In the last chapter, we made a conscious decision to get ‘unstuck’ and take action toward fulfilling our needs. We will most likely encounter others as we carry out our plan toward fulfillment. Some of these individuals may be capable of making positive contributions to our plan.
Many of us resist ‘needing’ others. In some families, it is considered a character strength to be able to accomplish things ‘on our own’. In other families, help may have been offered, but with a price, which often made us feel resentful and less likely to accept help in the future. Still in other families, help may have only been achieved by acting out in unhealthy ways that made it all too obvious we were in need. Finally, some families may have been incapable of providing any assistance regardless of our specific needs.
There are effective ways to ask for help that maintain respect for ourselves and others and increase the chances of actually receiving that help.
The first step :
Identify a key person/people who can offer emotional support and/or concrete resources. This can include not only those in our immediate circle, but those who are part of a larger system; professionals, assistants , your local librarian, anyone who can play a part, however small, in your design to meet a particular need.
The second step:
Decide on a means of communication. Think about how you express yourself best. Are you a good writer? Consider a written letter or email. Do you feel more comfortable in a face-to-face encounter or are you better communicating over the phone? For those of us who resist asking for help, it may be necessary to take it in steps and start off with the least uncomfortable means and then work our way up to a face-to-face encounter.
The third step:
Create a 'script' of what exactly to say when asking for help. This can be memorized in your head, written down, or recorded. Anything that makes the words flow without much struggle or anxiety. It is important to clearly identify the other person’s role in your need and express what strengths you think they have that would be helpful. Also, clearly state that if the person is not able to offer assistance, you would be open to contacting some person/organization they know of that could help. Think of this as a process- a long chain that connects you to the resources needed and each encounter/experience is simply another necessary link on that chain toward fulfilling your need.
The fourth step:
Keep a record of the steps taken and those still to be achieved in your plan. As you move along in your plan, be flexible, as one encounter may add another ‘link’ to your chain and require additional steps. Most importantly, make a note of the steps you have achieved and give yourself, literally, a pat on the back, recognizing at certain points, that it may have been a struggle, but that you took the step anyway. It is perfectly fine to feel uncomfortable, but do not let that prevent you from adding another link your ‘chain’. The discomfort of avoiding the step will be much greater and longer-lasting than the discomfort of taking the action.
Keep reminding yourself of the following:
“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end”.
This is a quote by Ursula LeGuin, an American writer of fantasy & science fiction who wrote over 30 books.
The next chapter will address creating a balance between our own needs and the needs of others.
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