Toxic Stress in Relationships

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment.  There is a hidden meaning behind all events and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”                                              

                                         -          Deepak Chopra

There may be individuals in our lives whom we do not plan to sever ties with, however, their words and actions often cause us great distress.  This distress goes beyond mild annoyance or irritation.  It can actually be toxic to our self-image, feeling of emotional safety, and sense of competency. 

 CHARACTERISTICS OF ‘TOXIC STRESS’ ARE:   

 All-consuming.  We may be able to identify a specific emotion or two that gets triggered by a toxic person, however, the stress seeps into the core self and triggers negative beliefs about who we are.  Examples of these negative beliefs are: ‘I am not lovable’, ‘ I am worthless’, ‘I am weak’, ‘ I am helpless’.   We carry negative beliefs with us into every situation and make decisions, based on these beliefs, about who to trust, what challenges to confront, and whether or not we learn from our experiences.

Physical. The effects of toxic stress are felt severely in the body from migraines and back pain to irritable bowel syndrome and other gastrointestinal maladies.  The physical discomfort serves to distract us from the emotional pain that is triggered by the person toxic to us.  Emotions occur in our bodies before the conscious mind is able to label them. Consider common sayings like, “he is such a pain in the neck” or “she is a pain in the ass” or “I wish he would get off my back.” Ask yourself- How would I describe this toxic stress in bodily terms.

Persistent.  The residue of interactions with a toxic person can remain with us for days, weeks, even months after an encounter.  If we do not explore and work through our emotional distress, eventually it becomes stored in our brain until the next encounter and we end up with a tangled mess of unreleased emotions from all the previous interactions with the person.  When we become triggered, meaning our brain connects our current experience with the previous ones, the ‘mess’ pops out from our emotional ‘junk drawer’.  This toxic stress overwhelms us and compromises our ability to respond in a rational, healthy way.

Setting and maintaining boundaries in a relationship with a person who is toxic to us is the key to preserving our emotional health. The same way we take action to protect our physical health from toxicity in the physical environment, we need to protect our emotional health from toxicity in human relationships.

Consider this scenario:

Your neighbor next door is in the back yard spraying a tree with a toxic pesticide.  Would you walk into your back yard with no face mask, your skin exposed, lean over the fence, and have a conversation with this neighbor?

If it was really necessary to interact with the neighbor, you might take precautions and physically shield your skin, remain a good distance away from the toxicity, or wait until there is a time when it is safer to approach this person.

WHEN IT COMES TO EMOTIONAL TOXICITY YOU CAN:

Take Precautions.  Mentally prepare yourself  or  ‘psych yourself up’  by using some relaxation tools, positive affirmations, identifying any expectations, and even writing down specific statements you can use to set boundaries.

Keep your distance. Consider who else will be present, the location, activity involved, and purpose of the encounter.  Create some distance by having a buffer, someone you trust to run interference for you. 

Most important of all, is to weigh the necessity of interacting with the toxic person, know that you are in charge of your own emotional health, and believe that you have the personal right to choose how much toxicity, if any, you wish to be exposed to.

From a spiritual perspective, it just may be that this toxic person is a gift from the universe, someone most able to trigger an issue that needs to be addressed by you in order to continue on your journey toward healing.  Basically, if your ‘stuff’ doesn’t come to the surface, you can’t work on it.

May we all work toward releasing toxic stress in relationships, setting healthy boundaries, and confronting our emotional triggers.