Children rely on their parents for basic needs such as, food, clothing, and shelter. They also rely on them to feel emotionally safe. When parents are unable to work through their own issues, are overburdened, or lack support from others, they may not be capable of providing that emotional safety. They, themselves, may feel emotionally ‘unsafe’. In reaction to this, a child may avoid upsetting the parent because this would create feelings of overwhelm in the parent, and, consequently, an angry response.
Children believe, when someone is angry with them, that the person stops loving them. The child senses that the other person is emotionally unavailable. Children see things in a very black/white way- good/bad, love/hate, right/wrong. It is unlikely that a child would be able to say to him/herself- “My mom/dad can be angry with me and still love me”. In the midst of a parent’s anger, the child feels hated in that moment and without that love, the child sees him/herself as helpless, alone, and essentially, abandoned.
A parent can help the child to feel emotionally safe through words and actions. It is important to reinforce love for the child in that moment/situation by separating the behavior from the person- ‘I don’t like what you did, but I love you’. It is also important to establish consequences by giving the child something to do, a task or chore, that will create resolution and ‘make up for’ an unwanted behavior. This creates a sense of empowerment for the child and a way to move on from the incident in a healthy way without resentment or self-criticism.
For some of us, conflicts, disagreements, crises never reached a point of resolution and our parent remained angry/disappointed, leaving us with the message that we were the cause of their unhappiness. This, in turn, may have left us feeling ‘abandoned’.
As adults we may then:
- Engage in people-pleasing behaviors
- Develop a fear of abandonment
- Deny our own needs in order to make others happy
- Overreact to disagreements/conflicts in relationships
- Criticize ourselves harshly
May we use the knowledge and insights gained from this blog to get unstuck in our relationships and bring fulfillment to our lives.
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