An Exercise in Mindfulness

"Change your thoughts and you can change your world."

-                                                                       -          Norman Vincent Peale

According to the National Science Foundation, the average person has approximately 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day.  An anxious person could probably double that number.  Since our thoughts affect how we feel, whether we are conscious of them or not, it is beneficial to increase our self-awareness in order to change the thoughts that cause anxiety.

The following mindfulness exercise can help us to do this:

Find a quiet, comfortable place to relax. Make sure there are no distractions and that you are sitting in a supportive position or lying flat.  Rest your hands on your lap or at your sides, palms face up, open to receive feelings of peace and relaxation.  Begin to notice your breath. You do not need to alter your breath in any way. Just notice your chest or abdomen rising and falling.  Notice the air as it enters your nostrils, then as you exhale.  We hold a lot of tension in our face, so consciously try to relax your eyelids and your jaw muscles. 

After taking approximately 10 breaths, turn your attention inward to your thoughts.  See your thoughts as colored autumn leaves floating on the surface of a stream.  Notice how some of the leaves float continuously up the stream, while others swirl around in a circular pattern.  These may be repeating thoughts that play like a record and feed fears and insecurities. With curiosity and no judgment see these leaves in your mind and, one by one, allow them to break out of the circle and float up the stream, being led by the current.

Notice how other leaves are stuck behind a tree limb that juts into the water from the shore. These may be stagnant thoughts that do not serve you but that are so familiar you are hesitant to let go of them.  Again, with curiosity and no judgment, see a great ripple in the stream that stirs the leaves out and away from the limb.  See them bobbing on the surface of the water and then joining the other leaves floating up the stream and into the distance.

When practicing mindfulness, we need to remind ourselves that our brain is always generating thoughts; during sleep, in the form of dreams, even during moments of mindfulness. The goal is not to eliminate thoughts altogether but to simply be aware of them without judgment.

May we all be willing to give ourselves the gifts of peace and relaxation and to practice this on a daily basis.

Social Media- To Distract or Not to Distract Part 2

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.  Conscious breathing is my anchor."

 
                                                                        - Thich Nhat Hanh

In the last post, we explored how the use of social media can help us avoid uncomfortable feelings, move away from the present moment, and disconnect from our internal world.  It can offer temporary relief from loneliness, self-doubt, sadness, anxiety, and many other blocks to peace/happiness.  As with any activity, it is always helpful to understand our intent behind it.  When we sign on to a social media site, we can ask ourselves- Why am I choosing to utilize my time in this activity?  When the answer is to bring emotional relief, it may be wise to look inward.  It is easy to become dependent upon something external to help us feel safe, at ease, even loved.  This may sound familiar.  What we are talking about is the essence of an addiction. 

There is a saying in mental health circles-  “Addiction is addiction is addiction...”  Truly, any activity can become addictive, from eating food, shopping online, and going to work to taking pain medication or using alcohol/drugs.  The key to defining addiction is to know the intent behind it. With an addiction, the intent is to temporarily relieve us of an unpleasant emotional state.  If the activity does its job, we return to it again and then again until we have given up power over our internal world.  Hence, the 2^nd step in a 12-step program – "Admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank)".  While there is currently no 12-step group designated to the overuse of social media, its addictive potential should not be dismissed.

Once we have identified our intent to avoid unpleasant emotions, then it is important to maintain our connection to the present moment.  How do we do this?  We can bring our attention to breath and body. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position, making sure the spine is straight and shoulders back. This opens up the diaphragm, located in the center of the ribcage, so that the breath can flow deeply. 

Inhale through the nose with the mouth closed.  As you inhale, notice the temperature of the air touching your nostrils, then flowing down the back of your throat. 

Exhale through the mouth and notice the warmth of the breath as it moves up from the throat. Notice the sound of the breath as well. 

If you find that your mind is jumbled up with thoughts, images, etc. see a snow globe in your mind’s eye. Imagine this is your mind and the bits of snow are just ‘static’.  See the snow floating downward and settling at the bottom of the globe as if this is the static of your mind settling.

Once the static has settled, see a door or a window in your mind’s eye and watch as it opens.  Imagine you are opening your mind to your innermost thoughts and emotions.  Allow whatever comes up to just come up and simply notice the information without judgement.

It is important to remember that there are no ‘shoulds’ to this practice.  We do not need to control the process, just to be present, open, and observant.  We serve only as a witness to what comes up and can respond with simple curiosity.

Social Media- To Distract or Not to Distract Part 1

“The best way out is always through.”

                                                            - Robert Frost

Many of us find ourselves bored and/or anxious during periods of downtime. We know logically that there are multiple tasks/chores we can engage in, however, we long to feel connected.  For many of us, our habit is to turn on the computer, iphone, ipad, and sign in to a social media site like FaceBook or Twitter.  We peruse the posts and the pics of everyday activities and special events alike. The clock ticks as we become more and more involved in the activity.  Gradually, we become more disconnected from ourselves; unaware of our breath, the sensations in our body, our emotions, our internal world. 

Why is this important? When a person disconnects from his/her self it is often a way to avoid unpleasant emotions.  In the modern world there are so many options for distracting from, turning off, and tuning out.  Emotions occur in the body.  They are generated from the brain and, before we are even able to say, for instance, ‘I am angry…’ or anxious, or sad, etc. our body has already experienced the emotion.  When we are not aware of our bodily sensations, we are unable to hear important messages.  Without knowledge of these messages, we are more likely to pursue an activity or a relationship that will, ultimately, be ineffective in fulfilling our needs.

When we are not aware of internal messages, we can experience symptoms such as:

• Insomnia

• Overeating

• Muscle tension/chronic pain

• Obsessive thoughts

• Difficulty concentrating

 The acts of avoiding, detaching, and distracting are, sometimes, referred to as forms of ‘dissociation’.  This is a protective function of the brain that enables us to endure physical/emotional pain.  It is necessary.  Survivors of sexual abuse often describe their experience in this way-“It was like I left my body and I was watching it happen to someone else.”  This form of dissociation preserves the psyche so that ‘parts’ of us can go on to function in everyday life while the painful emotions, negative beliefs about ourselves, and physical sensations we experienced at the time of the disturbing event, can be contained within a designated part of the self.

We also experience dissociation in less disturbing situations. Many of us have driven somewhere but, when we reached our destination, had no recollection of the actual driving experience.  It was as if we drove on autopilot, our body performing the task at hand, our mind somewhere else.  When we dissociate we are not fully in the present moment.  Like the example of sexual abuse illustrates, dissociation causes us to leave our body, therefore, the key to being present is to reconnect with the physical self.  Our body does not exist in the past or the future.   It is grounded right here and now. 

There are, of course, those exceptional situations in which dissociation is necessary and helpful.  What the use of social media can bring out in us is, not an exceptional situation, but the chronic tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings.  These may be the very feelings we need to experience in order to get unstuck in our lives and relationships. 

In the next post, we will explore how to bring awareness back to our bodies, and, consequently, our true emotions.

The Season is Upon Us- Part 3-Expressions of Care

The world around us is filled with all kinds of expression.  Trees and flowers bend toward the sun’s rays, bees hover over an exceptionally sweet flower, blades of grass turn brown when they are thirsty.  Human beings are part of nature and they have different ways of expressing themselves as well.  During the winter holidays it can be helpful not to judge other forms of expression but to try and understand the message behind them.

Look Behind the Action-  Some families are able to verbalize their care and concern and to actually say, “I love you” or “I love sharing the holiday with you”.   Other families express themselves in different ways.  It can be helpful to look for the sentiment behind the actions  of others.  In some families, cooking and sharing food, ironing a shirt, or picking up some key ingredient at the store is a way to express care.  It may be easier for these individuals to offer something concrete and tangible.  

Value the Obvious-  We may overlook the care, time, and effort invested in things that we have stopped noticing because they have always been there.  Consider the care behind a holiday display, decorations, or a table setting.  

Take Things at Face Value- Some relationships may not offer the closeness we desire throughout the year.  During the holiday season, a person may feel that they have ‘permission’ to express themselves more openly, that it is somehow less of a risk at this time.  Rather than dismiss these once-a-year expressions of love and concern, we can take them for what they are in the moment and let go of our resentment.

Be the Difference- We may long for others to set aside their resentments, bitterness, or sadness, during the holidays, however, it is most helpful to keep the focus on ourselves.  We can be the example of holiday spirit acting with compassion, openness, forgiveness, and optimism.  The energy we bring to a situation does affect others in either a negative or positive way.

May we all strive to discover our own forms of expression and to share them in our relationships. Have a peaceful and fulfilling holiday season….

Nurturing the Self- Part 3

The Nurturer part of the Self encourages us to rest and slow down, to create space when we feel overwhelmed, to connect when we need support/guidance, and to nourish our bodies.  These elements are essential to well-being, however, there is a function of the Nurturer part that may be less familiar to us.  This is the ability to emotionally self-soothe.  In order to self-soothe we need to have knowledge of what gives us a sense of safety and comfort.  In a healthy, functioning household a child learns this from a primary caretaker who is able to hold us when frightened, kiss our boo-boos, and rub away a stomach ache.  As our sense of self develops we internalize these soothing actions and ‘carry’ this internal caretaker with us as we go through life.  We are then able to access the Nurturer part as an adult and rely upon our own ability to self-soothe.  For those of us who grew up in a less functional family system, we may not have experienced this type of soothing on a consistent basis or at all, and are, therefore,  unable to access this internal Nurturer for soothing.  

This can be especially problematic growing up with family addiction.  The kind of self-soothing shown to us involved using an external object/activity like drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, etc. to escape our pain.  Despite this, we can learn and become skilled at self-soothing in a healthy way. 

The following exercise can be helpful:

Sit in a comfortable position with feet flat on the ground and back straight which opens up the diaphragm. 

Begin by closing your eyes and taking some deep breaths.  Deep-breathing utilizes the diaphragm and is not like our regular breathing. 

Breathe in through the nose with mouth closed. Notice the temperature of the air as it enters your nostrils.

As you breathe in, expand your diaphragm located right in the center under your chest area.  Rest your hand there to help you to be more aware. 

After you inhale, hold the breath for about 3-4 counts, then exhale through your mouth as if you are blowing through a straw.  Allow the air to flow naturally.  Do not force it.  Allow your shoulders to sink down with each breath out.

Continue to take 5 or 6 deep breaths or until your breathing is slow and even and your body feels relaxed. 

Now place both hands in front of you, palms facing toward you.

Cross hands one in front of the other and link the thumbs together.  It should look like a butterfly, hence the name of this technique, ‘butterfly hug’.

Now rest your ‘butterfly’ against your chest, right under your collar bones, and gently, VERY SLOWLY pat with your hands from left to right.

Continue to pat left and right while you visualize a calm, relaxing scene in your mind.  See yourself alone there sitting, standing, or laying down.  Notice in your imagination what you can see around you- include colors, light/shadow, objects, and natural elements like grass, plants, clouds, mountains, etc. 

Next, notice what you can feel on your skin and if your body feels light, heavy, or like it is floating.  Go on to notice what you can smell-  i.e. the air, the ocean, perfume, flowers, etc., then what you can taste and hear in the scene.  Remember to just notice without any judgment or thought about what it might mean.  Be sure to continuously pat left and right VERY SLOWLY throughout this exercise.

** If you have trouble connecting to a particular sense, just let it go and move on to one of the other five senses.

It is important to remember that relaxation and exercises like the one above take time and practice.  Each time we practice is an opportunity to increase self-awareness and begin building our self-soothing ‘muscle’.  Building any kind of muscle feels uncomfortable at first, but it gradually becomes easier over time. 

We need to remember to enjoy the process and be gentle with ourselves.

May we all find the inspiration and willingness to embrace what is new and unfamiliar in order to strengthen our true sense of self.