Setting Healthy Boundaries- Part 2- When and How to Set Boundaries

Part of getting unstuck in our relationships may be to tighten our boundaries with people who are  ‘toxic’ to us or, in some instances, to eliminate contact altogether.  It is important to know how much toxicity we are able to take in and tolerate and whether we can maintain a particular relationship and still walk away with a positive sense of self. When our sense of self becomes distorted in a way that leaves us feeling depressed, anxious, or consumed by guilt, it may be beneficial to cut off contact with that person.

Whenever we choose to tighten boundaries or suspend contact with another person, it is important to do so in a way that maintains our own integrity as well as the other person’s.  We need to communicate our intention directly to the other person.  By doing so, we will feel empowered, competent, and more likely to put our words into action.

Here are some essential guidelines to consider:

Always communicate using ‘I’ statements.  Avoid accusations and placing focus on what the other person did or said.

Be specific.  Avoid exaggerations like, ‘never, always, every time, etc.’  Speak about a particular situation or incident.

Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Try not to assume what he/she is thinking or feeling.

Allow the other person to own his/her feelings.  Do not take responsibility for the person’s reaction to you.  You can simply state, ‘I am sorry you are feeling that way’ or ‘I am sorry this is difficult, painful, etc. for you.’

Know when to end the conversation.  Express yourself and make your intentions known, but do not over-explain or try to force the other person to ‘get it’ by repeating the same thing over and over.

Setting boundaries takes practice.  We do not have to do it perfectly as long as we treat others with respect and dignity.  It is important not to measure our own relationship behaviors by another person’s inability to accept our words and actions.  If we have neglected our boundaries for some time in the relationship, it is likely the other person will resist our attempts to tighten or re-establish them.  Not only is this okay, it is necessary to the process of building healthier relationships for ourselves.