Emotional Abandonment-Part 1- People-pleasing Behaviors

Hidden behind our need/desire to constantly please others is often an overwhelming feeling of anxiety.  This anxiety is the fear that other people will abandon us if we disappoint, upset, or anger them.  When we experience a sense of emotional abandonment, we feel that another person does not love/like us anymore.  While we can strive to keep someone else happy, there is a high price- the breakdown of our identity and self-worth.

HERE ARE SOME SCENARIOS IN WHICH PEOPLE-PLEASERS OFTEN ENGAGE:

• Agreeing to lend someone money or belongings when that person has not demonstrated ability or desire to return it in a timely manner, in original condition, or at all.  This causes us feelings of anger, which we are able to recognize, but agree despite them.
• Agreeing to engage in an activity/function that we have felt uncomfortable with in the past, but continue to do so despite our feelings.
• Agreeing to take on responsibilities/tasks that do not belong to us and which the other person is capable of performing.  We agree to do it despite our feelings of annoyance and confusion.

An extremely important element to consider in all of the above circumstances is the inability to act on our own intuition- agreeing despite what we know and feel.  People-pleasers are intelligent beings, able to recognize the problematic areas in their relationships, however, anxiety about being rejected by other people often overrides their better judgment.  

In order to maintain our own identity and self-worth in relationships, it is essential to listen to our intuitive abilities (our ‘gut reaction’) and to honor our feelings.  Uncomfortable feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment provide us with information about whether a situation ‘fits’ with our own needs/wants.  Helping others in itself is not bad.  It can demonstrate genuine care and heart-felt generosity, but becomes unhealthy when a pattern develops in which we consistently help others at the expense of our own needs and wants.  

In the next chapter we will explore our own responses to conflict in relationships.

Feel free to share your own struggles with people-pleasing by posting a comment below.

Emotional Abandonment-Introduction

I briefly touched upon the topic of emotional abandonment in a previous blog and received much interest and feelings of connection from readers.  In the next few weeks, we will explore our fear of abandonment in relationships in more detail and address the following:

• People-pleasing behaviors
• Unhealthy responses to conflict
• Self-Criticism
• Healthy Options

Next week, we will explore our tendency to help others at the expense of our own needs.

Accepting We Are Not Perfect- Part 3- Developing Resiliency

Our progress, as humans, moves in a spiral, not a straight line.  This means that, as we move upward and onward, we are also returning back to similar points of opportunity/challenge.  Through these opportunities we are able to learn about ourselves and the world and, ultimately, grow as individuals.  It is important to recognize that in order to grow we need to ‘bounce back’ from whatever experiences we encounter, to be resilient, otherwise we remain ‘stuck’ at one point, continually rotating around and around without actually moving upward on our spiral of progress.

One way to develop resiliency is to practice nurturing ourselves. Sometimes it is easier to forgive, encourage, and support other people than it is to do for ourselves.

 Here are some important points to consider in developing our own resiliency:

1.       It is helpful to accept that we are imperfect.  This means we, as humans, are filled with possibility and creative problem-solving talents.  We can tell ourselves that we are ‘normal’, the way nature intended us to be.  We have been given the ability to change how we think and feel, not because we are already perfectly put together, but because we need to grow and progress as individuals.

2.       It is important to know when we are recognizing room for improvement  vs. ‘beating’ ourselves up about perceived mistakes.  When an experience does not turn out the way we had hoped, we often blame ourselves, ignoring all of the other variables involved or placing more value on our own actions. 

3.       How we view the past can either help or hinder our resiliency.  It is helpful to look back on the healthy risks we have already taken, focusing on the process as well as the outcome, and identifying something we have learned about ourselves or others from the experience.  We can then ‘collect’ these opportunities for growth in our mind or write them down in a journal and refer to them when a new opportunity arises to take a healthy risk.  It can reinforce the value of all experiences regardless of the outcome.

4.       Our ability to accept whatever feelings arise in a situation can increase our resiliency.  It is important not to judge our emotions, labeling them ‘good / bad’ or telling ourselves what we ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be feeling.  We can experience a feeling, own it, and then let it pass, recognizing that feelings are like the waves of an ocean, rolling in and then always rolling out again with the tide.

Here is a quote from American author and marketer, Elbert Hubbard, an outspoken and unconventional person who pursued his ‘American Dream’ in the late 19^th century:

“The greatest mistake in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”

May we continue to take healthy risks, be open to the process of learning, and embrace all of the possibilities in our lives.

Accepting We Are Not Perfect- Part 2- Using Specific Tools

Striving for perfection can cause us to avoid taking risks and making changes in our lives.  When we decide to take a risk, uncertainty about our abilities and the outcome can trigger anxious feelings.  We may anticipate negative results and attribute them to our own lack of competence. 

The following tools can help to decrease some of our anxiety and maintain confidence in our abilities:

Develop a Plan-  It can be helpful to work ‘with’ our anxieties, letting them motivate us to develop possible scenarios that may result from our actions.  A person can start with a ‘Plan A’, which illustrates the best, most ideal outcome.  If we have worked on our expectations, then we know that we have limited power, and therefore, cannot control every variable in a situation or relationship.  Therefore, we need to create a ‘Plan B’, which illustrates a less than ideal outcome, but one that may possibly occur.  A particularly creative and insightful person may be able to develop multiple plans beyond A or B.  Write them down or discuss them with someone you trust.

Create a Support Network- It is important to have a ‘go to’ person or group of people who are able to listen without judgment or advice-giving and help us remain encouraged in our desire to take a risk.  When we are in a relationship with someone, who we know in our heart will accept us and continue to be connected to us regardless of our imperfections, it boosts our self-confidence and helps us deal more effectively with the outcome of our actions.

Commit to an Affirmation-  Before we begin taking action, it can be helpful to seek out or create for oneself an affirmation that will encourage us and tap into our talents, skills, abilities.  It can be one or two sentences or one or two words.  Place this affirmation in several areas that are part of your daily routine, such as, the car, the bathroom, the refrigerator, or the place where you leave your keys every night.  What we think affects how we feel, so we want to be sure we are counteracting any negative, self-defeating thoughts about our abilities and our desires.

Feelings Are Not Facts-  This concept can free us up enough to create positive thoughts.  It is important to recognize that we are capable of experiencing a wide range of feelings that come and go.  Feelings, by definition, are irrational.  They do not always make sense, therefore, we can feel like something is going to turn out badly or that we are incapable of handling life effectively, but that does not make it is so. 

In the next chapter, we will explore the ability to ‘bounce back’ from our experiences and gain resiliency.

Accepting We Are Not Perfect- Part 1-Redefining Mistakes

In working with individuals struggling with a variety of issues and challenges, I am consistently reminded that the specific situation has importance, however, how a person perceives it and what he/she ‘does’ with the experience is much more crucial in the healing process. Many of us approach challenges with certain expectations and any outcome that falls short of those expectations we view as a ‘mistake’.  When we react to experiences in this way, we deny ourselves the opportunity to learn which prevents progress in our lives. 

HERE ARE SOME IDEAS TO HELP US REDEFINE MISTAKES AND GET UNSTUCK:

Look at the Big Picture- It can be helpful to broaden our perspective in a situation.  Whatever challenge we are facing or have faced, regardless of the outcome, is simply one small stepping stone in a sea of challenges that make up our lifetime.  What might seem to be a monumental disappointment in the present often loses some degree of upset over time.

Value the Obvious-  It is important to consider all of our current abilities, really recognizing the most obvious, like walking, speaking, writing sentences, calculating basic math, using a computer.  Not one of us were born knowing how to do these things.  It may be difficult to remember, but all of it required learning and the process, most likely, took time, effort, making ‘mistakes’, and then trying again.

Tap into Creativity- It is helpful to consider that many artists, inventors, and scientists accomplish breakthroughs and discoveries in their fields through trial and error and working with ‘mistakes’.  A perceived mistake can actually be a new way of doing something. Some very positive and lasting changes have been ‘accidental’.  Researching some of these changes can help us to redefine  our own ‘accidents’.  Consider Christopher Columbus’ plan to discover a trade route to the East Indies, which resulted in the discovery of the North American continent by ‘mistake’.  For more interesting discoveries, you can visit www.science.discovery.com and search for the ‘top ten accidental discoveries’.

In the next chapter we will explore tools that can help us to take healthy risks and embrace opportunities for learning.