Nurturing the Self- Part 3

The Nurturer part of the Self encourages us to rest and slow down, to create space when we feel overwhelmed, to connect when we need support/guidance, and to nourish our bodies.  These elements are essential to well-being, however, there is a function of the Nurturer part that may be less familiar to us.  This is the ability to emotionally self-soothe.  In order to self-soothe we need to have knowledge of what gives us a sense of safety and comfort.  In a healthy, functioning household a child learns this from a primary caretaker who is able to hold us when frightened, kiss our boo-boos, and rub away a stomach ache.  As our sense of self develops we internalize these soothing actions and ‘carry’ this internal caretaker with us as we go through life.  We are then able to access the Nurturer part as an adult and rely upon our own ability to self-soothe.  For those of us who grew up in a less functional family system, we may not have experienced this type of soothing on a consistent basis or at all, and are, therefore,  unable to access this internal Nurturer for soothing.  

This can be especially problematic growing up with family addiction.  The kind of self-soothing shown to us involved using an external object/activity like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, etc. to escape our pain.  Despite this, we can learn and become skilled at self-soothing in a healthy way. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position with feet flat on the ground and back straight which opens up the diaphragm. 

Begin by closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths.  Deep-breathing utilizes the diaphragm and is not like our regular breathing. 

Breathe in through the nose with mouth closed. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils.

As you breathe in, expand your diaphragm located right in the center under your chest area.  Rest your hand there to help you to be more aware. 

After you inhale, hold the breath for about 3-4 counts, then exhale through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  Allow the air to flow naturally.  Do not force it.  Allow your shoulders to sink down with each breath out.

Continue to take 5 or 6 deep breaths or until your breathing is slow and even and your body feels relaxed. 

Now place both hands in front of you, palms facing toward you.

Cross hands one in front of the other and link the thumbs together.  It should look like a butterfly, hence the name of this technique, ‘butterfly hug’.

Now rest your ‘butterfly’ against your chest, right under your collar bones, and gently, VERY SLOWLY pat with your hands from left to right.

Continue to pat left and right while you visualize a calm, relaxing scene in your mind.  See yourself alone there sitting, standing, or laying down.  Notice in your imagination what you can see around you- include colors, light/shadow, objects, and natural elements like grass, plants, clouds, mountains, etc. 

Next, notice what you can feel on your skin and if your body feels light, heavy, or like it is floating.  Go on to notice what you can smell-  i.e. the air, the ocean, perfume, flowers, etc., then what you can taste and hear in the scene.  Remember to just notice without any judgment or thought about what it might mean.  Be sure to continuously pat left and right VERY SLOWLY throughout this exercise.

** If you have trouble connecting to a particular sense, just let it go and move on to one of the other five senses.

It is important to remember that relaxation and exercises like the one above take time and practice.  Each time we practice is an opportunity to increase self-awareness and begin building our self-soothing ‘muscle’.  Building any kind of muscle feels uncomfortable at first, but it gradually becomes easier over time. 

We need to remember to enjoy the process and be gentle with ourselves.

May we all find the inspiration and willingness to embrace what is new and unfamiliar in order to strengthen our true sense of self.

Nurturing the Self- Part 2

Growing up in a family with addiction can cause us to feel that we are never good enough.  A person struggling with addiction is fundamentally unhappy with him/herself.  There is, essentially, nothing anyone can do and nothing outside that person that will give him/her a sense of peace, wholeness, and self-acceptance. We can try to do this out of genuine love and concern, but  our efforts will often fail and leave us feeling inadequate.  Over time, we may blame ourselves for failing and  end up punishing ourselves by being overly self-critical. In this circumstance, it is essential to develop and connect with the Nurturer part of our Self in order to tone down self-criticism and to stop emotionally ‘beating' ourselves up with very harsh, negative self-talk.  We can notice when this happens and then ask, if someone we care about made the same mistake, decision, or caused the same issue, how would we speak to him/her? 

It is important to understand that in order to keep the family system ‘running’, members often become super accommodating to the person struggling with addiction and avoid upsetting them so as not to be subjected to  anger, criticism, and rejection.  We may even create two separate systems of ‘rules’ – one for the addicted person and one for us.  It may be impossible to even conceive being negative and harsh with him/her, but emotionally beat ourselves up with ease. 

We can increase our awareness of self-criticism and begin to take steps to treat ourselves with the care and respect we give to others.

In part three of this post, we will explore a specific exercise that nurtures the Self in a healthy way.

 

Nurturing the Self- Part 1

Addiction often interferes in a person’s self-care and, as the addiction progresses, prevents a person from meeting even his/her most basic needs. When growing up in a family  where a member struggles with addiction, it becomes necessary for others to devote much time, energy, and emotion toward taking care of that person.  All members naturally adjust in order to keep the system running, however that may require each person setting aside his/her own needs. 

The ‘part’ of the Self that takes care of others can be termed the Nurturer.  This part helps us to meet the physical and emotional needs of other people, however, its purpose is also to help us take care of the Self.  In order to live a balanced life, we need ask ourselves, "Is the Nurturer part allowing us to meet our own needs in a sufficient way. 

Some signs that indicate we may not be sufficiently caring for ourselves are:

• Feeling emotionally/physically drained

• Experiencing chronic muscle tension

• Having difficulty falling asleep or sleeping through the night without feeling rested

• Having scattered thoughts or feeling ‘all over the place’

• Feeling lonely or bored even while in the company of others

• Fantasizing/Daydreaming about starting a new life somewhere else

We can begin to become more connected to the  Nurturer part by observing how we take care of others, such as providing emotional support by being non-judgmental and compassionate, cooking a meal, returning a phone call, picking up something at the store for someone else.  Once we are able to recognize all of the ways in which we nurture others we can then transfer that energy toward the Self. 

In part two of this post, we will explore how self-criticism plays a role in our lives and how the nurturer can counteract that.