Emotional Abandonment-Part 2- Unhealthy Responses to Conflict

When disagreements arise our anxiety about being emotionally abandoned is often triggered.  It is important to consider the way in which we react to the conflict, which can help us to resolve the current issue or expand the problem, resulting in a full-blown relationship crisis.

HERE ARE SOME UNHEALTHY RESPONSES TO CONFLICT:

Engaging in a verbal tennis match- This back/forth dialogue is often made up of accusations, counterattacks, defensive statements, and, even name-calling.  Even though the other person is ready and willing to engage in a ‘match’, we do not have to participate.  We have a choice.  Anxiety often overwhelms our ability to think rationally and it is difficult to even recognize that we have a choice.  We need to practice, practice, practice.  We can begin by increasing our awareness.  

Once we can identify that a ‘match’ is taking place or is about to, we can try the following tactics:

·         Close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and acknowledge any feelings of anxiety while in the situation.  Take an inventory of your body, focusing on those areas most likely to hold stress like the neck/shoulders, lower back and buttocks.

·         Literally, sit back or step back, and refrain from saying anything in response to the other person.

·         When there is a pause from the other person, state in a calm (you can fake it) and low tone of voice, “I would like to discuss this in a calm and helpful way.  Do you feel this is possible right now?” If there is no pause from the other person, inform him/her that you will discuss this at another time and walk away, hang the phone up, remove yourself from the situation.

Giving in to Compulsive Behaviors- When someone is unhappy with us, we may experience a feeling of urgency that drives us to do something to ‘fix’ the conflict. We may make repeated attempts to contact that person through phone calls, text messages, or emails and continue to do so, even though he/she is not responding.  We may contact other people to discuss the conflict and go over the situation multiple times with multiple listeners.  These behaviors not only drain us and leave us feeling helpless, but often interfere with our responsibilities at home, work, and school.  Even though we may feel driven to make things better, we do have a choice. 

Once we can identify these repetitive behaviors, we can try the following approach:

·         Create a ‘stop sign’ and post this in areas you frequently occupy.

·         The stop sign is your cue to refrain from taking any action and engage in a time-out.

·         While in time-out,  refocus the thoughts that compel you to repeat a behavior.  Do this by closing your eyes and repeating an affirmation out loud or in your mind. 

** Here are some affirmations that might help:

Think.

Don’t just do something, sit there.

Things that are important are rarely urgent and things that are urgent are rarely important.
**Adapted from the Al-Anon Family Groups literature