Nurturing the Self- Part 2

Growing up in a family with addiction can cause us to feel that we are never good enough.  A person struggling with addiction is fundamentally unhappy with him/herself.  There is, essentially, nothing anyone can do and nothing outside that person that will give him/her a sense of peace, wholeness, and self-acceptance. We can try to do this out of genuine love and concern, but  our efforts will often fail and leave us feeling inadequate.  Over time, we may blame ourselves for failing and  end up punishing ourselves by being overly self-critical. In this circumstance, it is essential to develop and connect with the Nurturer part of our Self in order to tone down self-criticism and to stop emotionally ‘beating' ourselves up with very harsh, negative self-talk.  We can notice when this happens and then ask, if someone we care about made the same mistake, decision, or caused the same issue, how would we speak to him/her? 

It is important to understand that in order to keep the family system ‘running’, members often become super accommodating to the person struggling with addiction and avoid upsetting them so as not to be subjected to  anger, criticism, and rejection.  We may even create two separate systems of ‘rules’ – one for the addicted person and one for us.  It may be impossible to even conceive being negative and harsh with him/her, but emotionally beat ourselves up with ease. 

We can increase our awareness of self-criticism and begin to take steps to treat ourselves with the care and respect we give to others.

In part three of this post, we will explore a specific exercise that nurtures the Self in a healthy way.