Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 2- Obsessive Thoughts

When we are not getting our needs met, particularly in relationships, we may have a tendency to avoid conflict and keep quiet. As a result, we create dialogues in our head , fantasies, of what it would be like to express our true thoughts and feelings. These ‘dialogues’ drain our energy and interfere with our ability to concentrate on the task at hand. 

The following thought- stopping techniques can be helpful in managing and, even, eliminating obsessive thoughts.

The A to Z exercise can be done either with pen and paper or in one’s head.  If you are having racing thoughts accompanied by a moderate to high level of anxiety, writing this exercise will probably be most helpful.  To utilize your thoughts only, find a quiet place, sitting or lying flat.  Close your eyes, and start with the letter ‘A’.  Think of something or someone that makes you feel good about yourself, that creates positive feelings, or that you feel gratitude toward.  This can be ice cream for the letter ‘I’ and  music for the letter ‘M’ as examples.  Go on to the next letter of the alphabet and continue in the same way.  Each time you add something or someone, go back to the letter ‘A’ and repeat all of the letters that follow ‘A’ along with their positive objects.  This requires concentration and challenges your memory.  It is not important whether you reach the letter ‘Z’ or not.  The goal is to refocus your thoughts- you may achieve that by the time you reach the letter ‘H’ or the letter ‘Z’.  

Meditating on a phrase/affirmation while deep breathing can be very effective.  Follow the steps required in deep breathing (see the previous chapter on ‘Physical Discomfort’- Part 1) and add a positive phrase or sentence.  After you inhale, instead of repeating the count of 3 or 5, say the affirmation in your head, then exhale.  The phrase should be in the affirmative, such as ‘I WILL let go of others’ opinions’, rather than ‘I WILL NOT’ allow others’ opinions to affect me’.  Keep the affirmation short so that you will be able to repeat it the same way each time you breathe deeply.

I feel it is important to mention that, ultimately, the most effective way to reduce obsessive thoughts is to directly confront others and to verbalize our needs in an appropriate way. (IMPORTANT: it is not recommended confronting others when our safety may be at risk). The ‘golden rule’ in doing this is to limit one’s expectations and to remember that we are only responsible for what WE say and do- how the other person takes it and whether he/she ‘gets’ our message, is NOT our responsibility.

Very often, obsessive thinking interferes with our ability to get sleep. The next chapter will explore ways to create healthier sleep habits.

Feel free to share your own experiences with obsessive thoughts and other ideas on how to challenge them by posting a comment below.