Boundaries with Difficult People

We have probably all had our fair share of dealings with over-bearing, critical, and self-absorbed individuals. We may try our hardest to understand and empathize with them, but often fail, not because we are flawed in any way, but because it is difficult to see the ‘good parts’ hidden beneath their difficult exteriors. We know we have crossed the path of a difficult person when we experience the following:

A sense of being invisible in a conversation/situation

An immediate need for space/privacy

A sense of being attacked

The need to yell in order to be heard

Shock/confusion

In order to interact with these individuals in a way that maintains our own emotional balance, self-respect, and sense of control, we need to know that it is All About Boundaries. The question is: How much of the other person are we willing to allow into our physical, emotional, and spiritual space.  Only we, ourselves, can know our level of tolerance.

When setting boundaries it helps to consider the following:

Enlist help-  If the difficult person is someone we share a long history with, fails to tone down his/her behavior, even in the presence of others, or happens to push that especially sensitive button for us, we may need to ask for the help of someone we trust and who agrees to lend support.  For example, we might enlist help by meeting/speaking with the person prior to the upcoming interaction and create a ‘plan’.  A cell phone can be a helpful tool.  We can text the person, while in the situation, with an agreed-upon code word/phrase like, ‘Help’, ‘Need you’, or ‘Red Alert’.  This is the cue for our support person to intervene as agreed upon. 

Be super-clear and direct- While the commonly suggested phrase, “I am not comfortable with….” sounds clear, direct, and very adult, this may not register with a difficult person.  More often than not, a resounding ‘no’ is all that will do.  How we say something is just as important as what we say.  We may want to ‘try on’ various ways of delivering our ‘no’. It can help to practice with others before interacting with our difficult person.  If that word just feels too aggressive for us, we can try:  ‘I am unable to do that, help with that, participate, etc.’; ‘That absolutely does not work for me.’

Answer with a question-  We do not have to be put on the defensive and explain ourselves when dealing with a difficult person.  It is important to throw the ball back into the other person’s court.  We can answer a question with a question like:  ‘Why do you ask?’; ‘What makes you ask that?’;  ‘Are you uncomfortable with that?’

Difficult people can cause us to feel drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It is necessary to truly take care of ourselves prior to an encounter, if possible, and certainly after the encounter if we feel out of sorts.  We need to be gentle with ourselves, try not to judge our efforts, and remind ourselves that regardless of the outcome, an interaction is just an opportunity to know ourselves better.

May we practice healthy boundary-setting in relationships with those we find most challenging.

How Self-Care Leads to Self-Discovery

Self-care is an essential element of self-discovery. A large part of self-care is engaging in activities that interest and inspire us.  These activities may utilize our skills, talents, knowledge, and values.  Just taking a risk to try something new demonstrates a degree of courage and the willingness to learn.  Some of us may feel unmotivated and ‘stuck’ in a rut of daily tasks to get through.  Others of us may have been taught that hobbies are for the young and do not reflect adult behavior.  Still others may believe there is nothing that will interest them and/or do not remember ever having a specific hobby/interest in life. 

So, how do we find activities that interest us? 

Here are some helpful guidelines:

1.       Be okay with not knowing. You do not have to be sure you are truly interested in an activity before you decide to pursue it. You can remind yourself that the purpose of pursuing it is to discover whether it is interesting/inspiring.  It is important to develop patience with yourself.  It may take several tries before finding an activity that suits you.

2.       Revisit the past. It can be helpful to think about what you spent most of your time doing as a child, preferably before the age of 6.  The goal behind this is to reconnect with the true self at a time when you were less preoccupied with self-judgment and societal norms that become firmly planted in our consciousness by school age.  These are norms which tell us things like:  such and such is a boy’s activity and vice versa or the other girls in your school are learning this, so you will, too or your sibling was good at this, you will be as well.

It can be natural to overlook an activity, thinking it is ‘silly’ or cannot possibly have relevance to adult life, however, when we look beyond the obvious, we find that any activity can have value on our path to self-discovery.  Ask the following as it relates to a childhood interest:

·         Is it a group/team or lone activity?

·         In what environment does it take place?  (outdoors, indoors, stage, noisy, quiet)

·         What type of energy does it primarily utilize?  Physical, Mental, or Emotional

·         What talents/skills does it help to develop? Visual (drawing, painting, arranging elements in a pleasing way) Kinesthetic (dancing, sports) Auditory ( playing, listening, creating music) Logical (puzzles, legos, mazes, strategy games) Language (reading, writing, word games)

A good example of reconnecting with a childhood interest involves a young man who would, as a child, spend hours at a time arranging action figures for various battles, ‘peace talks’, etc.  This evolved into an interest in action movies, then an interest in the behind-the-scenes process of film-making which ultimately led to a career in directing.  This career utilizes the ability to ‘arrange’ actors, scenery, and dialogue.  Another example is a young woman who, as a child, would ‘play house’ for hours with others and develop elaborate storylines about each pretend family member.  This ability/interest evolved into the activity of story-writing.

3.       Let go of being good at something. You can experience benefits from an activity just by engaging in the process itself, regardless of the outcome.  When you are too focused on doing it right or being the best, you can miss an opportunity to feel relaxed, fully present, tuned in to your body, and inspired.

May we all find the motivation to continue on our path of self-discovery, celebrating the process of our seeking rather than the end result only.

Letting Go of Magical Thinking

Along with the holiday season comes music, stories, traditions, and advertisements centered around the idea of magic.  It is a time when people, especially children, can be filled with wonder and appreciation for the good deeds and caring of others, whether in our own small section of the world or within the broader community of life.  This kind of magical thinking is what can get us through the dark, cold winter months as well as the difficulties we face throughout the year.  However, there is another form of magical thinking which can get us stuck in our lives and relationships. 

Our same ability to believe in ‘magic’ may have been used by us as children facing a crisis, trauma, or chronic stress.  Children are, essentially, powerless, relying on the adults around them.  When these adults end up being in crisis or chaos, a child’s fear and confusion can become so overwhelming that he/she attempts to gain control the only way possible- through his/her own thoughts.  Through the use of ‘magical thinking’, a child believes that he/she can control when good/bad things happen.  This is demonstrated when a child becomes angry with a parent and in that instant the thought arises- ‘ I wish he/she wasn’t my mom/dad.’  If something unfortunate happens to that parent later on, the child often believes he/she caused it to occur because of ‘bad’ thoughts.

Another way this is demonstrated is when a child must face a scary situation, like going to the dentist or getting a shot at the doctor.  If the parent is struggling, in crisis, or just does not have the knowledge or tools to soothe and comfort, the child will instinctively do something with his/her feelings of anxiety.  Through ‘magical thinking’, the child builds the scenario up in his/her mind, imagining the worst, hoping deep down that this will actually make the experience/outcome less awful.

As adults, ‘magical thinking’ often comes into play when we think over and over that something bad will happen with the hope that the opposite will occur.  Later on we can tell ourselves, “see, it really wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated.”  In a way, it gives us a sense that we are preparing for the worst.  This perpetuates a scenario in which we enter uncomfortable/frightening situations from a place of consistent anxiety and disempowerment. 

In truth, rather than decreasing our anxiety, ‘magical thinking’ actually maintains a feeling of anxiety over issues beyond our control.  The constant thinking can preoccupy us and prevent us from attending to the tasks at hand.  Realistically, there is no ‘magic’ to our thoughts and, ultimately, we end up feeling physically and emotionally drained, which, in turn, makes us more susceptible to symptoms of anxiety.

We can empower ourselves and increase our resiliency, the ability to bounce back from difficulties, by identifying and working with our FEELINGS, rather than focusing mainly on our thoughts.  Our thoughts often distract us from our true emotions.  Emotions occur within our bodies, therefore, engaging in an exercise which brings awareness to the body is most helpful. 

Here is a deep breathing and visualization exercise that can be helpful:

CLOSE your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest.  BREATHE in through your nose with your mouth closed.  As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms.  Hold for 3-5 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  LISTEN to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract.  Repeat a few full sets and, when comfortable, add visualization.  As you breathe in, VISUALIZE clear, (or choose a color you connect with healing), cleansing air filling your lungs.  As you hold for the count of 3-5, imagine this air swirling or bubbling within you and mixing with the anxious energy.  Try to give this energy a color that you associate with anxiety/fear.  Then, as you blow out see, in your mind’s eye, the anxiety as air moving upward from your lungs, into your throat, your mouth, and out of your body as you blow it into the atmosphere.

It may take a few tries before we feel comfortable engaging in a relaxation exercise, however, there is no way to get it ‘wrong’.  We can do what feels right to us and keep in mind that, even though magical thinking is familiar, it is not truly helpful.

May we let go of those habits that do not  benefit us and find peace and fulfillment this holiday season.

 

Speaking our Truth

"Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world".

-          Gautama Buddha

When we speak our truth without intent to control, change, or manipulate someone else, we are honoring ourselves and others.  Each one of us has a voice. For some, it is quiet and not often heard, for others it is frequent and deafening at times.  Finding a balance between the two can be challenging, therefore, speaking our truth is both an art and a skill.

The following can be helpful in developing the ability to speak our truth:

Know Your Gut-  Before we can speak our truth, we need to first know what that is.  The body never lies.  It speaks to us if we are able to stop and listen.  Some people literally feel the truth in their gut, some feel it in another part of the body, like the area around the heart.  Many people feel it in their jaw muscles and throat.  We can lay down or sit with our back straight and scan our body.  With eyes closed, we start at the top of the head and work our way down, noticing any sensations;  tightness, discomfort, heaviness. These sensations can be our body’s way of saying that something needs to be voiced.  The body often holds on to the truth until we are able to ‘get it out’ and put it into words.  It is important to note that speaking our truth can be achieved through the written word as well.

Utilize ‘I’ Statements- Our words of truth need to be expressed in a healthy way that demonstrates self-respect and respect for others.  Words of truth do not blame, criticize, or shame other people. They reflect our own thoughts and feelings ONLY.  For example, rather than saying, “You are always doing things that make me feel unwanted” one can say, “I feel unwanted when you answer your phone while I am speaking.”  Not only does the latter statement utilize “I”, it also gives specific information about the circumstance.  This prevents confusion and leaves little room for interpretation.  It is clear and direct.

Let Go of Expectations-  We can remind ourselves that our primary purpose is to put our truth out there without expecting anything in return.  The other person may not be able to respond in kind and that is okay.  If we keep the focus on ourselves, we can then experience the sense of freedom and empowerment that comes from using our voice in a kind and purposeful way.

Allow Distance-  It is important to give someone else the time and space to process our words of truth.  We may want the other person to respond/react to what we have shared right in that moment.  Each brain is different and some brains need more time and space than others to process information, especially if the information triggers strong emotion or is unfamiliar.  A good reminder of this is the phrase:  “Sleep on it.”  If it is one of the first times we have decided to speak our truth, the other person may not know what to do with it in the moment.  Both individuals are sharing in a new experience and may need time to incorporate a truth into what they already know about one other.  In the long run, this will foster healing for both parties.

May we all find our own truths, the courage to voice them, and the willingness to embrace freedom.

What's the Message? Part 3- Feeding the Brain Positive Messages

While it is important to limit the negative messages our brain takes in (as discussed in Part 2), it is equally important to ensure that positive information is getting in there as well.

Here are some practices we can incorporate into our daily routine:

A Positive start – Before heading out in the morning or starting on the day’s tasks, carve out a 10-15 minute block of time.  In that time, engage in a mindfulness exercise (see the previous chapter) or a relaxation practice like the one below:  

·         Close your eyes and place both palms on your diaphragm, the space between your stomach and chest. 

·         Breathe in through your nose with your mouth closed.

·         As you breathe in, extend/push out your diaphragm, feeling the expansion with your palms.

·         Hold for 3 seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.

·         Listen to your breath as you release it, and notice your diaphragm contract.

·         After exhalation and before you take another deep breath, repeat an affirmation to yourself.  It can be a single word, phrase, or sentence that motivates and inspires you.

The codependent’s prayer can be used as an affirmation to start the day:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,

Courage to change the person I can,

And the wisdom to know that is me.”

A Positive end-  At day’s end, our brain gets ready to process our experiences.  It can be helpful to write down the day’s events, unresolved issues, and any information acquired.  Journaling is a way to ‘sweep out’ residue from the day’s experiences.  This enables us to sleep with a clear head.  Once we have done this, we can ‘feed’ our brains positive/peaceful or neutral (does not trigger good/bad feelings) information just prior to falling asleep.  This can be achieved by looking through a collection of peaceful images, reading words of inspiration, engaging in a meditation like the one just mentioned, or listening to sounds/music that create calm or trigger the memory of a pleasing experience.  Sounds of the ocean, rainfall, or forest, can be found on audio cd or in certain apps.  Since there is a large amount of ‘data’ out there that is negative and, even, frightening it makes sense that many people today struggle with sleep disturbances, such as recurring nightmares, intermittent sleep, and insomnia. Go to www.cdc.gov/features/dssleep/index.html#References for more information. 

May this blog be the inspiration to experience life more fully by creating a more positive mindset.