Sunday, January 22, 2012

Why We Struggle in Relationships- Part 3- Fear of Abandonment


Children rely on their parents for basic needs such as, food, clothing, and shelter.   They also rely on them to feel emotionally safe.  When parents are unable to work through their own issues, are overburdened, or lack support from others, they may not be capable of providing that emotional safety.  They, themselves, may feel emotionally ‘unsafe’.  In reaction to this, a child may avoid upsetting the parent because this would create feelings of overwhelm in the parent, and, consequently, an angry response.
Children believe, when someone is angry with them, that the person stops loving them.  The child senses that the other person is emotionally unavailable.  Children see things in a very black/white way- good/bad, love/hate, right/wrong.  It is unlikely that a child would be able to say to him/herself- “My mom/dad can be angry with me and still love me”.  In the midst of a parent’s anger, the child feels hated in that moment and without that love, the child sees him/herself as helpless, alone, and essentially, abandoned.
A parent can help the child to feel emotionally safe through words and actions.  It is important to reinforce love for the child in that moment/situation by separating the behavior from the person- ‘I don’t like what you did, but I love you’. It is also important to establish consequences by giving the child something to do, a task or chore, that will create resolution and ‘make up for’ an unwanted behavior.  This creates a sense of empowerment for the child and a way to move on from the incident in a healthy way without resentment or self-criticism.
For some of us, conflicts, disagreements, crises never reached a point of resolution and our parent remained angry/disappointed, leaving us with the message that we were the cause of their unhappiness. This, in turn, may have left us feeling ‘abandoned’.
As adults we may then:
  • Engage in people-pleasing behaviors
  • Develop a fear of abandonment
  • Deny our own needs in order to make others happy
  • Overreact to disagreements/conflicts in relationships
  • Criticize ourselves harshly
May we use the knowledge and insights gained from this blog to get unstuck in our relationships and bring fulfillment to our lives.



Saturday, January 14, 2012

Why We Struggle in Relationships- Part 2- Limited Parenting Skills


For many of us, setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships is difficult. In order to understand why this is, it may be helpful to explore interactions within the family system, specifically the ways in which our parental figures handled boundaries.
Clear boundaries help us to develop a sense of ownership and security.  Children need to know that there are things that belong to them which no one can touch.  Parents help with this in a number of ways.  They may designate a specific room or part of a room, to the child and allow him/her to decorate it and arrange things their way without criticism or judgment.  Parents may allow the child to have several ‘special’ toys/objects that he/she does not have to share with friends or siblings.  When a child brings home a craft made in school, the parent may allow the child to decide where to display it in the home and ensure it is not moved by anyone. 
When there are no boundaries protecting what belongs to a child/adolescent, the following may occur:
What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine- For some of us, our childhood experience involved the message that whatever our parents paid for or allowed to be brought into their house was subject to their rules/wants/needs.  A child’s room was decorated according to the parent’s taste.  All toys/items were ‘up for grabs’ and refusing to share was declared ‘selfish’ or ‘bad’.  Accepting college financial assistance from parents meant pursuing a career that pleased them not the young adult.
As adults we may then:
  • Have difficulty accepting gifts/assistance from others
  • Refuse to allow others to borrow our things and if we do, feel anxious about it
  • Be inflexible to changes within our environment
  • Have difficulty allowing others into our space/home/hearts
Clear boundaries also help us to take responsibility for our actions and to make our own decisions. Parents help by allowing the child to pick out his/her own clothing or to decide on what to order at a restaurant.  When a child asks for help, the parent offers guidance, but ultimately, refuses to make the decision for him/her.  If a child/adolescent makes a decision that results in a negative outcome, the parent allows him/her to experience the consequences rather than trying to ‘make it all better’.
When there are no boundaries allowing a child/adolescent to make their own decisions, the following may occur:
Father/Mother knows best- For some of us, making decisions was influenced strongly by what our parents thought was ‘right’ for us.  We may have been pushed to make ‘safe’ choices that involved little risk, but little gain as well or to make choices that ‘fit’ with the goals of the family rather than the talents/knowledge/desires of the individual.
As adults we may then:
  • Avoid taking risks
  • Develop a fear of change
  • Develop a fear of failure
  • Feel trapped in our relationships
  • Obtain approval from others before making a decision
It is important to work toward gaining insight with the intention of creating positive change in our lives, not to accuse or blame others.
Next week, we will explore our fear of abandonment and how that impacts our relationship behaviors.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Why We Struggle in Relationships- Part 1- Family 'Scripts'

A  common difficulty in relationships is accepting and working through conflict/disagreement.  To understand why this is challenging it may be helpful to look at how conflict was handled within our family system.  The term ‘script’ is used here to describe interactions that have a repetitive feel to them- meaning that no matter what the specific issue is, individuals tend to respond in the same way each time as if they are playing a ‘role’ in a story.
The following are examples and descriptions of how unhealthy 'scripts' impact us:
The Power Struggle-  This often occurs between a parent and child. The child asks permission to engage in some chosen activity or to obtain some desired item.  The parent immediately says ‘no’ in a way that does not invite further discussion.  The child then asks, ‘why not?’ and the parent responds, ‘because I said so’ in an annoyed tone.  This places the parent in a one-up position leaving the child feeling unheard and disempowered. For some of us, this may have occurred on occasion while growing up, however, if this was the standard response to a child’s needs/wants ( a ’script’), a clear message is conveyed- your needs are not important and stop asking for what you want.
As adults we may:
  • Stop asking ourselves what we really want
  • Not ask for what we want in order to prevent another person’s anger/annoyance
  • Develop the inability to recognize our own wants/needs
  • Judge our own needs and lessen their importance
  • Experience feelings of guilt when we do fulfill our needs/wants
  • Experience overwhelming anxiety and disappointment when we our needs are not met
Let’s Pretend-   How we work through disagreements and then come together again is essential to a healthy relationship.  For some of us, as children, arguments between family members were heated and took place in the presence of others within the household. Let’s say an argument takes place one evening at the dinner table.  The two main ‘actors’ yell, talk over one another, and make accusations, until each person walks away and avoids the other’s presence for the remainder of the evening.  The next morning, the same ‘actors’ smile and talk to one another as if nothing happened the night before. In fact, the incident is never mentioned again.  If this becomes the standard way of handling conflict (a ‘script’) the other family members are left feeling confused and denied any information on how things actually get resolved. It can seem like resolution happens ‘magically’ or that the two people are pretending as if the issue has been worked out.
As adults we may:
  • Avoid conflict in relationships because it is just too confusing
  • Always expect arguments to ‘blow over’ without further discussion
  • Experience anxiety when confronted by others or when we confront others
  • Become angered when the other person wants to ‘go back’ and discuss a previous argument
  • Develop the inability to recognize one’s own role in disagreements

In the next chapter, we will explore the role of boundaries in relationships with parental figures.