Treatment for Codependency- Part 4- Negative Self-talk

We may not always be aware of it, but our mind is constantly creating thoughts.  If we increase our awareness of these thoughts, we will notice they sound like a dialogue. This dialogue has the potential to increase feelings of self-worth, a sense of competence, and the ability to move toward our goals.  It also has the potential to increase feelings of self-doubt, a sense of incompetence, and negative predictions about the future.  This is known as negative self-talk.  In a relationship where codependency exists, we may engage in negative self-talk that interferes with the ability to fulfill our relationship needs. 

Here is what we might be telling ourselves:

•  Our needs are not as important as the needs of others.
• Voicing our needs will cause conflict and the other people will be angry with us.
• Putting our needs first means we are selfish and uncaring.

Mental health treatment can help us to become more mindful of our self-talk, examine its impact on our relationships, and challenge negativity.  

A professional guide can support our efforts to become more mindful by helping us create visual cues that remind us to stop and ‘listen’ to our thoughts.  We can write down the cue on a post-it note and place it in a specific area where we engage in everyday activities, such as brushing our teeth or washing dishes.  These are times when the mind wanders and negative self-talk occurs.  Some helpful cues, which can be found in MS Word under ‘symbols’, are the image of an ear, the profile of a human head, or the octagon of a stop sign.  One can also use a word, like ‘stop’ or ‘listen’ or just a letter like ‘M’ for mindful. For more ideas, read a copy of the book, “How to Train a Wild Elephant: and Other Adventures in Mindfulness” by Jan Chozen Bays.

It can be helpful to look at how our negative self-talk affects our relationships.  By remaining silent and pushing our needs aside in order to avoid conflict, we may build up resentment. This can interfere with our ability to feel truly connected and we end up pushing the other person away.  If we do feel the desire to put our needs out there, we may judge ourselves as being selfish.  Over time, self-criticism can lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression, which puts stress on a relationship.

A mental health professional can offer constructive feedback and help us to challenge distorted thinking that is not true about ourselves or others.  If we take the first statement listed above, “our needs are not as important as the needs of others”, we can challenge this belief in that we may FEEL this is so, but that does not make it a fact. 

Feel free to share your experiences with negative self-talk and ways that help you to challenge this by posting a comment below.

Next week, will explore ways to communicate our relationship needs effectively and appropriately.