Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part3 -Using the Tools

Now that we are able to recognize our own need/desire to make someone else different than who they are, we need to accept that what we are doing in order to change the other person is not working.  There is a another approach. When we stop reacting and stop taking on someone else’s ‘stuff’, the other person is then able to focus on their own actions/thoughts/feelings without being distracted by our demands and expectations.  The result is that both parties become better able to keep the focus on themselves and positive change is more likely to occur. This is healthy detachment.

The following tools can help us to practice healthy detachment:

Set and maintain boundaries- It is important not to engage in ‘verbal tennis’ with another person.  There is nothing to be gained by throwing accusations back/forth or constantly defending ourselves.  We can tell the other person that we are not comfortable discussing the matter and need to either, move on to another topic or take a break and speak at a later time.  We need to be clear and direct.  Sometimes, words are not effective.  We may then need to take action and end the conversation by walking away or putting the phone down.

Give information only-  It can be helpful to express what we think/feel with the intention of giving another person information about us, not to influence his/her thoughts, opinion, perspective, etc.  Say something once and then let it go.  We are less likely to feel frustrated and resentful if our goal is to simply put the information out there and not expect the other person to ‘get it’ or accept it.  If the person does not get it’, there will probably be another opportunity in the future to express it at a time when he/she is more ready to hear it.

Respect the journey-  Each person has their own path toward peaceful and healthy living.  We cannot speed up, slow down, or stop someone else’s journey.  Wherever someone is situated on their journey is where he/she is supposed to be.  We have our own path. Sometimes, part of our journey is to become better at practicing healthy detachment in our relationships.  By doing so, we may come to feel a sense of gratitude for the relationship as we embrace the challenge and begin to gain control over our own lives.

May we strive to embrace opportunities to practice healthy detachment in our relationships and, by doing so, bring peace and fulfillment to ourselves and others.

Feel free to share your own opportunities to practice healthy detachment in relationships by posting a comment below.

                                                                                 

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 2- When We Don't Detach

For many of us, feeling responsible for other people can be overwhelming. We may become consumed by the responsibility and neglect our own needs and wants.  True concern for someone else can intensify to such a degree that it ends up draining our energy and creating feelings of resentment. This keeps us connected to the person in a negative way.  Healthy detachment allows us to remain supportive without taking on responsibility for another person’s feelings and actions. 

When we don’t practice healthy detachment, we may experience the following:

Angry outbursts- When the person we care about does not accept our advice or repeats dysfunctional behaviors in relationships, we may experience such a high level of frustration that we eventually ‘blow up’ at the other person, make derogatory comments, yell, accuse, or, even, threaten.  The message is- you are acting in a way that I dislike so much it is making me lose control of myself. 

Silent treatment-  We may experience anxiety or some form of discomfort when angry feelings are triggered.  In response, we may keep quiet in a relationship in order to avoid saying or doing something in anger.  Keeping quiet  can also be a way to ‘punish’ the other person. The message is – if you don’t behave the way I want you to, I will abandon you. When we practice the silent treatment we are making ourselves emotionally unavailable and the other person may eventually stop communicating altogether. Without communication, it is likely nothing will change in our relationship.

Repetitive dialogue- There is a very helpful saying in the Al-Anon Family Groups- say something once, you are offering information. Say something more than once, you are trying to control. We may repeat the same suggestions or verbalize how the person makes us feel over and over, hoping that it will somehow get into his/her brain and make them be the way we want them to be. However, repetition can have the opposite effect when our voices become ‘noise’ and the other person eventually stops hearing what we are actually saying. 

This can post can help us to think about how we may be preventing positive change from happening.  Feel free to share your thoughts and reactions by posting a comment below.

The next chapter will offer tools to help us practice healthy detachment.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Part 1-The Nature of Healthy Detachment

For most of us, when we hear the word ‘detach’, we think of behavior that is cold, uncaring, and selfish.  However, when practiced in a healthy way, detachment can demonstrate compassion, genuine concern, and respect for another person.  It is the art of allowing people to be who they are, not who we want them to be.  

Here are ways in which we demonstrate healthy detachment:

• When we let go of our expectations of others and do not try to make them fulfill our own wants/needs, we are practicing healthy detachment.   
• When we are able to remain in a place of joy or satisfaction while being in the presence of someone who is in a negative place, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we refrain from offering advice and ways to ‘fix’ things, but truly listen to someone else, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we allow someone to make his/her own decision and follow through with it, even though we believe it will not have a beneficial outcome, we are practicing healthy detachment.
• When we appropriately set a boundary with someone by refusing to engage him/her in an argument, we are practicing healthy detachment.

One of the most important aspects of healthy detachment is the ability to remain open to possibility in our lives- embracing the joy to be found in relationships and the courage within ourselves to grow as individuals, even though someone we care about is struggling.

The next chapter will look at how our lives are impacted when we are unable to detach.

Practicing Healthy Detachment in Relationships- Introduction

There comes a point in time when we need to recognize that every one of us has ‘baggage’, problems, ‘stuff’, however you wish to say it.  Our goal in life is not to embark on a search for people who lack these things, but to engage in a journey that helps us to embrace opportunities in which we can practice healthy detachment in relationships- allowing others to own their ‘stuff’ and to maintain a clear focus on working through our own struggles.  When each of us practices healthy detachment, relationships become more clearly defined, purposeful, fulfilling, and balanced.

I
N THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, THIS BLOG WILL EXPLORE:

·         The nature of healthy detachment

·         What happens when we do not detach

·         Tools to help us practice healthy detachment

Next week, we will begin to explore the nature of healthy detachment and how that can bring  peace into our lives.