For many of us, setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships is difficult. In order to understand why this is, it may be helpful to explore interactions within the family system, specifically the ways in which our parental figures handled boundaries.
Clear boundaries help us to develop a sense of ownership and security. Children need to know that there are things that belong to them which no one can touch. Parents help with this in a number of ways. They may designate a specific room or part of a room, to the child and allow him/her to decorate it and arrange things their way without criticism or judgment. Parents may allow the child to have several ‘special’ toys/objects that he/she does not have to share with friends or siblings. When a child brings home a craft made in school, the parent may allow the child to decide where to display it in the home and ensure it is not moved by anyone.
When there are no boundaries protecting what belongs to a child/adolescent, the following may occur:
What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine- For some of us, our childhood experience involved the message that whatever our parents paid for or allowed to be brought into their house was subject to their rules/wants/needs. A child’s room was decorated according to the parent’s taste. All toys/items were ‘up for grabs’ and refusing to share was declared ‘selfish’ or ‘bad’. Accepting college financial assistance from parents meant pursuing a career that pleased them not the young adult.
As adults we may then:
- Have difficulty accepting gifts/assistance from others
- Refuse to allow others to borrow our things and if we do, feel anxious about it
- Be inflexible to changes within our environment
- Have difficulty allowing others into our space/home/hearts
Clear boundaries also help us to take responsibility for our actions and to make our own decisions. Parents help by allowing the child to pick out his/her own clothing or to decide on what to order at a restaurant. When a child asks for help, the parent offers guidance, but ultimately, refuses to make the decision for him/her. If a child/adolescent makes a decision that results in a negative outcome, the parent allows him/her to experience the consequences rather than trying to ‘make it all better’.
When there are no boundaries allowing a child/adolescent to make their own decisions, the following may occur:
Father/Mother knows best- For some of us, making decisions was influenced strongly by what our parents thought was ‘right’ for us. We may have been pushed to make ‘safe’ choices that involved little risk, but little gain as well or to make choices that ‘fit’ with the goals of the family rather than the talents/knowledge/desires of the individual.
As adults we may then:
- Avoid taking risks
- Develop a fear of change
- Develop a fear of failure
- Feel trapped in our relationships
- Obtain approval from others before making a decision
It is important to work toward gaining insight with the intention of creating positive change in our lives, not to accuse or blame others.
Next week, we will explore our fear of abandonment and how that impacts our relationship behaviors.
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