The Season is Upon Us- Part 2- Others' Expectations of Us

Now that we have explored the expectations we hold toward other people, it may be helpful to look at others’ expectations for us. For many of us, it is necessary to set aside others’ expectations and honor what makes us feel positive about ourselves.  We can choose to engage in activities that create feelings of peace and well-being.

The following ideas can be helpful:

Create Options- It may be necessary to let go of the ‘all or nothing’ mindset and look at our options.  We can spend some time at a family gathering and then designate time to fulfill our own needs/wants.  We  do not have to cancel plans entirely, just leave some time free to engage in less stressful activities.  If we are obligated to entertain guests at our own home, we need to explore what would make us feel less frustrated and more able to enjoy the moment.  We could cook and hire a server, we could have food catered, or serve a buffet of appetizers rather than have a sit-down meal.  It is important to keep this in mind- if an activity creates more anxiety, self-criticism, or anger than we can tolerate, we have the right to say ‘no’.

Take a Time-out- For some of us, certain people ‘push our buttons’ and do not always bring out the best in us. These are individuals we need to interact with in small doses.  We can do this by taking small breaks throughout the gathering- visit the restroom, take a short walk outside, find a quiet spot inside or out and refocus.  We can take some deep breaths or repeat a positive affirmation to ourselves.  If we might not remember it, we can write it down and keep it in our pocket or purse.  It can be one or two words or one or two sentences.  It should help us reconnect with what is positive about us and be in the affirmative.  Here are some examples:

“I will let go of others’ expectations”

“I have worth regardless of what I accomplish in the day”

“I can take it one day at a time or one minute at a time”

“I do know what is best for me”

“I will keep the focus on myself”

May we all be open to the possibilities of the season, do what creates a sense of well-being, and share that with others.  

The Season is Upon Us- Part 1- Expectations of Others

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."
                                                                                
                                                                                               -Wayne Dyer

For some of us, Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of a spirited and joyous time of connection and closeness with others.  It can also mark the beginning of a season of stress, frustration, and at times, sadness.  Some of these latter emotions can be lessened if we are able to identify and challenge our expectations of other people.

I once attended a workshop on coping with grief.  The presenter had years of experience working in a hospice agency helping people deal with end-of-life issues.  She described a funeral where arguments filled with accusations, name-calling, etc.  took place among family members.  Those of us in the workshop reacted with disgust and disbelief, however, the presenter had not been surprised.  She reasoned that if this type of interaction is ‘normal’ for the family, then why wouldn’t they interact this way?  They do not know any other way of being with one another.

I am certainly not equating a funeral with the winter holidays, however, some of us tend to expect others to behave differently during the holiday season.  It can be helpful and, indeed, liberating to recognize that change requires more than external influences.  It requires inner exploration, what some of us call ‘soul-searching’.  External events, like a holiday, can trigger our motivation to engage in this process, however, in order to step out of the familiar and to really change our interactions with others, we need to focus on our own actions/thoughts/feelings and let go of our expectations.  It is essential to keep in mind that we have the power to do this for ourselves, but not for other people.

It is important to create more realistic expectations, based on who the other person really is rather than how we think they should be acting.  That being said, it is also important not to tolerate any form of abuse. When we expect others to behave as they usually would, we are less likely to feel disappointed and frustrated, and this, in turn, can actually improve our interactions.

So, let’s keep the focus on us and make a commitment to adjust our expectations to what ‘is’. 

Next week, we will explore how to cope with other people’s expectations of us and to find peace during the holidays.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 2- When and How to Set Boundaries

Part of getting unstuck in our relationships may be to tighten our boundaries with people who are  ‘toxic’ to us or, in some instances, to eliminate contact altogether.  It is important to know how much toxicity we are able to take in and tolerate and whether we can maintain a particular relationship and still walk away with a positive sense of self. When our sense of self becomes distorted in a way that leaves us feeling depressed, anxious, or consumed by guilt, it may be beneficial to cut off contact with that person.

Whenever we choose to tighten boundaries or suspend contact with another person, it is important to do so in a way that maintains our own integrity as well as the other person’s.  We need to communicate our intention directly to the other person.  By doing so, we will feel empowered, competent, and more likely to put our words into action.

Here are some essential guidelines to consider:

Always communicate using ‘I’ statements.  Avoid accusations and placing focus on what the other person did or said.

Be specific.  Avoid exaggerations like, ‘never, always, every time, etc.’  Speak about a particular situation or incident.

Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Try not to assume what he/she is thinking or feeling.

Allow the other person to own his/her feelings.  Do not take responsibility for the person’s reaction to you.  You can simply state, ‘I am sorry you are feeling that way’ or ‘I am sorry this is difficult, painful, etc. for you.’

Know when to end the conversation.  Express yourself and make your intentions known, but do not over-explain or try to force the other person to ‘get it’ by repeating the same thing over and over.

Setting boundaries takes practice.  We do not have to do it perfectly as long as we treat others with respect and dignity.  It is important not to measure our own relationship behaviors by another person’s inability to accept our words and actions.  If we have neglected our boundaries for some time in the relationship, it is likely the other person will resist our attempts to tighten or re-establish them.  Not only is this okay, it is necessary to the process of building healthier relationships for ourselves.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 1- What is a Healthy Boundary?

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS:

Saying in a calm manner, “I am not comfortable with (fill in the blank), but thank you.”

Responding to a request- “ I am not sure, can I get back to you?” When you are comfortable, get back to the person.

Saying, “I am not able to discuss this right now” and then DO NOT discuss it.

Using the terms, ‘if’ and ‘then’.

   Example- “If you continue to speak to me that way, then I will have to leave”. When the person   continues, then you LEAVE.  

   Example- “If you insist on calling me that, then I will have to hang up the phone”. When the person calls you that again, you HANG UP the phone.

Before making a decision that involves another person, taking the time to check with him/her first and then moving forward.

Giving what we can and doing for others what we are able to because it is what we truly wish to do.

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS NOT:

Saying ‘yes’ to someone, carrying out the action, then expressing annoyance in the presence of the other person because you really wanted to say ‘no’.

Feeling pressured to provide an answer and saying what you think the other person wants to hear.

Engaging in an argument with someone by throwing accusations, explanations, etc. back and forth without any sign of a resolution or understanding.

Discussing an issue with someone when you feel emotionally vulnerable or concerned for your physical safety.

Agreeing to something on someone else’s behalf and then becoming angry and defensive when the other person does not wish to go along with you.

Giving to others until we have nothing left to give and then blaming others when they ask for more.

As you may have already recognized, one of the key elements in setting boundaries is to mean what you say and say what you mean.  It is about following through with our actions.  There is truth to the saying-“Actions speak louder than words.” It is important to let others know that there is intention behind your words. 

That is not to say that as we practice setting boundaries there won’t be times when we have trouble following through, however, we need to have this as a conscious goal and to believe that the relationship and our own sense of self will benefit from our efforts.

Next week, we will discuss when it is necessary to set  boundaries in relationships and how to communicate that in a healthy way.

Setting Healthy Boundaries- Introduction

 In order to understand what a boundary is we can compare it to the skin of the human body.  Our skin protects us from dirt, toxins, and bacteria in the environment.  Just as our skin creates a boundary against harmful elements, the boundaries we establish in relationships can protect us emotionally from ‘toxic’ people- the ones who ‘push our buttons’ so intensely that we react in ways which leave us feeling guilty, ashamed, and frustrated.

In the next few weeks, we will explore:

·         The nature of boundaries

·         Healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors 

·         How to establish and maintain boundaries

In the next chapter, we will answer the question, “What is a healthy boundary?” with examples and specific ideas on how to communicate boundaries through our words and actions.