Accepting Help from Others- Part 2- How Givers Benefit

For those of us who become anxious about accepting assistance and who tend to avoid ‘bothering’ others, it is important to understand that our helpers benefit when we accept their assistance graciously and express heartfelt gratitude. 

Empowerment- When we are exposed to an individual or group of individuals who are struggling and in crisis, we may feel compassion, sadness, empathy.  These emotions can motivate us to carry out acts of kindness.  When our efforts are ‘blocked’ by another person’s refusal to accept help, we often feel helpless and ineffective.  When individuals accept assistance, they are empowering the giver as well as themselves.  Stephen Covey, best-selling author of the book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” calls this a WIN-WIN situation. 

Mind/Body Health- We now know that giving to others affects brain chemicals in a healthy way.  When an exchange of kindness takes place between individuals, serotonin, the chemical which boosts our mood, is increased for both the giver and the receiver.  Endorphines are released as well, which help us to feel pleasure and decrease our sensitivity to pain.  All of this leads up to a healthier immune system.  When we accept help from others, we offer the givers an opportunity to experience mind/body health.  To read more on this, check out Wayne Dyer’s book, “The Power of Intention”.

Increased Social Network- Very often, the most sincere and timely assistance comes from people we hardly know or have a limited acquaintance with.  Offering assistance shows care and concern and can be a way for someone, who is unsure of themselves or the status of a relationship, to initiate a connection.  Accepting help from these individuals offers the givers, as well as ourselves, the opportunity to develop a brand-new relationship or to deepen an existing one. 

May we all embrace opportunities for exchanges of kindness to happen and the chance to deepen our faith in and our compassion toward other human beings.

 

 

 

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 2- How Resistance Expresses Itself

Now that we have explored the emotional blocks that can hinder change in our lives, it is important to identify the ways in which our resistance expresses itself.  In order to work on getting unblocked, we need to become more aware of when resistance occurs.

HERE ARE SOME SIGNS THAT CAN INDICATE RESISTANCE:

Consistent use of the phrase “I know”- When we are unhappy or dissatisfied with our present circumstance, we often complain to other people, venting our frustration.  Consequently, our listener often interjects with a suggestion or encouragement about how we might make a change.    If we automatically respond with “I know”, but really don’t, this can be a way of avoiding further talk of change.  We may also truly know about what the other person is suggesting, but have not been able to act on it.  This can signify the conflict, described in the previous chapter, between our intellectual functioning and our emotional readiness to enact change.

Creating Obstacles- Whenever we step outside of what is familiar, we encounter ‘newness’.  However, our perception of what is new directly influences our ability to take a step.  Do we interpret the unfamiliar as an obstacle to achieving our goal or as a challenge which will ultimately help us to learn a new skill, develop a new talent, or add to our existing knowledge? When we learn about ways to change our situation for the better, do we find obstacles to each action?  Obstacles very often validate our fear of change and become reasons not to move forward.

Over-researching/Over-preparing- It can be beneficial to gather information and resources prior to making a change in our circumstance, however, when this step extends past a reasonable period of time, we may be avoiding making progress toward our goal. There comes a time to take action whether we feel prepared or not.  It can be helpful to establish a specific time frame as we move toward change.   

Any act of change requires an element of faith- in ourselves, other people, and the universe.  We can never know if a certain step will change our lives for the better if we do not act.

**This post can help us to think about the way our own resistance shows itself. If you would like to share your thoughts and reactions, feel free to post a comment below.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to work through our fear in order to move forward.

Accepting Help from Others- Part1- How Receivers Benefit

For many of us, accepting help from others can be a challenge. A crisis can trigger feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. Allowing others to help us can cause us to think we are ‘in debt’ to another person or in a ‘one-down’ position.  Due to this, we may deny ourselves any form of assistance.  Struggling through crisis by ourselves can give us a sense of control over a situation, however, in the long run we often end up feeling isolated, emotionally disconnected, and even more helpless.  Accepting help is an important way in which we take care of ourselves. 

HERE ARE WAYS THAT ACCEPTING HELP BENEFITS US:

Connection- When we accept help from others we are practicing cooperation and working together within our community of friends/neighbors/family.  Connecting with others fosters a feeling of empowerment, gives us hope, and helps us to keep our perspective.  When in crisis, many of us develop tunnel vision, viewing our situation in a narrow way which can prevent us from seeing options.  Other people can give us a different perspective when they are situated outside the crisis and looking in. If we are in a crisis of a more global nature, connection to others is just as important as we lean on one another for support, validation, and understanding.  This relates to the ‘all in the same boat’ concept where everyone is on equal ground. 

Humility- Accepting help from others can connect us to our spiritual selves.  A fundamental element of any spiritual practice is to be humble, acknowledging that we cannot know it all or do it all ourselves.  We are part of a greater whole- a link within the chain of our families, neighborhoods, earth, and the universe.  When we see ourselves from this perspective, we can be more open to the exchanges between links which are necessary for surviving and thriving in our world.

"Just as water cannot collect on mountain peaks, so good qualities and blessings cannot gather on the rocky peaks of pride."- Geshe Kelsang Gyatso's Transform Your Life: A Blissful Journey.

In the next chapter, we will look at how givers benefit when they offer help to others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accepting Help from Others-Introduction (Facing the Aftermath of Hurricane Sandy)

Many of us who struggle with issues of codependency experience emotional discomfort when faced with a situation in which help from others is necessary.  We may feel we are inconveniencing, annoying, or overstressing other people.  We may believe that we should be able to do it all ourselves and that accepting help means we are weak individuals. It is important to remind ourselves that we are all responsible for taking care of ourselves and, very often, this does require some form of assistance, whether it be emotional, informational, physical, or spiritual.

This blog has highlighted self-care as an essential part of getting unstuck in our relationships and our lives so that we can achieve our goals.  In the next chapter, we will explore how accepting help benefits the receiver in several ways.

Taking Steps to Achieve Mental Health-Part 2-Incorporating Insight

“What we learn to do, we learn by doing.”

-          Aristotle

In the last chapter, we explored ways to gain insight into our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  Once we have gained insight it is then necessary to incorporate it into our lives.  This may require us to step outside of our comfort zone and to ‘try on’ new ways of being in situations.  This might feel awkward at first, but we can tell ourselves that the feeling is only temporary and will lessen as we gain more experience.

Here are some ways to incorporate insight into our lives:

Keep a log- We can write down any insights we have gained, date them, and then make personal time to meditate on them. 

Accept opportunities- We need to be open to any opportunities which allow us to try out a new behavior or to confront our issues, even if this stirs feelings of anxiety, frustration, or other discomfort.

Act ‘as if’- Sometimes, we can wait until we feel completely comfortable and confident to make a change in our life, other times, it is necessary to simply act ‘as if’ we are comfortable with a new behavior or way of being.  The idea behind this is to act out the behavior so that eventually the feeling will follow.  As we repeat the behavior over and over, it becomes a more natural part of our interactions.

Reflect on experiences- We need to bring our new experiences and/or behaviors into therapy sessions and reflect on them. The therapist can help to highlight instances where we demonstrated a healthier attitude, made a good decision for ourselves, or interacted in a more effective way.  The session also gives us the opportunity to process how we felt and what thoughts we may have had before, during, and after our experiences. This can lead to further insight. 

As we progress in our mental health treatment, we may experience a ‘flow’ in which we gain insight, change a behavior/situation, gain further insight, act on that awareness, gain further insight, etc.

May we all discover the courage within to begin our journey toward mental health and bring fulfillment into our lives and relationships. 

Feel free to share your own insights by posting a comment below.

 

 

 

Taking Steps to Achieve Mental Health- Part 1- Gaining Insight

 "He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.”

-          Lao Tzu

We may begin mental health treatment having already identified a specific problem we want to address or looking for professional help in order to define an issue causing us distress.   Either way, once the issue is identified, the next step for all of us is to understand how we got to the place we are at.  If we do not have insight, we will most probably repeat the same behaviors, make the same choices, and stay ‘stuck’ in our lives. 

Here are some ways to achieve insight from the therapy process:

READ - We can obtain material related to the specific problem/issue, take notes, highlight relevant passages, and discuss this information in the therapy session.  We can search the internet.  There is bound to be an article, blog, or website that is helpful.  If non-fiction material does not appeal to us, we can search for biographical or autobiographical accounts that bring an issue up close and personal.  If we have difficulty concentrating, we can listen to a book on cd.

OBSERVE – We can watch films, plays, or television programs that address a specific issue and allow ourselves to react emotionally to what is happening.  It is important to release any feelings that are stirred either during or after the viewing. 

WRITE – We can keep a journal on the computer or in a notebook of any experiences, thoughts, feelings, and questions that arise in between therapy sessions, then bring the journal to sessions.  It might be helpful to make a notation in the margin for those parts that we wish to explore with our therapist.

SPEAK – We can talk about the past in therapy sessions and utilize those experiences as tools for personal growth.  Very often, patterns develop in our lives and we tend to react in the same way over and over, expecting a different outcome.  It is important to become aware of these patterns and to understand how/when they began.

Gaining insight into our inner selves can be emotionally challenging in the short-term, but there are long-term benefits- achieving honest and fulfilling relationships.

In the next chapter, we will explore ways to incorporate insight into our lives.

                                                                             

Taking Steps to Achieve Mental Health- Introduction

Whether we are seasoned mental health clients or entering treatment for the first time, it can be helpful to explore specific elements of the therapy process.  While our lives seem to be hurtling out of control, therapy sessions can bring us clarity, emotional balance, and reconnection with our personal and professional goals.  In order to achieve this, it is necessary to take an active role in our own treatment, outside the allotted session time as well as within the therapist’s office.

 In the next few weeks we will explore two important steps within the therapy process:

• Gaining insight

• Incorporating insight into our lives

In the next chapter, we will look at specific ways in which we can increase our ability to gain insight into our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Opportunity is Always Knocking

At some point in our lives, we may have been given advice that sounded like, “It’s not what happens to us in life, it is what we do with it that counts.”  We may have brushed it aside, been confused by it, or said to ourselves, ‘not another annoying self-help catchphrase.’  However, when we view our experiences in terms of opportunity rather than to judge them as good/bad, lucky/unlucky, we are better able to see the options available, ‘bounce back’ from disappointments, and grow as individuals.


HERE ARE SOME TOOLS TO HELP US EMBRACE OPPORTUNITY:

Flexibility-  When we make a plan, it can be helpful to utilize our plan as a guide with room for adjustment, rather than a rigid, written-in-stone  expectation.  We need to allow some flexibility for the unexpected to occur.  No matter how in-charge we may feel, life continues along on its own course, according to its own agenda and, sometimes, we are just along for the ride.  It can be a relief to discover that, when we just ‘ride’ with it, we feel less frustrated, resentful, and stuck in situations.

The experience is the goal- It is important to set goals in our life, but when our mind gets stuck on one outcome, we often lose sight of the process.  Very often, it is the process of our experiences that matters most in terms of personal growth and relationship-building.  When we appreciate the experience itself, regardless of the outcome, we are less likely to feel disappointed or unsuccessful.  When we look back on an experience, it helps to say, “Okay, that did not have the outcome I was working toward, however, what can I take from the experience itself?” Some additional questions to ask:

•  What have I learned about myself?

•  What have I learned about someone else?

•  How does this experience fit with my general view of the world?

•  If I am in this situation in the future, is there something I would do differently, and if so, what?

Develop faith- Many of us struggle with ‘should’ messages about ourselves and others.  We tell ourselves ‘this is terrible, it should not be happening’ or ‘I shouldn’t feel this way’. When we are able to utilize some source of faith (for more info, see “Practicing Self-Care- Spiritual Needs”) we come to accept things as they are and to understand that everything is as it should be.  The challenge is to learn from what happens to us on our journey and to know that we don’t necessarily have to like a particular situation or outcome in order to gain knowledge/insight from it.

Here is a quote to inspire us by Winston Churchill, Britain’s prime minister 1940-45 and 1951-55:

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Feel free to share your thoughts and reactions by posting a comment below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Practicing Self-Care- Part 3- Spiritual Needs

Each individual possesses a spirit that is unique and ever-present.  It can be challenging to describe this intangible force inside of us, however, it is beneficial to our overall health to become 'in touch with’ this spirit.  Among the many benefits it offers is a sense of life purpose, a feeling of connection, and an overall sense of peace- that everything is as it should be.  There are many ways to connect with our spiritual self. 

 Here are some examples:

Natural world- Nature can be a source of inspiration for many of us as we experience the beauty of a natural waterfall, the work of a busy ant colony, or the regrowth of spring foliage.  It is important to recognize that nature operates without thought or worry, something that is difficult for many of us.  If we can focus more on our senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, sound) it is then easier to move away from our thoughts, which can be negative, repetitive, and self-defeating.  Experiencing the natural world can help us to do this. It can be as simple as sitting in the park, closing our eyes, and trying to identify the different sounds we hear or watching and listening to the ocean tide as it crashes upon the beach, then moves out again.

Formal religion- Being part of a religious community and participating in the services it offers or just following the traditions on one’s own can help us to feel centered and part of a larger whole.  When we are struggling with some unresolved issue many of us lose our perspective and are no longer able to see the situation clearly or objectively.  When we step outside of ourselves and our situation by connecting to others, we can broaden our perspective and achieve clarity.   In addition to connecting with other individuals who share our beliefs and values, we can connect with a higher power/being.  This can bring a sense of order to the universe and our world.

Contact with an animal- At the turn of the century, the German painter Franz Marc, best known for his inspirational and colorful paintings of blue horses, expressed the spiritual energy of the animal kingdom. Getting in touch with our spirit requires us to be present - in the ‘here and now’.  Animals can be wonderful models for this as they go about their daily activities free of regret for the past and worry about the future.  We are also in a state of spiritual connectedness when we recognize and appreciate what is simple and often taken for granted.  Animals regularly engage in the simplest of pleasures- a cat stretching in a warm patch of sun, a dog picking up the scent of a cool breeze by an open window, or wild birds enjoying a quick bath in a rain puddle.  

We each have our own relationship with a spiritual self that is unique to us.  There is no right or wrong way to connect with it or to express it.  If the activity/situation helps us to feel present, at peace with ourselves, and connected, then we need to continue engaging in it as well as to keep exploring new ways to take care of our spiritual needs.

Practicing self-care requires time and effort in the present with a promise for peace and fulfillment in the future. 

May the ideas of this blog inspire us to become more capable of maintaining healthy relationships and more open to opportunities for building new ones.

Practicing Self-Care-Part 2- Emotional Needs

Now that we have explored ways to take care of our physical in the previous chapter, we need to look at how to nurture our emotional selves- essentially, how to adopt practices that help us feel good about who we are.  When we feel truly satisfied with who we are, we are much better able to let go of stress. 

It is helpful to consider the following:

Connection to others- It is important to understand that as humans, we are ‘wired’ to connect to other people, however, we need to ensure that these connections inspire and energize us rather than discourage and emotionally drain us.  For those of us who tend to isolate and emotionally withdraw when we are stressed or in crisis, it is even more important to reach out to others. We can create different types of connections depending upon our needs. In one instance we may need someone to have fun with and share laughs or an activity and in another, we may need someone to share our deepest thoughts/feelings. 

Release of Emotions- Holding our feelings inside can result in symptoms such as physical aches/pains, sleeplessness, and difficulty concentrating. Feelings are, essentially, energy.  We cannot simply ‘turn them off’ when we choose by ignoring them or pretending we don’t feel anything.  The energy will often come out in others ways that interfere with our functioning. 

Some ways to release our feelings are:

• Journaling in a notebook or on the computer

• Getting physical by punching a pillow or punching bag, dancing, singing

• Allowing ourselves the opportunity to cry without restrictions

• Engaging in an artistic activity like drawing, painting, or sculpting with clay or play-doh

Since the purpose of these activities is to express a specific feeling, like anger, fear, or sadness, it is necessary to focus on the process of the activity rather than the result.  This means we do not have to be ‘good’ at the activity, just be willing to put our energy into it.

Personal Interests/Hobbies- These activities can help us to stay in the present moment and to focus the mind.   It can be difficult for some of us to let go of problems or conflicts. We may tend to think about them repeatedly, using up precious energy, which could be put to better use. The intent behind these activities is not to express feelings, although it is okay if one does, but simply to be present.

In the next chapter, we will explore the nature of spirituality and how to nurture that side of ourselves.

Feel free to share the ways in which you are able to take care of your emotional self by posting a comment below.

Practicing Self-Care-Part 1- Physical Needs

It is important to view ourselves as whole beings comprised of a body, mind, and soul.  All of these elements are essential to our well-being and, as such, need to be nurtured.  Let’s look at the first element on this list. 

In order to take care of our own physical needs, we need to pay attention to the following:

Physical Foundation-  Our body is a structure built upon a foundation of blood, bone, and muscle.  It is important to keep our foundation as strong as possible through regular exercise and weight-bearing exercises, which strengthen bones and aid in the prevention of osteoporosis as we age.  The benefits of regular exercise are numerous and the good thing is we do not have to commit to a rigid schedule of ‘working out’ in order to experience these benefits.  Make it a habit to:

• Park in a space farthest from your destination and get some walking in that way.

• Bag your own groceries and take the longest route to carry them into the house.

• Take a walk to the library or post office instead of driving.

• Take the stairs rather than the elevator.

Doctor Visits- Regular check-ups and appropriate screenings are essential to our health.  It is important to schedule a full physical once each year.  If we are prescribed medications, we need to be sure we are taking them as directed.  Dental hygiene is often overlooked and not viewed as an integral part of our medical needs, however, plaque and gum health affects our heart functioning.  Regular cleanings and exams help to ensure oral health.  If financial constraints interfere with obtaining dental insurance (many employers do not offer it), it may be helpful to check out the EDP plan for discounted services in New York State - www.edpdentalplan.com

Diet/Eating Habits- It is important, not to mention empowering, to become educated about the food we consume.  We need to be mindful of staying hydrated throughout the day, especially if we engage in any type of physical exercise.  Mindfulness (our state of self-awareness) is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship with food. We can increase our mindfulness by considering the following:

• environment in which we consume our meals

• amount of time we allot to meals

• degree of distraction during mealtimes

Repair time- Adequate sleep gives our minds the opportunity to process the experiences of the previous day and our bodies time to repair themselves.  Many of us believe that sleep wastes precious hours that could be utilized to accomplish tasks/responsibilities, however, we are actually ‘doing’ a great deal while we are sleeping.  Click on the following link to learn more about the importance of sleep- http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/video/sleep07_matters/wm-hi.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to take care of our emotional needs.

Practicing Self-Care- Introduction

Meeting the needs of other people is a skill.  It utilizes intuition, emotional intelligence, empathy and, sometimes, creativity.  Many of us developed this ability to such a degree that we have gained success in various ‘helping professions’- teaching, nursing, counseling, etc.  Some of us may have devoted and continue to devote this skill to the needs of our families, resolving conflicts and/or stepping in when others fail to do so. The challenge for many of us is applying this skill to meet our own needs.  If we are busy taking care of everyone else, then we probably have little time left for taking care of ourselves.  We may feel emotionally drained and/or physically exhausted. 

In the next few weeks, we will explore how to practice self-care in the following three areas:

• Physical needs

• Emotional needs

• Spiritual needs        

Stephen R.Covey in his well-known book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People” identifies the practice of self-care as Habit 7- Sharpen the Saw. This habit is based on the tale of the woodcutter who struggles to saw down a tree for over five hours.  When someone comes along and mentions that he could take a few minutes to sharpen his saw which would lessen the task, the woodcutter states that he can’t because he is too busy sawing.  It is important to ‘sharpen’ our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves in order to realize our full potential.

In the next chapter, we will identify our physical needs and how to fulfill them.

Treatment for Codependency-Part 5- Effective Communication

Once we are able to identify our relationship needs and to accept them without judgment, we need to know how to fulfill them.  There are two important ‘branches’ on the tree of relationship needs. 

The first one is taking responsibility to voice our needs to others.  Very often, we expect other people to ‘know’ what we want or need without us saying anything.  In addition to this being a form of wishful thinking, it sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

When we communicate our needs, we need to remember these essential points:

Be very specific-  If we want to experience more physical affection in our relationship, for example, we can say, “ I really would like a hug right now” or “ It would make me feel better if you held my hand” rather than a general statement, like “I need you to be more affectionate”. This leaves room for interpretation, and, as we explored in a previous chapter, each individual has different needs.  Our need for affection can be very different than another person’s need.

Start sentences with ‘I’- If we want another person to complete a task, for example, we can say, “ I would appreciate you mailing these payments” or “I would feel less stressed if you were able to return these phone calls”.   This often results in a more favorable response than, “You need to mail this” or “You have to return these phone calls”, which can be perceived as demanding.

Consider the situation-  Approach the other person when the timing is right.  If he/she is already engaged in a task, wait until it is completed.  At the moment someone is about to run out the door, may not be a good time to voice our needs.

The other ‘branch’ on the tree of relationship needs is letting go of expectations and meeting our own needs when necessary.  We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. 

If another person is unable or refuses to meet our needs, then we can adopt the following approach:

Reach out-  If we are feeling lonely, disconnected, or bored and the other person has certain obligations that can’t be avoided, we can reach out to others in our social/support network.  Make plans with a friend or family member or join a group/workshop that meets each week, which we can depend upon as a source for connection.  It is important not to expect someone to be the sole provider of our emotional needs.

Be resourceful- If there is a task that the other person refuses or is unable to complete, we can create options.  Maybe we need to acquire new knowledge, learn a new skill, or test our natural abilities.  It might be necessary to pursue professional assistance or talk to someone who has more experience or knowledge on the topic.  The important thing is to avoid defeat and to take an active role in meeting a particular need.  This helps us to feel empowered and to build confidence in our abilities.

May we all honor our needs in relationships, take responsibility for fulfilling them, and face the challenges of building healthy and balanced connections with other people.

Treatment for Codependency- Part 4- Negative Self-talk

We may not always be aware of it, but our mind is constantly creating thoughts.  If we increase our awareness of these thoughts, we will notice they sound like a dialogue. This dialogue has the potential to increase feelings of self-worth, a sense of competence, and the ability to move toward our goals.  It also has the potential to increase feelings of self-doubt, a sense of incompetence, and negative predictions about the future.  This is known as negative self-talk.  In a relationship where codependency exists, we may engage in negative self-talk that interferes with the ability to fulfill our relationship needs. 

Here is what we might be telling ourselves:

•  Our needs are not as important as the needs of others.
• Voicing our needs will cause conflict and the other people will be angry with us.
• Putting our needs first means we are selfish and uncaring.

Mental health treatment can help us to become more mindful of our self-talk, examine its impact on our relationships, and challenge negativity.  

A professional guide can support our efforts to become more mindful by helping us create visual cues that remind us to stop and ‘listen’ to our thoughts.  We can write down the cue on a post-it note and place it in a specific area where we engage in everyday activities, such as brushing our teeth or washing dishes.  These are times when the mind wanders and negative self-talk occurs.  Some helpful cues, which can be found in MS Word under ‘symbols’, are the image of an ear, the profile of a human head, or the octagon of a stop sign.  One can also use a word, like ‘stop’ or ‘listen’ or just a letter like ‘M’ for mindful. For more ideas, read a copy of the book, “How to Train a Wild Elephant: and Other Adventures in Mindfulness” by Jan Chozen Bays.

It can be helpful to look at how our negative self-talk affects our relationships.  By remaining silent and pushing our needs aside in order to avoid conflict, we may build up resentment. This can interfere with our ability to feel truly connected and we end up pushing the other person away.  If we do feel the desire to put our needs out there, we may judge ourselves as being selfish.  Over time, self-criticism can lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression, which puts stress on a relationship.

A mental health professional can offer constructive feedback and help us to challenge distorted thinking that is not true about ourselves or others.  If we take the first statement listed above, “our needs are not as important as the needs of others”, we can challenge this belief in that we may FEEL this is so, but that does not make it a fact. 

Feel free to share your experiences with negative self-talk and ways that help you to challenge this by posting a comment below.

Next week, will explore ways to communicate our relationship needs effectively and appropriately.

Treatment for Codependency-Part 3- Identifying Relationship Needs

In order to develop and maintain a relationship that offers a sense of trust, connectedness, and freedom to grow, we must first identify what exactly we need in a relationship.  It is important to keep in mind that our needs exist on a continuum.  This means that we can ‘move’ from one degree to another, depending on the circumstance.  Codependent behaviors often upset the balance in a relationship and we experience extreme states, approaching our needs with an ‘all or nothing’ attitude.

We are complex beings and, as such, our needs may be complex and varied.  For the purpose of this blog, we will explore two areas in healthy relationship development:

Closeness ---------- I ---------- Separateness

This continuum is often the key to happiness in relationships where codependency exists.  It demonstrates the ability to be in a relationship with another person AND maintain a healthy sense of self outside of the relationship.  That means having one’s own friends, interests, leisure activities, and career/job path.   The most difficult challenge for individuals struggling with codependency is often the ability to allow another person to own his/her ‘problems’ or issues.  By achieving this, we can remain connected to someone, but separate ourselves from the issues that do not belong to us. This is called healthy detachment and can actually bring us closer to a person in that we are much more able to express compassion, understanding, and concern when we are not directly affected by an issue.  When we are affected, we may react out of our own anxiety, frustration, or disappointment and not the needs of the other person.

Rigidity ---------- I ---------- Flexibility

This continuum involves compromise and keeping an open mind.  It demonstrates the ability to bring our own wants and needs into a relationship AND to recognize the wants and needs of the other person. This means voicing what we want in an appropriate way without expecting the other person to give us exactly what we are requesting.  What can be challenging for those of us struggling with codependency is to accept responses/reactions that do not ‘fit’ with our expectations without feeling uncared for or rejected. It is important to remain open to options.  If someone is not able to give us exactly what we want/need, we can look at how we, ourselves, can fulfill that particular want/need.  In this way we are taking responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness. Conversely, it is important to allow another person to voice what he/she needs without pushing our own needs aside.  It can be a challenge to put our needs first and still feel emotionally secure in the relationship.

Creating balance in a relationship is like riding a playground teeter-totter, pushing upward and putting our needs ‘on top’, then letting go while the other person puts his/her needs ‘on top’.  It can take a lot of effort and coordination to balance the needs of both individuals so that they hover equally in the middle.  It is important to remind ourselves that maintaining a healthy relationship is a process- sometimes we will find a middle ground and other times we will not.  We just need to keep working at it and trust in the process.

Next week, we will explore how mental health treatment can address negative self-talk.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and reactions and to tell us how you work toward getting your needs met.

Treatment for Codependency- Part 2- Specific Goals

Working with a mental health professional is a commitment we make to ourselves.  It demonstrates the message, “ I matter as a human being and deserve fulfillment in my life.”  It is an experience that unfolds over time as a working relationship develops.  While the therapeutic relationship is building we can work on specific issues, practice new tools for coping, and acquire new knowledge. 

In addressing issues related to codependency in relationships, it is helpful to explore the following in mental health treatment:

• Relationship needs
• Negative self-talk
• Effective communication skills  

 Next week, we will identify two significant relationship needs and how they are/have been met in our life.

 

Treatment for Codependency-Part 1- What is Codependency?

The term, codependency, first appeared in the 1970's to describe those of us in relationships with people using drugs/alcohol. Mental health professionals recognized that codependent people had developed a specific way of coping which actually kept them stuck in their relationships, despite destructive thoughts/ feelings, overwhelming dissatisfaction in the relationship, and resentment toward another person. Today, the term codependency is used to describe a broader range of individuals and circumstances.

** Some signs of codependency:

• preoccupation with pleasing others
• taking on relationships with 'needy' individuals
• obsessive worry about other people
• consistent need for others' approval
• trying to control people and situations
• fear of other people's anger as well as one's own
• difficulty asserting oneself
• fear of making mistakes
• never feeling good enough

Some situations which can cause codependent behaviors:

• being a caretaker for one's siblings
• being in a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness
• being in a relationship with someone who uses drugs/alcohol
• experiencing neglect and/or abuse as a child
• witnessing neglect and/or abuse as a child

** This is a partial list and can include many other signs/symptoms. For a complete description, read the book, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

Help is out there.  We can maintain hopeful and loving relationships and begin to live a more satisfying life. 

In the next chapter, we will identify how the therapy process specifically addresses codependency.

Treatment for Codependency-Introduction

What motivates someone to address difficulties in his/her relationships by seeking professional guidance?  Reaching out to a mental health professional often creates feelings of anxiety and overwhelm, therefore, a person often needs that ‘push’ to take the first step.

Here are some specific scenarios which often ‘push’ individuals to seek professional guidance:

• We may be struggling for years in a relationship, feeling ‘stuck’ and hopeless, when the other person’s actions create a crisis situation and we come to the end of our rope.
• We may be experiencing a significant change or disruption in our life and find we are having difficulty adjusting to the new circumstance.
• Someone close to us may have given us feedback about our behavior or appearance and suggested we seek professional help.
• We may be aware of a positive change happening in someone else’s life and relationships, recognize it as something we would like for ourselves, and decide to reach out to a professional in the same way.

Many of us contemplate starting mental health treatment but something gets in the way of taking action, possibly fear, doubt, hopelessness (no one can help me), guilt,  and/or shame.  Sometimes it happens that all of the elements of our life come together and create a time of readiness for us to get unstuck.

In the next chapter, we will define the term, ‘codependency’ and identify specific signs and symptoms.

Spring Has Sprung- Positive Growth in Relationships

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” 

-- Lao Tzu (570-490 BC) Founder of Taoism

Getting unstuck in our relationships is a process that requires patience, trust, flexibility, and nurturing- not unlike nature’s process during springtime.  Spring demonstrates some valuable ideas that we may benefit from on our own journey toward growth.  We just need to take a few moments and consider the world around us.

Patience- It can be a challenge waiting for the colors of spring to appear, particularly after a harsh winter. We may visit the local nursery too soon, expecting summer flowers to be on display and feel frustrated having to put our gardening/landscaping plans on hold.  It can be a humbling experience to accept nature on its own terms and according to its own schedule. Practicing patience in our relationships can be challenging as well.  We may have struggled for months or years in relationships that triggered feelings of fear, despair, and/or frustration before we became ready for change. It is helpful not to force change to occur, but to remain relaxed and open to opportunities that do come our way.

Trust- It can be an amazing experience to watch fragile flower bulbs discover life after enduring the long winter months.  There is much that happens beneath the surface of the soil.  Even though we cannot see the process, we can trust that at the start of every spring, the bulbs will eventually sprout, push upward, and show themselves.  This can be true of our own growth in relationships.  We may not be able to see how exactly we are changing and moving toward healthier relationship behaviors, however, that does not mean change is not happening. We can trust in ourselves and our ability to truly know deep down beneath the surface what is right for us.

Flexibility- Plants, trees, and flowers adapt well, which enables them to survive.  Just as leaves bend and reach toward the sun’s rays, we often need to bend and reach toward a new perspective in our relationships.  New relationship behaviors require some adjustment and we may feel uncomfortable at first, but once achieved, we will flourish and feel re-energized.

Nurturing-  Just as the removal of weeds allows growth-inspiring nutrients to reach plants and flowers, letting go of relationships that keep us stuck, nurtures our strength and ability to create positive change.  It is important to remind ourselves that people enter our lives for various reasons- some for short periods of time, some for years.  Sometimes, we find that we no longer connect with another person because we have made significant internal changes and no longer function in a way that supports the relationship.  We do not have to judge this as good/bad but part of the process of getting unstuck in our relationships.

May the spirit of springtime inspire us to embrace opportunities for positive change.

Emotional Abandonment-Part 4- Healthy Options

When we experience feelings of anxiety related to being emotionally abandoned, it can be difficult to think of options.   Anxiety often interferes with the ability to reason things out and we may end up making quick decisions, especially for those of us who fall into the category of ‘people pleasers’.  When someone approaches us with a request, we may instantly reply ‘yes’, however, there may be other responses that consider each person’s needs. 

Here are some ways to create options for ourselves:

Recognize and let go of feelings of urgency.  Most often, we do not need to respond or to make decisions immediately.  We can give ourselves the benefit of time.  It can be helpful to say to someone, “Can I get back to you?”  or “I need to get back to you on that”.  This gives us the opportunity to THINK rather than be influenced solely by our emotions and the fear that we will be rejected.  It also gives us a chance to talk things through with someone else who can provide more objective feedback.

Think ‘yes, but…..’  We can agree to another’s request and still meet our own needs.  When we get back to the person about our ability to agree, we can fulfill the other person’s need on our time.  It does not have to disrupt our schedule or interfere with other obligations.   It is important to remind ourselves that once we make an offer, it is the other person’s responsibility to accept or not.  If the offer still does not meet another’s needs, we are not obligated to continue negotiating with him/her, unless we choose to do so.

Here is a final thought on helping to meet someone else’s needs:

Don’t expect reciprocity.  When we make an offer to someone, it is helpful to do so without expectations.  If our actions are true to our intention of helping someone else, we can let go of the idea that the other person ‘owes’ us.  Sometimes, we may feel we owe others when we accept their help, however, other people do not necessarily feel that way.  That is our 'stuff' and it is important to own it. If we are truly uncomfortable with another’s request, it is our personal right to say 'no'.  This demonstrates respect for others as well as ourselves.

It is my hope that this blog inspires positive change in our relationships.  May we all strive to create open and loving relationships with others.

Emotional Abandonment- Part 3- Self-Criticism

We may be striving for perfection in ourselves in order to avoid upsetting other people.  In addition, when someone we care about expresses disapproval or disappointment in our actions, we may feel so anxious about being emotionally abandoned that we channel the feeling into self-criticism.  It is as if we are agreeing with the person who ‘abandoned’ us in order to stay connected to him/her. Unfortunately, ‘beating’ ourselves up on a consistent basis interferes with our self-esteem, our sense of competence, and our ability to learn and grow from life experiences.

It is really about finding balance in relationships.  We need to acknowledge and reinforce our separateness from others while also acknowledging our connectedness.  When we recognize that we can be in a relationship and still maintain our sense of self, we can then tolerate differences between us and the other person.  If he/she sees us in a critical light, we can allow the other person to think/feel the way they do, but not take it in and/or adopt the same thoughts or feelings and, essentially, still feel good about ourselves.  When we have a firm sense of self, we are better able to utilize the other person’s input as constructive criticism without reacting and taking it too personally.  

Accepting other people’s views/opinions as constructive criticism is difficult if we are striving for perfection.  It can be freeing to acknowledge that we are all human and that our purpose here is to grow and learn from our experiences and from other people.  It is important to explore the source of the standard of perfection by which we judge ourselves.

We can ask ourselves:

• From whom is this critical message coming from?

• Does the message increase a feeling of confidence in my abilities or create doubt?

• Does the message help me to ‘bounce back’ easily from perceived mistakes?

• Can I think up a message that challenges the criticism in a logical/rational way?

Part of developing a sense of self is to learn how to honor and nurture that self, which is our  own responsibility.  Rather than focusing on feeling ‘abandoned’ by another person, we can ask ourselves, ‘Am I abandoning my own self?’  When we are overly critical of ourselves, we are actually abandoning that self which makes up our core being- the source for feeling centered and at peace.

Next week, we will explore healthy options for meeting our needs in relationships.

Emotional Abandonment-Part 2- Unhealthy Responses to Conflict

When disagreements arise our anxiety about being emotionally abandoned is often triggered.  It is important to consider the way in which we react to the conflict, which can help us to resolve the current issue or expand the problem, resulting in a full-blown relationship crisis.

HERE ARE SOME UNHEALTHY RESPONSES TO CONFLICT:

Engaging in a verbal tennis match- This back/forth dialogue is often made up of accusations, counterattacks, defensive statements, and, even name-calling.  Even though the other person is ready and willing to engage in a ‘match’, we do not have to participate.  We have a choice.  Anxiety often overwhelms our ability to think rationally and it is difficult to even recognize that we have a choice.  We need to practice, practice, practice.  We can begin by increasing our awareness.  

Once we can identify that a ‘match’ is taking place or is about to, we can try the following tactics:

·         Close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and acknowledge any feelings of anxiety while in the situation.  Take an inventory of your body, focusing on those areas most likely to hold stress like the neck/shoulders, lower back and buttocks.

·         Literally, sit back or step back, and refrain from saying anything in response to the other person.

·         When there is a pause from the other person, state in a calm (you can fake it) and low tone of voice, “I would like to discuss this in a calm and helpful way.  Do you feel this is possible right now?” If there is no pause from the other person, inform him/her that you will discuss this at another time and walk away, hang the phone up, remove yourself from the situation.

Giving in to Compulsive Behaviors- When someone is unhappy with us, we may experience a feeling of urgency that drives us to do something to ‘fix’ the conflict. We may make repeated attempts to contact that person through phone calls, text messages, or emails and continue to do so, even though he/she is not responding.  We may contact other people to discuss the conflict and go over the situation multiple times with multiple listeners.  These behaviors not only drain us and leave us feeling helpless, but often interfere with our responsibilities at home, work, and school.  Even though we may feel driven to make things better, we do have a choice. 

Once we can identify these repetitive behaviors, we can try the following approach:

·         Create a ‘stop sign’ and post this in areas you frequently occupy.

·         The stop sign is your cue to refrain from taking any action and engage in a time-out.

·         While in time-out,  refocus the thoughts that compel you to repeat a behavior.  Do this by closing your eyes and repeating an affirmation out loud or in your mind. 

** Here are some affirmations that might help:

Think.

Don’t just do something, sit there.

Things that are important are rarely urgent and things that are urgent are rarely important.
**Adapted from the Al-Anon Family Groups literature