The Season is Upon Us- Part 1- Expectations of Others

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be."
                                                                                
                                                                                               -Wayne Dyer

For some of us, Thanksgiving weekend marks the beginning of a spirited and joyous time of connection and closeness with others.  It can also mark the beginning of a season of stress, frustration, and at times, sadness.  Some of these latter emotions can be lessened if we are able to identify and challenge our expectations of other people.

I once attended a workshop on coping with grief.  The presenter had years of experience working in a hospice agency helping people deal with end-of-life issues.  She described a funeral where arguments filled with accusations, name-calling, etc.  took place among family members.  Those of us in the workshop reacted with disgust and disbelief, however, the presenter had not been surprised.  She reasoned that if this type of interaction is ‘normal’ for the family, then why wouldn’t they interact this way?  They do not know any other way of being with one another.

I am certainly not equating a funeral with the winter holidays, however, some of us tend to expect others to behave differently during the holiday season.  It can be helpful and, indeed, liberating to recognize that change requires more than external influences.  It requires inner exploration, what some of us call ‘soul-searching’.  External events, like a holiday, can trigger our motivation to engage in this process, however, in order to step out of the familiar and to really change our interactions with others, we need to focus on our own actions/thoughts/feelings and let go of our expectations.  It is essential to keep in mind that we have the power to do this for ourselves, but not for other people.

It is important to create more realistic expectations, based on who the other person really is rather than how we think they should be acting.  That being said, it is also important not to tolerate any form of abuse. When we expect others to behave as they usually would, we are less likely to feel disappointed and frustrated, and this, in turn, can actually improve our interactions.

So, let’s keep the focus on us and make a commitment to adjust our expectations to what ‘is’. 

Next week, we will explore how to cope with other people’s expectations of us and to find peace during the holidays.