tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16264241218628627532024-03-12T18:03:52.204-04:00Get Unstuck in Your Relationships We can be in a relationship and still maintain a sense of self, taking responsibility for our needs. When we allow others to do the same, we are practicing the art of detachment- embracing the freedom to pursue goals and to grow in relationships. Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-14437624370198737552021-06-23T20:58:00.002-04:002021-06-23T20:58:51.300-04:00OM Asatoma- Prayer for Peace<p><i><b> Lead me from the Unreal to the Real</b></i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><i><b><o:p></o:p></b></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Lead me from Darkness to the Light<o:p></o:p></b></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><b>Lead me from Time-Bound Consciousness to a Timeless State of
Being</b></i><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 4.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Translated from Sanskrit & adapted from the
Pavamana Mantra<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This prayer can offer spiritual guidance for
those of us healing from co-dependency in relationships. People sruggling with codependency are masters at anticipating the emotional needs of others at the expense of their own. Co-dependent behaviors
often begin in childhood and are an effective way to reduce overwhelm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A caregiver's depression, anxiety,
or rage when confronted with life stressors leaves little room for a child’s
feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children rely on adults to
regulate their internal world, however, an emotionally dysregulated adult is
incapable of providing this. As a result, a child learns to adapt by diminishing
or dismissing their emotional needs and becoming hypervigilant of the adult’s emotional
state.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hypervigilance is a physical and
mental state of extreme alertness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
an effective way to lessen feelings of helplessness and powerlessness in the
midst of a caregiver’s emotional chaos. Essentially, when a child is able to anticipate
what is going to happen in their surroundings, they feel more in control.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A consequence of always being alert to others’ emotions is shutting
down your own. Over time, both unpleasant
and pleasant emotions become dulled, including hope, joy, excitement, and a
sense of peace in the present moment. These are beautiful qualities that
children naturally possess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you, as
a child, rely upon your ability to shut down and dull emotions on a regular
basis to manage overwhelm, those positive qualities become locked inside yourself.
It is like an internal prison where the child can see and hear the happenings
of the outside world but is unable to express itself.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The first line of the above prayer, ‘Lead me from the unreal
to the real’ reminds you that <b>what is real is that you are essentially a child of
the universe, possessing all of the positive qualities of a child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are ever-present and can never be
permanently lost. You only need to be led back to their presence.</b> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is unreal is the perception that adaptive
behaviors and beliefs that helped you survive in the past, like hypervigilance
and emotional shutdown, define who you are in the present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can acknowledge that they were necessary in
childhood, but no longer needed in adulthood because you now have access to
outer resources, like information and supportive individuals as well as inner resources like wisdom and life experience, which you did not possess as a child.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The second line, ‘Lead me from darkness to the light’ is a
plea to free the child part inside of you from its dark prison and to
experience the brilliant wonder of the universe. In the light, you regain
connection to your true nature and the freedom to grow as a human and spiritual
being.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The third line, ‘Lead me from time-bound consciousness to a
timeless state of being’ reinforces faith in a power greater than yourself. With
faith, you can let go of that need to control, which helped you to feel safer
in the chaos of your childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you
are able to connect to your higher self, the part of you that is one with the
beneficent universe, a deep sense of peace will surround you. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-50490180527840832442020-02-12T09:19:00.002-05:002020-02-13T07:39:43.639-05:00Get Off the Anxiety Wheel by Practicing Mindfulness<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The wheel is considered one of humankind’s greatest inventions.
It gave humans more freedom and control over their world. Our thoughts very
often move around and around like a wheel, however, when this happens, we lose
our sense of freedom and become stuck in indecision. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of the phrase, “you’re just spinning
your wheels” with thoughts like, ‘what if I fail?’, ‘what if I make the wrong
decision?’, ‘what will other people think of me?’ and so on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These questions end up spinning around in our
minds without end. It is a thoroughly frustrating experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A way to stop the spinning is to practice
mindfulness, noticing and being curious about our thoughts rather than judging them.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">What fuels this wheel-spinning is fear and anxiety. We feel
a lack of internal control, like our mind and body are doing this distressing
thing to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In response, we look for
things outside of us to control, like situations, people, outcomes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It relieves some of our anxiety for the
moment and is, therefore, a protective response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we can become aware of this response in
the moment, we can then consider the underlying anxiety<strong>. It is preferable to
experience our true feelings and take steps to manage those, rather than continue
to try and manage things we do not have control over. It is a paradox in that
the more we attempt to control what is external, the more powerless we become.</strong> So,
what DO we have control over? The answer is our internal world and all of the thoughts
and feelings that reside there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Our thoughts have the power to either increase anxiety or to
lessen it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being mindful of our thoughts can help make anxiety
more manageable. The three main components of mindfulness are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">§<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Notice<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">§<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Be Curious<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-bidi-font-family: Wingdings; mso-fareast-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">§<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Let it Go<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">When we stop what we are doing, close our eyes, and turn our
attention inward, thoughts will naturally come and go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal is not to stop the brain from
producing thoughts. The goal is to be aware of them by noticing the thoughts in
the moment they come up, be curious without judging them as good/bad or
right/wrong, and then let them go. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>The
following visual exercise can help:<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>See a snow globe in your mind’s eye that has been shaken
up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Notice the tiny flakes all swirling
around inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of the globe as
your mind and the flakes as your thoughts. As you watch the flakes float gently
downward, imagine your thoughts floating around, then notice as they slowly
descend and settle on the bottom of your mind just as the flakes settle at the
bottom of the snow globe.</em> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER:</strong> No one flake is better than another and, most importantly,
you are not connected emotionally to any of the flakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is similar to riding in a car or train and
watching the scenery go by. With mindfulness, you simply watch your thoughts go
by.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">If you practice noticing your thoughts in a neutral way, they
will naturally slow down, stop spinning, and prevent your anxiety from
increasing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>May we all create the time and space to connect to our internal
world, gifting ourselves with mindfulness.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-72392301334522457472019-07-08T18:28:00.001-04:002019-07-08T18:28:25.467-04:00Harnessing the Power to Tame Your Anxiety
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For many of us, trying on new experiences and stepping out
of our comfort zone produces anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This anxiety can be manageable or severe enough to prevent us moving
forward into something new and exciting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A way to manage anxiety and harness your self-power is to ask the
question, What do I need in order to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><em><span style="font-size: x-small;">fill in the blank</span></em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></u>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just asking the question can be a challenge,
however, as an adult, the only person truly able to know what you need is YOU.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>If asking the question, What Do I Need? is unfamiliar to
you, consider breaking it down into the following: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How?<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>WHO</strong>- It can be helpful to have someone accompany you. Ensure
it is someone you trust, who keeps you grounded in the present, not triggered
back into the past, or full of ‘what ifs’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If this is not possible, could you keep in contact with the person via
text message or phone?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the
symptoms of anxiety is a sense of being disconnected from the environment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This includes not just objects but
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you are able to connect
with another, your anxiety will decrease.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>WHAT</strong>- Identify an object that brings comfort or joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people connect to good luck charms which
can bring a sense of control over worrisome situations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be especially helpful to have a ‘kit’
of resources like a tote bag or backpack that contains the things needed to
meet basic needs like water, essential oils for focus or relaxation, snacks, a
notebook to write down and organize your thoughts, or a puzzle book that keeps
the logical part of the brain online.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
emotions overwhelm us, the rational part of the brain shuts off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>WHEN</strong>- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Know what time
of the day is most soothing to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
people are highly anxious in the mornings as melatonin decreases and adrenaline
increases urging you to start your day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Create time to practice a tool or activity that emotionally
calms/soothes you prior to the new experience. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When anxiety is triggered, the nervous system
becomes highly aroused and the brain secretes stress hormones, like cortisol
and adrenaline. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yoga poses, rhythmic
breathing, a youtube meditation, or brisk walk are just some ways to decrease
this state of arousal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Furthermore,
running behind schedule, in itself, can trigger anxiety. Ensure that you have wiggle
room to accommodate unexpected delays.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>WHERE</strong>-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Know the setup
of the situation and, if possible, visit the location prior to the activity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This will create some familiarity. If you are
able to enter the building/area, make note of an accessible restroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can provide a time-out to practice a
relaxation tool, repeat an affirmation or connect to your support person without
being observed by others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anxiety often
overrides the logical part of the brain, therefore, the less ‘figuring out’ you
need to do the day of, the less draining it will be on your entire system.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>WHY</strong>- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you are
clear on why you are facing the anxiety-producing experience, you can uncover the
motivation to persist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other
hand, if you are proceeding because of feeling pressured by others that you
‘should’ do it, the motivation will be minimal. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Purpose is especially helpful when the
situation is one you really do not want to face, however, it would hurt
yourself or others if you did not, such as, having a dental procedure, showing
up for a job interview, or visiting a loved one in the hospital. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>HOW</strong>- Consider the personal qualities you need to possess,
like courage, persistence, or flexibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You can then create a real or imagined visual symbol that represents the
quality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In your mind, see your present
self connected with that symbol, embracing it, holding it in your hands. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are connecting with a specific character,
look into their eyes and thank them for accompanying you into the experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It might be helpful to imagine your present
self as that character with the same manner of dress, posture, and facial
expression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Asking, What Do I Need?, connects you to a sense of self-power
over the inner workings of your mind and body as well as your external
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider this quote by the
writer, Alice Walker, best-known for her book, The Color Purple.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>“The most common way people give up their power is by
thinking they don’t have any.”<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Keep in mind it is not necessary to answer all of the
questions in order to experience a sense of empowerment over your anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take the steps you are able to and let go of
the others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most important of all, be
gentle with yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-222486792766293372019-06-17T19:47:00.001-04:002020-08-01T12:38:15.512-04:00Toxic Stress in Relationships<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at
this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a hidden meaning behind all events
and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”</em><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 2.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> -</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Deepak Chopra<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">There may be individuals in our lives whom we do not plan to
sever ties with, however, their words and actions often cause us great
distress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This distress goes beyond mild
annoyance or irritation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can actually
be toxic to our self-image, feeling of emotional safety, and sense of
competency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CHARACTERISTICS OF ‘TOXIC
STRESS’ ARE: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All-consuming</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may be able to identify a specific emotion
or two that gets triggered by a toxic person, however, the stress seeps into
the core self and triggers negative beliefs about who we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Examples of these negative beliefs are: ‘I am
not lovable’, ‘ I am worthless’, ‘I am weak’, ‘ I am helpless’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
carry negative beliefs with us into every situation and make decisions, based
on these beliefs, about who to trust, what challenges to confront, and whether
or not we learn from our experiences. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Physical.</b> The
effects of toxic stress are felt severely in the body from migraines and back
pain to irritable bowel syndrome and other gastrointestinal maladies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The physical discomfort serves to distract us
from the emotional pain that is triggered by the person toxic to us. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Emotions occur in our bodies before the
conscious mind is able to label them. Consider common sayings like, “he is such
a pain in the neck” or “she is a pain in the ass” or “I wish he would get off
my back.” Ask yourself- How would I describe this toxic stress in bodily terms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Persistent</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The residue of interactions with a toxic
person can remain with us for days, weeks, even months after an encounter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we do not explore and work through our
emotional distress, eventually it becomes stored in our brain until the next
encounter and we end up with a tangled mess of unreleased emotions from all the
previous interactions with the person. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we become triggered, meaning our brain
connects our current experience with the previous ones, the ‘mess’ pops out
from our emotional ‘junk drawer’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
toxic stress overwhelms us and compromises our ability to respond in a
rational, healthy way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Setting and maintaining boundaries in a relationship with a
person who is toxic to us is the key to preserving our emotional health. The
same way we take action to protect our physical health from toxicity in the
physical environment, we need to protect our emotional health from toxicity in
human relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<u><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Consider this scenario:<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Your neighbor next door is in the back yard spraying a tree
with a toxic pesticide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you walk
into your back yard with no face mask, your skin exposed, lean over the fence,
and have a conversation with this neighbor? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">If it was really necessary to interact with the neighbor,
you might take precautions and physically shield your skin, remain a good
distance away from the toxicity, or wait until there is a time when it is safer
to approach this person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">WHEN IT COMES TO EMOTIONAL TOXICITY YOU CAN:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Take Precautions.</b>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mentally prepare yourself<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘psych
yourself up’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>by using some relaxation tools,
positive affirmations, identifying any expectations, and even writing down
specific statements you can use to set boundaries. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Keep your distance</b>.
Consider who else will be present, the location, activity involved, and purpose
of the encounter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Create some distance
by having a buffer, someone you trust to run interference for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Most important of all, is to weigh the necessity of
interacting with the toxic person, know that you are in charge of your own
emotional health, and believe that you have the personal right to choose how
much toxicity, if any, you wish to be exposed to.<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">From a spiritual perspective, it just may be that this toxic
person is a gift from the universe, someone most able to trigger an issue that
needs to be addressed by you in order to continue on your journey toward
healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Basically, if your ‘stuff’
doesn’t come to the surface, you can’t work on it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>May we all work toward releasing toxic stress in
relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and confronting our emotional triggers.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-46030786592870050092019-03-01T16:08:00.001-05:002019-03-05T09:04:06.169-05:00The Survival Response in Relationships<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">When you experience a perceived threat, your brain responds
involuntarily.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It is the same mechanism
that enabled your ancestors to survive thousands of years ago as cavepeople. Within
the brain’s limbic system, sometimes referred to as the ‘reptilian brain’, there
is something called your amygdala. It controls all of your survival instincts
like hunger, thirst, and sexual and maternal urges, and is, therefore, really efficient
at detecting threats to your survival. Once a threat is detected, the amygdala sends
a signal for the body to get ready to fight, flee, or freeze. Your body
experiences actual physical changes as the hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, increase.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>You may notice that your respiration
quickens, vision narrows, and blood flows away from your organs and out toward your
limbs. It is all part of the survival process.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">W</span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">hile the physical changes are the same as they were thousands
of years of ago, the types of threats<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>we
face have changed significantly.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It is
not a saber-toothed tiger coming your way, but a boss who reminds you of your
hyper-critical parent or a police officer who has just pulled you over. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>When you are experiencing difficulties in
relationships, it can be helpful to identify your own primary response to
danger. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Fighting</b> is just what it seems to be.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It is moving toward a perceived danger and
confronting it.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>In an argument, the
‘fighter’ most often looks directly at the other person, asks direct questions,
demands answers, raises one’s voice or talks over the person, and moves in an
agitated way. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Fleeing </b>is moving away from a threat and attempting to avoid
it. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>In an argument, the ‘fleer’ most
likely avoids eye contact, turns away from the other person or leaves the
situation, deflects questions, gives evasive answers, and/or becomes ‘busy’ in
some unrelated activity or task. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Freezing</b> is, essentially, shutting down. Like the antelope
in the wild, the person ‘plays dead’ until the threat has passed.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>The ‘freezer’ most often turns silent, stares
into space, shrugs when asked a question, takes on a rigid posture, and is,
overall, unresponsive.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Within the context of relationship, you really need to
understand not just your own response to threat, but the other person’s as well
so that you can detach in a healthy way and refrain from taking their words and
actions personally.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>A common situation
that occurs in relationships is <b>response escalation.</b><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>This is when each person’s initial response
becomes further activated by the other’s danger response. <span style="font-size: large;">It is like a super
stressful game of tennis in which the ball is returned with more and more force
each time.</span> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">For example, two people plan to meet at a specific time for
dinner.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>One is punctual while the other
arrives almost 30 minutes late. Being on time is very important to the first
person, therefore, arriving late shows a lack of concern for his/her feelings.
This is the perceived threat, anger and anxiety are triggered, and the brain is
thrown into a ‘fight’ response.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>When the
second person shows up, the ‘fighter’ is standing with shoulders back, hands
clenched in attack mode. In a loud tone of voice, they demand to know why the
person is late and, without allowing the opportunity for a response, goes on
about how long they have been waiting, how hungry they are, and how rude,
inconsiderate, etc. the other person.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Now, unable to recognize this as an involuntary danger response, the
second person becomes anxious. Their brain is thrown into a ‘freeze’
response.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>They put their head down,
avoid eye contact, and do not verbally respond.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>This causes the ‘fighter’ to feel further ignored and offended, so the
fight response increases, the ‘freezer’ shuts down even more, and on they go in
a tennis match of heightened stress.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>So what do you do after identifying your primary response to
danger?</b><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="margin: 0px;"></span>Communicate. Choose a time after
the brain has reset and the body’s physical response has subsided.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Sit down with the other person and talk about
what triggered one of the three responses and how the brain is wired to ensure
our survival.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span><b>It can be relieving for
both you and the other person to understand that fighting, fleeing, or freezing
behaviors are not something you consciously choose in the moment, and,
therefore, are not connected to bad intentions.</b><span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Consider this French proverb:</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: large;"><i>“To understand everything is to forgive everything.”</i></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">May we all strive for self-awareness with curiosity and an
open heart and may our relationships benefit.</span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-46059355622851850732018-12-06T08:20:00.001-05:002018-12-06T08:22:16.254-05:00Self-Gratitude<i><br /></i>
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: large;"><i>“Use what talents you
possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang
the best.”</i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>-Henry
van Dyke</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">For some of us, the holiday season brings to the surface
feelings such as loss, loneliness, and regret as well as the tendency to
compare ourselves to others.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We may feel
that we are lacking and that others are living much more abundant lives. One of
the ways to counteract these thoughts and emotions, which can truly dampen our
spirits, is to practice gratitude. Gratitude injects us with positive energy
that boosts our physical and emotional resiliency so we are better able to
weather the challenges that come up. One way to practice gratitude is to focus
on the external gifts in our lives, like, material comforts, awards/recognitions,
and relationships within our families and communities, however, it is also
helpful to recognize our internal gifts.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Our internal gifts are an integral part of our core selves. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">These
internal gifts include: </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Wisdom</b>- knowledge gained from processing and then reflecting
on life experiences</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Formal skills</b>- procedural behaviors learned through
schooling and mentorship</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">*<b>Natural abilities/talents</b>- logical, visual, auditory,
physical, literary, interpersonal, intrapersonal</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Helpful Habits</b>- daily actions/self-talk that make up our
self-care routine </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">When we become thankful for our own internal gifts, we are
able to recognize and accept our true worth. This stimulates our ability to
self-motivate and to work toward our goals. <b><span style="color: black; margin: 0px;">When
we self-motivate we are more likely to engage in activities and embrace
experiences for the intrinsic reward rather than the external one. </span></b><b><span style="color: black; margin: 0px;">This intrinsic reward becomes more
tangible when we devote our time and energy to those activities which utilize
our internal gifts.</span></b></span><span style="color: black; margin: 0px;"></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Self- gratitude extends outward. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We may end up recognizing that many of our
internal gifts are the direct result of our interactions with other people: <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>the person who taught us the skill, encouraged
our natural talent, modeled emotional resiliency and self-care, or gave us the
support and personal space to process and learn from our life experiences.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>*</b>A full description of natural talents is offered in the
book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">7 Kinds of Smart </i>by Thomas
Armstrong.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i>May we all practice self-gratitude, progress on our life
path, and be the best version of ourselves at each stage of the journey.</i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-40569817816262625032018-03-25T18:59:00.000-04:002019-09-11T19:51:14.106-04:00Live and Learn<span style="font-family: "calibri";">As a member of this 'information age', you may pride yourself on being a highly-skilled planner and expert researcher,<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>gathering information through google searches, consulting with friends, family members, and professionals, and weighing all the
pros and cons before moving forward toward a goal. The truth is, most, if not all, of your
learning and personal growth is the result of taking action. Consider the value of 'going with your gut' and diving into an experience. Here are a few reasons why you may be over-preparing:</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "times new roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">To prevent making a ‘mistake’ or ‘failing’</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "times new roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">To ensure there are no surprises and, if there
are, to be ready for them</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "times new roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">To eliminate feeling solely responsible for your
actions if things do not work out</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>All of the above
share a common underlying factor-<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>FEAR. </span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">There is a certain amount of planning that is beneficial to
your endeavors, however, when this becomes excessive, you may be allowing fear to take control and procrastination to set in. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Let's look at 2 common learning
experiences for children- swimming and riding a bike.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>A child could read many books on these
subjects that help to understand how a bike is constructed, the science
of motion and types of swim strokes and swimming
gear.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>None of this will actually help
a child to swim or ride a bike.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Knowledge comes, essentially, from doing engaging in the active process.<span style="margin: 0px;"> T</span>he child's degree of success increases each time the child ‘fails’, reflects on the result, and
then makes the necessary adjustments.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">These adjustments may be physical, such as shifting body
weight or relaxing certain muscles; cognitive, like making connections- i.e. ‘when I
move my arms like this, then this happens’; and emotional, such as reducing anxiety
or frustration by taking a break and a few deep breaths. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">You can also apply this process to building relationships:
taking an action and engaging with someone new, then ‘failing’ in certain
situations, reflecting on the result, like ‘did this help us to connect more?’
or ‘do I understand his/her perspective better?’, and finally, making
adjustments to your words and actions. Ultimately, the only way to learn how to
be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship is to simply BE in relationship with
other people.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: large;">When you step out of your comfort zone and set out to experience
a new relationship, skill, or interest it is helpful to be aware of hidden
fears.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>
This awareness can benefit you more than all of the research and advice
gathered. In fact, looking inward can be an integral part of the preparation
process.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i>It is important to remind ourselves that whatever outcome our
actions create, there is always something to be learned.</i> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-72555819808422133742018-01-07T19:04:00.003-05:002018-01-17T16:18:38.593-05:00Embracing Joy in the New Year<i></i><b></b><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: large;"><b>“What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you
are to do.”</b></span></div>
<i></i><b></b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px 168px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> -</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Sanaya Roman (Living with Joy)</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Many of us start off the new year full of ideas on how to be
more productive, organized, punctual, and successful in our lives.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Behind these resolutions are our best
intentions, however, we often overlook the bigger picture.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We can be all of those things listed, but
they do not matter if we do not experience enough joy in our lives.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Discovering what brings us joy and taking
steps to experience that joy is the foundation for fulfillment.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Essentially, joy is what makes life worth
living.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Here are some ideas to help you embrace joy in the new year:</b></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Be present</b>- When we practice being more in the here and now
we are better able to catch ourselves experiencing joy.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Joy can be as fleeting as a single moment and
we don’t want to miss it. If we miss it, we miss crucial information about what
exactly creates that feeling within us.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Tame Your Expectations</b>-<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Many of us strive to be happy all the time and we think we are flawed in
some way when we are not.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Joy is not a
permanent state.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It is a feeling like
any other and feelings come and go.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>If joy
were a permanent state, it wouldn’t cause us to feel so breathtakingly free and
alive when it happens.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Its rarity is
what sets the moment apart from all others.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b>Redefine success</b>- It is common for many of us to focus on
what is tangible and to define success by what we ‘get’ monetarily and
materially from an activity or experience.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>We can shift our thinking and reach for the goal of achieving joy.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Consider the success of indoor activity
centers like Chuckee Cheese and Dave & Busters. One can quickly and easily
spend $50 in tokens/chips in order to win a prize that would cost $10 if purchased
directly from the store.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>If we look at
the bigger picture, it is truly the joy of the experience that will outlive the
entertainment value of the actual prize.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">As adults, we can become bogged down in all that needs to get
done.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Taking some time out for joy
requires effort and commitment, but if we incorporate the above ideas into our
daily routine, we will see that opportunities are all around us.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i>May we all be open to joy in our lives, believe we deserve
it, and take steps to embrace it.</i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px 168px;">
<br /></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-6079342932341842832017-12-18T16:48:00.004-05:002018-09-05T13:56:38.971-04:00An Exercise in Letting Go<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: large;"><b>“The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.” </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>-Atisha</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
TO LISTEN TO AN AUDIO VERSION CLICK HERE <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9cuQeRcZs&t=98s">www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9cuQeRcZs&t=98s</a></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">What does it mean to let go?<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Some of us believe letting go is to just stop thinking about a
problem.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Others see it as replacing a problem, in the form of a person or situation, with another person or a different situation.<span style="margin: 0px;"> However, before we move on, we need to let go. Letting go is, essentially, how we heal.</span><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Healing is made up of layers; heart, mind,
body, and spirit.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span><b>When we let go we
clean out the negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that hold us back from
achieving what we want in life.</b><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>As we go on living, layers of dirt and grime accumulate and, like a drain pipe, the channels of our heart, mind, body, and spirit become clogged with past hurts, losses, and disappointments. It becomes necessary to unclog those channels in order to let go and to heal.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The following meditation can help us take a step in the process toward letting
something go in our life.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet
uncrossed and flat on the ground.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Close
your eyes and think about the person or situation that you are having trouble
letting go of.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Notice any images that
arise related to the issue.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>What emotion
is coming up? <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Identify the emotion;
fear, anger, sadness, confusion, overwhelm.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Notice where you feel it in your body.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Be aware of any muscle tension, warmth, coolness, heaviness, or tingling.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Give the emotion a color that represents what
you are experiencing.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>There is no right
or wrong color. It just needs to reflect what is happening in the moment.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Now imagine a big bubble floating in the air at
eye level in front of you.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Take a deep
breath in through your nose with your mouth closed.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Exhale through your mouth, forcefully
releasing the air. <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>See it as your chosen
color.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Imagine blowing the colored air
into the bubble.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>See the bubble expand
with your colored breath inside.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Continue
taking deep breaths and then exhaling into the bubble.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">After several breaths, pause and notice the
degree of emotion you are feeling in the moment.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Notice if anything has changed in your
physical body.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Has the sensation moved,
lessened, or increased?<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Are there any
new sensations?<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>If you feel the emotion
has subsided to some degree and you are okay with that, you can proceed to the next
step or, if you want to release more, take a few final breaths in and blowing
out.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">When you are done releasing, see in your mind’s
eye, the image of the bubble filled with your colored breath.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Imagine taking your finger and popping the bubble,
releasing the air.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>See the air like
colored smoke, floating up and dissipating into the atmosphere until it is completely gone.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "symbol"; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Now, sit with your back straight and your hands
resting on your thighs, palms facing up, fingers relaxed.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>With eyes closed, repeat silently to
yourself, “I am letting go.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I am
receiving healing and freedom from <u>______________________________</u>.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 11px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>(Fill in the
blank with a specific emotion)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It is important to be gentle with ourselves and to know
that, <b>depending upon the intensity and the layers of “dirt”, we may need to
practice this exercise more than once</b>.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>It may be more comfortable to release little bits at a time, rather than
to let the feelings go all at once.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>We
need to be sure to listen to our inner self, to honor it, and to be fully
present in the moment.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><i>May we all practice moments of letting go, embracing a sense
of joy and freedom in our relationships.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px;">
<i><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><b><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br /></b></span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 11px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: large;"><b>TO LISTEN TO AN AUDIO VERSION OF THIS EXERCISE CLICK HERE</b></span><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9cuQeRcZs&t=98s">www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9cuQeRcZs&t=98s</a></span></i></div>
<b></b><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><i></i><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-60417661634311990732017-10-29T09:14:00.001-04:002017-12-18T10:24:28.208-05:00An Exercise in Mindfulness<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><b>"Change your thoughts and you can change your world."</b></span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span></i><br />
<b></b><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">-</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">-</span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Norman Vincent Peale</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">According to the National
Science Foundation, the average person has approximately 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts
per day. An anxious person could probably double that number. Since
our thoughts affect how we feel, whether we are conscious of them or
not, it is beneficial to increase our self-awareness in order to change
the thoughts that cause anxiety. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The following mindfulness
exercise can help us to do this:</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Find a quiet, comfortable
place to relax. Make sure there are no distractions and that you are sitting in a
supportive position or lying flat. Rest your hands on your lap or at your
sides, palms face up, open to receive feelings of peace and relaxation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Begin to notice your breath. You do not need
to alter your breath in any way. Just notice your chest or abdomen rising and
falling. Notice the air as it enters your nostrils, then as you exhale.
We hold a lot of tension in our face, so consciously try to relax your
eyelids and your jaw muscles.</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">After
taking approximately 10 breaths, turn your attention inward to your thoughts.
See your thoughts as colored autumn leaves floating on the surface of a
stream. Notice how some of the leaves float continuously up the stream,
while others swirl around in a circular pattern. These may be repeating
thoughts that play like a record and feed fears and insecurities. With curiosity
and no judgment see these leaves in your mind and, one by one, allow them to
break out of the circle and float up the stream, being led by the current. </span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Notice how other leaves are
stuck behind a tree limb that juts into the water from the shore. These may be
stagnant thoughts that do not serve you but that are so familiar you are
hesitant to let go of them. Again, with curiosity and no judgment, see a
great ripple in the stream that stirs the leaves out and away from the limb.
See them bobbing on the surface of the water and then joining the other
leaves floating up the stream and into the distance.</span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
</div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">When practicing
mindfulness, we need to remind ourselves that our brain is always generating
thoughts; during sleep, in the form of dreams, even during moments of
mindfulness. <span style="font-size: large;">The goal is not to eliminate thoughts altogether but to simply be
aware of them without judgment. </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>May we all be
willin<span style="color: black;">g </span>to <span style="color: black;">g</span>ive
ourselves <span style="color: black;">the</span> <span style="color: black;">g</span>ifts
of peace and relaxation and to practice <span style="color: black;">thi</span>s
on a daily basis.<o:p></o:p></em></span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-24340739515139193172017-03-08T16:16:00.002-05:002018-09-19T14:52:14.719-04:00Social Media- To Distract or Not to Distract Part 2<h3>
<em>"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor."</em></h3>
<br />
- Thich Nhat Hanh<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In the last post, we explored how the use of social media
can help us avoid uncomfortable feelings, move away from the present moment,
and disconnect from our internal world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
can offer temporary relief from loneliness, self-doubt, sadness, anxiety, and
many other blocks to peace/happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
with any activity, it is always helpful to understand our intent behind
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we sign on to a social media
site, we can ask ourselves- Why am I choosing to utilize my time in this
activity? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the answer is to bring
emotional relief, it may be wise to look inward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">It is easy to become dependent upon
something external to help us feel safe, at ease, even loved.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This may sound familiar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What we are talking about is the essence of
an addiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">There is a saying in mental health circles-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Addiction is addiction is addiction...”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Truly, any activity can become addictive,
from eating food, shopping online, and going to work to taking pain medication
or using alcohol/drugs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The key to
defining addiction is to know the intent behind it. With an addiction, the intent is to temporarily
relieve us of an unpleasant emotional state.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;">If the activity does its job, we return to it again and then again until
we have given up power over our internal world.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hence, the 2<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">nd</span></sup> step in a 12-step program – "Admitted we were
powerless over (fill in the blank)". <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While there is currently no 12-step group
designated to the overuse of social media, its addictive potential should not
be dismissed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Once we have identified our intent to avoid unpleasant
emotions, then it is important to maintain our connection to the present
moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do we do this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can bring our attention to breath and
body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>The following exercise can be helpful:<o:p></o:p></strong></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Sit in a comfortable position, making sure the spine is
straight and shoulders back. This opens up the diaphragm, located in the center
of the ribcage, so that the breath can flow deeply.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Inhale through the nose with the mouth closed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you inhale, notice the temperature of the
air touching your nostrils, then flowing down the back of your throat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Exhale through the mouth and notice the warmth of the breath
as it moves up from the throat. Notice the sound of the breath as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">If you find that your mind is jumbled up with thoughts, images,
etc. see a snow globe in your mind’s eye. Imagine this is your mind and the
bits of snow are just ‘static’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See the
snow floating downward and settling at the bottom of the globe as if this is the
static of your mind settling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Once the static has settled, see a door or a window in your
mind’s eye and watch as it opens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Imagine you are opening your mind to your innermost thoughts and
emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><em>Allow whatever comes up to
just come up and simply notice the information without judgement.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It is important to remember that there are no ‘shoulds’ to
this practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do not need to control
the process, just to be present, open, and observant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We serve only as a witness to what comes up
and can respond with simple curiosity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-62410588334231768712017-03-01T16:21:00.003-05:002018-09-19T14:40:59.513-04:00Social Media- To Distract or Not to Distract Part 1<br />
<h3 class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<em>“The best way out is always through.”<o:p></o:p></em></h3>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> - </span>Robert
Frost<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Many of us find ourselves bored and/or anxious during
periods of downtime. We know logically that there are multiple tasks/chores we
can engage in, however, we long to feel connected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For many of us, our habit is to turn on the
computer, iphone, ipad, and sign in to a social media site like FaceBook or
Twitter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We peruse the posts and the
pics of everyday activities and special events alike. The clock ticks as we
become more and more involved in the activity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gradually, we become more disconnected from ourselves; unaware of our
breath, the sensations in our body, our emotions, our internal world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Why is this important? When a person disconnects from
his/her self it is often a way to avoid unpleasant emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the modern world there are so many options
for distracting from, turning off, and tuning out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Emotions occur in the body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are generated from the brain and, before
we are even able to say, for instance, ‘I am angry…’ or anxious, or sad, etc.
our body has already experienced the emotion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;">When we are not aware of our bodily sensations, we are unable to hear
important messages.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without knowledge of
these messages, we are more likely to pursue an activity or a relationship that
will, ultimately, be ineffective in fulfilling our needs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>When we are not aware of internal messages, we can
experience symptoms such as:<o:p></o:p></strong></span></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Insomnia</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Overeating</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Muscle tension/chronic pain</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Obsessive thoughts</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Difficulty concentrating<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";">The acts of avoiding, detaching, and distracting are,
sometimes, referred to as forms of ‘dissociation’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a protective function of the brain
that enables us to endure physical/emotional pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Survivors of sexual abuse often describe
their experience in this way-“It was like I left my body and I was watching it
happen to someone else.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This form of
dissociation preserves the psyche so that ‘parts’ of us can go on to function
in everyday life while the painful emotions, negative beliefs about ourselves,
and physical sensations we experienced at the time of the disturbing event, can
be contained within a designated part of the self. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">We also experience dissociation in less disturbing situations.
Many of us have driven somewhere but, when we reached our destination, had no recollection of the actual driving experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was as if we drove on autopilot, our body performing the task at hand,
our mind somewhere else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we
dissociate we are not fully in the present moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like the example of sexual abuse illustrates,
dissociation causes us to leave our body, therefore, <span style="font-size: large;">the key to being present
is to reconnect with the physical self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
body does not exist in the past or the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is grounded right here and
now.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">There are, of course, those exceptional situations in which
dissociation is necessary and helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What
the use of social media can bring out in us is, not an exceptional situation,
but the chronic tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These may be the very feelings we need to
experience in order to get unstuck in our lives and relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>In the next post, we will explore how to bring awareness
back to our bodies, and, consequently, our true emotions.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-32645909646895480692016-11-25T08:53:00.002-05:002016-11-25T08:53:18.010-05:00The Season is Upon Us- Part 3-Expressions of Care<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The world around us is filled with all kinds of expression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trees and flowers bend toward the sun’s rays, bees hover over an exceptionally sweet flower, blades of grass turn brown when they are thirsty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Human beings are part of nature and they have different ways of expressing themselves as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During the winter holidays it can be helpful not to judge other forms of expression but to try and understand the message behind them. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Look Behind the Action</strong>-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some families are able to verbalize their care and concern and to actually say, “I love you” or “I love sharing the holiday with you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other families express themselves in different ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be helpful to look for the sentiment behind the actions of others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some families, cooking and sharing food, ironing a shirt, or picking up some key ingredient at the store is a way to express care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may be easier for these individuals to offer something concrete and tangible. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Value the Obvious</strong>-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may overlook the care, time, and effort invested in things that we have stopped noticing because they have always been there. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider the care behind a holiday display, decorations, or a table setting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Take Things at Face Value</strong>- Some relationships may not offer the closeness we desire throughout the year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During the holiday season, a person may feel that they have ‘permission’ to express themselves more openly, that it is somehow less of a risk at this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather than dismiss these once-a-year expressions of love and concern, we can take them for what they are in the moment and let go of our resentment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Be the Difference</strong>- We may long for others to set aside their resentments, bitterness, or sadness, during the holidays, however, it is most helpful to keep the focus on ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can be the example of holiday spirit acting with compassion, openness, forgiveness, and optimism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The energy we bring to a situation does affect others in either a negative or positive way.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">May we all strive to discover our own forms of expression and to share them in our relationships. Have a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season….</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-1331201951252741662016-06-13T07:41:00.002-04:002020-10-26T14:03:14.709-04:00Nurturing the Self- Part 3<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The Nurturer part of the Self encourages us to rest and slow down, to create space when we feel overwhelmed, to connect when we need
support/guidance, and to nourish our bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These elements are essential to well-being, however, there is a function
of the Nurturer part that may be less familiar to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the ability to emotionally
self-soothe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to self-soothe we
need to have knowledge of what gives us a sense of safety and comfort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a healthy, functioning household a child
learns this from a primary caretaker who is able to hold us when frightened, kiss our boo-boos, and rub away a stomach ache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">As our sense
of self develops we internalize these soothing actions and ‘carry’ this
internal caretaker with us as we go through life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are then able to access the Nurturer part as an
adult and rely upon our own ability to self-soothe.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span> </span>For those of us who grew up in a less functional
family system, we may not have experienced this type of soothing on a
consistent basis or at all, and are, therefore, unable to access this internal Nurturer for soothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">This can be especially problematic growing up with family addiction. The kind of self-soothing shown to us involved using an external object/activity like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, etc. to escape our pain. Despite this, we can
learn and become skilled at self-soothing in a healthy way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em><span style="font-size: large;">The following exercise can be helpful:<o:p></o:p></span></em></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Sit in a comfortable position with feet flat on the ground
and back straight which opens up the diaphragm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Begin by closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deep-breathing utilizes the diaphragm and is
not like our regular breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Breathe in through the nose with mouth
closed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">As you breathe in, expand your
diaphragm located right in the center under your chest area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rest your hand there to help you to be more
aware.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">After you inhale, hold the breath
for about 3-4 counts, then exhale through your mouth as if you are blowing
through a straw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allow the air to flow
naturally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not force it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Allow your shoulders to sink down with each breath out.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Continue to take 5 or 6 deep breaths
or until your breathing is slow and even and your body feels relaxed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Now place both hands in front of you, palms facing toward you.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Cross hands one in front of the other and link the thumbs
together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It should look like a
butterfly, hence the name of this technique, ‘butterfly hug’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Now rest your ‘butterfly’ against your chest, right under your collar bones, and gently, VERY
SLOWLY pat with your hands from left to right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Continue to pat left and right while you visualize a calm,
relaxing scene in your mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See
yourself alone there sitting, standing, or laying down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Notice in your imagination what you can see
around you- include colors, light/shadow, objects, and natural elements like
grass, plants, clouds, mountains, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Next, notice what you can feel on your skin and if your body feels
light, heavy, or like it is floating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go
on to notice what you can smell- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>i.e.
the air, the ocean, perfume, flowers, etc., then<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>what you can taste and hear in the scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember to just notice without any judgment
or thought about what it might mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be
sure to continuously pat left and right VERY SLOWLY throughout this exercise. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">** If you have trouble connecting to a particular sense, just
let it go and move on to one of the other five senses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It is important to remember that relaxation and exercises
like the one above take time and practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;">Each time we practice is an opportunity to increase self-awareness and
begin building our self-soothing ‘muscle’.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Building any kind of muscle feels uncomfortable at first, but it gradually
becomes easier over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">We need to remember to enjoy the process and be gentle
with ourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<em>
</em><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>May we all find the inspiration and willingness to embrace
what is new and unfamiliar in order to strengthen our true sense of self.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-80929325005004448972016-06-13T07:37:00.002-04:002020-10-26T13:51:37.503-04:00Nurturing the Self- Part 2
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Growing up in a family with addiction can cause us to feel
that we are never good enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person
struggling with addiction is fundamentally unhappy with him/herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span><span style="font-size: large;">There is, essentially, nothing anyone can do and nothing outside that person that will give him/her a sense of peace,
wholeness, and self-acceptance. </span>We can try to do this out of genuine love and concern, but</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> o</span>ur efforts will often fail
and leave us feeling inadequate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over
time, we may blame ourselves for failing and end up punishing ourselves by being overly self-critical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this circumstance, it is
essential to develop and connect with the Nurturer part of our Self in order to tone down self-criticism and to stop emotionally ‘beating' ourselves up with very harsh, negative self-talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can notice when this happens and then ask,
if someone we care about made the same mistake, decision, or caused the same
issue, how would we speak to him/her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is important to understand that in order to keep the
family system ‘running’, members often become super accommodating to the person
struggling with addiction and avoid upsetting them so as not to be subjected to anger, criticism, and rejection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may
even create two separate systems of ‘rules’ – one for the addicted person and
one for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may be impossible to even
conceive being negative and harsh with him/her, but emotionally beat ourselves up with ease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We can increase our awareness of self-criticism and begin to
take steps to treat ourselves with the care and respect we give to others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In part three of this post, we will explore a specific
exercise that nurtures the Self in a healthy way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-71132916482558922802016-06-12T08:10:00.001-04:002020-10-26T14:09:32.451-04:00Nurturing the Self- Part 1
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Addiction often interferes in a person’s self-care and, as
the addiction progresses, prevents a person from meeting even his/her most
basic needs. When growing up in a family where a member struggles
with addiction, it becomes necessary for others to devote much time, energy,
and emotion toward taking care of that person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All members naturally adjust in order to keep the system running,
however that may require each person setting aside his/her own needs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The ‘part’ of the Self that takes care of others can be
termed the Nurturer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This part helps us
to meet the physical and emotional needs of other people, however, its purpose
is also to help us take care of the Self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In order to live a balanced life, we need ask ourselves, "Is the
Nurturer part allowing us to meet our own needs in a sufficient way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>Some signs that indicate we may not be
sufficiently caring for ourselves are:<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Feeling emotionally/physically drained</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Experiencing chronic muscle tension</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having difficulty falling asleep or sleeping through the night without feeling rested</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Having scattered thoughts or feeling ‘all over the place’</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Feeling lonely or bored even while in the company of others</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Fantasizing/Daydreaming about starting a new life somewhere else <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We can begin to become more connected to the Nurturer part by observing how we take care of others, such as providing emotional support by being non-judgmental and compassionate, cooking a meal,
returning a phone call, picking up
something at the store for someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;">Once we are able to recognize all of the ways in which we nurture others
we can then transfer that energy toward the Self.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In part two of this post, we will explore how self-criticism
plays a role in our lives and how the nurturer can counteract that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-4655834212865764812016-03-13T12:06:00.003-04:002016-03-13T12:06:34.446-04:00Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 3
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>“No idea is
conceived in our mind independent of our five senses.”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> -
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: small;">Albert
Einstein<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the last chapter we looked at some suggestions to help <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sensors</i> utilize their intuition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now let’s look at how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">intuitives</i> can deepen their awareness of the five senses and
utilize the information to make a decision that is best for them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Here are some suggestions:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 153.7pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Be in nature</strong>- The natural world is
filled with opportunities to stimulate our senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go for a walk in the park or on the beach,
sit in the grass or on the sand, close your eyes, and identify what you can
smell, hear, see, touch, and taste. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be
extra aware of your breath and notice how fast or slow you are breathing. Are
you breathing from your upper chest or down from your diaphragm? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 153.7pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Embrace the ‘new’-</strong> It is easy for
our five senses to become dull when we stick to what is familiar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Visit some place you’ve never been to before,
engage in a new activity/interest, cook/taste new foods while paying attention
to the senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we heighten our
senses we will be better able to identify them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 153.7pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Connect with an animal</strong>- All kinds
of creatures can help to heighten our senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you have access to an animal, use your five senses to deepen your
connection with him/her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Notice how it
feels to hold/touch it, and how it smells. What sounds does the animal make
while engaging in various activities like, eating, drinking, relaxing, playing,
etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 153.7pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Developing awareness takes time
and practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It requires being fully
present in the here and now and staying connected to our physical body. This is
the true essence of mindfulness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 153.7pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>May we all experience balance in our
lives as we deepen both our intuitive and sensing abilities.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-7665655347050101052016-03-02T20:47:00.001-05:002016-03-13T12:08:18.248-04:00Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 2<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: small;"> <em>" I have a
bad feeling about this.”<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>-Han
Solo in the movie “Star Wars”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">In the last
chapter we defined two personality traits-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>intuition and sensing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personality
traits run on a continuum, however, we most likely have a ‘preference’, relying
more on one or the other to gather information. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">The more information we gather prior to making
a decision will increase our chances of making the best one for us.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can we be more balanced in our decision-making
efforts, utilizing both intuition and sensing? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">If our personality
‘preference’ is to rely on the information our five senses take in, we might try
to develop some intuitive ability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here
are some suggestions:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Sleep on
it</strong>-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After we have gathered sensory
information, we can give ourselves some time to ‘digest’ the information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our brain does most of its processing while
we are sleeping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep a notepad by the
side of your bed and jot down any dream content that you remember upon waking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A dream may reveal, through images and
symbols, your feelings/expectations, connected to a particular decision. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Imagine</strong>- Find
some quiet time to sit and think about your options. In your mind’s eye, see
your future self acting out each option.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Pay close attention to the signs in your imagined scene that reveal
emotion like facial expression and body posture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Know your
body</strong>- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you imagine your future self,
shift the focus to your body in the here and now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Begin with the head, neck, jaw, shoulders,
and continue to work your way down noticing any areas of tightness or tension,
but also any positive sensations. Try to connect any physical sensation with a
specific scenario that you see in your mind’s eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Emotions exist within our physical bodies,
therefore, the body can help us to know what feels right or wrong for us as
individuals.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";">May we all
be open to both our inner and outer selves in order to make healthy, balanced
decisions in our lives.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">In the next
chapter, we will explore how<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> intuitives</i>
can utilize the five</span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">senses to make more balanced decisions.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-18869620820341066142016-02-27T09:32:00.001-05:002016-03-13T12:08:31.198-04:00Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 1<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Decisions are based on information we gather from the
environment, other people, past experiences, personal beliefs, gut reactions,
and so on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of information we
take in depends upon our personality.<span style="font-size: large;"> Our personality influences what we
naturally notice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we focus more on our
internal world or the outer world?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">There are some personalities that are naturally better
equipped to connect with the internal world, using a sixth sense, and those
that are naturally better at relying on the outer world using the five senses. According
to the Meyers- Briggs personality inventory, based on the work of psychologist
C. G. Jung, this ability runs on a continuum:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Sensing ------------------------------Intuition<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">There is no right or wrong way to be on the spectrum, it
just means that we may lean toward one end or the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is referred to as our ‘preference’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Individuals who are<span style="font-size: large;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">intuitive</i>s</span> rely more on their personal energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Individuals who are<span style="font-size: large;"> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sensors</i></span> rely more on the 5 senses to give them information about
their surroundings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does that look
like in real life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here is an example:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">An individual attends his/her first meeting with a mental
health professional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sensor</i> is asked about his/her impression
of this professional, the individual answers:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Well, he/she was dressed professionally, the office was clean/neat, the
couch was comfortable, and she spoke in a very calming voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to schedule another appointment.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sensor is very concrete about the next
step which is to schedule an appointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">intuitive</i> is asked
the same, he/she answers:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, I felt
very relaxed after I started to share my story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I got a good feeling about her ability to help me and I left with a
sense of connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am going to
continue working on my issues with this person.” The intuitive is a bit more
vague about the next step which is to ‘work’ on ‘issues’. As you can see, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sensor </i>makes a decision based on what
he/she can see, hear, touch (3 of the 5 senses).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">intuitive</i>
makes a decision based on the energy he/she experiences in the room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In order to determine where we are on the spectrum, we can
do the following:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Be aware of our everyday language</strong> – notice words like feel,
sense, gut, vibe, etc. and words like taste, touch, smell, hear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Consider a recent decision</strong>- ask what our decision was based
upon. Did we focus more on our sixth sense and our internal world? Did we focus
more on what we could see, touch, hear, smell, taste in the outer world? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Check out the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator</strong> (MBTI)- </span><a href="http://www.meyersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "calibri";">www.meyersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics</span></a><span style="font-family: "calibri";">.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In the next chapter we will explore how <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sensors</i> can develop intuition and make more balanced decisions in
life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-72779136537469864612016-02-10T16:00:00.001-05:002019-09-11T20:16:17.328-04:00Being More Responsive and Less Reactive <span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em><span style="font-size: large;">“Don’t just do something, sit there.”<o:p></o:p></span></em></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1.25in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
<span style="font-size: small;"> --</span> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Slogan
from Al-Anon Family Groups **<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">**Al-Anon Family Groups is a worldwide organization
committed to the support of friends and family members of individuals who abuse
alcohol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a free membership that
welcomes all individuals, regardless of race, culture, gender, or denomination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>www.al-anon.org<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Whistling winds, snow-covered window screens, weather
updates, and the knowledge that our regular routine will be interrupted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some of us, winter weather conditions may
cause anxiety about power outages, safety of family members, or getting to
work. For others, there may be the frustration and disappointment of cancelled
plans. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still, for others, the winter
months may offer an opportunity to stop and just take notice of what is happening
around them, to feel humbled by the forces of nature, and to take special care of
themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">It can be enlightening to think about how winter weather
conditions change the normal routine. Do we resist the change or work with ‘what is’?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like the
weather, life in general can be unpredictable and, at times, messy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we do not accept
that something is out of our control, we tend to react rather than actively respond. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Reacting can cause us to</span><em>:<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Feel a sense of urgency/anxiety.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Act without thought.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">See few options.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Focus on fixing what is ‘wrong’.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Experience tension/tightness in our body.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">When we feel out
of our control, we try to gain that control back by immediately doing something. Taking time to think,
reflect, notice where our feelings are taking hold in our body, and release them in a healthy way, empowers and enables us to respond in an active (not REactive) way.<em>
When we actively respond we tend to :<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Feel a sense of calm alertness.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Act with true clarity.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Focus on the opportunity to learn/grow.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">See a variety of options.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Experience a lightness in our body, especially in the neck and shoulder areas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">A popular phrase used in
schools to promote safety when crossing a street. is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“STOP, LOOK, LISTEN”, which the
Al-Anon Family Groups applies to making decisions and acting on them. In order to reinforce this phrase, we can write
it down and post it in a strategic place, such as the car, the bathroom
mirror, or the refrigerator. These words can also be used as our cell phone or computer wallpaper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>May we all find the willingness to embrace opportunities
which require us to ‘Stop, Look, Listen’ before taking action.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-22404694064492229152015-11-02T17:44:00.001-05:002022-05-27T11:11:23.491-04:00Unhealthy Boundaries- The Barbed-Wire Fence<span style="font-family: "calibri";"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>“When people show you who they are, believe them.”<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 2in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> -</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "calibri";">Maya Angelou<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";">When we communicate a healthy boundary we are
straightforward without being insulting, belittling, or abusive in any
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes, other people are unhappy
with the boundaries we set and we allow them the right to feel that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may decide it is appropriate to tweak the
boundary a bit or to stay firm and detach in a healthy way from the responses/reactions.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When boundaries actually do emotional
harm to others, they are like barbed-wire fences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This type of boundary, due to the
barbed-wire, is not flexible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once a
boundary is set, it is immovable and unchangeable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">As long as we do not challenge the boundaries or share our
own thoughts/feelings in relation to them, all is well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other person may listen to what we have
to say, however, the barbed wire remains in place. <span style="font-size: large;">If a person continues to
feel threatened when we try to climb
over them, he/she will lash out and cause emotional harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may experience an attack on our character,
hurtful name-calling, cursing/swearing, even threats.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal is to ensure we do not ever again
attempt to challenge the boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">If, for some reason, we do not notice the barbed-wire
wrapped around the top edge of the fence and actually challenge a boundary, it
is important to take in and accept the fact that this person’s fear/anxiety
about being vulnerable and losing control in relationships will do us
harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may then need to walk away and
wish that person well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this is not
possible due to the circumstances, then we<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>can become more conscious of maintaining emotional distance from
him/her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">We do not need to convince the
other person they are wrong or hurtful, retaliate, or try to get him/her to remove
some of the barbed wire.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">If we are the ones who utilize this type of boundary, we may
want explore our fear/anxiety in relationships with a caring, non-judgment,
and informed professional.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>May we all find the courage to confront our fears in
relationships, take steps to create healthier boundaries, and find joy and
fulfillment in our connections with others.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: "calibri";"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-36028193004696698552015-10-29T09:18:00.000-04:002015-10-29T09:18:24.223-04:00Unhealthy Boundaries- The Picket Fence
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Healthy
boundaries create balanced, mutually satisfying connections with other people.
They are clear and consistent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When boundaries
change constantly and are not always what they seem to be, they resemble picket
fences. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">This type of boundary is
decorative. It looks like a nice, firm boundary, but is actually easy to climb
over and reach through. </span>Those of us who utilize this boundary style actually
know what boundaries work for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
just do not have the materials/tools to build them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The consistent spaces between each picket leave too much
wiggle-room for violations to occur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
side of the communication in relationships sounds like this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">“I guess that’s okay.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“If you really want to.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I am
not sure, but it seems like that might work.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Once another person figures out how to ‘squeeze through’
these responses, the relationship becomes centered upon his/her
needs/wants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">Essentially, the other
person ends up in the driver’s seat, climbing over the fence whenever it meets
his/her needs.</span> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a result, we may hold
a negative belief about our ineffectiveness in getting needs met in
relationships, which eats away at our overall sense of competency.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When we utilize this type of boundary we often feel confused
because as far as we are concerned, the fence is there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other people are just not taking it
seriously. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is important to consider
how much WE value our boundaries and, if we do, then how is it conveyed to other
people? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be helpful to consider
how we might fill in the spaces of the fence with clearer and firmer responses,
like, ‘that absolutely does not work for me’ or a direct ‘yes’ or ‘no’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We can ask ourselves- what is my worst fear of
what will happen if I set a clear boundary?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If we are able to identify potential outcomes that are uncomfortable,
then we can prepare appropriate responses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Essentially, this empowers us to advocate for our own needs in
relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<em><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the next chapter, we will explore another unhealthy
boundary, the barbed-wire fence, which hurts </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">both ourselves and
others.<o:p></o:p></span></em></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-61935289044370223932015-10-22T14:22:00.000-04:002015-10-24T18:55:09.378-04:00Unhealthy Boundaries- The Cement Wall<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<em>
</em><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>What I was walling in or walling out,<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<em>
</em><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>And to whom I was like to give offence.”<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 2in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> -</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Excerpt From ‘Mending Wall’ by Robert Frost</span></div>
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<span style="color: #505050; display: none; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hide: all;"></span> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span>Boundaries are essential to the health of our relationships.
When they are identifiable, clearly communicated, and flexible,
boundaries can lay the foundation for an emotionally safe, caring, and mutually
fulfilling bond between two people. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries
impact our relationships in ways that can create resentment, codependency, and other
unhealthy patterns of behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><em></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em> Here is
one example of an unhealthy boundary:</em> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>The Cement Wall-</strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
often hear about the difficulties that a lack of boundaries can create, however,
having too many boundaries can cause problems as well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boundaries that are rigid, impervious, and
unwelcoming are like cement walls. Often, we see them from miles away and the
message is clear- ‘stay away’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Essentially,
it is their job to protect that person from feeling emotional pain resulting
from rejection, disappointment, or abuse. <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cement walls are very effective, but at a
cost. They are so impenetrable that they end up keeping <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everyone</i> out, even potential friends, partners, lovers, etc.</span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This type of boundary does not allow information in or out,
therefore, we end up missing important clues about other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These include the outward or observable signs
that let us know if someone is a possible threat or not as well as the subtle
signs that tap into our intuition or ‘gut’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The ability to know who we can and cannot trust develops through our
interactions/experiences with others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;">The cement wall prevents those interactions from taking place and
significantly diminishes our ability to ‘read’ people. We are then left more
vulnerable to exactly those hurts and disappointments we are trying to avoid.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe we are in a relationship that has become ‘stuck’ and unable
to move toward deeper emotional connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We can begin to be honest about our fears/anxieties to ourselves and/or
someone we do trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some, it is
necessary to speak to a professional counselor or spiritual advisor in order to
work on fear that is rooted in past, painful relationship experiences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>In the next chapter, we will explore the picket fence,
another type of unhealthy boundary which prevents us from getting our needs
met.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-56152703966261572182015-08-18T08:56:00.004-04:002020-09-11T12:16:41.594-04:00An Exercise in Being Young at Heart
<span lang="EN" style="color: #222222; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><em>“And
if you should survive to a hundred and five<br />
Look at all you'll derive out of bein' alive<br />
And here is the best part, you have a head start<br />
If you are among the very young at heart.”<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span face=""Arial","sans-serif"" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Song Lyrics by Frank Sinatra & Charles
Aznavour<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As
the end of August draws near, some of us may be feeling like a balloon deflating,
wondering, “how did the summer go by so fast?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This often contrasts significantly with our childhood experience of
summer when the days seemed longer, the weeks extended far into the future, and
the last day of summer wasn’t even a blip on our radar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Become
more in-tune with the natural child part of yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That little person is still alive inside all
of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of us are better able to
access him/her than others, but this part does exist, whether it is hidden at the core of you,
partially visible, or present on a daily basis<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Let
your mind float back to an earlier time, see yourself in your mind’s eye at a
particular age- go back gradually-see yourself at age 12, 10, 8, 6, etc. as far
back as you can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take a look at some
photos of your younger self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you
float back, remember the things that were special to you- a toy, article of
clothing, artistic creation, book, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Consider why it was special and how you took care of it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><em>Apply the same care and positive energy to all
of your adult needs - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual - by doing
the following:<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Be attentive/ Focus your energy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Be gentle and use care <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Protect from harm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Mend what needs fixing <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Replace lost parts with something new & different<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: 432.75pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Share with those you trust<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Allow for some ‘wear & tear’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><strong>One
of the most important elements to be conscious of is our natural child’s
ability to be fully present- letting go of distractions, past regrets, and
future worries.</strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you are able to
hold an image of that little person, at whatever age, in your mind’s eye, it
may help to engage in a breathing exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>The following steps describe, what is called in yoga, the three-part
breath:</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">This deep breathing technique can be done either sitting or
lying flat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Close your eyes and place one palm on the area just below your belly button, and one the palm of the other hand on the center of your chest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Breathe in through your nose with your mouth closed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">As you breathe in, extend your stomach, feeling
the expansion with your palm. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Pause for half a second, then take another breath through
your nose, feeling your your rib cage and diaphragm expand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Pause your breath and inhale again, this time from your upper chest. You may feel some movement in your shoulders.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: major-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font: 7pt "times new roman";"> </span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Exhale as if you are blowing through a straw, nice and slow, and be aware of
the sound of your breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><em>May
we all find the time and motivation to honor that little child inside of us and
experience feelings of calm, creativity, and passion for living.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1626424121862862753.post-63052514758183907622015-04-17T18:23:00.000-04:002016-02-26T15:39:14.980-05:00Boundaries with Difficult People<span style="font-family: "calibri";">We have probably all had our fair share of dealings with
over-bearing, critical, and self-absorbed individuals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> W</span>e may try our hardest
to understand and empathize with them, but often fail, not because we are flawed in
any way, but because it is difficult to see the ‘good parts’ hidden beneath
their difficult exteriors. <em>We know we have crossed the path of a difficult
person when we experience the following:<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">A sense of being invisible in a conversation/situation<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">An immediate need for space/privacy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">A sense of being attacked<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">The need to yell in order to be heard<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Shock/confusion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In order to interact with these individuals in a way that
maintains our own emotional balance, self-respect, and sense of control, we need
to know that it is <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">All About Boundaries. </span><span style="font-size: large;">The question is: How much of the other person are we willing to allow into our physical, emotional, and spiritual space.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only we, ourselves, can know our level of
tolerance.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><em>When setting boundaries it helps to consider the following:<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Enlist help</strong>- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the
difficult person is someone we share a long history with, fails to tone down
his/her behavior, even in the presence of others, or happens to push that
especially sensitive button for us, we may need to ask for the help of someone
we trust and who agrees to lend support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For example, we might enlist help by meeting/speaking with the person
prior to the upcoming interaction and create a ‘plan’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cell phone can be a helpful tool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can text the person, while in the
situation, with an agreed-upon code word/phrase like, ‘Help’, ‘Need you’, or
‘Red Alert’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the cue for our
support person to intervene as agreed upon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Be super-clear and direct</strong>- While the commonly suggested
phrase, “I am not comfortable with….” sounds clear, direct, and very adult, this
may not register with a difficult person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>More often than not, a resounding ‘no’ is all that will do. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How we say something is just as important as
what we say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-size: large;">We may want to ‘try on’
various ways of delivering our ‘no’. It can help to practice with others before
interacting with our difficult person</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
that word just feels too aggressive for us, we can try:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘I am unable to do that, help with that,
participate, etc.’; ‘That absolutely does not work for me.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";"><strong>Answer with a question</strong>-<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We do not have to be put on the defensive and explain ourselves when
dealing with a difficult person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
important to throw the ball back into the other person’s court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can answer a question with a question
like:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Why do you ask?’; ‘What makes you
ask that?’;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Are you uncomfortable with
that?’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Difficult people can cause us to
feel drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is necessary to truly take care of
ourselves prior to an encounter, if possible, and certainly after the encounter
if we feel out of sorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We need to be
gentle with ourselves, try not to judge our efforts, and remind ourselves that
regardless of the outcome, an interaction is just an opportunity to know
ourselves better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<em></em><br />
<em>May we practice healthy boundary-setting in relationships with those we find most challenging.</em><div class="blogger-post-footer">visit my website at www.castellilcsw.com</div>Pamela Castelli, LCSWhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05961260499362892814noreply@blogger.com0