Unhealthy Boundaries- The Cement Wall

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.”

    -                  Excerpt From ‘Mending Wall’ by Robert Frost

 

   Boundaries are essential to the health of our relationships. When they are identifiable, clearly communicated, and flexible, boundaries can lay the foundation for an emotionally safe, caring, and mutually fulfilling bond between two people. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries impact our relationships in ways that can create resentment, codependency, and other unhealthy patterns of behavior. 

  Here is one example of an unhealthy boundary:  

The Cement Wall-  We often hear about the difficulties that a lack of boundaries can create, however, having too many boundaries can cause problems as well.  Boundaries that are rigid, impervious, and unwelcoming are like cement walls. Often, we see them from miles away and the message is clear- ‘stay away’.  Essentially, it is their job to protect that person from feeling emotional pain resulting from rejection, disappointment, or abuse.  Cement walls are very effective, but at a cost. They are so impenetrable that they end up keeping everyone out, even potential friends, partners, lovers, etc.

This type of boundary does not allow information in or out, therefore, we end up missing important clues about other people.  These include the outward or observable signs that let us know if someone is a possible threat or not as well as the subtle signs that tap into our intuition or ‘gut’.  The ability to know who we can and cannot trust develops through our interactions/experiences with others.  The cement wall prevents those interactions from taking place and significantly diminishes our ability to ‘read’ people. We are then left more vulnerable to exactly those hurts and disappointments we are trying to avoid.

Maybe we are in a relationship that has become ‘stuck’ and unable to move toward deeper emotional connection.  We can begin to be honest about our fears/anxieties to ourselves and/or someone we do trust.  For some, it is necessary to speak to a professional counselor or spiritual advisor in order to work on fear that is rooted in past, painful relationship experiences.

In the next chapter, we will explore the picket fence, another type of unhealthy boundary which prevents us from getting our needs met.