OM Asatoma- Prayer for Peace

 Lead me from the Unreal to the Real

Lead me from Darkness to the Light

Lead me from Time-Bound Consciousness to a Timeless State of Being

-          Translated from Sanskrit & adapted from the Pavamana Mantra

 

This prayer can offer spiritual guidance for those of us healing from co-dependency in relationships. People sruggling with codependency are masters at anticipating the emotional needs of others at the expense of their own. Co-dependent behaviors often begin in childhood and are an effective way to reduce overwhelm.  A caregiver's depression, anxiety, or rage when confronted with life stressors leaves little room for a child’s feelings.  Children rely on adults to regulate their internal world, however, an emotionally dysregulated adult is incapable of providing this. As a result, a child learns to adapt by diminishing or dismissing their emotional needs and becoming hypervigilant of the adult’s emotional state.  Hypervigilance is a physical and mental state of extreme alertness.  It is an effective way to lessen feelings of helplessness and powerlessness in the midst of a caregiver’s emotional chaos. Essentially, when a child is able to anticipate what is going to happen in their surroundings, they feel more in control.

A consequence of always being alert to others’ emotions is shutting down your own. Over time, both unpleasant and pleasant emotions become dulled, including hope, joy, excitement, and a sense of peace in the present moment. These are beautiful qualities that children naturally possess. When you, as a child, rely upon your ability to shut down and dull emotions on a regular basis to manage overwhelm, those positive qualities become locked inside yourself. It is like an internal prison where the child can see and hear the happenings of the outside world but is unable to express itself.

The first line of the above prayer, ‘Lead me from the unreal to the real’ reminds you that what is real is that you are essentially a child of the universe, possessing all of the positive qualities of a child.  They are ever-present and can never be permanently lost. You only need to be led back to their presence.  What is unreal is the perception that adaptive behaviors and beliefs that helped you survive in the past, like hypervigilance and emotional shutdown, define who you are in the present.  You can acknowledge that they were necessary in childhood, but no longer needed in adulthood because you now have access to outer resources, like information and supportive individuals as well as inner resources like wisdom and life experience, which you did not possess as a child.

The second line, ‘Lead me from darkness to the light’ is a plea to free the child part inside of you from its dark prison and to experience the brilliant wonder of the universe. In the light, you regain connection to your true nature and the freedom to grow as a human and spiritual being.

The third line, ‘Lead me from time-bound consciousness to a timeless state of being’ reinforces faith in a power greater than yourself. With faith, you can let go of that need to control, which helped you to feel safer in the chaos of your childhood.  When you are able to connect to your higher self, the part of you that is one with the beneficent universe, a deep sense of peace will surround you.

 

Get Off the Anxiety Wheel by Practicing Mindfulness

The wheel is considered one of humankind’s greatest inventions. It gave humans more freedom and control over their world. Our thoughts very often move around and around like a wheel, however, when this happens, we lose our sense of freedom and become stuck in indecision.  Think of the phrase, “you’re just spinning your wheels” with thoughts like, ‘what if I fail?’, ‘what if I make the wrong decision?’, ‘what will other people think of me?’ and so on.  These questions end up spinning around in our minds without end. It is a thoroughly frustrating experience.  A way to stop the spinning is to practice mindfulness, noticing and being curious about our thoughts rather than judging them.

What fuels this wheel-spinning is fear and anxiety. We feel a lack of internal control, like our mind and body are doing this distressing thing to us.  In response, we look for things outside of us to control, like situations, people, outcomes.  It relieves some of our anxiety for the moment and is, therefore, a protective response.  If we can become aware of this response in the moment, we can then consider the underlying anxiety. It is preferable to experience our true feelings and take steps to manage those, rather than continue to try and manage things we do not have control over. It is a paradox in that the more we attempt to control what is external, the more powerless we become. So, what DO we have control over? The answer is our internal world and all of the thoughts and feelings that reside there.

Our thoughts have the power to either increase anxiety or to lessen it.   Being mindful of our thoughts can help make anxiety more manageable. The three main components of mindfulness are:

§  Notice

§  Be Curious

§  Let it Go

When we stop what we are doing, close our eyes, and turn our attention inward, thoughts will naturally come and go.  The goal is not to stop the brain from producing thoughts. The goal is to be aware of them by noticing the thoughts in the moment they come up, be curious without judging them as good/bad or right/wrong, and then let them go.  

The following visual exercise can help:

See a snow globe in your mind’s eye that has been shaken up.  Notice the tiny flakes all swirling around inside.  Think of the globe as your mind and the flakes as your thoughts. As you watch the flakes float gently downward, imagine your thoughts floating around, then notice as they slowly descend and settle on the bottom of your mind just as the flakes settle at the bottom of the snow globe.

IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER: No one flake is better than another and, most importantly, you are not connected emotionally to any of the flakes.  It is similar to riding in a car or train and watching the scenery go by. With mindfulness, you simply watch your thoughts go by.

If you practice noticing your thoughts in a neutral way, they will naturally slow down, stop spinning, and prevent your anxiety from increasing.

May we all create the time and space to connect to our internal world, gifting ourselves with mindfulness.

Harnessing the Power to Tame Your Anxiety

For many of us, trying on new experiences and stepping out of our comfort zone produces anxiety.  This anxiety can be manageable or severe enough to prevent us moving forward into something new and exciting.  A way to manage anxiety and harness your self-power is to ask the question, What do I need in order to     fill in the blank   ?  Just asking the question can be a challenge, however, as an adult, the only person truly able to know what you need is YOU.

If asking the question, What Do I Need? is unfamiliar to you, consider breaking it down into the following:  Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How?

WHO-  It can be helpful to have someone accompany you. Ensure it is someone you trust, who keeps you grounded in the present, not triggered back into the past, or full of ‘what ifs’.  If this is not possible, could you keep in contact with the person via text message or phone?  One of the symptoms of anxiety is a sense of being disconnected from the environment.  This includes not just objects but people.  When you are able to connect with another, your anxiety will decrease.

WHAT- Identify an object that brings comfort or joy.  Some people connect to good luck charms which can bring a sense of control over worrisome situations.  It can be especially helpful to have a ‘kit’ of resources like a tote bag or backpack that contains the things needed to meet basic needs like water, essential oils for focus or relaxation, snacks, a notebook to write down and organize your thoughts, or a puzzle book that keeps the logical part of the brain online.  When emotions overwhelm us, the rational part of the brain shuts off.

WHEN-  Know what time of the day is most soothing to you.  Some people are highly anxious in the mornings as melatonin decreases and adrenaline increases urging you to start your day.  Create time to practice a tool or activity that emotionally calms/soothes you prior to the new experience.  When anxiety is triggered, the nervous system becomes highly aroused and the brain secretes stress hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline.  Yoga poses, rhythmic breathing, a youtube meditation, or brisk walk are just some ways to decrease this state of arousal.  Furthermore, running behind schedule, in itself, can trigger anxiety. Ensure that you have wiggle room to accommodate unexpected delays.

WHERE-  Know the setup of the situation and, if possible, visit the location prior to the activity.  This will create some familiarity. If you are able to enter the building/area, make note of an accessible restroom.  This can provide a time-out to practice a relaxation tool, repeat an affirmation or connect to your support person without being observed by others.  Anxiety often overrides the logical part of the brain, therefore, the less ‘figuring out’ you need to do the day of, the less draining it will be on your entire system.

WHY-  When you are clear on why you are facing the anxiety-producing experience, you can uncover the motivation to persist.  On the other hand, if you are proceeding because of feeling pressured by others that you ‘should’ do it, the motivation will be minimal.  Purpose is especially helpful when the situation is one you really do not want to face, however, it would hurt yourself or others if you did not, such as, having a dental procedure, showing up for a job interview, or visiting a loved one in the hospital.

HOW- Consider the personal qualities you need to possess, like courage, persistence, or flexibility.  You can then create a real or imagined visual symbol that represents the quality.  In your mind, see your present self connected with that symbol, embracing it, holding it in your hands.  If you are connecting with a specific character, look into their eyes and thank them for accompanying you into the experience.  It might be helpful to imagine your present self as that character with the same manner of dress, posture, and facial expression.

Asking, What Do I Need?, connects you to a sense of self-power over the inner workings of your mind and body as well as your external world.  Consider this quote by the writer, Alice Walker, best-known for her book, The Color Purple.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”

Keep in mind it is not necessary to answer all of the questions in order to experience a sense of empowerment over your anxiety.  Take the steps you are able to and let go of the others.  Most important of all, be gentle with yourself.

 

Toxic Stress in Relationships

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment.  There is a hidden meaning behind all events and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”                                              

                                         -          Deepak Chopra

There may be individuals in our lives whom we do not plan to sever ties with, however, their words and actions often cause us great distress.  This distress goes beyond mild annoyance or irritation.  It can actually be toxic to our self-image, feeling of emotional safety, and sense of competency. 

 CHARACTERISTICS OF ‘TOXIC STRESS’ ARE:   

 All-consuming.  We may be able to identify a specific emotion or two that gets triggered by a toxic person, however, the stress seeps into the core self and triggers negative beliefs about who we are.  Examples of these negative beliefs are: ‘I am not lovable’, ‘ I am worthless’, ‘I am weak’, ‘ I am helpless’.   We carry negative beliefs with us into every situation and make decisions, based on these beliefs, about who to trust, what challenges to confront, and whether or not we learn from our experiences.

Physical. The effects of toxic stress are felt severely in the body from migraines and back pain to irritable bowel syndrome and other gastrointestinal maladies.  The physical discomfort serves to distract us from the emotional pain that is triggered by the person toxic to us.  Emotions occur in our bodies before the conscious mind is able to label them. Consider common sayings like, “he is such a pain in the neck” or “she is a pain in the ass” or “I wish he would get off my back.” Ask yourself- How would I describe this toxic stress in bodily terms.

Persistent.  The residue of interactions with a toxic person can remain with us for days, weeks, even months after an encounter.  If we do not explore and work through our emotional distress, eventually it becomes stored in our brain until the next encounter and we end up with a tangled mess of unreleased emotions from all the previous interactions with the person.  When we become triggered, meaning our brain connects our current experience with the previous ones, the ‘mess’ pops out from our emotional ‘junk drawer’.  This toxic stress overwhelms us and compromises our ability to respond in a rational, healthy way.

Setting and maintaining boundaries in a relationship with a person who is toxic to us is the key to preserving our emotional health. The same way we take action to protect our physical health from toxicity in the physical environment, we need to protect our emotional health from toxicity in human relationships.

Consider this scenario:

Your neighbor next door is in the back yard spraying a tree with a toxic pesticide.  Would you walk into your back yard with no face mask, your skin exposed, lean over the fence, and have a conversation with this neighbor?

If it was really necessary to interact with the neighbor, you might take precautions and physically shield your skin, remain a good distance away from the toxicity, or wait until there is a time when it is safer to approach this person.

WHEN IT COMES TO EMOTIONAL TOXICITY YOU CAN:

Take Precautions.  Mentally prepare yourself  or  ‘psych yourself up’  by using some relaxation tools, positive affirmations, identifying any expectations, and even writing down specific statements you can use to set boundaries.

Keep your distance. Consider who else will be present, the location, activity involved, and purpose of the encounter.  Create some distance by having a buffer, someone you trust to run interference for you. 

Most important of all, is to weigh the necessity of interacting with the toxic person, know that you are in charge of your own emotional health, and believe that you have the personal right to choose how much toxicity, if any, you wish to be exposed to.

From a spiritual perspective, it just may be that this toxic person is a gift from the universe, someone most able to trigger an issue that needs to be addressed by you in order to continue on your journey toward healing.  Basically, if your ‘stuff’ doesn’t come to the surface, you can’t work on it.

May we all work toward releasing toxic stress in relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and confronting our emotional triggers.

The Survival Response in Relationships

When you experience a perceived threat, your brain responds involuntarily.  It is the same mechanism that enabled your ancestors to survive thousands of years ago as cavepeople. Within the brain’s limbic system, sometimes referred to as the ‘reptilian brain’, there is something called your amygdala. It controls all of your survival instincts like hunger, thirst, and sexual and maternal urges, and is, therefore, really efficient at detecting threats to your survival. Once a threat is detected, the amygdala sends a signal for the body to get ready to fight, flee, or freeze. Your body experiences actual physical changes as the hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, increase.  You may notice that your respiration quickens, vision narrows, and blood flows away from your organs and out toward your limbs. It is all part of the survival process.

While the physical changes are the same as they were thousands of years of ago, the types of threats  we face have changed significantly.  It is not a saber-toothed tiger coming your way, but a boss who reminds you of your hyper-critical parent or a police officer who has just pulled you over.  When you are experiencing difficulties in relationships, it can be helpful to identify your own primary response to danger.

Fighting is just what it seems to be.  It is moving toward a perceived danger and confronting it.  In an argument, the ‘fighter’ most often looks directly at the other person, asks direct questions, demands answers, raises one’s voice or talks over the person, and moves in an agitated way.

Fleeing is moving away from a threat and attempting to avoid it.  In an argument, the ‘fleer’ most likely avoids eye contact, turns away from the other person or leaves the situation, deflects questions, gives evasive answers, and/or becomes ‘busy’ in some unrelated activity or task.

Freezing is, essentially, shutting down. Like the antelope in the wild, the person ‘plays dead’ until the threat has passed.  The ‘freezer’ most often turns silent, stares into space, shrugs when asked a question, takes on a rigid posture, and is, overall, unresponsive. 

Within the context of relationship, you really need to understand not just your own response to threat, but the other person’s as well so that you can detach in a healthy way and refrain from taking their words and actions personally.  A common situation that occurs in relationships is response escalation.  This is when each person’s initial response becomes further activated by the other’s danger response. It is like a super stressful game of tennis in which the ball is returned with more and more force each time.

For example, two people plan to meet at a specific time for dinner.  One is punctual while the other arrives almost 30 minutes late. Being on time is very important to the first person, therefore, arriving late shows a lack of concern for his/her feelings. This is the perceived threat, anger and anxiety are triggered, and the brain is thrown into a ‘fight’ response.  When the second person shows up, the ‘fighter’ is standing with shoulders back, hands clenched in attack mode. In a loud tone of voice, they demand to know why the person is late and, without allowing the opportunity for a response, goes on about how long they have been waiting, how hungry they are, and how rude, inconsiderate, etc. the other person.  Now, unable to recognize this as an involuntary danger response, the second person becomes anxious. Their brain is thrown into a ‘freeze’ response.  They put their head down, avoid eye contact, and do not verbally respond.  This causes the ‘fighter’ to feel further ignored and offended, so the fight response increases, the ‘freezer’ shuts down even more, and on they go in a tennis match of heightened stress.

So what do you do after identifying your primary response to danger? 

Communicate. Choose a time after the brain has reset and the body’s physical response has subsided.  Sit down with the other person and talk about what triggered one of the three responses and how the brain is wired to ensure our survival.  It can be relieving for both you and the other person to understand that fighting, fleeing, or freezing behaviors are not something you consciously choose in the moment, and, therefore, are not connected to bad intentions.  Consider this French proverb:

“To understand everything is to forgive everything.”

May we all strive for self-awareness with curiosity and an open heart and may our relationships benefit.

Self-Gratitude

“Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang the best.”

                                                                                                                -Henry van Dyke

For some of us, the holiday season brings to the surface feelings such as loss, loneliness, and regret as well as the tendency to compare ourselves to others.  We may feel that we are lacking and that others are living much more abundant lives. One of the ways to counteract these thoughts and emotions, which can truly dampen our spirits, is to practice gratitude. Gratitude injects us with positive energy that boosts our physical and emotional resiliency so we are better able to weather the challenges that come up. One way to practice gratitude is to focus on the external gifts in our lives, like, material comforts, awards/recognitions, and relationships within our families and communities, however, it is also helpful to recognize our internal gifts.  Our internal gifts are an integral part of our core selves.

These internal gifts include:

Wisdom- knowledge gained from processing and then reflecting on life experiences

Formal skills- procedural behaviors learned through schooling and mentorship

*Natural abilities/talents- logical, visual, auditory, physical, literary, interpersonal, intrapersonal

Helpful Habits- daily actions/self-talk that make up our self-care routine

When we become thankful for our own internal gifts, we are able to recognize and accept our true worth. This stimulates our ability to self-motivate and to work toward our goals. When we self-motivate we are more likely to engage in activities and embrace experiences for the intrinsic reward rather than the external one. This intrinsic reward becomes more tangible when we devote our time and energy to those activities which utilize our internal gifts.

Self- gratitude extends outward.  We may end up recognizing that many of our internal gifts are the direct result of our interactions with other people:  the person who taught us the skill, encouraged our natural talent, modeled emotional resiliency and self-care, or gave us the support and personal space to process and learn from our life experiences.

*A full description of natural talents is offered in the book, 7 Kinds of Smart by Thomas Armstrong.

May we all practice self-gratitude, progress on our life path, and be the best version of ourselves at each stage of the journey.

Live and Learn

As a member of this 'information age', you may pride yourself on being a highly-skilled planner and expert researcher, gathering information through google searches, consulting with friends, family members, and professionals, and weighing all the pros and cons before moving forward toward a goal. The truth is, most, if not all, of your learning and personal growth is the result of taking action. Consider the value of 'going with your gut' and diving into an experience. Here are a few reasons why you may be over-preparing:

·         To prevent making a ‘mistake’ or ‘failing’

·         To ensure there are no surprises and, if there are, to be ready for them

·         To eliminate feeling solely responsible for your actions if things do not work out

 All of the above share a common underlying factor-  FEAR.  There is a certain amount of planning that is beneficial to your endeavors, however, when this becomes excessive, you may be allowing fear to take control  and procrastination to set in.

Let's look at 2 common learning experiences for children- swimming and riding a bike.  A child could read many books on these subjects that help to understand how a bike is constructed, the science of motion and types of swim strokes and swimming gear.  None of this will actually help a child to swim or ride a bike.  Knowledge comes, essentially, from doing engaging in the active process. The child's degree of success increases each time the child ‘fails’, reflects on the result, and then makes the necessary adjustments.

These adjustments may be physical, such as shifting body weight or relaxing certain muscles; cognitive, like making connections- i.e. ‘when I move my arms like this, then this happens’; and emotional, such as reducing anxiety or frustration by taking a break and a few deep breaths.

You can also apply this process to building relationships: taking an action and engaging with someone new, then ‘failing’ in certain situations, reflecting on the result, like ‘did this help us to connect more?’ or ‘do I understand his/her perspective better?’, and finally, making adjustments to your words and actions. Ultimately, the only way to learn how to be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship is to simply BE in relationship with other people. 

When you step out of your comfort zone and set out to experience a new relationship, skill, or interest it is helpful to be aware of hidden fears.  This awareness can benefit you more than all of the research and advice gathered. In fact, looking inward can be an integral part of the preparation process. 

It is important to remind ourselves that whatever outcome our actions create, there is always something to be learned.

Embracing Joy in the New Year

“What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do.”

                   -          Sanaya Roman (Living with Joy)

Many of us start off the new year full of ideas on how to be more productive, organized, punctual, and successful in our lives.  Behind these resolutions are our best intentions, however, we often overlook the bigger picture.  We can be all of those things listed, but they do not matter if we do not experience enough joy in our lives.  Discovering what brings us joy and taking steps to experience that joy is the foundation for fulfillment.  Essentially, joy is what makes life worth living. 

Here are some ideas to help you embrace joy in the new year:

Be present- When we practice being more in the here and now we are better able to catch ourselves experiencing joy.  Joy can be as fleeting as a single moment and we don’t want to miss it. If we miss it, we miss crucial information about what exactly creates that feeling within us.

Tame Your Expectations-  Many of us strive to be happy all the time and we think we are flawed in some way when we are not.  Joy is not a permanent state.  It is a feeling like any other and feelings come and go.  If joy were a permanent state, it wouldn’t cause us to feel so breathtakingly free and alive when it happens.  Its rarity is what sets the moment apart from all others. 

Redefine success- It is common for many of us to focus on what is tangible and to define success by what we ‘get’ monetarily and materially from an activity or experience.  We can shift our thinking and reach for the goal of achieving joy.  Consider the success of indoor activity centers like Chuckee Cheese and Dave & Busters. One can quickly and easily spend $50 in tokens/chips in order to win a prize that would cost $10 if purchased directly from the store.  If we look at the bigger picture, it is truly the joy of the experience that will outlive the entertainment value of the actual prize.

As adults, we can become bogged down in all that needs to get done.  Taking some time out for joy requires effort and commitment, but if we incorporate the above ideas into our daily routine, we will see that opportunities are all around us.

May we all be open to joy in our lives, believe we deserve it, and take steps to embrace it.

An Exercise in Letting Go

“The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.” 

                                                                                    -Atisha

TO LISTEN TO AN AUDIO VERSION CLICK HERE www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9cuQeRcZs&t=98s

What does it mean to let go?  Some of us believe letting go is to just stop thinking about a problem.  Others see it as replacing a problem, in the form of a person or situation, with another person or a different situation. However, before we move on, we need to let go. Letting go is, essentially, how we heal.  Healing is made up of layers; heart, mind, body, and spirit.  When we let go we clean out the negative thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that hold us back from achieving what we want in life.  As we go on living, layers of dirt and grime accumulate and, like a drain pipe, the channels of our heart, mind, body, and spirit become clogged with past hurts, losses, and disappointments. It becomes necessary to unclog those channels in order to let go and to heal.

The following meditation can help us take a step in the process toward letting something go in our life.

·         Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet uncrossed and flat on the ground.  Close your eyes and think about the person or situation that you are having trouble letting go of.  Notice any images that arise related to the issue.  What emotion is coming up?  Identify the emotion; fear, anger, sadness, confusion, overwhelm.  Notice where you feel it in your body.  Be aware of any muscle tension, warmth, coolness, heaviness, or tingling.  Give the emotion a color that represents what you are experiencing.  There is no right or wrong color. It just needs to reflect what is happening in the moment.

·         Now imagine a big bubble floating in the air at eye level in front of you.  Take a deep breath in through your nose with your mouth closed.  Exhale through your mouth, forcefully releasing the air.  See it as your chosen color.  Imagine blowing the colored air into the bubble.  See the bubble expand with your colored breath inside.  Continue taking deep breaths and then exhaling into the bubble.

·         After several breaths, pause and notice the degree of emotion you are feeling in the moment.  Notice if anything has changed in your physical body.  Has the sensation moved, lessened, or increased?  Are there any new sensations?  If you feel the emotion has subsided to some degree and you are okay with that, you can proceed to the next step or, if you want to release more, take a few final breaths in and blowing out.

·         When you are done releasing, see in your mind’s eye, the image of the bubble filled with your colored breath.  Imagine taking your finger and popping the bubble, releasing the air.  See the air like colored smoke, floating up and dissipating into the atmosphere until it is completely gone.

·         Now, sit with your back straight and your hands resting on your thighs, palms facing up, fingers relaxed.  With eyes closed, repeat silently to yourself, “I am letting go.  I am receiving healing and freedom from ______________________________.”

                              (Fill in the blank with a specific emotion)

It is important to be gentle with ourselves and to know that, depending upon the intensity and the layers of “dirt”, we may need to practice this exercise more than once.  It may be more comfortable to release little bits at a time, rather than to let the feelings go all at once.  We need to be sure to listen to our inner self, to honor it, and to be fully present in the moment.

May we all practice moments of letting go, embracing a sense of joy and freedom in our relationships.

TO LISTEN TO AN AUDIO VERSION OF THIS EXERCISE CLICK HERE  www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV9cuQeRcZs&t=98s

An Exercise in Mindfulness

"Change your thoughts and you can change your world."

-                                                                       -          Norman Vincent Peale

According to the National Science Foundation, the average person has approximately 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day.  An anxious person could probably double that number.  Since our thoughts affect how we feel, whether we are conscious of them or not, it is beneficial to increase our self-awareness in order to change the thoughts that cause anxiety.

The following mindfulness exercise can help us to do this:

Find a quiet, comfortable place to relax. Make sure there are no distractions and that you are sitting in a supportive position or lying flat.  Rest your hands on your lap or at your sides, palms face up, open to receive feelings of peace and relaxation.  Begin to notice your breath. You do not need to alter your breath in any way. Just notice your chest or abdomen rising and falling.  Notice the air as it enters your nostrils, then as you exhale.  We hold a lot of tension in our face, so consciously try to relax your eyelids and your jaw muscles. 

After taking approximately 10 breaths, turn your attention inward to your thoughts.  See your thoughts as colored autumn leaves floating on the surface of a stream.  Notice how some of the leaves float continuously up the stream, while others swirl around in a circular pattern.  These may be repeating thoughts that play like a record and feed fears and insecurities. With curiosity and no judgment see these leaves in your mind and, one by one, allow them to break out of the circle and float up the stream, being led by the current.

Notice how other leaves are stuck behind a tree limb that juts into the water from the shore. These may be stagnant thoughts that do not serve you but that are so familiar you are hesitant to let go of them.  Again, with curiosity and no judgment, see a great ripple in the stream that stirs the leaves out and away from the limb.  See them bobbing on the surface of the water and then joining the other leaves floating up the stream and into the distance.

When practicing mindfulness, we need to remind ourselves that our brain is always generating thoughts; during sleep, in the form of dreams, even during moments of mindfulness. The goal is not to eliminate thoughts altogether but to simply be aware of them without judgment.

May we all be willing to give ourselves the gifts of peace and relaxation and to practice this on a daily basis.

Social Media- To Distract or Not to Distract Part 2

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.  Conscious breathing is my anchor."

 
                                                                        - Thich Nhat Hanh

In the last post, we explored how the use of social media can help us avoid uncomfortable feelings, move away from the present moment, and disconnect from our internal world.  It can offer temporary relief from loneliness, self-doubt, sadness, anxiety, and many other blocks to peace/happiness.  As with any activity, it is always helpful to understand our intent behind it.  When we sign on to a social media site, we can ask ourselves- Why am I choosing to utilize my time in this activity?  When the answer is to bring emotional relief, it may be wise to look inward.  It is easy to become dependent upon something external to help us feel safe, at ease, even loved.  This may sound familiar.  What we are talking about is the essence of an addiction. 

There is a saying in mental health circles-  “Addiction is addiction is addiction...”  Truly, any activity can become addictive, from eating food, shopping online, and going to work to taking pain medication or using alcohol/drugs.  The key to defining addiction is to know the intent behind it. With an addiction, the intent is to temporarily relieve us of an unpleasant emotional state.  If the activity does its job, we return to it again and then again until we have given up power over our internal world.  Hence, the 2^nd step in a 12-step program – "Admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank)".  While there is currently no 12-step group designated to the overuse of social media, its addictive potential should not be dismissed.

Once we have identified our intent to avoid unpleasant emotions, then it is important to maintain our connection to the present moment.  How do we do this?  We can bring our attention to breath and body. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position, making sure the spine is straight and shoulders back. This opens up the diaphragm, located in the center of the ribcage, so that the breath can flow deeply. 

Inhale through the nose with the mouth closed.  As you inhale, notice the temperature of the air touching your nostrils, then flowing down the back of your throat. 

Exhale through the mouth and notice the warmth of the breath as it moves up from the throat. Notice the sound of the breath as well. 

If you find that your mind is jumbled up with thoughts, images, etc. see a snow globe in your mind’s eye. Imagine this is your mind and the bits of snow are just ‘static’.  See the snow floating downward and settling at the bottom of the globe as if this is the static of your mind settling.

Once the static has settled, see a door or a window in your mind’s eye and watch as it opens.  Imagine you are opening your mind to your innermost thoughts and emotions.  Allow whatever comes up to just come up and simply notice the information without judgement.

It is important to remember that there are no ‘shoulds’ to this practice.  We do not need to control the process, just to be present, open, and observant.  We serve only as a witness to what comes up and can respond with simple curiosity.

Social Media- To Distract or Not to Distract Part 1

“The best way out is always through.”

                                                            - Robert Frost

Many of us find ourselves bored and/or anxious during periods of downtime. We know logically that there are multiple tasks/chores we can engage in, however, we long to feel connected.  For many of us, our habit is to turn on the computer, iphone, ipad, and sign in to a social media site like FaceBook or Twitter.  We peruse the posts and the pics of everyday activities and special events alike. The clock ticks as we become more and more involved in the activity.  Gradually, we become more disconnected from ourselves; unaware of our breath, the sensations in our body, our emotions, our internal world. 

Why is this important? When a person disconnects from his/her self it is often a way to avoid unpleasant emotions.  In the modern world there are so many options for distracting from, turning off, and tuning out.  Emotions occur in the body.  They are generated from the brain and, before we are even able to say, for instance, ‘I am angry…’ or anxious, or sad, etc. our body has already experienced the emotion.  When we are not aware of our bodily sensations, we are unable to hear important messages.  Without knowledge of these messages, we are more likely to pursue an activity or a relationship that will, ultimately, be ineffective in fulfilling our needs.

When we are not aware of internal messages, we can experience symptoms such as:

• Insomnia

• Overeating

• Muscle tension/chronic pain

• Obsessive thoughts

• Difficulty concentrating

 The acts of avoiding, detaching, and distracting are, sometimes, referred to as forms of ‘dissociation’.  This is a protective function of the brain that enables us to endure physical/emotional pain.  It is necessary.  Survivors of sexual abuse often describe their experience in this way-“It was like I left my body and I was watching it happen to someone else.”  This form of dissociation preserves the psyche so that ‘parts’ of us can go on to function in everyday life while the painful emotions, negative beliefs about ourselves, and physical sensations we experienced at the time of the disturbing event, can be contained within a designated part of the self.

We also experience dissociation in less disturbing situations. Many of us have driven somewhere but, when we reached our destination, had no recollection of the actual driving experience.  It was as if we drove on autopilot, our body performing the task at hand, our mind somewhere else.  When we dissociate we are not fully in the present moment.  Like the example of sexual abuse illustrates, dissociation causes us to leave our body, therefore, the key to being present is to reconnect with the physical self.  Our body does not exist in the past or the future.   It is grounded right here and now. 

There are, of course, those exceptional situations in which dissociation is necessary and helpful.  What the use of social media can bring out in us is, not an exceptional situation, but the chronic tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings.  These may be the very feelings we need to experience in order to get unstuck in our lives and relationships. 

In the next post, we will explore how to bring awareness back to our bodies, and, consequently, our true emotions.

The Season is Upon Us- Part 3-Expressions of Care

The world around us is filled with all kinds of expression.  Trees and flowers bend toward the sun’s rays, bees hover over an exceptionally sweet flower, blades of grass turn brown when they are thirsty.  Human beings are part of nature and they have different ways of expressing themselves as well.  During the winter holidays it can be helpful not to judge other forms of expression but to try and understand the message behind them.

Look Behind the Action-  Some families are able to verbalize their care and concern and to actually say, “I love you” or “I love sharing the holiday with you”.   Other families express themselves in different ways.  It can be helpful to look for the sentiment behind the actions  of others.  In some families, cooking and sharing food, ironing a shirt, or picking up some key ingredient at the store is a way to express care.  It may be easier for these individuals to offer something concrete and tangible.  

Value the Obvious-  We may overlook the care, time, and effort invested in things that we have stopped noticing because they have always been there.  Consider the care behind a holiday display, decorations, or a table setting.  

Take Things at Face Value- Some relationships may not offer the closeness we desire throughout the year.  During the holiday season, a person may feel that they have ‘permission’ to express themselves more openly, that it is somehow less of a risk at this time.  Rather than dismiss these once-a-year expressions of love and concern, we can take them for what they are in the moment and let go of our resentment.

Be the Difference- We may long for others to set aside their resentments, bitterness, or sadness, during the holidays, however, it is most helpful to keep the focus on ourselves.  We can be the example of holiday spirit acting with compassion, openness, forgiveness, and optimism.  The energy we bring to a situation does affect others in either a negative or positive way.

May we all strive to discover our own forms of expression and to share them in our relationships. Have a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season….

Nurturing the Self- Part 3

The Nurturer part of the Self encourages us to rest and slow down, to create space when we feel overwhelmed, to connect when we need support/guidance, and to nourish our bodies.  These elements are essential to well-being, however, there is a function of the Nurturer part that may be less familiar to us.  This is the ability to emotionally self-soothe.  In order to self-soothe we need to have knowledge of what gives us a sense of safety and comfort.  In a healthy, functioning household a child learns this from a primary caretaker who is able to hold us when frightened, kiss our boo-boos, and rub away a stomach ache.  As our sense of self develops we internalize these soothing actions and ‘carry’ this internal caretaker with us as we go through life.  We are then able to access the Nurturer part as an adult and rely upon our own ability to self-soothe.  For those of us who grew up in a less functional family system, we may not have experienced this type of soothing on a consistent basis or at all, and are, therefore,  unable to access this internal Nurturer for soothing.  

This can be especially problematic growing up with family addiction.  The kind of self-soothing shown to us involved using an external object/activity like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, etc. to escape our pain.  Despite this, we can learn and become skilled at self-soothing in a healthy way. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position with feet flat on the ground and back straight which opens up the diaphragm. 

Begin by closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths.  Deep-breathing utilizes the diaphragm and is not like our regular breathing. 

Breathe in through the nose with mouth closed. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils.

As you breathe in, expand your diaphragm located right in the center under your chest area.  Rest your hand there to help you to be more aware. 

After you inhale, hold the breath for about 3-4 counts, then exhale through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  Allow the air to flow naturally.  Do not force it.  Allow your shoulders to sink down with each breath out.

Continue to take 5 or 6 deep breaths or until your breathing is slow and even and your body feels relaxed. 

Now place both hands in front of you, palms facing toward you.

Cross hands one in front of the other and link the thumbs together.  It should look like a butterfly, hence the name of this technique, ‘butterfly hug’.

Now rest your ‘butterfly’ against your chest, right under your collar bones, and gently, VERY SLOWLY pat with your hands from left to right.

Continue to pat left and right while you visualize a calm, relaxing scene in your mind.  See yourself alone there sitting, standing, or laying down.  Notice in your imagination what you can see around you- include colors, light/shadow, objects, and natural elements like grass, plants, clouds, mountains, etc. 

Next, notice what you can feel on your skin and if your body feels light, heavy, or like it is floating.  Go on to notice what you can smell-  i.e. the air, the ocean, perfume, flowers, etc., then what you can taste and hear in the scene.  Remember to just notice without any judgment or thought about what it might mean.  Be sure to continuously pat left and right VERY SLOWLY throughout this exercise.

** If you have trouble connecting to a particular sense, just let it go and move on to one of the other five senses.

It is important to remember that relaxation and exercises like the one above take time and practice.  Each time we practice is an opportunity to increase self-awareness and begin building our self-soothing ‘muscle’.  Building any kind of muscle feels uncomfortable at first, but it gradually becomes easier over time. 

We need to remember to enjoy the process and be gentle with ourselves.

May we all find the inspiration and willingness to embrace what is new and unfamiliar in order to strengthen our true sense of self.

Nurturing the Self- Part 2

Growing up in a family with addiction can cause us to feel that we are never good enough.  A person struggling with addiction is fundamentally unhappy with him/herself.  There is, essentially, nothing anyone can do and nothing outside that person that will give him/her a sense of peace, wholeness, and self-acceptance. We can try to do this out of genuine love and concern, but  our efforts will often fail and leave us feeling inadequate.  Over time, we may blame ourselves for failing and  end up punishing ourselves by being overly self-critical. In this circumstance, it is essential to develop and connect with the Nurturer part of our Self in order to tone down self-criticism and to stop emotionally ‘beating' ourselves up with very harsh, negative self-talk.  We can notice when this happens and then ask, if someone we care about made the same mistake, decision, or caused the same issue, how would we speak to him/her? 

It is important to understand that in order to keep the family system ‘running’, members often become super accommodating to the person struggling with addiction and avoid upsetting them so as not to be subjected to  anger, criticism, and rejection.  We may even create two separate systems of ‘rules’ – one for the addicted person and one for us.  It may be impossible to even conceive being negative and harsh with him/her, but emotionally beat ourselves up with ease. 

We can increase our awareness of self-criticism and begin to take steps to treat ourselves with the care and respect we give to others.

In part three of this post, we will explore a specific exercise that nurtures the Self in a healthy way.

 

Nurturing the Self- Part 1

Addiction often interferes in a person’s self-care and, as the addiction progresses, prevents a person from meeting even his/her most basic needs. When growing up in a family  where a member struggles with addiction, it becomes necessary for others to devote much time, energy, and emotion toward taking care of that person.  All members naturally adjust in order to keep the system running, however that may require each person setting aside his/her own needs. 

The ‘part’ of the Self that takes care of others can be termed the Nurturer.  This part helps us to meet the physical and emotional needs of other people, however, its purpose is also to help us take care of the Self.  In order to live a balanced life, we need ask ourselves, "Is the Nurturer part allowing us to meet our own needs in a sufficient way. 

Some signs that indicate we may not be sufficiently caring for ourselves are:

• Feeling emotionally/physically drained

• Experiencing chronic muscle tension

• Having difficulty falling asleep or sleeping through the night without feeling rested

• Having scattered thoughts or feeling ‘all over the place’

• Feeling lonely or bored even while in the company of others

• Fantasizing/Daydreaming about starting a new life somewhere else

We can begin to become more connected to the  Nurturer part by observing how we take care of others, such as providing emotional support by being non-judgmental and compassionate, cooking a meal, returning a phone call, picking up something at the store for someone else.  Once we are able to recognize all of the ways in which we nurture others we can then transfer that energy toward the Self. 

In part two of this post, we will explore how self-criticism plays a role in our lives and how the nurturer can counteract that.

Balancing Our Intuition and the Five Senses- Part 3

“No idea is conceived in our mind independent of our five senses.”

                        -    Albert Einstein

In the last chapter we looked at some suggestions to help sensors utilize their intuition.  Now let’s look at how intuitives can deepen their awareness of the five senses and utilize the information to make a decision that is best for them.

Here are some suggestions:           

Be in nature- The natural world is filled with opportunities to stimulate our senses.  Go for a walk in the park or on the beach, sit in the grass or on the sand, close your eyes, and identify what you can smell, hear, see, touch, and taste.  Be extra aware of your breath and notice how fast or slow you are breathing. Are you breathing from your upper chest or down from your diaphragm?

Embrace the ‘new’- It is easy for our five senses to become dull when we stick to what is familiar.  Visit some place you’ve never been to before, engage in a new activity/interest, cook/taste new foods while paying attention to the senses.  When we heighten our senses we will be better able to identify them.

Connect with an animal- All kinds of creatures can help to heighten our senses.  If you have access to an animal, use your five senses to deepen your connection with him/her.  Notice how it feels to hold/touch it, and how it smells. What sounds does the animal make while engaging in various activities like, eating, drinking, relaxing, playing, etc. 

Developing awareness takes time and practice.  It requires being fully present in the here and now and staying connected to our physical body. This is the true essence of mindfulness.

May we all experience balance in our lives as we deepen both our intuitive and sensing abilities.