Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 4-Asking for Help

In the last chapter, we made a conscious decision to get ‘unstuck’ and take action toward fulfilling our needs. We will most likely encounter others as we carry out our plan toward fulfillment. Some of these individuals may be capable of making positive contributions to our plan. 

Many of us resist ‘needing’ others.  In some families, it is considered a character strength to be able to accomplish things ‘on our own’.  In other families, help may have been offered, but with a price, which often made us feel resentful and less likely to accept help in the future.  Still in other families, help may have only been achieved by acting out in unhealthy ways that made it all too obvious we were in need.  Finally, some families may have been incapable of providing any assistance regardless of our specific needs.

There are effective ways to ask for help that maintain respect for ourselves and others and increase the chances of actually receiving that help.

The first step :

Identify a key person/people who can offer emotional support and/or concrete resources. This can include not only those in our immediate circle, but those who are part of a larger system; professionals, assistants , your local librarian, anyone who can play a part, however small, in your design to meet  a particular need.

The second step:

Decide on a means of communication. Think about how you express yourself best. Are you a good writer? Consider a written letter or email.  Do you feel more comfortable in a face-to-face encounter or are you better communicating over the phone? For those of us who resist asking for help, it may be necessary to take it in steps and start off with the least uncomfortable means and then work our way up to a face-to-face encounter. 

The third step:

Create a 'script' of what exactly to say when asking for help.  This can be memorized in your head, written down, or recorded.  Anything that makes the words flow without much struggle or anxiety.  It is important to clearly identify the other person’s role in your need and express what strengths you think they have that would be helpful.  Also, clearly state that if the person is not able to offer assistance, you would be open to contacting some person/organization they know of that could help. Think of this as a process- a long chain that connects you to the resources needed and each encounter/experience is simply another necessary link on that chain toward fulfilling your need.

The fourth step:

Keep a record of the steps taken and those still to be achieved in your plan.  As you move along in your plan, be flexible, as one encounter may add another ‘link’ to your chain and require additional steps.  Most importantly, make a note of the steps you have achieved and give yourself, literally, a pat on the back, recognizing at certain points, that it may have been a struggle, but that you took the step anyway. It is perfectly fine to feel uncomfortable, but do not let that prevent you from adding another link your ‘chain’.  The discomfort of avoiding the step will be much greater and longer-lasting than the discomfort of taking the action.

Keep reminding yourself of the following:

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end”.

This is a quote by Ursula LeGuin, an American writer of fantasy & science fiction who wrote over 30 books.

The next chapter will address creating a balance between our own needs and the needs of others.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs-Part3- Making a Decision to Get Unstuck

In the previous chapter, we explored the ‘signs’ that let us know when it is necessary to start working toward fulfilling our needs. This next exercise will help us to identify and eliminate any further resistance/fear related to making a change in our lives and getting ‘unstuck’.

Making our own decisions, carrying them out, and accepting the results, can be overwhelming and accompanied by fear.  A certain degree of anxiety accompanies any decision to take action, but when that anxiety causes us to create reasons to avoid taking risks, we stay stuck. We often tell ourselves that the results will be less than desired or cause unforeseen consequences.  So, why bother?

Well, the cliché is true- nothing ventured, nothing gained. By taking the risk, there is at least a chance that things may work out the way we hope. By taking no action, we guarantee that things will not work out the way we hope at all.

Once we explore the possible results of our actions, it can be easier to let go of them.  When we let go of the results, we can eliminate a huge source of avoidance. Often, it is not the decision itself that is so crucial but how we come to a decision that matters.  Many of us make decisions based on a feeling and that feeling is often fear- fear of being alone, fear of failing, fear of other people’s reactions/judgments.

One way to decrease our anxiety about taking action is to utilize some form of decision-making exercise.  A person can create a written chart and either fill it in by themselves or work on it with someone they trust to give honest feedback.

Here is what it might look like:

	Move out and get my own apartment	Continue living with my family
GAINS
LOSSES

See where there are obstacles preventing you from taking action and work through it with someone- a therapist, friend, family member. 

If this sounds uncomfortable or anxiety-producing, the next chapter may help.  It will address how to ask for help in appropriate and effective ways.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 2- The 'Signs' of Unmet Needs

Question:  How do we know if certain needs are not being met?

Many of us are able to recognize that we just aren't happy, but struggle to identify what exactly is malfunctioning in our lives.

 It can be different for every person, but here is a list of some common ‘signs’ or ‘symptoms’ that may help us to know:
1.  Physical aches/pains-  Our bodies are very effective in letting us know when something is wrong.  Be aware of recurring aches in the same part of your body.  Very often, we have ‘sore spots’ where we store stress, including feelings of resentment, guilt, and disappointment.
2.  Sleeping too much/too little-  Sleep can be the first thing that changes when something in our lives is not  working for us. We may sleep more hours than usual, but still feel tired and sluggish during the day.  We may fall asleep, but wake up periodically throughout the night- keep a notepad near your bed and jot down any thoughts or remnants of a dream that occur. Many of us experience restlessness and are unable to fall asleep, our minds filled with negative thoughts and worries (see obsessive thoughts).
3.  Obsessive Thoughts-  If we are unable to identify our needs, we may struggle with making decisions, engaging in obsessive thoughts about our choices, past decisions, and how others react to us. If we have difficulty communicating our needs, we may avoid conflict and stay silent.  This can create repeating thoughts in which we replay experiences in our head, but in the thoughts, we are actually voicing our needs and our feelings. 
4.  Lack of Goal-Setting-  How do we set goals for ourselves if we do not know what our needs are in the first place? This can cause frustration and overwhelm. In order to avoid these feelings, we fail to set goals for ourselves. When we stop creating plans for ourselves, the future can seem hopeless.

Designing a plan for fulfillment can help reduce these ‘signs’ and ‘symptoms’, allowing you to envision a more hopeful future and to take steps toward achieving it.In the next chapter, we will uncover any further resistance/fear of making a decision to get ‘unstuck’.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Part 1- Identifying Specific Needs

Last week, we started to think about defining our specific needs.

1.  We all have basic needs such as housing, food, clothing, medical/dental care- our physical needs. Are these needs being fulfilled, if not, are we able to recognize that? 

2.  The next area to explore is emotional needs.  Do we feel safe in our relationships?  Do we have a connection with another person that is honest, non-judgmental, and encouraging? If not, are we able to recognize that?

3.  The final area to explore is intellectual needs. Do we feel we are utilizing our full intellectual capacity?  Are we open to learning new ideas, taking in new information, and finding creative solutions to problems?  Do we feel connected in a relationship where our thoughts/ideas are valued? If not, are we able to recognize that?

If you are having difficulty recognizing the areas where your needs are unfulfilled, try writing a list called, ‘areas of functioning’ which can include:

• Work/School
• Activities of Self-Care (grooming, household tasks)
• Leisure Activities
• Health/Medical

Now, write a list of ‘relationships’, which can include:

• Family
• Friends
• Primary Support Group
• Marital/Romantic
• Parenting

Look to see where there is a significant lack and ask yourself if you are dissatisfied with this lack.  Now you will be able to identify specific areas where needs are unfulfilled.

This is the first step in designing your plan of fulfillment…

In a couple of weeks, we will explore the 'signs' that tell us when we have been neglecting our needs.

Designing a Plan To Fulfill My Needs- Introduction

In the next few months, this blog will be addressing NEEDS and helping you to:

o   identify your own needs

o   determine which needs are being met in your life and which are not

o   create a plan of how you can fulfill the unmet needs

o   ask for help from others in meeting your needs

o   increase your understanding of how to balance your needs with the needs of others

Depending on the type of family system you were/are a part of, how one deals with needs varies.  If there is dysfunction within the system, then needs can become difficult to identify, accept, and fulfill. 

The ‘golden rule’ for everyone within the system-

each adult person is responsible for getting their own needs met. 

This is not to say that we don’t , at times, require the help of others, however, getting that help is our responsibility.  We need to be able to ask for help in an effective and appropriate way.

Think about some of your own needs in these areas: physical, emotional, intellectual. 

 Next week, we will be exploring  these different areas in more detail.