Treatment for Codependency-Part 5- Effective Communication

Once we are able to identify our relationship needs and to accept them without judgment, we need to know how to fulfill them.  There are two important ‘branches’ on the tree of relationship needs. 

The first one is taking responsibility to voice our needs to others.  Very often, we expect other people to ‘know’ what we want or need without us saying anything.  In addition to this being a form of wishful thinking, it sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

When we communicate our needs, we need to remember these essential points:

Be very specific-  If we want to experience more physical affection in our relationship, for example, we can say, “ I really would like a hug right now” or “ It would make me feel better if you held my hand” rather than a general statement, like “I need you to be more affectionate”. This leaves room for interpretation, and, as we explored in a previous chapter, each individual has different needs.  Our need for affection can be very different than another person’s need.

Start sentences with ‘I’- If we want another person to complete a task, for example, we can say, “ I would appreciate you mailing these payments” or “I would feel less stressed if you were able to return these phone calls”.   This often results in a more favorable response than, “You need to mail this” or “You have to return these phone calls”, which can be perceived as demanding.

Consider the situation-  Approach the other person when the timing is right.  If he/she is already engaged in a task, wait until it is completed.  At the moment someone is about to run out the door, may not be a good time to voice our needs.

The other ‘branch’ on the tree of relationship needs is letting go of expectations and meeting our own needs when necessary.  We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. 

If another person is unable or refuses to meet our needs, then we can adopt the following approach:

Reach out-  If we are feeling lonely, disconnected, or bored and the other person has certain obligations that can’t be avoided, we can reach out to others in our social/support network.  Make plans with a friend or family member or join a group/workshop that meets each week, which we can depend upon as a source for connection.  It is important not to expect someone to be the sole provider of our emotional needs.

Be resourceful- If there is a task that the other person refuses or is unable to complete, we can create options.  Maybe we need to acquire new knowledge, learn a new skill, or test our natural abilities.  It might be necessary to pursue professional assistance or talk to someone who has more experience or knowledge on the topic.  The important thing is to avoid defeat and to take an active role in meeting a particular need.  This helps us to feel empowered and to build confidence in our abilities.

May we all honor our needs in relationships, take responsibility for fulfilling them, and face the challenges of building healthy and balanced connections with other people.

Treatment for Codependency- Part 4- Negative Self-talk

We may not always be aware of it, but our mind is constantly creating thoughts.  If we increase our awareness of these thoughts, we will notice they sound like a dialogue. This dialogue has the potential to increase feelings of self-worth, a sense of competence, and the ability to move toward our goals.  It also has the potential to increase feelings of self-doubt, a sense of incompetence, and negative predictions about the future.  This is known as negative self-talk.  In a relationship where codependency exists, we may engage in negative self-talk that interferes with the ability to fulfill our relationship needs. 

Here is what we might be telling ourselves:

•  Our needs are not as important as the needs of others.
• Voicing our needs will cause conflict and the other people will be angry with us.
• Putting our needs first means we are selfish and uncaring.

Mental health treatment can help us to become more mindful of our self-talk, examine its impact on our relationships, and challenge negativity.  

A professional guide can support our efforts to become more mindful by helping us create visual cues that remind us to stop and ‘listen’ to our thoughts.  We can write down the cue on a post-it note and place it in a specific area where we engage in everyday activities, such as brushing our teeth or washing dishes.  These are times when the mind wanders and negative self-talk occurs.  Some helpful cues, which can be found in MS Word under ‘symbols’, are the image of an ear, the profile of a human head, or the octagon of a stop sign.  One can also use a word, like ‘stop’ or ‘listen’ or just a letter like ‘M’ for mindful. For more ideas, read a copy of the book, “How to Train a Wild Elephant: and Other Adventures in Mindfulness” by Jan Chozen Bays.

It can be helpful to look at how our negative self-talk affects our relationships.  By remaining silent and pushing our needs aside in order to avoid conflict, we may build up resentment. This can interfere with our ability to feel truly connected and we end up pushing the other person away.  If we do feel the desire to put our needs out there, we may judge ourselves as being selfish.  Over time, self-criticism can lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression, which puts stress on a relationship.

A mental health professional can offer constructive feedback and help us to challenge distorted thinking that is not true about ourselves or others.  If we take the first statement listed above, “our needs are not as important as the needs of others”, we can challenge this belief in that we may FEEL this is so, but that does not make it a fact. 

Feel free to share your experiences with negative self-talk and ways that help you to challenge this by posting a comment below.

Next week, will explore ways to communicate our relationship needs effectively and appropriately.

Treatment for Codependency-Part 3- Identifying Relationship Needs

In order to develop and maintain a relationship that offers a sense of trust, connectedness, and freedom to grow, we must first identify what exactly we need in a relationship.  It is important to keep in mind that our needs exist on a continuum.  This means that we can ‘move’ from one degree to another, depending on the circumstance.  Codependent behaviors often upset the balance in a relationship and we experience extreme states, approaching our needs with an ‘all or nothing’ attitude.

We are complex beings and, as such, our needs may be complex and varied.  For the purpose of this blog, we will explore two areas in healthy relationship development:

Closeness ---------- I ---------- Separateness

This continuum is often the key to happiness in relationships where codependency exists.  It demonstrates the ability to be in a relationship with another person AND maintain a healthy sense of self outside of the relationship.  That means having one’s own friends, interests, leisure activities, and career/job path.   The most difficult challenge for individuals struggling with codependency is often the ability to allow another person to own his/her ‘problems’ or issues.  By achieving this, we can remain connected to someone, but separate ourselves from the issues that do not belong to us. This is called healthy detachment and can actually bring us closer to a person in that we are much more able to express compassion, understanding, and concern when we are not directly affected by an issue.  When we are affected, we may react out of our own anxiety, frustration, or disappointment and not the needs of the other person.

Rigidity ---------- I ---------- Flexibility

This continuum involves compromise and keeping an open mind.  It demonstrates the ability to bring our own wants and needs into a relationship AND to recognize the wants and needs of the other person. This means voicing what we want in an appropriate way without expecting the other person to give us exactly what we are requesting.  What can be challenging for those of us struggling with codependency is to accept responses/reactions that do not ‘fit’ with our expectations without feeling uncared for or rejected. It is important to remain open to options.  If someone is not able to give us exactly what we want/need, we can look at how we, ourselves, can fulfill that particular want/need.  In this way we are taking responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness. Conversely, it is important to allow another person to voice what he/she needs without pushing our own needs aside.  It can be a challenge to put our needs first and still feel emotionally secure in the relationship.

Creating balance in a relationship is like riding a playground teeter-totter, pushing upward and putting our needs ‘on top’, then letting go while the other person puts his/her needs ‘on top’.  It can take a lot of effort and coordination to balance the needs of both individuals so that they hover equally in the middle.  It is important to remind ourselves that maintaining a healthy relationship is a process- sometimes we will find a middle ground and other times we will not.  We just need to keep working at it and trust in the process.

Next week, we will explore how mental health treatment can address negative self-talk.

Feel free to share your own thoughts and reactions and to tell us how you work toward getting your needs met.

Treatment for Codependency- Part 2- Specific Goals

Working with a mental health professional is a commitment we make to ourselves.  It demonstrates the message, “ I matter as a human being and deserve fulfillment in my life.”  It is an experience that unfolds over time as a working relationship develops.  While the therapeutic relationship is building we can work on specific issues, practice new tools for coping, and acquire new knowledge. 

In addressing issues related to codependency in relationships, it is helpful to explore the following in mental health treatment:

• Relationship needs
• Negative self-talk
• Effective communication skills  

 Next week, we will identify two significant relationship needs and how they are/have been met in our life.