Emotional Abandonment- Part 3- Self-Criticism

We may be striving for perfection in ourselves in order to avoid upsetting other people.  In addition, when someone we care about expresses disapproval or disappointment in our actions, we may feel so anxious about being emotionally abandoned that we channel the feeling into self-criticism.  It is as if we are agreeing with the person who ‘abandoned’ us in order to stay connected to him/her. Unfortunately, ‘beating’ ourselves up on a consistent basis interferes with our self-esteem, our sense of competence, and our ability to learn and grow from life experiences.

It is really about finding balance in relationships.  We need to acknowledge and reinforce our separateness from others while also acknowledging our connectedness.  When we recognize that we can be in a relationship and still maintain our sense of self, we can then tolerate differences between us and the other person.  If he/she sees us in a critical light, we can allow the other person to think/feel the way they do, but not take it in and/or adopt the same thoughts or feelings and, essentially, still feel good about ourselves.  When we have a firm sense of self, we are better able to utilize the other person’s input as constructive criticism without reacting and taking it too personally.  

Accepting other people’s views/opinions as constructive criticism is difficult if we are striving for perfection.  It can be freeing to acknowledge that we are all human and that our purpose here is to grow and learn from our experiences and from other people.  It is important to explore the source of the standard of perfection by which we judge ourselves.

We can ask ourselves:

• From whom is this critical message coming from?

• Does the message increase a feeling of confidence in my abilities or create doubt?

• Does the message help me to ‘bounce back’ easily from perceived mistakes?

• Can I think up a message that challenges the criticism in a logical/rational way?

Part of developing a sense of self is to learn how to honor and nurture that self, which is our  own responsibility.  Rather than focusing on feeling ‘abandoned’ by another person, we can ask ourselves, ‘Am I abandoning my own self?’  When we are overly critical of ourselves, we are actually abandoning that self which makes up our core being- the source for feeling centered and at peace.

Next week, we will explore healthy options for meeting our needs in relationships.