Treatment for Codependency-Part 3- Identifying Relationship Needs

In order to develop and maintain a relationship that offers a sense of trust, connectedness, and freedom to grow, we must first identify what exactly we need in a relationship.  It is important to keep in mind that our needs exist on a continuum.  This means that we can ‘move’ from one degree to another, depending on the circumstance.  Codependent behaviors often upset the balance in a relationship and we experience extreme states, approaching our needs with an ‘all or nothing’ attitude.

We are complex beings and, as such, our needs may be complex and varied.  For the purpose of this blog, we will explore two areas in healthy relationship development:

Closeness ---------- I ---------- Separateness

This continuum is often the key to happiness in relationships where codependency exists.  It demonstrates the ability to be in a relationship with another person AND maintain a healthy sense of self outside of the relationship.  That means having one’s own friends, interests, leisure activities, and career/job path.   The most difficult challenge for individuals struggling with codependency is often the ability to allow another person to own his/her ‘problems’ or issues.  By achieving this, we can remain connected to someone, but separate ourselves from the issues that do not belong to us. This is called healthy detachment and can actually bring us closer to a person in that we are much more able to express compassion, understanding, and concern when we are not directly affected by an issue.  When we are affected, we may react out of our own anxiety, frustration, or disappointment and not the needs of the other person.

Rigidity ---------- I ---------- Flexibility

This continuum involves compromise and keeping an open mind.  It demonstrates the ability to bring our own wants and needs into a relationship AND to recognize the wants and needs of the other person. This means voicing what we want in an appropriate way without expecting the other person to give us exactly what we are requesting.  What can be challenging for those of us struggling with codependency is to accept responses/reactions that do not ‘fit’ with our expectations without feeling uncared for or rejected. It is important to remain open to options.  If someone is not able to give us exactly what we want/need, we can look at how we, ourselves, can fulfill that particular want/need.  In this way we are taking responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness. Conversely, it is important to allow another person to voice what he/she needs without pushing our own needs aside.  It can be a challenge to put our needs first and still feel emotionally secure in the relationship.

Creating balance in a relationship is like riding a playground teeter-totter, pushing upward and putting our needs ‘on top’, then letting go while the other person puts his/her needs ‘on top’.  It can take a lot of effort and coordination to balance the needs of both individuals so that they hover equally in the middle.  It is important to remind ourselves that maintaining a healthy relationship is a process- sometimes we will find a middle ground and other times we will not.  We just need to keep working at it and trust in the process.

Next week, we will explore how mental health treatment can address negative self-talk.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and reactions and to tell us how you work toward getting your needs met.