Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 4-Challenging the Resistance

How do we view change?  Is change something to be tolerated and endured?  Is change avoided at all costs?  Is change exciting and filled with hope for better things? Our present situation, relationships, material possessions, neighborhood- all of it is in a constant state of change.  How we perceive and respond to change can determine whether we stay ‘stuck’ in our lives and our relationships.

The following actions can help us to work toward challenging our resistance to change:

1.       Reassess our support system-  Many of us fear change will lead us into an even worse situation than we are currently experiencing.  How many of us are familiar with the message- “Just leave well enough alone”, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.  The future can look hopeless if we are hearing messages like this from those around us.  It is important to recognize when other people are imposing their fear of change onto us.  When this happens we experience a vicarious feeling that does not belong to us.  In order to counteract this we need to broaden our support network and ensure that it contains individuals who can inspire us to grow beyond our current circumstance.

2.       Create a timeline of change- Start at whatever point in time you feel comfortable and chart the years in consecutive order.  Next to the corresponding year, identify what change took place in your life and how it affected you- physically, emotionally, and intellectually.  Include how your relationships at the time may have been impacted.  When you are finished, read through and notice when change has happened to you and when you have played an active role in bringing about a desired change.  Identify how each change could be/has been utilized as a growth opportunity and whether or not you view the change as positive or negative.  Jot down your reactions to the changes at that time and make note of any feelings of resistance or fear that you experienced. Did it belong to you?  Was it someone else’s fear?

3.       Expose ourselves to ‘success’ stories of change- Read a book or view a film about a person (fictional or otherwise) who challenged his/her fear and resistance by either taking an active role in creating positive change or responding to change in a positive way. Be aware of feelings that arise in response to the other person’s struggle.

Consider some of these inspiring stories:

Shirley Valentine (play and movie version-drama/comedy)

The Enchanted April (book and movie version-drama)

Star Wars (movie- action/adventure)

The 40 Year Old Virgin (movie-adult comedy)

Sliding Doors (movie- drama)

In America (adult drama-based on true story)

It is hoped that, in reflecting upon and eventually, utilizing the insights and tools offered by this blog, we will have progressed toward creating desirable changes in our relationships with ourselves and others.

Feel free to share ways that you have challenged fear and resistance by posting a comment below.

 

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 3-Working Through Fear

When things are not going the way we planned, whether in a relationship,  job situation, or acreative project, we may experience a sense of urgency.  This urgency is often a form of anxiety or fear.  We may feel so uncomfortable with our anxious feelings that we decide to try anything we can to ‘fix’ the issue, and therefore, eliminate our discomfort.

Unfortunately, we can end up denying ourselves the opportunity to experience our true feelings, and, consequently, our true selves. Knowing our true selves is essential to making healthy choices that are the right ‘fit’ for us and creating positive change in our lives.  If we can tolerate some of the discomfort that accompanies any change, we will benefit in the long run. 

The following actions can help us to work through our fear:

·         Write down thoughts and feelings as they arise, keeping in mind that it is for your eyes only.  The purpose is to release anxiety/tension and to put your thoughts/feelings ‘somewhere’ outside yourself.  Holding onto them can affect us in a negative way and interfere with our ability to enact change.

·         Engage in a self-inventory of your strengths, interests, skills, natural abilities, and accomplishments. Write them down and then, read them out loud to yourself once each day.

·         Talk about your thoughts/feelings with other people, however, share with the intent to release them, not to solve or fix anything. 

·         Go ‘back to basics’ and ensure that you are taking care of yourself and engaging in healthy daily activities, such as getting enough rest, hydrating, getting physical exercise, etc.

·         Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and meditate on the phrase- ‘This too shall pass’.  Remind yourself that feelings are like ocean waves.  They rise up, touch the surface, then flow out again.  Whatever emotion we are experiencing in the moment is only temporary.

 When we are able to work through our fear, we can regroup and re-examine the situation.  We will then be able to respond to change in a more effective way.  Once we allow ourselves to confront our fears, we can begin to take steps to challenge the resistance. 

The next chapter will provide the tools to do just that.

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 1- Resistance and Fear

What is resistance? It is often the result of a conflict between what one knows on an intellectual level and what one feels emotionally.  How many of us nod and say, “ I KNOW he or she does not make me happy, but….” There is ‘something’ getting in the way of making a change.  It is important to note that very often there are practical obstacles to moving on, like finances, health issues, etc.   It is also important to recognize that many people are as we say, ‘their own worst enemy’.  We need to explore the ‘emotional blocks’ that cause our resistance. The basis of these blocks is very often fear.

Some of these emotional blocks can include:

Fear of failing- We may have been conditioned to view our experiences in ‘black/white’ terms which can make us inflexible and prone to feelings of frustration.  If we define ‘success’ as the achievement of one specific outcome and that outcome does not occur, we are likely to view it as a failure.  However, if we broaden the definition of success to include the demonstration of qualities like determination, creative thinking, and patience, we will be able to focus more on the process of the experience and the amount of effort expended rather than on the end product.  Ultimately, we will feel better about ourselves, learn from our actions, and be more likely to ‘bounce back’ and try again.

Fear of other people’s opinions/reactions to us- It can be a challenge to choose paths that foster our growth when we are in a relationship in which we allow  another person’s expectations to define who we are.  We may fear the person's anger, disappointment, or abandonment if we make a change in our lives.  If we are unhappy or unfulfilled in a relationship, then it is our responsibility to change that.  It is important not to wait for others to change.  We need to focus on the person we can influence the most- OURSELVES. 

Fear of making our own decisions – We may come from a family situation in which we were not trusted to make decisions.  We then interpreted this lack of trust to mean we are not capable, avoided making decisions for ourselves, and were denied the opportunity to learn healthy decision-making tools.  We need to demonstrate to ourselves that we are capable of learning these tools.  Some of us allow other people to make our decisions so that we are not responsible for a negative outcome. When we avoid taking responsibility, we are not only left feeling powerless, but consistently denied a feeling of true accomplishment. 

The first step toward getting ‘unstuck’ is to identify our own emotional blocks.  In order to break through these ‘blocks’ we need to recognize when resistance is being triggered.

 In the next chapter we will discuss what our fear of change might ‘look’ like.