Letting Go of Magical Thinking

Along with the holiday season comes music, stories, traditions, and advertisements centered around the idea of magic.  It is a time when people, especially children, can be filled with wonder and appreciation for the good deeds and caring of others, whether in our own small section of the world or within the broader community of life.  This kind of magical thinking is what can get us through the dark, cold winter months as well as the difficulties we face throughout the year.  However, there is another form of magical thinking which can get us stuck in our lives and relationships. 

Our same ability to believe in ‘magic’ may have been used by us as children facing a crisis, trauma, or chronic stress.  Children are, essentially, powerless, relying on the adults around them.  When these adults end up being in crisis or chaos, a child’s fear and confusion can become so overwhelming that he/she attempts to gain control the only way possible- through his/her own thoughts.  Through the use of ‘magical thinking’, a child believes that he/she can control when good/bad things happen.  This is demonstrated when a child becomes angry with a parent and in that instant the thought arises- ‘ I wish he/she wasn’t my mom/dad.’  If something unfortunate happens to that parent later on, the child often believes he/she caused it to occur because of ‘bad’ thoughts.

Another way this is demonstrated is when a child must face a scary situation, like going to the dentist or getting a shot at the doctor.  If the parent is struggling, in crisis, or just does not have the knowledge or tools to soothe and comfort, the child will instinctively do something with his/her feelings of anxiety.  Through ‘magical thinking’, the child builds the scenario up in his/her mind, imagining the worst, hoping deep down that this will actually make the experience/outcome less awful.

As adults, ‘magical thinking’ often comes into play when we think over and over that something bad will happen with the hope that the opposite will occur.  Later on we can tell ourselves, “see, it really wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated.”  In a way, it gives us a sense that we are preparing for the worst.  This perpetuates a scenario in which we enter uncomfortable/frightening situations from a place of consistent anxiety and disempowerment. 

In truth, rather than decreasing our anxiety, ‘magical thinking’ actually maintains a feeling of anxiety over issues beyond our control.  The constant thinking can preoccupy us and prevent us from attending to the tasks at hand.  Realistically, there is no ‘magic’ to our thoughts and, ultimately, we end up feeling physically and emotionally drained, which, in turn, makes us more susceptible to symptoms of anxiety.

We can empower ourselves and increase our resiliency, the ability to bounce back from difficulties, by identifying and working with our FEELINGS, rather than focusing mainly on our thoughts.  Our thoughts often distract us from our true emotions.  Emotions occur within our bodies, therefore, engaging in an exercise which brings awareness to the body is most helpful. 

Here is a deep breathing and visualization exercise that can be helpful:

CLOSE your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest.  BREATHE in through your nose with your mouth closed.  As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms.  Hold for 3-5 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  LISTEN to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract.  Repeat a few full sets and, when comfortable, add visualization.  As you breathe in, VISUALIZE clear, (or choose a color you connect with healing), cleansing air filling your lungs.  As you hold for the count of 3-5, imagine this air swirling or bubbling within you and mixing with the anxious energy.  Try to give this energy a color that you associate with anxiety/fear.  Then, as you blow out see, in your mind’s eye, the anxiety as air moving upward from your lungs, into your throat, your mouth, and out of your body as you blow it into the atmosphere.

It may take a few tries before we feel comfortable engaging in a relaxation exercise, however, there is no way to get it ‘wrong’.  We can do what feels right to us and keep in mind that, even though magical thinking is familiar, it is not truly helpful.

May we let go of those habits that do not  benefit us and find peace and fulfillment this holiday season.

 

Speaking our Truth

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world".

-          Gautama Buddha

When we speak our truth without intent to control, change, or manipulate someone else, we are honoring ourselves and others.  Each one of us has a voice. For some, it is quiet and not often heard, for others it is frequent and deafening at times.  Finding a balance between the two can be challenging, therefore, speaking our truth is both an art and a skill.

The following can be helpful in developing the ability to speak our truth:

Know Your Gut-  Before we can speak our truth, we need to first know what that is.  The body never lies.  It speaks to us if we are able to stop and listen.  Some people literally feel the truth in their gut, some feel it in another part of the body, like the area around the heart.  Many people feel it in their jaw muscles and throat.  We can lay down or sit with our back straight and scan our body.  With eyes closed, we start at the top of the head and work our way down, noticing any sensations;  tightness, discomfort, heaviness. These sensations can be our body’s way of saying that something needs to be voiced.  The body often holds on to the truth until we are able to ‘get it out’ and put it into words.  It is important to note that speaking our truth can be achieved through the written word as well.

Utilize ‘I’ Statements- Our words of truth need to be expressed in a healthy way that demonstrates self-respect and respect for others.  Words of truth do not blame, criticize, or shame other people. They reflect our own thoughts and feelings ONLY.  For example, rather than saying, “You are always doing things that make me feel unwanted” one can say, “I feel unwanted when you answer your phone while I am speaking.”  Not only does the latter statement utilize “I”, it also gives specific information about the circumstance.  This prevents confusion and leaves little room for interpretation.  It is clear and direct.

Let Go of Expectations-  We can remind ourselves that our primary purpose is to put our truth out there without expecting anything in return.  The other person may not be able to respond in kind and that is okay.  If we keep the focus on ourselves, we can then experience the sense of freedom and empowerment that comes from using our voice in a kind and purposeful way.

Allow Distance-  It is important to give someone else the time and space to process our words of truth.  We may want the other person to respond/react to what we have shared right in that moment.  Each brain is different and some brains need more time and space than others to process information, especially if the information triggers strong emotion or is unfamiliar.  A good reminder of this is the phrase:  “Sleep on it.”  If it is one of the first times we have decided to speak our truth, the other person may not know what to do with it in the moment.  Both individuals are sharing in a new experience and may need time to incorporate a truth into what they already know about one other.  In the long run, this will foster healing for both parties.

May we all find our own truths, the courage to voice them, and the willingness to embrace freedom.

What's the Message? Part 3- Feeding the Brain Positive Messages

While it is important to limit the negative messages our brain takes in (as discussed in Part 2), it is equally important to ensure that positive information is getting in there as well.

Here are some practices we can incorporate into our daily routine:

A Positive start – Before heading out in the morning or starting on the day’s tasks, carve out a 10-15 minute block of time.  In that time, engage in a mindfulness exercise (see the previous chapter) or a relaxation practice like the one below:  

·         Close your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest. 

·         Breathe in through your nose with your mouth closed.

·         As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms.

·         Hold for 3 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.

·         Listen to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract.

·         After exhalation and before you take another deep breath, repeat an affirmation to yourself.  It can be a single word, phrase, or sentence that motivates and inspires you.

The codependent’s prayer can be used as an affirmation to start the day:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,

Courage to change the person I can,

And the wisdom to know that is me.”

A Positive end-  At day’s end, our brain gets ready to process our experiences.  It can be helpful to write down the day’s events, unresolved issues, and any information acquired.  Journaling is a way to ‘sweep out’ residue from the day’s experiences.  This enables us to sleep with a clear head.  Once we have done this, we can ‘feed’ our brains positive/peaceful or neutral (does not trigger good/bad feelings) information just prior to falling asleep.  This can be achieved by looking through a collection of peaceful images, reading words of inspiration, engaging in a meditation like the one just mentioned, or listening to sounds/music that create calm or trigger the memory of a pleasing experience.  Sounds of the ocean, rainfall, or forest, can be found on audio cd or in certain apps.  Since there is a large amount of ‘data’ out there that is negative and, even, frightening it makes sense that many people today struggle with sleep disturbances, such as recurring nightmares, intermittent sleep, and insomnia. Go to www.cdc.gov/features/dssleep/index.html#References for more information. 

May this blog be the inspiration to experience life more fully by creating a more positive mindset.

 

 

What's the Message? Part 2- Reducing Negative Messages

We receive negative messages from a variety of sources.  Television news, radio, newspapers/journals, email notifications, neighbors, co-workers, friends, family members. For some of us, repeating negative messages to others can become a way to socialize and make chit-chat, however, the impact this has on our psyche is no less potent than watching the local news channel air one tragic event after another.  Rather than comprehensive and thorough coverage of an issue, the most shocking or attention-grabbing aspects are often highlighted. Issues are, essentially, ‘dumped’ on us, resulting in a sense of powerlessness.  Sources may offer a sentence or two, a soundbyte or headline only without exploration or a call to action.

Here are some ways to limit our daily intake of negative messages:

• Keep superficial chit chat to a minimum or maneuver it toward more inspiring headlines, witticisms or humor.

• Limit contact with those individuals who complain often or who make generalizations about the world and human nature based on isolated incidents portrayed in the news.

• Allot one specific ‘news session’ per day utilizing any one source or combination of sources and limit it to 20 minutes or less. Set a timer if necessary.

• Refrain from keeping the television on as background noise.  Only turn it on when you intend to sit and watch a specific program. When the program is finished, turn the television off.

• Turn down the volume or walk away during television commercial breaks which primarily offer products/services to minimize or eliminate something negative/undesirable about us; thin/dull hair, yellow teeth, poor memory, etc. or to convince us that life would be better if we owned certain things; faster car, more powerful appliance, bigger television, etc.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to ‘feed’ our brain positive and empowering messages.

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                               

 

 

 

What's the Message? Part 1- Increasing Awareness

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

                                                                                                         -Buddha

The first step toward creating a more positive mindset is to increase awareness of negative messages.  We can do this by becoming more mindful. To be mindful is to be fully present and aware of one’s own state of being in a given moment.  When we increase our mindfulness, we increase our ability to recognize when we are taking in information.  It is common for many of us to hear the radio, but not actually listen or to watch the television/computer, but not see the true content.   Technology can provide background ‘noise’ which fills the quiet space conducive to mindfulness.  It is important to remember that whether we are conscious of the information our brain is taking in or not, it is getting in there and impacting our thoughts/feelings about ourselves and the world we live in.

An effective way to begin practicing mindfulness is to focus on the senses.  We ‘sense’ in the moment, not the past or the future.  Throughout the day, we can stop for one or two minutes and do a sensing ‘scan’.

 Here are some questions we can ask:

What am I hearing? Try shifting this sense from the immediate environment, like the room, train car, or automobile you are occupying to the broader world outside.

What am I seeing?  Am I gazing into the distance without focus, staring at a computer screen, or seeing images in my mind of a past experience or a place I would rather be at the moment.

What am I touching?  Be aware of the physical points where your body makes contact with the material world, such as thighs resting on the chair seat, elbows on armrests, etc.  Try closing your eyes and sensing your feet (ideal situation- to be shoeless with feet planted flat on the ground) then continue upward through the body. 

What am I smelling?   Be aware of the smells around you by identifying them without judgment. 

What am I tasting?  If applicable, savor the flavor of whatever you are eating/drinking by slowing down and identifying each step- i.e. the fork/container touching your lips, chewing, swallowing, etc.

It important to keep in mind that there is no ‘right’ way to be mindful as long as we increase, by some degree, our awareness of the present moment.  Once we are aware, we can then reduce negative messages in order to make 'room' for more positive information.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to reduce our intake of negative messages.

 

What's the Message? Introduction to Creating a Positive Mindset

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

                                                                             -Norman Vincent Peale

Maintaining a positive state of mind can be challenging in today’s society. Messages of destruction, despair, and injustice are abundant.  They can be found in the written and spoken word and in images real or imagined.  We take in information and our brain processes it whether or not we are conscious of it, so that the very first step toward creating a more positive mindset is to increase awareness.  Just as it is important to be aware of the food we put into our bodies to digest, it is equally important to be aware of what kind of ‘food’ we allow our brains to digest. 

In the next few weeks we will explore how to create a more positive mindset using the following approach:

1.       Increasing awareness of when our brain is receiving negative and disempowering messages.

2.       Limiting the amount of negative messages we are exposed to throughout the day.

3.       Consciously ‘feeding’ our brains positive and empowering messages.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to increase our awareness and be more present.

 

 

 

 

A Life of Pie

Creating life balance can be a challenge for most people. For those of us struggling with codependency it can be a battle.  We, most likely, become hyper-focused on one person, situation, or activity, channeling all of our time, energy, and thought into one area of our life.  If we wind up neglecting all else, we prevent ourselves from expanding, as they say, our ‘horizons’.  The common adage, “Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket” warns against this.  Why?  In order to grow emotionally and to actualize our talents, skills, and knowledge, it is necessary to ‘stretch’ by trying new activities, taking on new projects, and forming new connections,  then incorporating them into a ‘life pie’.  This builds our reservoir of emotional resiliency, which is like a mental immune system.  It enables us to bounce back from disappointments, losses, and the various changes that life inevitably throws our way.  Rather than becoming devastated and ‘stuck’ when things don’t work out in one area of our life, we can continue to function in other areas, maintaining a sense of competence and positive energy.

If our life here on earth is a pie, then our job is to work on dividing our pie into multiple slices or areas of activity.  We need to consider the size of each slice or how much space we want it to occupy.  This correlates to the amount of time and effort we expend on a particular area and the importance we assign to it.  It is necessary to keep the size of our slices flexible as life changes occur, altering our responsibilities, interests, and relationships.  We may need to eliminate, replace, or add new slices.  

 

Here are some basic slices our life pie might include:

	Family Relationships  Peer Relationships  Relationship with Significant Other  Work/School  Leisure Activities/Personal Interests

 

 

 Just as it is important to include fresh, tasty, and healthful ingredients in an edible pie, consider the quality of what is inside each slice of our life pie.  Do the ingredients fulfill the purpose of that particular slice or could it be made more filling?  If we find that we are not expending our total effort in a certain area, maybe it is because the quality of the ‘ingredients’ is lacking and fails to motivate or inspire us.  For example, we may find that a particular relationship is no longer as fulfilling as it was several years ago when we were at a different place in our life.  We can add new ingredients or elements to the existing relationship or let go of them and start fresh with a new relationship.  Maybe we have advanced beyond our current yoga class and feel bored or unmotivated.  We can add ingredients by having a friend join us in the class, switching instructors, or trying an entirely new form of exercise/relaxation.

Consider the quantity of ingredients in each slice of our life pie.  This relates to the thickness of our slices.  Are they filled adequately or superficially, made up mostly of outer crust?  A slice may seem packed with flavorful ingredients, but when we look closer, beneath the surface, there is not enough filling.  We may want to reduce the size or percentage that slice occupies in our life pie or keep it the same size, but add some more filling to it. For example, we may want to continue devoting the same time and energy to our yoga practice, but make it ‘thicker’ by switching to a more advanced class or transferring to a different yoga studio with new instructors and students.

Consider the overall taste of each slice.  Does it cause a fresh, new, make-your-taste-buds-tingle sensation or is it the same old flavor?  Do we even notice the taste or are we going through the motions of chewing, swallowing, etc.  Sometimes, it helps to increase our mindfulness and to be more in the present moment to know how or, even, if a relationship, activity, or project is still having a positive impact on us.  We may need to take a short break when something tastes stale, add new ingredients, or eliminate that slice altogether. For example, we may be going to work each day, repeating the same routine, not being challenged, and checking out mentally and emotionally as we perform our job duties.  We may want to ask for a promotion, add new job duties, seek other employment, or decrease the size of this slice and go back to school part-time. 

The two most important things to keep in mind as we build up and explore our life pie are:

·         Be flexible and embrace options

·         Celebrate the process and know there is something to be gained  from each experience

May we cherish each moment- taking pleasure in the one slice sitting before us, just waiting for us to take a bite!

Feel free to share about your own 'life pie' and how it is both challenging and rewarding by posting a comment below.