Overcoming Resistance to Change- Introduction

We may know other people or have ourselves experienced relationships that are detrimental to one’s mental and/or physical health.  Individuals who remain in unhealthy relationships are intelligent people who know that a certain situation is making a negative contribution to their lives, however, their own resistance prevents them from taking steps to change it. The source of this ‘resistance’ is often a feeling of overwhelming fear. 

In the next few weeks, this blog will explore how to overcome our own resistance and help us to:

·         Understand the relationship between resistance and fear

·         Recognize how resistance manifests itself

·         Work through our feelings of fear

·         Utilize tools to challenge the resistance

Change is a requirement for growth and our relationships with other people are opportunities for that growth to occur. 

 In the next chapter, we will look at how resistance and fear are connected.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 4- Lack of Goal-Setting

We need to establish both short- term and long-term goals if we want to experience fulfillment in our lives.  Some of us may have been part of a family where members set goals that were not the right ‘fit’ for them, based on what others told them was ‘right’.  Still others may have set unrealistic goals without the guidance or encouragement to allow both strengths and limitations to inform their choices.  This made it difficult to see options from a more balanced perspective.

Being able to recognize and work with our strengths and limitations is one of the key elements in setting healthy goals for ourselves.  The more knowledgeable we are about our skills, talents, and abilities as well as ‘weak’ or underdeveloped areas, the more realistic our goals will be and the more likely we will reach achievement.

Keep in mind these 2 important principles:

1.  When we gain knowledge of a limitation, we can then take steps to strengthen that part of ourselves, either by taking a course, reading helpful information, or practicing the particular skill more diligently.  It can feel uncomfortable for some of us, even shameful, to recognize where we are limited.  We may have experienced severe criticism in our family when we achieved a less than perfect outcome.  We may hear this criticism repeated in our mind when we even think about working toward improving a certain aspect of ourselves.  It is important to be mindful of the messages we are generating, then, ask ourselves, “Whose voice is it?” or “When/where have I heard this message before?”  Become aware of messages that genuinely ‘belong‘ to us and those that we have been conditioned to tell ourselves and to give importance to.

2.  For some of us, it may not be just uncomfortable to recognize our limitations, but severely anxiety-provoking.  We may have experienced emotional neglect, in which both our strengths and limitations were ignored.  It is important to first recognize what we are skilled at before trying to tolerate the discomfort in addressing limitations.  We may not have been given the message in our family that, as human beings, we all struggle with limitations.  This does not diminish our worth, but reinforces our connection to all of humanity.  Most importantly, every person has some kind of strength- be it a learned skill, an inherent talent, or natural ability. 

Here is a quote from the inspirational resource, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon:

“Perfection is a long way off, but improvement can be made to happen every day.”

This blog is dedicated to helping all of us increase our self-knowledge and self-acceptance as we work toward fulfillment in our relationships and our daily lives.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 3- Sleep Habits

Sleep is a necessary part of our lives and a key element in maintaining both physical and mental health.   Research shows that lack of adequate sleep can increase the frequency and severity of anxiety symptoms and contribute to feelings of depression.  It is important to note that the amount of sleep each individual requires to feel rested does vary.  As always, be aware of your particular need.  'Rested' means that one is able to perform his/her daily tasks with adequate focus in a timely manner. 

Here are some ways to create healthier sleep habits:

1.       The information we take in right before sleep, stays in our memory. Read an inspirational book or article, watch a funny movie or television show, look through a book of photographs filled with natural wonders, animals, anything that creates good feelings or that is neutral (creates neither positive or negative feelings).

2.    Refrain from engaging in physical exercise before bed.  It raises the level of adrenaline and can prevent sleep. Give yourself adequate time to ‘wind down’.

3.       Avoid the intake of caffeine several hours before you normally turn in for the night.

4.       Unplug the clock and remove anything that reminds you of the time. This just adds pressure and reminds you that you only have a limited time to experience sleep and then you must start your day.

5.       Keep a notebook by your bed, and write down any thoughts about the day just prior to lying down to sleep.  If you awaken intermittently during the night, jot down any remnants of a dream.

6.       Don’t just lay there. Get up and do something. Go to the bathroom, have a glass of water or milk, make a cup of decaf tea.  Engaging in a repetitive activity that does not require much thought, and can be done as if by habit, can be helpful. 

Try one of these suggestions and if it isn’t helpful, go on to the next one.  Make it a work in progress and keep adding to the list as you discover ways to improve your sleep habits. You may want to keep this list handy to remind you.

Get some sleep, renew your mind and body, and start thinking about your short or long-term goals as you work toward fulfillment.  Next week, we will explore one of the key elements in setting healthy goals for ourselves.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs- Part 2- Obsessive Thoughts

When we are not getting our needs met, particularly in relationships, we may have a tendency to avoid conflict and keep quiet. As a result, we create dialogues in our head , fantasies, of what it would be like to express our true thoughts and feelings. These ‘dialogues’ drain our energy and interfere with our ability to concentrate on the task at hand. 

The following thought- stopping techniques can be helpful in managing and, even, eliminating obsessive thoughts.

The A to Z exercise can be done either with pen and paper or in one’s head.  If you are having racing thoughts accompanied by a moderate to high level of anxiety, writing this exercise will probably be most helpful.  To utilize your thoughts only, find a quiet place, sitting or lying flat.  Close your eyes, and start with the letter ‘A’.  Think of something or someone that makes you feel good about yourself, that creates positive feelings, or that you feel gratitude toward.  This can be ice cream for the letter ‘I’ and  music for the letter ‘M’ as examples.  Go on to the next letter of the alphabet and continue in the same way.  Each time you add something or someone, go back to the letter ‘A’ and repeat all of the letters that follow ‘A’ along with their positive objects.  This requires concentration and challenges your memory.  It is not important whether you reach the letter ‘Z’ or not.  The goal is to refocus your thoughts- you may achieve that by the time you reach the letter ‘H’ or the letter ‘Z’.  

Meditating on a phrase/affirmation while deep breathing can be very effective.  Follow the steps required in deep breathing (see the previous chapter on ‘Physical Discomfort’- Part 1) and add a positive phrase or sentence.  After you inhale, instead of repeating the count of 3 or 5, say the affirmation in your head, then exhale.  The phrase should be in the affirmative, such as ‘I WILL let go of others’ opinions’, rather than ‘I WILL NOT’ allow others’ opinions to affect me’.  Keep the affirmation short so that you will be able to repeat it the same way each time you breathe deeply.

I feel it is important to mention that, ultimately, the most effective way to reduce obsessive thoughts is to directly confront others and to verbalize our needs in an appropriate way. (IMPORTANT: it is not recommended confronting others when our safety may be at risk). The ‘golden rule’ in doing this is to limit one’s expectations and to remember that we are only responsible for what WE say and do- how the other person takes it and whether he/she ‘gets’ our message, is NOT our responsibility.

Very often, obsessive thinking interferes with our ability to get sleep. The next chapter will explore ways to create healthier sleep habits.

Feel free to share your own experiences with obsessive thoughts and other ideas on how to challenge them by posting a comment below.

Managing Symptoms of Unmet Needs-Part 1-Physical Discomfort

The relationship between our minds and bodies must be taken into consideration when working toward the fulfillment of our needs.  Our bodies can ‘speak’ to us in many ways.  When our lives become unbalanced and our needs are not being addressed, some of us may experience headaches/migraines, back pain, digestive problems, hives, even mouth pain in our jaws or teeth.

There are ways to increase our ability to be ‘in tune’ with our body and to hear what it has to ‘say’:

DEEP BREATHING- Breathing is one of those bodily functions we can perform without thought, however, being aware of and focusing on our breath can be beneficial, both physically and mentally.

This technique can be done either sitting or lying flat. Close your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest.  Breathe in through your nose. As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms. Hold for 3 seconds, then exhale slowly as if you are blowing through a straw. Listen to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract. Repeat as many times as you are able or until the body relaxes and your mind is clear.

PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION- This technique can be done either sitting or lying flat on your back. Start at the feet and work your way up. The basic concept is to tense each muscle group, hold for several seconds, then release the tension. 

Let’s use your hands as an example. Take your right hand and squeeze it as tightly as you can into a fist. Hold for the count of five, then slowly open your hand. Repeat this with the other hand. For maximum benefit, when you tense, inhale deeply (see deep breathing) and hold your breath for the count, then as you release the muscle, exhale. Continue with each part of your body, alternating between the left and right sides. 

When trying these techniques, be gentle with yourself.  Pressuring oneself to ‘get it right’ or to experience a specific outcome is often counterproductive.  The goal is to relax the body, refocus the mind, and be in the present moment. 

This can be extremely challenging if our minds are filled with thoughts about past experiences and ‘what if’ scenarios about the future.

The next chapter will explore obsessive thoughts and healthy ways to manage their impact on us.