A sense of being invisible in a conversation/situation
An immediate need for space/privacy
A sense of being attacked
The need to yell in order to be heard
Shock/confusion
In order to interact with these individuals in a way that
maintains our own emotional balance, self-respect, and sense of control, we need
to know that it is All About Boundaries. The question is: How much of the other person are we willing to allow into our physical, emotional, and spiritual space. Only we, ourselves, can know our level of
tolerance.
When setting boundaries it helps to consider the following:
Enlist help- If the
difficult person is someone we share a long history with, fails to tone down
his/her behavior, even in the presence of others, or happens to push that
especially sensitive button for us, we may need to ask for the help of someone
we trust and who agrees to lend support.
For example, we might enlist help by meeting/speaking with the person
prior to the upcoming interaction and create a ‘plan’. A cell phone can be a helpful tool. We can text the person, while in the
situation, with an agreed-upon code word/phrase like, ‘Help’, ‘Need you’, or
‘Red Alert’. This is the cue for our
support person to intervene as agreed upon.
Be super-clear and direct- While the commonly suggested
phrase, “I am not comfortable with….” sounds clear, direct, and very adult, this
may not register with a difficult person.
More often than not, a resounding ‘no’ is all that will do. How we say something is just as important as
what we say. We may want to ‘try on’
various ways of delivering our ‘no’. It can help to practice with others before
interacting with our difficult person. If
that word just feels too aggressive for us, we can try: ‘I am unable to do that, help with that,
participate, etc.’; ‘That absolutely does not work for me.’
Answer with a question-
We do not have to be put on the defensive and explain ourselves when
dealing with a difficult person. It is
important to throw the ball back into the other person’s court. We can answer a question with a question
like: ‘Why do you ask?’; ‘What makes you
ask that?’; ‘Are you uncomfortable with
that?’
Difficult people can cause us to
feel drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is necessary to truly take care of
ourselves prior to an encounter, if possible, and certainly after the encounter
if we feel out of sorts. We need to be
gentle with ourselves, try not to judge our efforts, and remind ourselves that
regardless of the outcome, an interaction is just an opportunity to know
ourselves better.
May we practice healthy boundary-setting in relationships with those we find most challenging.
