The Season is Upon Us- Part 3-Expressions of Care

The world around us is filled with all kinds of expression.  Trees and flowers bend toward the sun’s rays, bees hover over an exceptionally sweet flower, blades of grass turn brown when they are thirsty.  Human beings are part of nature and they have different ways of expressing themselves as well.  During the winter holidays it can be helpful not to judge other forms of expression but to try and understand the message behind them.

Look Behind the Action-  Some families are able to verbalize their care and concern and to actually say, “I love you” or “I love sharing the holiday with you”.   Other families express themselves in different ways.  It can be helpful to look for the sentiment behind the actions  of others.  In some families, cooking and sharing food, ironing a shirt, or picking up some key ingredient at the store is a way to express care.  It may be easier for these individuals to offer something concrete and tangible.  

Value the Obvious-  We may overlook the care, time, and effort invested in things that we have stopped noticing because they have always been there.  Consider the care behind a holiday display, decorations, or a table setting.  

Take Things at Face Value- Some relationships may not offer the closeness we desire throughout the year.  During the holiday season, a person may feel that they have ‘permission’ to express themselves more openly, that it is somehow less of a risk at this time.  Rather than dismiss these once-a-year expressions of love and concern, we can take them for what they are in the moment and let go of our resentment.

Be the Difference- We may long for others to set aside their resentments, bitterness, or sadness, during the holidays, however, it is most helpful to keep the focus on ourselves.  We can be the example of holiday spirit acting with compassion, openness, forgiveness, and optimism.  The energy we bring to a situation does affect others in either a negative or positive way.

May we all strive to discover our own forms of expression and to share them in our relationships. Have a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season….

Nurturing the Self- Part 3

The Nurturer part of the Self encourages us to rest and slow down, to create space when we feel overwhelmed, to connect when we need support/guidance, and to nourish our bodies.  These elements are essential to well-being, however, there is a function of the Nurturer part that may be less familiar to us.  This is the ability to emotionally self-soothe.  In order to self-soothe we need to have knowledge of what gives us a sense of safety and comfort.  In a healthy, functioning household a child learns this from a primary caretaker who is able to hold us when frightened, kiss our boo-boos, and rub away a stomach ache.  As our sense of self develops we internalize these soothing actions and ‘carry’ this internal caretaker with us as we go through life.  We are then able to access the Nurturer part as an adult and rely upon our own ability to self-soothe.  For those of us who grew up in a less functional family system, we may not have experienced this type of soothing on a consistent basis or at all, and are, therefore,  unable to access this internal Nurturer for soothing.  

This can be especially problematic growing up with family addiction.  The kind of self-soothing shown to us involved using an external object/activity like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, etc. to escape our pain.  Despite this, we can learn and become skilled at self-soothing in a healthy way. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position with feet flat on the ground and back straight which opens up the diaphragm. 

Begin by closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths.  Deep-breathing utilizes the diaphragm and is not like our regular breathing. 

Breathe in through the nose with mouth closed. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils.

As you breathe in, expand your diaphragm located right in the center under your chest area.  Rest your hand there to help you to be more aware. 

After you inhale, hold the breath for about 3-4 counts, then exhale through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  Allow the air to flow naturally.  Do not force it.  Allow your shoulders to sink down with each breath out.

Continue to take 5 or 6 deep breaths or until your breathing is slow and even and your body feels relaxed. 

Now place both hands in front of you, palms facing toward you.

Cross hands one in front of the other and link the thumbs together.  It should look like a butterfly, hence the name of this technique, ‘butterfly hug’.

Now rest your ‘butterfly’ against your chest, right under your collar bones, and gently, VERY SLOWLY pat with your hands from left to right.

Continue to pat left and right while you visualize a calm, relaxing scene in your mind.  See yourself alone there sitting, standing, or laying down.  Notice in your imagination what you can see around you- include colors, light/shadow, objects, and natural elements like grass, plants, clouds, mountains, etc. 

Next, notice what you can feel on your skin and if your body feels light, heavy, or like it is floating.  Go on to notice what you can smell-  i.e. the air, the ocean, perfume, flowers, etc., then what you can taste and hear in the scene.  Remember to just notice without any judgment or thought about what it might mean.  Be sure to continuously pat left and right VERY SLOWLY throughout this exercise.

** If you have trouble connecting to a particular sense, just let it go and move on to one of the other five senses.

It is important to remember that relaxation and exercises like the one above take time and practice.  Each time we practice is an opportunity to increase self-awareness and begin building our self-soothing ‘muscle’.  Building any kind of muscle feels uncomfortable at first, but it gradually becomes easier over time. 

We need to remember to enjoy the process and be gentle with ourselves.

May we all find the inspiration and willingness to embrace what is new and unfamiliar in order to strengthen our true sense of self.

Nurturing the Self- Part 2

Growing up in a family with addiction can cause us to feel that we are never good enough.  A person struggling with addiction is fundamentally unhappy with him/herself.  There is, essentially, nothing anyone can do and nothing outside that person that will give him/her a sense of peace, wholeness, and self-acceptance. We can try to do this out of genuine love and concern, but  our efforts will often fail and leave us feeling inadequate.  Over time, we may blame ourselves for failing and  end up punishing ourselves by being overly self-critical. In this circumstance, it is essential to develop and connect with the Nurturer part of our Self in order to tone down self-criticism and to stop emotionally ‘beating' ourselves up with very harsh, negative self-talk.  We can notice when this happens and then ask, if someone we care about made the same mistake, decision, or caused the same issue, how would we speak to him/her? 

It is important to understand that in order to keep the family system ‘running’, members often become super accommodating to the person struggling with addiction and avoid upsetting them so as not to be subjected to  anger, criticism, and rejection.  We may even create two separate systems of ‘rules’ – one for the addicted person and one for us.  It may be impossible to even conceive being negative and harsh with him/her, but emotionally beat ourselves up with ease. 

We can increase our awareness of self-criticism and begin to take steps to treat ourselves with the care and respect we give to others.

In part three of this post, we will explore a specific exercise that nurtures the Self in a healthy way.

 

Nurturing the Self- Part 1

Addiction often interferes in a person’s self-care and, as the addiction progresses, prevents a person from meeting even his/her most basic needs. When growing up in a family  where a member struggles with addiction, it becomes necessary for others to devote much time, energy, and emotion toward taking care of that person.  All members naturally adjust in order to keep the system running, however that may require each person setting aside his/her own needs. 

The ‘part’ of the Self that takes care of others can be termed the Nurturer.  This part helps us to meet the physical and emotional needs of other people, however, its purpose is also to help us take care of the Self.  In order to live a balanced life, we need ask ourselves, "Is the Nurturer part allowing us to meet our own needs in a sufficient way. 

Some signs that indicate we may not be sufficiently caring for ourselves are:

• Feeling emotionally/physically drained

• Experiencing chronic muscle tension

• Having difficulty falling asleep or sleeping through the night without feeling rested

• Having scattered thoughts or feeling ‘all over the place’

• Feeling lonely or bored even while in the company of others

• Fantasizing/Daydreaming about starting a new life somewhere else

We can begin to become more connected to the  Nurturer part by observing how we take care of others, such as providing emotional support by being non-judgmental and compassionate, cooking a meal, returning a phone call, picking up something at the store for someone else.  Once we are able to recognize all of the ways in which we nurture others we can then transfer that energy toward the Self. 

In part two of this post, we will explore how self-criticism plays a role in our lives and how the nurturer can counteract that.

Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 3

“No idea is conceived in our mind independent of our five senses.”

                        -    Albert Einstein

In the last chapter we looked at some suggestions to help sensors utilize their intuition.  Now let’s look at how intuitives can deepen their awareness of the five senses and utilize the information to make a decision that is best for them.

Here are some suggestions:           

Be in nature- The natural world is filled with opportunities to stimulate our senses.  Go for a walk in the park or on the beach, sit in the grass or on the sand, close your eyes, and identify what you can smell, hear, see, touch, and taste.  Be extra aware of your breath and notice how fast or slow you are breathing. Are you breathing from your upper chest or down from your diaphragm?

Embrace the ‘new’- It is easy for our five senses to become dull when we stick to what is familiar.  Visit some place you’ve never been to before, engage in a new activity/interest, cook/taste new foods while paying attention to the senses.  When we heighten our senses we will be better able to identify them.

Connect with an animal- All kinds of creatures can help to heighten our senses.  If you have access to an animal, use your five senses to deepen your connection with him/her.  Notice how it feels to hold/touch it, and how it smells. What sounds does the animal make while engaging in various activities like, eating, drinking, relaxing, playing, etc. 

Developing awareness takes time and practice.  It requires being fully present in the here and now and staying connected to our physical body. This is the true essence of mindfulness.

May we all experience balance in our lives as we deepen both our intuitive and sensing abilities.

Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 2

" I have a bad feeling about this.”

                                                                -Han Solo in the movie “Star Wars”

In the last chapter we defined two personality traits-  intuition and sensing.  Personality traits run on a continuum, however, we most likely have a ‘preference’, relying more on one or the other to gather information.  The more information we gather prior to making a decision will increase our chances of making the best one for us.  How can we be more balanced in our decision-making efforts, utilizing both intuition and sensing?

If our personality ‘preference’ is to rely on the information our five senses take in, we might try to develop some intuitive ability.  Here are some suggestions:

Sleep on it-  After we have gathered sensory information, we can give ourselves some time to ‘digest’ the information.  Our brain does most of its processing while we are sleeping.  Keep a notepad by the side of your bed and jot down any dream content that you remember upon waking.  A dream may reveal, through images and symbols, your feelings/expectations, connected to a particular decision.

Imagine- Find some quiet time to sit and think about your options. In your mind’s eye, see your future self acting out each option.  Pay close attention to the signs in your imagined scene that reveal emotion like facial expression and body posture. 

Know your body-  As you imagine your future self, shift the focus to your body in the here and now.  Begin with the head, neck, jaw, shoulders, and continue to work your way down noticing any areas of tightness or tension, but also any positive sensations. Try to connect any physical sensation with a specific scenario that you see in your mind’s eye.  Emotions exist within our physical bodies, therefore, the body can help us to know what feels right or wrong for us as individuals.

May we all be open to both our inner and outer selves in order to make healthy, balanced decisions in our lives.

In the next chapter, we will explore how intuitives can utilize the five

senses to make more balanced decisions.

 

Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 1

Decisions are based on information we gather from the environment, other people, past experiences, personal beliefs, gut reactions, and so on.  What kind of information we take in depends upon our personality. Our personality influences what we naturally notice.  Do we focus more on our internal world or the outer world?

There are some personalities that are naturally better equipped to connect with the internal world, using a sixth sense, and those that are naturally better at relying on the outer world using the five senses. According to the Meyers- Briggs personality inventory, based on the work of psychologist C. G. Jung, this ability runs on a continuum:

Sensing ------------------------------Intuition

There is no right or wrong way to be on the spectrum, it just means that we may lean toward one end or the other.  This is referred to as our ‘preference’.  Individuals who are intuitives rely more on their personal energy.  Individuals who are sensors rely more on the 5 senses to give them information about their surroundings.  What does that look like in real life?  Here is an example:

An individual attends his/her first meeting with a mental health professional.  When the sensor is asked about his/her impression of this professional, the individual answers:  “Well, he/she was dressed professionally, the office was clean/neat, the couch was comfortable, and she spoke in a very calming voice.  I am going to schedule another appointment.”  The sensor is very concrete about the next step which is to schedule an appointment.  When the intuitive is asked the same, he/she answers:  “Well, I felt very relaxed after I started to share my story.  I got a good feeling about her ability to help me and I left with a sense of connection.  I am going to continue working on my issues with this person.” The intuitive is a bit more vague about the next step which is to ‘work’ on ‘issues’. As you can see, the sensor makes a decision based on what he/she can see, hear, touch (3 of the 5 senses).  The intuitive makes a decision based on the energy he/she experiences in the room.

In order to determine where we are on the spectrum, we can do the following:

Be aware of our everyday language – notice words like feel, sense, gut, vibe, etc. and words like taste, touch, smell, hear.

Consider a recent decision- ask what our decision was based upon. Did we focus more on our sixth sense and our internal world? Did we focus more on what we could see, touch, hear, smell, taste in the outer world?

Check out the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)- www.meyersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics.

In the next chapter we will explore how sensors can develop intuition and make more balanced decisions in life.

Being More Responsive and Less Reactive

“Don’t just do something, sit there.”

                                           --    Slogan from Al-Anon Family Groups **

**Al-Anon Family Groups is a worldwide organization committed to the support of friends and family members of individuals who abuse alcohol.  This is a free membership that welcomes all individuals, regardless of race, culture, gender, or denomination.   www.al-anon.org

Whistling winds, snow-covered window screens, weather updates, and the knowledge that our regular routine will be interrupted.  For some of us, winter weather conditions may cause anxiety about power outages, safety of family members, or getting to work. For others, there may be the frustration and disappointment of cancelled plans.  Still, for others, the winter months may offer an opportunity to stop and just take notice of what is happening around them, to feel humbled by the forces of nature, and to take special care of themselves.

It can be enlightening to think about how winter weather conditions change the normal routine. Do we resist the change or work with ‘what is’?  Like the weather, life in general can be unpredictable and, at times, messy. When we do not accept that something is out of our control, we tend to react rather than actively respond.  Reacting can cause us to:

• Feel a sense of urgency/anxiety.

• Act without thought.

• See few options.

• Focus on fixing what is ‘wrong’.

• Experience tension/tightness in our body.

When we feel out of our control, we try to gain that control back by immediately doing something.  Taking time to think, reflect, notice where our feelings are taking hold in our body, and release them in a healthy way, empowers and enables us to respond in an active (not REactive) way. When we actively respond we tend to :

• Feel a sense of calm alertness.

• Act with true clarity.

• Focus on the opportunity to learn/grow.

• See a variety of options.

• Experience a lightness in our body, especially in the neck and shoulder areas.

A popular phrase used in schools to promote safety when crossing a street. is “STOP, LOOK, LISTEN”, which the Al-Anon Family Groups applies to making decisions and acting on them. In order to reinforce this phrase, we can write it down and post it in a strategic place, such as the car, the bathroom mirror, or the refrigerator. These words can also be used as our cell phone or computer wallpaper.

May we all find the willingness to embrace opportunities which require us to ‘Stop, Look, Listen’ before taking action.