Treatment for Codependency-Part 5- Effective Communication

Once we are able to identify our relationship needs and to accept them without judgment, we need to know how to fulfill them.  There are two important ‘branches’ on the tree of relationship needs. 

The first one is taking responsibility to voice our needs to others.  Very often, we expect other people to ‘know’ what we want or need without us saying anything.  In addition to this being a form of wishful thinking, it sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

When we communicate our needs, we need to remember these essential points:

Be very specific-  If we want to experience more physical affection in our relationship, for example, we can say, “ I really would like a hug right now” or “ It would make me feel better if you held my hand” rather than a general statement, like “I need you to be more affectionate”. This leaves room for interpretation, and, as we explored in a previous chapter, each individual has different needs.  Our need for affection can be very different than another person’s need.

Start sentences with ‘I’- If we want another person to complete a task, for example, we can say, “ I would appreciate you mailing these payments” or “I would feel less stressed if you were able to return these phone calls”.   This often results in a more favorable response than, “You need to mail this” or “You have to return these phone calls”, which can be perceived as demanding.

Consider the situation-  Approach the other person when the timing is right.  If he/she is already engaged in a task, wait until it is completed.  At the moment someone is about to run out the door, may not be a good time to voice our needs.

The other ‘branch’ on the tree of relationship needs is letting go of expectations and meeting our own needs when necessary.  We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. 

If another person is unable or refuses to meet our needs, then we can adopt the following approach:

Reach out-  If we are feeling lonely, disconnected, or bored and the other person has certain obligations that can’t be avoided, we can reach out to others in our social/support network.  Make plans with a friend or family member or join a group/workshop that meets each week, which we can depend upon as a source for connection.  It is important not to expect someone to be the sole provider of our emotional needs.

Be resourceful- If there is a task that the other person refuses or is unable to complete, we can create options.  Maybe we need to acquire new knowledge, learn a new skill, or test our natural abilities.  It might be necessary to pursue professional assistance or talk to someone who has more experience or knowledge on the topic.  The important thing is to avoid defeat and to take an active role in meeting a particular need.  This helps us to feel empowered and to build confidence in our abilities.

May we all honor our needs in relationships, take responsibility for fulfilling them, and face the challenges of building healthy and balanced connections with other people.