A New Year of Putting Love into Action

“Love is something you do:  the sacrifices you make, the giving of self…Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions.”

                       -          Stephen Covey

 

Most of us are familiar with the standard resolution list created at the beginning of each New Year.  It is primarily filled with specific ideas and tasks that we wish to accomplish in order to live happier, healthier, more productive lives.  However, what if we were to create a different list this year?  One focused on what we can accomplish in our relationships with other people?

Essentially, the question would be:  what can I do for others that will create/maintain more loving connections?

Putting love into action does not mean becoming a whole new person or ignoring our own needs/wants.  It means being more aware of what love ‘looks’ like in our daily lives and, when not present, making it visible.  

Here are some ideas to help us put love into action:

Do more and talk less- We’ve all  heard the cliché, ‘talk is cheap’ and it really is in terms of how much we give of ourselves when we use words instead of actions.  It ‘costs’ less mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical energy.  Someone who talks about taking a step to move forward- when they want to do it, how they will do it, etc. but never takes the step will most probably never see it actualized.  The same is true of someone who talks about wanting a closer, more loving, more supportive relationship, but never takes the steps to be closer, more loving, or more supportive.  He/she will likely never see it happen in real life. 

Think small-  Putting love into action is most effective when practiced on a regular basis.  It does not need to involve an expensive gift, a lavish party, or a public spectacle. Those are occasions, special moments that signify time away from the normal routine.  Our resolution is about consistent acts of kindness-  small, everyday moments that create a smile, brighten a day, or cause a pleasant surprise.  

Know your truth-  It is important to do away with our own expectations and to listen to our gut or intuition- the voice inside that says something feels right.  If we are true to ourselves, an act of love will have meaning and positive value whether or not it is accepted, acknowledged, or reciprocated by others.  William Shakespeare wrote in the 16^th century: “Above all, to thine own self be true.”  

May the new year bring us opportunities to put love into action and to build healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and reactions to creating more loving connections with other people by posting a comment below.

 

How to Utilize a Dream Box

“A goal is a dream with a deadline.”

                                                                                                -Napolean Hill

Many of us set goals. Some are short-term and others long-term.  Long-term goals can be challenging in that they require us to sustain a certain level of motivation, determination, and focus over time.  There are many variables in life that can help or hinder us as we work toward a goal. Developing the ability to set and maintain goals is currently a component of the educational system in New York State under Common Core Standards.  It is also a main contributor to success in the workplace. Life is messy and sometimes we are forced to veer off course.  This is okay as long as we return to our original path.

How do we ‘stick’ to our long-term goal?  It is necessary to practice a balance of appreciation for the process and a clear vision of the future.  We can do this by creating a Dream Box.  One does not need to have artistic talent or special knowledge to create their own Dream Box, just a definable goal and an idea of what their dream will ‘look’ like. 

1.       Start with a container.  Anything will work, but some ideas are: tissue box, shoebox, photo storage box, cigar box, plastic cd storage container.  Hint:  the plainer the box, the more potential to make it wholly specific to your dream. 

2.       Make a list.  Write down all of the elements related to your long-term goal.  Ask yourself these 6 questions- Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How? 

Who will you have contact with when you reach your goal? 

What will you be doing? What will be happening? 

When will this goal be achieved?  How old will you be?  Will it take place at a certain time of the year or season? 

Where will you be?  Consider the environment, geographic location, and actual physical space. 

Why is this goal important to you?  Why is it worth making the commitment? 

How will you look and feel? How will you  know that you have reached your final goal?

3.       Gather the elements.  Find things that can represent your  answers to the 6 questions.  They can be store-bought items, mementos, artwork, self-made items, photos, magazine clippings, written affirmations or quotes, to name a few.  There is no right or wrong way to fill your box.  As long as the item represents your final goal and has meaning for you it belongs inside.

4.       Identify.  You can give your box its identity by marking the outside (after all, this is not an ordinary box, but the designated holder of your dream). Decorate with wrapping paper, stickers, drawings, written words, ribbon, newspaper print, photographs, any material that ‘fits’ with your dream.

5.       Utilize. It is most important to utilize your dream box.  When you are struggling through a particular step toward your goal or when you have lost your vision and feel discouraged, set aside some time to go through your box.  Take out each item or element and hold it, read it aloud, really see it by observing closely.  Essentially, you want to experience all of the elements of your dream to make the goal real and alive in the present moment.  This will also help you to stay connected to a sense of hope and possibility.

It is important to view our Dream Box as an ongoing process.  We can consistently add to it, replace/remove items, and even expand to a larger box.  We need to remain active as we progress toward our goal, not just wishing we will reach it, but taking the steps to do so. 

May we all trust in the process and remain hopeful, setting goals for ourselves and working toward achieving them. 

Shedding Old Relationship Behaviors

“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit.”

-          Henry David Thoreau

Fall is a time of transition when we store away our garden treasures, welcome back the flavor of spiced pumpkin, and go apple-picking.  Just as we experience a parting in nature when leaves turn color and fall, we experience a parting of old relationship behaviors when we begin to build healthier connections with others. Changing our behavior can create feelings of anxiety, sadness, frustration, and overwhelm. 

Here are some ways to utilize Fall as an opportunity for thinking about how we manage change and transition. 

Temperature- It takes our body time to adjust to the increasingly colder temperatures.  Some people resist this, wearing flip-flops and shorts into November and refusing to dress in layers.  They often explain, “I don’t feel the cold”.  Others allow their bodies time to adjust.  They dress in layers and shed their clothing as the day progresses, then layer up as the evening chill sets in.  As they do this, they are aware or mindful of their body temperature.  This requires being present, aware of our body, and able to accept‘what is’.  We can apply this to relationships.  As we change our responses to other people and practice new ways of communicating, we benefit from being mindful of a relationship’s emotional ‘temperature’.  Are we feeling ‘cold’ and disconnected, comfortable and at an ‘even’ temperature, or ‘hot’ and overwhelmed/angry?  As we become more aware, we are then able to adjust our behavior to ‘what is’.  This may mean communicating more in order to connect, creating more ‘space’ between us and the other person in order to decrease overwhelm, or letting go and allowing things to unfold in order to decrease frustration.

Shedding- As the transition into Fall progresses, trees shed their colored leaves.  It is a gradual process that takes time.  Natural disasters aside, we do not wake up one morning to discover every tree leaf-less.  This is true of our old relationship behaviors.  We are engaging in a process when we begin to take on new ideas and new ways of being in relationships.  In a sense, we are shedding what is no longer necessary to our growth.  This can be accompanied by feelings of discomfort.  It is important to allow these feelings to surface and to work through them.  It can be hard work raking and gathering our fallen leaves just as it is hard work letting go of unhealthy relationship habits.  It requires us to be present and mindful of the work we are doing and to trust that the buds of our new relationship behaviors will bloom in the near future. 

Just as each season is an opportunity for change and a promise for future growth, each relationship is an opportunity.  May we discover meaning and beauty in each relationship and each season.

Feel free to share your thoughts and reactions by posting a comment below.

Utilizing An Emotional Diet- Part 4- Release Time

As mentioned in the last chapter, increasing our self-awareness by ‘checking in’ with ourselves is essential to an emotional diet.  Once we are more self-aware we are better able to identify feelings and then engage in activities that allow us to release them in a healthy way.  It can be a challenge to carve out time in our busy schedule to do this, however, ‘release time’ is a necessary part of our emotional diet. 

Here are some activities that can help us to release feelings:

Professional Counseling-  Time spent weekly or bi-weekly with a mental health professional offers a private, supportive, and structured environment in which to not only verbalize what we are feeling, but to express it.  This may involve crying or yelling out our frustrations, essentially, allowing our body to do whatever it needs to do without censorship.  It can be therapeutic when we allow ourselves just ‘to be’ while in the presence of a non-judgmental witness to our pain.

Mutual Support Group-  We can gain ‘experience, strength, and hope’ from sharing with others who are struggling.  This is the foundation of 12-step groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous and the many other ‘anonymous’ groups in the community.  Be aware that support groups today vary in purpose, age, gender, and topic.  They may be described as meetings, workshops, clubs, or committees, however, to be effective as a support group, they should share the same foundation- use of members’ personal experiences to create a sense of purpose and bonding without the presence of a professional to structure and mediate discussions and/or activities.  They are, essentially, run by and for the members.

Physical Exercise-  Our emotions are basically energy churning within us and our bodies let us know when feelings are triggered.  When we are boiling with anger, our blood pressure, respiration, and pulse increase.  When we are filled with fear, blood circulation to our extremities decreases, muscles tense, and our pulse increases.  To release anger or frustration, we can try punching a punching bag or pillow, doing sit-ups, jumping rope, or engaging in a routine activity until we feel physically drained, not just slightly sweaty or tired.  To release nervous energy or anxiety, we can try power-walking, climbing stairs, or progressive muscle relaxation, which involves tensing and relaxing each muscle in a very focused, structured way.   For guidance in this technique, listen to the CD “Letting Go of Stress” by Emmett Miller, MD, available on www.amazon.com.  

When attempting to incorporate ‘release time’ into our emotional diet it is helpful to keep an open mind.  We can’t be certain what type of physical activity will help us until we try it. It is important to focus on the process of learning what works best for us without judging our efforts.  Sometimes, it takes a few tries before we know if something is helpful.

This blog may inspire some of us to begin creating a healthy emotional diet for ourselves. It may have helped others to recognize that they are already utilizing an emotional diet, but would benefit from adding some of the ideas expressed in each chapter.

Utilizing an Emotional Diet- Part 3- Learning Time

According to Wikipedia, our bodies are made up of approximately 642 muscles.  In order to build our muscle we need to challenge it on a consistent basis by engaging in a workout, sometimes pushing our bodies past our expected limit.  It is also necessary to push ourselves in other ways.  What enables us to ‘bounce back’ from life struggles, to problem-solve, and, essentially, to grow as a person, is our emotional resiliency.  Resiliency increases as we encounter new experiences, face the challenges they offer, and allow for some emotional discomfort.

The following ideas can help us to incorporate new experiences into our emotional diet:

Read-  The possibilities are endless when we pick up a book or magazine or explore a blog or article on the internet.  We can discover new information and expand our understanding of the world around us as well as our own views and biases on so many topics. 

Get Active- Take a class or workshop that provides hands-on experience in learning a new skill or expanding on an existing one.  Most community colleges offer continuing education/personal development courses which are time-limited and relatively inexpensive.  We can also support our local community by signing up for an adult education course at our local high school or library.  These courses are generally offered by local residents who possess a particular talent or knowledge and can provide an opportunity to connect with others in our neighborhood.

Explore -  We do not need to take a cruise around the world or visit an exotic location, although these are ways to step outside our comfort zone. Most of us tend to follow the same route to places we visit on a regular basis.  Try taking a different street, exit, or highway to get to the same place.  Explore your own neighborhood by walking or driving down each consecutive block and finding out where it leads to.  Rather than relying on technology, try to utilize a printed map and explore the next town over to where you work or live.

Increasing our resiliency through learning requires stepping out of our comfort zone and, most likely,  making mistakes and learning from them.   We may experience anxiety, however, it is important to remind ourselves that this feeling is appropriate, only temporary, and does not have to stop us from taking a step.  In the words of actor John Wayne, famous for his role as an American cowboy-  “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

May this blog inspire us to ‘saddle up’ and keep moving forward on our journey.

In the next chapter, we will explore opportunities for emotional release.

 

 

 

Utilizing an Emotional Diet- Pt 2- 'Me' Time

Just as it is important to connect with others, it is necessary to connect with our inner selves and to ‘check in’ as often as possible with our body and our mind to know if we are practicing sufficient self-care.  When we take care of our own needs we are better able to be there for others and to maintain peace and fulfillment in relationships. 

Here are some ways to incorporate ‘me' time into an emotional diet:

Journaling-  There is no one way to journal as long as we are able to transfer our thoughts and feelings into the outer world.  This can be done on paper or a computer.  It is important to focus on the process and not the end product.  Our written expression does not have to be grammatically correct, make perfect sense, or even contain complete sentences.  It is not necessary to share what we have written with anyone. We can tear it up, throw it out, or delete it from our computer when we are finished.  We will know we have achieved our goal when we feel less burdened, stressed, and our minds are clearer.

Meditation/Mindfulness-  It is essential to set aside time that belongs solely to us- time that is quiet, private, and free of distractions.  The more often we are able to do this throughout the week, the more beneficial it will be.   We can close our eyes and sit with our feet flat on the ground and our back straight or lay down on a comfortable surface.  By placing both palms over our diaphragm, we can be mindful of the inhalation and exhalation of breath.  We can then repeat an affirmation to ourselves.  An affirmation can be one sentence or one or two words that help us to let go of worry, be in the present moment, and relax our body.  We need to repeat it to ourselves the same way each time.  It should be positive and in the affirmative.  Example- I WILL let go of negativity rather than, I WILL NOT worry. 

Leisure Activities-  It is helpful to incorporate activities which utilize our strengths, skills, and natural talents into our emotional diet.  These activities help to feed the soul.  If we are unsure what activity to try it may help to think back to childhood and the things that kept us busy and interested- creating with play-doh, crayons, or paint, building model airplanes or cars, constructing with legos, or doing jigsaw puzzles.  When we are nurturing our inner selves there are no age limits.  Maybe we are already engaging in fulfilling activities, but lack clear intent or awareness as to how these activities impact us in a positive way.  It is important to be aware of and then let go of feelings of guilt about ‘wasting’ time while at leisure. The important thing is to be able to focus on the present moment, rev up brain functioning, and have fun. Todd Kashdan, psychologist and contributing author for Psychology Today magazine says that “…playfulness is a fundamental part of a life well-lived.”

In the next chapter, we will explore the importance of stepping out of our comfort zone and learning something new.

Utilizing An Emotional Diet- Part 1- Social Time

An essential part of our emotional diet involves the ways in which we connect to other people.  We are all social beings to some degree so that the ‘right’ amount of time spent socializing varies depending upon each individual person.  It is important, however, for all of us to include some amount of social time from week to week. 

How Do We Connect?

Many of us utilize social media such as Facebook and email to connect with others.  This can help us to remain up- to- date on what is happening in other people’s lives and to offer current information about our own happenings, however, we need to be careful not to replace face-to face encounters with technology.  As human beings, we are comprised of energy.  When we connect with someone while in that person’s presence, we are exchanging energy.  Sometimes, the connection is emotionally draining and we give out more energy than we receive.  Other times, a wonderful flow of energy occurs between people.  As energy is exchanged, we might feel ‘energized’ and inspired by the connection rather than depleted.  It is important to seek out and maintain these types of connections on a regular basis.

What Kinds of Connections?

Relationships can serve various purposes within our neighborhood, at work, or at school, however, we need to ensure that at least one of our connections centers on emotions.   As part of our emotional diet,  sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings with another person on a regular basis is essential. This person can function as a witness to our emotional struggles, help us to ‘contain’ overwhelming feelings, share similar struggles, and offer an alternative perspective on a troubling circumstance. When we are able to verbalize our feelings to another person, we often feel less confused and more in control of our inner world.  We are then less likely to act out in impulsive and unhealthy ways which enable us to avoid or distract ourselves from our true emotions.

The key to any diet, including an emotional one, is habit. 

When we incorporate healthy elements into our routine we will receive long- lasting benefits and be better prepared for the ups and downs that accompany us on life’s journey.

In the next chapter, we will explore the importance of ‘me’ time in our emotional diet.

Utilizing an Emotional Diet- Introduction

Many of us pay careful attention to our nutritional diet.  We cut portions, eat low-fat snacks, and try to squeeze in a salad here and there.   We are particular about the way our clothes fit, what the scale registers, and the ratio of fat to muscle tone.  Unfortunately, when it comes to our emotional health, many of us fail to expend the same amount of care.  Emotional health like our physical health requires conscious thought and effort in order for us to achieve our personal goals and to bring the best parts of ourselves into existence.  In the next few weeks we will work on creating and utilizing an emotional diet. 

 

Here are the essential elements:

• Social time

• Me time

• Learning Time

• Release Time

In the first chapter, we will look at the importance of social time in our emotional diet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to De-Stress with a Sensory 'Workout'

 

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally”.                                                                
                                                                                                                     -Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

Many of us are amazing planners.  We take a specific situation or issue, twist it, turn it, and flip it upside down until we end up with dozens of possible outcomes.  These ‘what if’ scenarios can help us to feel more in control of our world, however, when we get in the habit of OVER-thinking we may feel as though our thoughts are controlling us.   We often end up utilizing a great deal of mental energy and  feeling emotionally drained.  

Being mindful of our five senses -  sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch- can help us to reenergize, be in the present moment, and maintain clarity in our lives.  It keeps us ‘grounded’ within our bodies rather than lost and ‘floating’ in a sea of thoughts.  Thoughts are not tangible.  They exist within the complex space of our mind.  Our five senses keep us connected to what is happening in the real world at the present moment. This is called mindfulness.

HERE ARE SOME SENSORY 'WORKOUTS':

Gardening-   The ideal approach is to be outside where you can interact with the natural earth, however, if this is not possible, you can utilize pots/containers or just visit a local park or preserve.  A limited sensory experience is still better than none.  Be mindful of what you see such as the colors of the blooms, the myriad shades of green in the grass, shrubs, trees, and weeds, the color of the sky, and the way natural light interacts with the world around you, creating shadows and reflections.  Be mindful of what you smell such as the dampness of the soil, and sweetness of flowers.  Be mindful of what you hear such as the birds, insects, a breeze, your tools against the soil as you break up the earth, and branches scratching against one another.  Be mindful of what you can touch such as grass brushing against your feet or ankles, the smoothness of rocks and stones, the warmth of the sun and softness of the wind.

Sport or physical activity- It is most beneficial to choose a specific activity to focus on.  The type of environment will impact the quality of sensory stimulation.  For example, exercising indoors offers a different sensory experience than being at a park or a beach.  If the activity requires use of equipment, be mindful of the sound it makes such as a ball hitting a racket , the ground,  or your footwear.  Notice the sound of your breathing as your heart rate quickens.  Be mindful of what you see such as the goal or basket and the colors around you.  Be mindful of what you smell such as the natural odor of your sweat, and that of the environment.  Be mindful of what you taste as you rehydrate.  Notice the coolness of the beverage on your tongue and the back of your throat.

Cooking- It is most helpful to use natural fruits and vegetables and a wide variety of ingredients which offer a more stimulating sensory experience.  Limit the amount of extraneous stimuli so that you are most able to focus on the task at hand. Be mindful of what you see such as the colors, shapes, size/amount of the ingredients as well as the tools and containers used.  Be mindful of what you smell by selecting each item and taking in their scents individually as well as noticing the delicious smell of the final dish.  Be mindful of what you hear as you work such as the knife on the cutting board, the sizzle of oil, a spoon hitting against a bowl.  Be mindful of what you can touch such as the textures of the ingredients, the feel of the utensils, and the heat from the stove.  Also be aware of your body’s movements.  They may be repetitive, which can have a calming effect.  Be open to tasting each ingredient as you work. You can even extend your sensory experience and be mindful of your senses while you are eating your prepared dish.

Increasing mindfulness is a process that takes time and practice.  It is like building a muscle in the body.  We may struggle at first and need to work slowly, increasing our sensory ‘workout’ a little at a time.  If we stick with it, our mindfulness will deepen and our thoughts will intrude less and less.  It is important not to judge our efforts.  If our mind wanders, we can gently bring our focus back to the five senses and allow the experience to unfold as it will.

Relationships and the Nature of Nurturing

A healthy relationship is one that demonstrates the ability to change and grow.  We can look at it as a living organism that will not continue to function effectively without nurturing.  The positive effects of nurturing are directly related to the amount of effort we are willing to expend.  It is not enough for us to  feel a relationship is important.  We must act on our desire to achieve mutual fulfillment in our connections with others.

An activity that enables us to demonstrate nurturing is to grow a plant from seed.   It is not so important what kind of seed we choose from simple grass seed to a particular flower or herb.  The main thing is to commit to the task and to be present, mentally as well as physically.  

The steps necessary for growing a plant can be applied to the practice of nurturing our relationships. 

Gather tools/resources-  What do we need  to have in place in order to begin nurturing?  Just as we gather our packet of seeds, potting soil, supply of water, and pot/container, we need to gather our resources. Outer resources can include a session with a professional counselor, a more informal meeting with a close friend or mentor,  or a book, article, or internet blog on healthy relationship-building.  We can access our inner resources through specific activities that help us to be in tune with our inner selves such as, a meditation or self-relaxation practice, journal writing, or an artistic/creative project. What is essential is that we are able to nurtureourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves, we are better able to help others feel good about themselves. 

Seek the best light-  Positive thoughts directly influence how we feel about things.  Just as we need to place our seed container in a spot that offers the best sunlight, we need to see our relationship in the best light.  We can focus on the strengths of the other person and remind ourselves of what truly connects us to him/her.  This also applies to the relationship itself.  We might write down or just spend some time remembering those moments when the relationship felt most balanced and most fulfilling. Just as our little seeds will direct their energy toward warmth and light in order to grow, we must direct our will toward what is positive about each other in order for our relationship to grow toward its full potential.

Check in- It is helpful to remain mindful of the relationship.  If our intention is to help our seeds flourish, we must not leave their container on the windowsill, walk away, and ignore it.  Relationships require consistent care and attention.  It is important to check in with the other person and to actively listen to what his/her needs consistent of.  We then need to share our own needs and some of the ‘light’ that we experience through our connection to this person using either words or actions.

It is important to embrace the beauty of the process in our relationships and to view them as opportunities rather than final destinations. May this blog inspire us to plant the seeds of a new relationship or nurture the seeds of an existing one.

HAPPY SPRING!

 

 

The Keystones of a Healthy Relationship

When we are beginning a relationship, re-defining an established one, or expanding our support network, it is helpful to identify our non-negotiables.  These are relationship elements that we are not willing to do without or compromise on. They are like keystones. When we look at ancient Greek architecture we see beautiful stone archways that are still standing today.  They were engineered using a system in which a larger keystone was wedged into the center of the smaller stones to create thrust. The pressure of each stone against the other created a sort of ‘glue’ that made the arch strong and kept it from falling apart.   While relationships vary, there are specific elements- big, solid keystones- which keep our relationships strong and intact over time.

HERE ARE EXAMPLES OF NON-NEGOTIABLES:

Say what you mean, mean what you say- This relationship element is essential to the development of trust.  When we trust another we feel emotionally secure.  We challenge trust in us when we yes when we mean no and vice versa.  When someone accepts a specific response from us, we cause confusion when our attitude and behavior reflect the opposite. It is then difficult for others to trust our words. 

Acknowledge what is positive - We can ask ourselves, ‘Does this person make me feel good about who I am as a unique and separate human being?  A long-lasting relationship is one that enables us to actualize our skills, knowledge, and natural abilities in order to continue growing emotionally.  We challenge this growth in another person when we fail to recognize and encourage his/her strengths. This keeps the person ‘stuck’ emotionally and the relationship suffers.

Put love into action- In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, Stephen Covey discusses the definition of the word ‘love’ as a verb, not a noun.  Love is expressed by what we do for others, the sacrifices we are willing to make.  This relationship element becomes challenged when we stop paying attention to the little things that matter so much.  We do not have to throw someone an extravagant party, buy an expensive gift, or plan an extensive vacation to a faraway destination.  When small, everyday acts of kindness become a consistent part of our interactions, we let others know that they are important to us.  Here are some ideas:

• Mail or email a ‘thinking of you’ card or give someone a ‘just checking in’ call.

• Make a thank you more than just words and send a card, special email, or make a specific phone call to express it.

• Share what you have in your life.   Lend a book, magazine, DVD, or article of clothing someone admires.

• Have a special object that symbolizes the care and concern that is shared in the relationship and trade it back/forth whenever one of you needs it most and is facing a difficult challenge.

The dynamic or energy that is generated as these relationship elements- keystones- are exchanged between us is the ‘glue’ that enables our relationships to endure over time.

May we all work toward identifying and honoring our non-negotiables as we build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.