Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 1- What is a Healthy Boundary?

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS:

Saying in a calm manner, “I am not comfortable with (fill in the blank), but thank you.”

Responding to a request- “ I am not sure, can I get back to you?” When you are comfortable, get back to the person.

Saying, “I am not able to discuss this right now” and then DO NOT discuss it.

Using the terms, ‘if’ and ‘then’.

   Example- “If you continue to speak to me that way, then I will have to leave”. When the person   continues, then you LEAVE.  

   Example- “If you insist on calling me that, then I will have to hang up the phone”. When the person calls you that again, you HANG UP the phone.

Before making a decision that involves another person, taking the time to check with him/her first and then moving forward.

Giving what we can and doing for others what we are able to because it is what we truly wish to do.

This is what setting a healthy boundary IS NOT:

Saying ‘yes’ to someone, carrying out the action, then expressing annoyance in the presence of the other person because you really wanted to say ‘no’.

Feeling pressured to provide an answer and saying what you think the other person wants to hear.

Engaging in an argument with someone by throwing accusations, explanations, etc. back and forth without any sign of a resolution or understanding.

Discussing an issue with someone when you feel emotionally vulnerable or concerned for your physical safety.

Agreeing to something on someone else’s behalf and then becoming angry and defensive when the other person does not wish to go along with you.

Giving to others until we have nothing left to give and then blaming others when they ask for more.

As you may have already recognized, one of the key elements in setting boundaries is to mean what you say and say what you mean.  It is about following through with our actions.  There is truth to the saying-“Actions speak louder than words.” It is important to let others know that there is intention behind your words. 

That is not to say that as we practice setting boundaries there won’t be times when we have trouble following through, however, we need to have this as a conscious goal and to believe that the relationship and our own sense of self will benefit from our efforts.

Next week, we will discuss when it is necessary to set  boundaries in relationships and how to communicate that in a healthy way.