Unhealthy Boundaries- The Barbed-Wire Fence

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”

                                             -        Maya Angelou

 When we communicate a healthy boundary we are straightforward without being insulting, belittling, or abusive in any way.  Sometimes, other people are unhappy with the boundaries we set and we allow them the right to feel that way.  We may decide it is appropriate to tweak the boundary a bit or to stay firm and detach in a healthy way from the responses/reactions.  When boundaries actually do emotional harm to others, they are like barbed-wire fences.  This type of boundary, due to the barbed-wire, is not flexible.  Once a boundary is set, it is immovable and unchangeable.

As long as we do not challenge the boundaries or share our own thoughts/feelings in relation to them, all is well.  The other person may listen to what we have to say, however, the barbed wire remains in place. If a person continues to feel threatened when we try to climb over them, he/she will lash out and cause emotional harm.  We may experience an attack on our character, hurtful name-calling, cursing/swearing, even threats.  The goal is to ensure we do not ever again attempt to challenge the boundaries. 

If, for some reason, we do not notice the barbed-wire wrapped around the top edge of the fence and actually challenge a boundary, it is important to take in and accept the fact that this person’s fear/anxiety about being vulnerable and losing control in relationships will do us harm.  We may then need to walk away and wish that person well.  If this is not possible due to the circumstances, then we  can become more conscious of maintaining emotional distance from him/her.  We do not need to convince the other person they are wrong or hurtful, retaliate, or try to get him/her to remove some of the barbed wire. 

If we are the ones who utilize this type of boundary, we may want explore our fear/anxiety in relationships with a caring, non-judgment, and informed professional.

May we all find the courage to confront our fears in relationships, take steps to create healthier boundaries, and find joy and fulfillment in our connections with others.