Emotional Abandonment-Part 1- People-pleasing Behaviors

Hidden behind our need/desire to constantly please others is often an overwhelming feeling of anxiety.  This anxiety is the fear that other people will abandon us if we disappoint, upset, or anger them.  When we experience a sense of emotional abandonment, we feel that another person does not love/like us anymore.  While we can strive to keep someone else happy, there is a high price- the breakdown of our identity and self-worth.

HERE ARE SOME SCENARIOS IN WHICH PEOPLE-PLEASERS OFTEN ENGAGE:

• Agreeing to lend someone money or belongings when that person has not demonstrated ability or desire to return it in a timely manner, in original condition, or at all.  This causes us feelings of anger, which we are able to recognize, but agree despite them.
• Agreeing to engage in an activity/function that we have felt uncomfortable with in the past, but continue to do so despite our feelings.
• Agreeing to take on responsibilities/tasks that do not belong to us and which the other person is capable of performing.  We agree to do it despite our feelings of annoyance and confusion.

An extremely important element to consider in all of the above circumstances is the inability to act on our own intuition- agreeing despite what we know and feel.  People-pleasers are intelligent beings, able to recognize the problematic areas in their relationships, however, anxiety about being rejected by other people often overrides their better judgment.  

In order to maintain our own identity and self-worth in relationships, it is essential to listen to our intuitive abilities (our ‘gut reaction’) and to honor our feelings.  Uncomfortable feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment provide us with information about whether a situation ‘fits’ with our own needs/wants.  Helping others in itself is not bad.  It can demonstrate genuine care and heart-felt generosity, but becomes unhealthy when a pattern develops in which we consistently help others at the expense of our own needs and wants.  

In the next chapter we will explore our own responses to conflict in relationships.

Feel free to share your own struggles with people-pleasing by posting a comment below.