Unhealthy Boundaries- The Cement Wall

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.”

    -                  Excerpt From ‘Mending Wall’ by Robert Frost

 

   Boundaries are essential to the health of our relationships. When they are identifiable, clearly communicated, and flexible, boundaries can lay the foundation for an emotionally safe, caring, and mutually fulfilling bond between two people. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries impact our relationships in ways that can create resentment, codependency, and other unhealthy patterns of behavior. 

  Here is one example of an unhealthy boundary:  

The Cement Wall-  We often hear about the difficulties that a lack of boundaries can create, however, having too many boundaries can cause problems as well.  Boundaries that are rigid, impervious, and unwelcoming are like cement walls. Often, we see them from miles away and the message is clear- ‘stay away’.  Essentially, it is their job to protect that person from feeling emotional pain resulting from rejection, disappointment, or abuse.  Cement walls are very effective, but at a cost. They are so impenetrable that they end up keeping everyone out, even potential friends, partners, lovers, etc.

This type of boundary does not allow information in or out, therefore, we end up missing important clues about other people.  These include the outward or observable signs that let us know if someone is a possible threat or not as well as the subtle signs that tap into our intuition or ‘gut’.  The ability to know who we can and cannot trust develops through our interactions/experiences with others.  The cement wall prevents those interactions from taking place and significantly diminishes our ability to ‘read’ people. We are then left more vulnerable to exactly those hurts and disappointments we are trying to avoid.

Maybe we are in a relationship that has become ‘stuck’ and unable to move toward deeper emotional connection.  We can begin to be honest about our fears/anxieties to ourselves and/or someone we do trust.  For some, it is necessary to speak to a professional counselor or spiritual advisor in order to work on fear that is rooted in past, painful relationship experiences.

In the next chapter, we will explore the picket fence, another type of unhealthy boundary which prevents us from getting our needs met.

 

An Exercise in Being Young at Heart

“And if you should survive to a hundred and five
Look at all you'll derive out of bein' alive
And here is the best part, you have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart.”

-        Song Lyrics by Frank Sinatra & Charles Aznavour

As the end of August draws near, some of us may be feeling like a balloon deflating, wondering, “how did the summer go by so fast?”  This often contrasts significantly with our childhood experience of summer when the days seemed longer, the weeks extended far into the future, and the last day of summer wasn’t even a blip on our radar. 

Become more in-tune with the natural child part of yourself.  That little person is still alive inside all of us.  Some of us are better able to access him/her than others, but this part does exist, whether it is hidden at the core of you, partially visible, or present on a daily basis  

Let your mind float back to an earlier time, see yourself in your mind’s eye at a particular age- go back gradually-see yourself at age 12, 10, 8, 6, etc. as far back as you can.  Take a look at some photos of your younger self.  As you float back, remember the things that were special to you- a toy, article of clothing, artistic creation, book, etc.  Consider why it was special and how you took care of it.  Apply the same care and positive energy to all of your adult needs - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual - by doing the following:

·         Be attentive/ Focus your energy

·         Be gentle and use care

·         Protect from harm

·         Mend what needs fixing

·         Replace lost parts with something new & different

·         Share with those you trust                                                        

·         Allow for some ‘wear & tear’

One of the most important elements to be conscious of is our natural child’s ability to be fully present- letting go of distractions, past regrets, and future worries.  When you are able to hold an image of that little person, at whatever age, in your mind’s eye, it may help to engage in a breathing exercise. 

The following steps describe, what is called in yoga, the three-part breath:

1.      This deep breathing technique can be done either sitting or lying flat.

2.      Close your eyes and place one palm on the area just below your belly button, and one the palm of the other hand on the center of your chest.

3.      Breathe in through your nose with your mouth closed.

4.      As you breathe in, extend your stomach, feeling the expansion with your palm.  

5.      Pause for half a second, then take another breath through your nose, feeling your your rib cage and diaphragm expand.  

6.      Pause your breath and inhale again, this time from your upper chest. You may feel some movement in your shoulders.

7.      Exhale as if you are blowing through a straw, nice and slow, and be aware of the sound of your breath.

May we all find the time and motivation to honor that little child inside of us and experience feelings of calm, creativity, and passion for living.

 

 

 

Boundaries with Difficult People

We have probably all had our fair share of dealings with over-bearing, critical, and self-absorbed individuals. We may try our hardest to understand and empathize with them, but often fail, not because we are flawed in any way, but because it is difficult to see the ‘good parts’ hidden beneath their difficult exteriors. We know we have crossed the path of a difficult person when we experience the following:

A sense of being invisible in a conversation/situation

An immediate need for space/privacy

A sense of being attacked

The need to yell in order to be heard

Shock/confusion

In order to interact with these individuals in a way that maintains our own emotional balance, self-respect, and sense of control, we need to know that it is All About Boundaries. The question is: How much of the other person are we willing to allow into our physical, emotional, and spiritual space.  Only we, ourselves, can know our level of tolerance.

When setting boundaries it helps to consider the following:

Enlist help-  If the difficult person is someone we share a long history with, fails to tone down his/her behavior, even in the presence of others, or happens to push that especially sensitive button for us, we may need to ask for the help of someone we trust and who agrees to lend support.  For example, we might enlist help by meeting/speaking with the person prior to the upcoming interaction and create a ‘plan’.  A cell phone can be a helpful tool.  We can text the person, while in the situation, with an agreed-upon code word/phrase like, ‘Help’, ‘Need you’, or ‘Red Alert’.  This is the cue for our support person to intervene as agreed upon. 

Be super-clear and direct- While the commonly suggested phrase, “I am not comfortable with….” sounds clear, direct, and very adult, this may not register with a difficult person.  More often than not, a resounding ‘no’ is all that will do.  How we say something is just as important as what we say.  We may want to ‘try on’ various ways of delivering our ‘no’. It can help to practice with others before interacting with our difficult person.  If that word just feels too aggressive for us, we can try:  ‘I am unable to do that, help with that, participate, etc.’; ‘That absolutely does not work for me.’

Answer with a question-  We do not have to be put on the defensive and explain ourselves when dealing with a difficult person.  It is important to throw the ball back into the other person’s court.  We can answer a question with a question like:  ‘Why do you ask?’; ‘What makes you ask that?’;  ‘Are you uncomfortable with that?’

Difficult people can cause us to feel drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It is necessary to truly take care of ourselves prior to an encounter, if possible, and certainly after the encounter if we feel out of sorts.  We need to be gentle with ourselves, try not to judge our efforts, and remind ourselves that regardless of the outcome, an interaction is just an opportunity to know ourselves better.

May we practice healthy boundary-setting in relationships with those we find most challenging.

How Self-Care Leads to Self-Discovery

Self-care is an essential element of self-discovery. A large part of self-care is engaging in activities that interest and inspire us.  These activities may utilize our skills, talents, knowledge, and values.  Just taking a risk to try something new demonstrates a degree of courage and the willingness to learn.  Some of us may feel unmotivated and ‘stuck’ in a rut of daily tasks to get through.  Others of us may have been taught that hobbies are for the young and do not reflect adult behavior.  Still others may believe there is nothing that will interest them and/or do not remember ever having a specific hobby/interest in life. 

So, how do we find activities that interest us? 

Here are some helpful guidelines:

1.       Be okay with not knowing. You do not have to be sure you are truly interested in an activity before you decide to pursue it. You can remind yourself that the purpose of pursuing it is to discover whether it is interesting/inspiring.  It is important to develop patience with yourself.  It may take several tries before finding an activity that suits you.

2.       Revisit the past. It can be helpful to think about what you spent most of your time doing as a child, preferably before the age of 6.  The goal behind this is to reconnect with the true self at a time when you were less preoccupied with self-judgment and societal norms that become firmly planted in our consciousness by school age.  These are norms which tell us things like:  such and such is a boy’s activity and vice versa or the other girls in your school are learning this, so you will, too or your sibling was good at this, you will be as well.

It can be natural to overlook an activity, thinking it is ‘silly’ or cannot possibly have relevance to adult life, however, when we look beyond the obvious, we find that any activity can have value on our path to self-discovery.  Ask the following as it relates to a childhood interest:

·         Is it a group/team or lone activity?

·         In what environment does it take place?  (outdoors, indoors, stage, noisy, quiet)

·         What type of energy does it primarily utilize?  Physical, Mental, or Emotional

·         What talents/skills does it help to develop? Visual (drawing, painting, arranging elements in a pleasing way) Kinesthetic (dancing, sports) Auditory ( playing, listening, creating music) Logical (puzzles, legos, mazes, strategy games) Language (reading, writing, word games)

A good example of reconnecting with a childhood interest involves a young man who would, as a child, spend hours at a time arranging action figures for various battles, ‘peace talks’, etc.  This evolved into an interest in action movies, then an interest in the behind-the-scenes process of film-making which ultimately led to a career in directing.  This career utilizes the ability to ‘arrange’ actors, scenery, and dialogue.  Another example is a young woman who, as a child, would ‘play house’ for hours with others and develop elaborate storylines about each pretend family member.  This ability/interest evolved into the activity of story-writing.

3.       Let go of being good at something. You can experience benefits from an activity just by engaging in the process itself, regardless of the outcome.  When you are too focused on doing it right or being the best, you can miss an opportunity to feel relaxed, fully present, tuned in to your body, and inspired.

May we all find the motivation to continue on our path of self-discovery, celebrating the process of our seeking rather than the end result only.

Letting Go of Magical Thinking

Along with the holiday season comes music, stories, traditions, and advertisements centered around the idea of magic.  It is a time when people, especially children, can be filled with wonder and appreciation for the good deeds and caring of others, whether in our own small section of the world or within the broader community of life.  This kind of magical thinking is what can get us through the dark, cold winter months as well as the difficulties we face throughout the year.  However, there is another form of magical thinking which can get us stuck in our lives and relationships. 

Our same ability to believe in ‘magic’ may have been used by us as children facing a crisis, trauma, or chronic stress.  Children are, essentially, powerless, relying on the adults around them.  When these adults end up being in crisis or chaos, a child’s fear and confusion can become so overwhelming that he/she attempts to gain control the only way possible- through his/her own thoughts.  Through the use of ‘magical thinking’, a child believes that he/she can control when good/bad things happen.  This is demonstrated when a child becomes angry with a parent and in that instant the thought arises- ‘ I wish he/she wasn’t my mom/dad.’  If something unfortunate happens to that parent later on, the child often believes he/she caused it to occur because of ‘bad’ thoughts.

Another way this is demonstrated is when a child must face a scary situation, like going to the dentist or getting a shot at the doctor.  If the parent is struggling, in crisis, or just does not have the knowledge or tools to soothe and comfort, the child will instinctively do something with his/her feelings of anxiety.  Through ‘magical thinking’, the child builds the scenario up in his/her mind, imagining the worst, hoping deep down that this will actually make the experience/outcome less awful.

As adults, ‘magical thinking’ often comes into play when we think over and over that something bad will happen with the hope that the opposite will occur.  Later on we can tell ourselves, “see, it really wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated.”  In a way, it gives us a sense that we are preparing for the worst.  This perpetuates a scenario in which we enter uncomfortable/frightening situations from a place of consistent anxiety and disempowerment. 

In truth, rather than decreasing our anxiety, ‘magical thinking’ actually maintains a feeling of anxiety over issues beyond our control.  The constant thinking can preoccupy us and prevent us from attending to the tasks at hand.  Realistically, there is no ‘magic’ to our thoughts and, ultimately, we end up feeling physically and emotionally drained, which, in turn, makes us more susceptible to symptoms of anxiety.

We can empower ourselves and increase our resiliency, the ability to bounce back from difficulties, by identifying and working with our FEELINGS, rather than focusing mainly on our thoughts.  Our thoughts often distract us from our true emotions.  Emotions occur within our bodies, therefore, engaging in an exercise which brings awareness to the body is most helpful. 

Here is a deep breathing and visualization exercise that can be helpful:

CLOSE your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest.  BREATHE in through your nose with your mouth closed.  As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms.  Hold for 3-5 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  LISTEN to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract.  Repeat a few full sets and, when comfortable, add visualization.  As you breathe in, VISUALIZE clear, (or choose a color you connect with healing), cleansing air filling your lungs.  As you hold for the count of 3-5, imagine this air swirling or bubbling within you and mixing with the anxious energy.  Try to give this energy a color that you associate with anxiety/fear.  Then, as you blow out see, in your mind’s eye, the anxiety as air moving upward from your lungs, into your throat, your mouth, and out of your body as you blow it into the atmosphere.

It may take a few tries before we feel comfortable engaging in a relaxation exercise, however, there is no way to get it ‘wrong’.  We can do what feels right to us and keep in mind that, even though magical thinking is familiar, it is not truly helpful.

May we let go of those habits that do not  benefit us and find peace and fulfillment this holiday season.