When we experience feelings of anxiety related to being
emotionally abandoned, it can be difficult to think of options. Anxiety often interferes with the ability to
reason things out and we may end up making quick decisions, especially for those of
us who fall into the category of ‘people pleasers’. When someone approaches us with a request, we
may instantly reply ‘yes’, however, there may be
other responses that consider each person’s needs.
Here are some ways to create options for
ourselves:
Recognize and let go of feelings of urgency. Most often, we do not need to respond or to
make decisions immediately. We can give
ourselves the benefit of time. It can be
helpful to say to someone, “Can I get back to you?” or “I need to get back to you on that”. This gives us the opportunity to THINK rather
than be influenced solely by our emotions and the fear that we will be
rejected. It also gives us a chance to talk things through with someone else
who can provide more objective feedback.
Think ‘yes, but…..’
We can agree to another’s request and still meet our own needs. When we get back to the person about our
ability to agree, we can fulfill the other person’s need on our time. It does not have to disrupt our schedule or
interfere with other obligations. It is
important to remind ourselves that once we make an offer, it is the other
person’s responsibility to accept or not.
If the offer still does not meet another’s needs, we are not obligated
to continue negotiating with him/her, unless we choose to do so.
Here is a final thought on helping to meet someone else’s
needs:
Don’t expect reciprocity.
When we make an offer to someone, it is helpful to do so without expectations. If our
actions are true to our intention of helping someone else, we can let go of the
idea that the other person ‘owes’ us. Sometimes, we
may feel we owe others when we accept their help,
however, other people do not necessarily feel that way. That is our 'stuff' and it is important to own it. If we are truly uncomfortable with another’s
request, it is our personal right to say 'no'. This demonstrates respect for others as well as ourselves.
It is my hope that this blog inspires positive change in our
relationships. May we all strive to
create open and loving relationships with others.
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