumstances is the inability to act on our own intuition- agreeing despite what we know and feel.  People-pleasers are intelligent beings, able to recognize the problematic areas in their relationships, however, anxiety about being rejected by other people often overrides their better judgment.  

In order to maintain our own identity and self-worth in relationships, it is essential to listen to our intuitive abilities (our ‘gut reaction’) and to honor our feelings.  Uncomfortable feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment provide us with information about whether a situation ‘fits’ with our own needs/wants.  Helping others in itself is not bad.  It can demonstrate genuine care and heart-felt generosity, but becomes unhealthy when a pattern develops in which we consistently help others at the expense of our own needs and wants.  

In the next chapter we will explore our own responses to conflict in relationships.

Feel free to share your own struggles with people-pleasing by posting a comment below.

Emotional Abandonment-Introduction

I briefly touched upon the topic of emotional abandonment in a previous blog and received much interest and feelings of connection from readers.  In the next few weeks, we will explore our fear of abandonment in relationships in more detail and address the following:

• People-pleasing behaviors
• Unhealthy responses to conflict
• Self-Criticism
• Healthy Options

Next week, we will explore our tendency to help others at the expense of our own needs.