Nurturing the Self- Part 3

The Nurturer part of the Self encourages us to rest and slow down, to create space when we feel overwhelmed, to connect when we need support/guidance, and to nourish our bodies.  These elements are essential to well-being, however, there is a function of the Nurturer part that may be less familiar to us.  This is the ability to emotionally self-soothe.  In order to self-soothe we need to have knowledge of what gives us a sense of safety and comfort.  In a healthy, functioning household a child learns this from a primary caretaker who is able to hold us when frightened, kiss our boo-boos, and rub away a stomach ache.  As our sense of self develops we internalize these soothing actions and ‘carry’ this internal caretaker with us as we go through life.  We are then able to access the Nurturer part as an adult and rely upon our own ability to self-soothe.  For those of us who grew up in a less functional family system, we may not have experienced this type of soothing on a consistent basis or at all, and are, therefore,  unable to access this internal Nurturer for soothing.  

This can be especially problematic growing up with family addiction.  The kind of self-soothing shown to us involved using an external object/activity like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, etc. to escape our pain.  Despite this, we can learn and become skilled at self-soothing in a healthy way. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position with feet flat on the ground and back straight which opens up the diaphragm. 

Begin by closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths.  Deep-breathing utilizes the diaphragm and is not like our regular breathing. 

Breathe in through the nose with mouth closed. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils.

As you breathe in, expand your diaphragm located right in the center under your chest area.  Rest your hand there to help you to be more aware. 

After you inhale, hold the breath for about 3-4 counts, then exhale through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  Allow the air to flow naturally.  Do not force it.  Allow your shoulders to sink down with each breath out.

Continue to take 5 or 6 deep breaths or until your breathing is slow and even and your body feels relaxed. 

Now place both hands in front of you, palms facing toward you.

Cross hands one in front of the other and link the thumbs together.  It should look like a butterfly, hence the name of this technique, ‘butterfly hug’.

Now rest your ‘butterfly’ against your chest, right under your collar bones, and gently, VERY SLOWLY pat with your hands from left to right.

Continue to pat left and right while you visualize a calm, relaxing scene in your mind.  See yourself alone there sitting, standing, or laying down.  Notice in your imagination what you can see around you- include colors, light/shadow, objects, and natural elements like grass, plants, clouds, mountains, etc. 

Next, notice what you can feel on your skin and if your body feels light, heavy, or like it is floating.  Go on to notice what you can smell-  i.e. the air, the ocean, perfume, flowers, etc., then what you can taste and hear in the scene.  Remember to just notice without any judgment or thought about what it might mean.  Be sure to continuously pat left and right VERY SLOWLY throughout this exercise.

** If you have trouble connecting to a particular sense, just let it go and move on to one of the other five senses.

It is important to remember that relaxation and exercises like the one above take time and practice.  Each time we practice is an opportunity to increase self-awareness and begin building our self-soothing ‘muscle’.  Building any kind of muscle feels uncomfortable at first, but it gradually becomes easier over time. 

We need to remember to enjoy the process and be gentle with ourselves.

May we all find the inspiration and willingness to embrace what is new and unfamiliar in order to strengthen our true sense of self.