Why We Struggle in Relationships- Part 1- Family 'Scripts'

A  common difficulty in relationships is accepting and working through conflict/disagreement.  To understand why this is challenging it may be helpful to look at how conflict was handled within our family system.  The term ‘script’ is used here to describe interactions that have a repetitive feel to them- meaning that no matter what the specific issue is, individuals tend to respond in the same way each time as if they are playing a ‘role’ in a story.

The following are examples and descriptions of how unhealthy 'scripts' impact us:

The Power Struggle-  This often occurs between a parent and child. The child asks permission to engage in some chosen activity or to obtain some desired item.  The parent immediately says ‘no’ in a way that does not invite further discussion.  The child then asks, ‘why not?’ and the parent responds, ‘because I said so’ in an annoyed tone.  This places the parent in a one-up position leaving the child feeling unheard and disempowered. For some of us, this may have occurred on occasion while growing up, however, if this was the standard response to a child’s needs/wants ( a ’script’), a clear message is conveyed- your needs are not important and stop asking for what you want.

As adults we may:

• Stop asking ourselves what we really want
• Not ask for what we want in order to prevent another person’s anger/annoyance
• Develop the inability to recognize our own wants/needs
• Judge our own needs and lessen their importance
• Experience feelings of guilt when we do fulfill our needs/wants
• Experience overwhelming anxiety and disappointment when we our needs are not met

Let’s Pretend-   How we work through disagreements and then come together again is essential to a healthy relationship.  For some of us, as children, arguments between family members were heated and took place in the presence of others within the household. Let’s say an argument takes place one evening at the dinner table.  The two main ‘actors’ yell, talk over one another, and make accusations, until each person walks away and avoids the other’s presence for the remainder of the evening.  The next morning, the same ‘actors’ smile and talk to one another as if nothing happened the night before. In fact, the incident is never mentioned again.  If this becomes the standard way of handling conflict (a ‘script’) the other family members are left feeling confused and denied any information on how things actually get resolved. It can seem like resolution happens ‘magically’ or that the two people are pretending as if the issue has been worked out.

As adults we may:

• Avoid conflict in relationships because it is just too confusing
• Always expect arguments to ‘blow over’ without further discussion
• Experience anxiety when confronted by others or when we confront others
• Become angered when the other person wants to ‘go back’ and discuss a previous argument
• Develop the inability to recognize one’s own role in disagreements

In the next chapter, we will explore the role of boundaries in relationships with parental figures.