Unhealthy Boundaries- The Picket Fence

Healthy boundaries create balanced, mutually satisfying connections with other people. They are clear and consistent.  When boundaries change constantly and are not always what they seem to be, they resemble picket fences.  This type of boundary is decorative. It looks like a nice, firm boundary, but is actually easy to climb over and reach through. Those of us who utilize this boundary style actually know what boundaries work for us.  We just do not have the materials/tools to build them.  

The consistent spaces between each picket leave too much wiggle-room for violations to occur.  One side of the communication in relationships sounds like this:

“I guess that’s okay.”  “If you really want to.”  “I am not sure, but it seems like that might work.” 

Once another person figures out how to ‘squeeze through’ these responses, the relationship becomes centered upon his/her needs/wants.  Essentially, the other person ends up in the driver’s seat, climbing over the fence whenever it meets his/her needs.  As a result, we may hold a negative belief about our ineffectiveness in getting needs met in relationships, which eats away at our overall sense of competency.

When we utilize this type of boundary we often feel confused because as far as we are concerned, the fence is there.  Other people are just not taking it seriously.  It is important to consider how much WE value our boundaries and, if we do, then how is it conveyed to other people?  It can be helpful to consider how we might fill in the spaces of the fence with clearer and firmer responses, like, ‘that absolutely does not work for me’ or a direct ‘yes’ or ‘no’. 

We can ask ourselves- what is my worst fear of what will happen if I set a clear boundary?  If we are able to identify potential outcomes that are uncomfortable, then we can prepare appropriate responses.  Essentially, this empowers us to advocate for our own needs in relationships.

In the next chapter, we will explore another unhealthy boundary, the barbed-wire fence, which hurts both ourselves and others.

 

Unhealthy Boundaries- The Cement Wall

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.”

    -                  Excerpt From ‘Mending Wall’ by Robert Frost

 

   Boundaries are essential to the health of our relationships. When they are identifiable, clearly communicated, and flexible, boundaries can lay the foundation for an emotionally safe, caring, and mutually fulfilling bond between two people. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries impact our relationships in ways that can create resentment, codependency, and other unhealthy patterns of behavior. 

  Here is one example of an unhealthy boundary:  

The Cement Wall-  We often hear about the difficulties that a lack of boundaries can create, however, having too many boundaries can cause problems as well.  Boundaries that are rigid, impervious, and unwelcoming are like cement walls. Often, we see them from miles away and the message is clear- ‘stay away’.  Essentially, it is their job to protect that person from feeling emotional pain resulting from rejection, disappointment, or abuse.  Cement walls are very effective, but at a cost. They are so impenetrable that they end up keeping everyone out, even potential friends, partners, lovers, etc.

This type of boundary does not allow information in or out, therefore, we end up missing important clues about other people.  These include the outward or observable signs that let us know if someone is a possible threat or not as well as the subtle signs that tap into our intuition or ‘gut’.  The ability to know who we can and cannot trust develops through our interactions/experiences with others.  The cement wall prevents those interactions from taking place and significantly diminishes our ability to ‘read’ people. We are then left more vulnerable to exactly those hurts and disappointments we are trying to avoid.

Maybe we are in a relationship that has become ‘stuck’ and unable to move toward deeper emotional connection.  We can begin to be honest about our fears/anxieties to ourselves and/or someone we do trust.  For some, it is necessary to speak to a professional counselor or spiritual advisor in order to work on fear that is rooted in past, painful relationship experiences.

In the next chapter, we will explore the picket fence, another type of unhealthy boundary which prevents us from getting our needs met.