The Survival Response in Relationships

When you experience a perceived threat, your brain responds involuntarily.  It is the same mechanism that enabled your ancestors to survive thousands of years ago as cavepeople. Within the brain’s limbic system, sometimes referred to as the ‘reptilian brain’, there is something called your amygdala. It controls all of your survival instincts like hunger, thirst, and sexual and maternal urges, and is, therefore, really efficient at detecting threats to your survival. Once a threat is detected, the amygdala sends a signal for the body to get ready to fight, flee, or freeze. Your body experiences actual physical changes as the hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, increase.  You may notice that your respiration quickens, vision narrows, and blood flows away from your organs and out toward your limbs. It is all part of the survival process.

While the physical changes are the same as they were thousands of years of ago, the types of threats  we face have changed significantly.  It is not a saber-toothed tiger coming your way, but a boss who reminds you of your hyper-critical parent or a police officer who has just pulled you over.  When you are experiencing difficulties in relationships, it can be helpful to identify your own primary response to danger.

Fighting is just what it seems to be.  It is moving toward a perceived danger and confronting it.  In an argument, the ‘fighter’ most often looks directly at the other person, asks direct questions, demands answers, raises one’s voice or talks over the person, and moves in an agitated way.

Fleeing is moving away from a threat and attempting to avoid it.  In an argument, the ‘fleer’ most likely avoids eye contact, turns away from the other person or leaves the situation, deflects questions, gives evasive answers, and/or becomes ‘busy’ in some unrelated activity or task.

Freezing is, essentially, shutting down. Like the antelope in the wild, the person ‘plays dead’ until the threat has passed.  The ‘freezer’ most often turns silent, stares into space, shrugs when asked a question, takes on a rigid posture, and is, overall, unresponsive. 

Within the context of relationship, you really need to understand not just your own response to threat, but the other person’s as well so that you can detach in a healthy way and refrain from taking their words and actions personally.  A common situation that occurs in relationships is response escalation.  This is when each person’s initial response becomes further activated by the other’s danger response. It is like a super stressful game of tennis in which the ball is returned with more and more force each time.

For example, two people plan to meet at a specific time for dinner.  One is punctual while the other arrives almost 30 minutes late. Being on time is very important to the first person, therefore, arriving late shows a lack of concern for his/her feelings. This is the perceived threat, anger and anxiety are triggered, and the brain is thrown into a ‘fight’ response.  When the second person shows up, the ‘fighter’ is standing with shoulders back, hands clenched in attack mode. In a loud tone of voice, they demand to know why the person is late and, without allowing the opportunity for a response, goes on about how long they have been waiting, how hungry they are, and how rude, inconsiderate, etc. the other person.  Now, unable to recognize this as an involuntary danger response, the second person becomes anxious. Their brain is thrown into a ‘freeze’ response.  They put their head down, avoid eye contact, and do not verbally respond.  This causes the ‘fighter’ to feel further ignored and offended, so the fight response increases, the ‘freezer’ shuts down even more, and on they go in a tennis match of heightened stress.

So what do you do after identifying your primary response to danger? 

Communicate. Choose a time after the brain has reset and the body’s physical response has subsided.  Sit down with the other person and talk about what triggered one of the three responses and how the brain is wired to ensure our survival.  It can be relieving for both you and the other person to understand that fighting, fleeing, or freezing behaviors are not something you consciously choose in the moment, and, therefore, are not connected to bad intentions.  Consider this French proverb:

“To understand everything is to forgive everything.”

May we all strive for self-awareness with curiosity and an open heart and may our relationships benefit.