Being More Responsive and Less Reactive

“Don’t just do something, sit there.”

                                           --    Slogan from Al-Anon Family Groups **

**Al-Anon Family Groups is a worldwide organization committed to the support of friends and family members of individuals who abuse alcohol.  This is a free membership that welcomes all individuals, regardless of race, culture, gender, or denomination.   www.al-anon.org

Whistling winds, snow-covered window screens, weather updates, and the knowledge that our regular routine will be interrupted.  For some of us, winter weather conditions may cause anxiety about power outages, safety of family members, or getting to work. For others, there may be the frustration and disappointment of cancelled plans.  Still, for others, the winter months may offer an opportunity to stop and just take notice of what is happening around them, to feel humbled by the forces of nature, and to take special care of themselves.

It can be enlightening to think about how winter weather conditions change the normal routine. Do we resist the change or work with ‘what is’?  Like the weather, life in general can be unpredictable and, at times, messy. When we do not accept that something is out of our control, we tend to react rather than actively respond.  Reacting can cause us to:

• Feel a sense of urgency/anxiety.

• Act without thought.

• See few options.

• Focus on fixing what is ‘wrong’.

• Experience tension/tightness in our body.

When we feel out of our control, we try to gain that control back by immediately doing something.  Taking time to think, reflect, notice where our feelings are taking hold in our body, and release them in a healthy way, empowers and enables us to respond in an active (not REactive) way. When we actively respond we tend to :

• Feel a sense of calm alertness.

• Act with true clarity.

• Focus on the opportunity to learn/grow.

• See a variety of options.

• Experience a lightness in our body, especially in the neck and shoulder areas.

A popular phrase used in schools to promote safety when crossing a street. is “STOP, LOOK, LISTEN”, which the Al-Anon Family Groups applies to making decisions and acting on them. In order to reinforce this phrase, we can write it down and post it in a strategic place, such as the car, the bathroom mirror, or the refrigerator. These words can also be used as our cell phone or computer wallpaper.

May we all find the willingness to embrace opportunities which require us to ‘Stop, Look, Listen’ before taking action.

Unhealthy Boundaries- The Barbed-Wire Fence

“When people show you who they are, believe them.”

                                             -        Maya Angelou

 When we communicate a healthy boundary we are straightforward without being insulting, belittling, or abusive in any way.  Sometimes, other people are unhappy with the boundaries we set and we allow them the right to feel that way.  We may decide it is appropriate to tweak the boundary a bit or to stay firm and detach in a healthy way from the responses/reactions.  When boundaries actually do emotional harm to others, they are like barbed-wire fences.  This type of boundary, due to the barbed-wire, is not flexible.  Once a boundary is set, it is immovable and unchangeable.

As long as we do not challenge the boundaries or share our own thoughts/feelings in relation to them, all is well.  The other person may listen to what we have to say, however, the barbed wire remains in place. If a person continues to feel threatened when we try to climb over them, he/she will lash out and cause emotional harm.  We may experience an attack on our character, hurtful name-calling, cursing/swearing, even threats.  The goal is to ensure we do not ever again attempt to challenge the boundaries. 

If, for some reason, we do not notice the barbed-wire wrapped around the top edge of the fence and actually challenge a boundary, it is important to take in and accept the fact that this person’s fear/anxiety about being vulnerable and losing control in relationships will do us harm.  We may then need to walk away and wish that person well.  If this is not possible due to the circumstances, then we  can become more conscious of maintaining emotional distance from him/her.  We do not need to convince the other person they are wrong or hurtful, retaliate, or try to get him/her to remove some of the barbed wire. 

If we are the ones who utilize this type of boundary, we may want explore our fear/anxiety in relationships with a caring, non-judgment, and informed professional.

May we all find the courage to confront our fears in relationships, take steps to create healthier boundaries, and find joy and fulfillment in our connections with others.

 

Unhealthy Boundaries- The Picket Fence

Healthy boundaries create balanced, mutually satisfying connections with other people. They are clear and consistent.  When boundaries change constantly and are not always what they seem to be, they resemble picket fences.  This type of boundary is decorative. It looks like a nice, firm boundary, but is actually easy to climb over and reach through. Those of us who utilize this boundary style actually know what boundaries work for us.  We just do not have the materials/tools to build them.  

The consistent spaces between each picket leave too much wiggle-room for violations to occur.  One side of the communication in relationships sounds like this:

“I guess that’s okay.”  “If you really want to.”  “I am not sure, but it seems like that might work.” 

Once another person figures out how to ‘squeeze through’ these responses, the relationship becomes centered upon his/her needs/wants.  Essentially, the other person ends up in the driver’s seat, climbing over the fence whenever it meets his/her needs.  As a result, we may hold a negative belief about our ineffectiveness in getting needs met in relationships, which eats away at our overall sense of competency.

When we utilize this type of boundary we often feel confused because as far as we are concerned, the fence is there.  Other people are just not taking it seriously.  It is important to consider how much WE value our boundaries and, if we do, then how is it conveyed to other people?  It can be helpful to consider how we might fill in the spaces of the fence with clearer and firmer responses, like, ‘that absolutely does not work for me’ or a direct ‘yes’ or ‘no’. 

We can ask ourselves- what is my worst fear of what will happen if I set a clear boundary?  If we are able to identify potential outcomes that are uncomfortable, then we can prepare appropriate responses.  Essentially, this empowers us to advocate for our own needs in relationships.

In the next chapter, we will explore another unhealthy boundary, the barbed-wire fence, which hurts both ourselves and others.

 

Unhealthy Boundaries- The Cement Wall

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offence.”

    -                  Excerpt From ‘Mending Wall’ by Robert Frost

 

   Boundaries are essential to the health of our relationships. When they are identifiable, clearly communicated, and flexible, boundaries can lay the foundation for an emotionally safe, caring, and mutually fulfilling bond between two people. On the other hand, unhealthy boundaries impact our relationships in ways that can create resentment, codependency, and other unhealthy patterns of behavior. 

  Here is one example of an unhealthy boundary:  

The Cement Wall-  We often hear about the difficulties that a lack of boundaries can create, however, having too many boundaries can cause problems as well.  Boundaries that are rigid, impervious, and unwelcoming are like cement walls. Often, we see them from miles away and the message is clear- ‘stay away’.  Essentially, it is their job to protect that person from feeling emotional pain resulting from rejection, disappointment, or abuse.  Cement walls are very effective, but at a cost. They are so impenetrable that they end up keeping everyone out, even potential friends, partners, lovers, etc.

This type of boundary does not allow information in or out, therefore, we end up missing important clues about other people.  These include the outward or observable signs that let us know if someone is a possible threat or not as well as the subtle signs that tap into our intuition or ‘gut’.  The ability to know who we can and cannot trust develops through our interactions/experiences with others.  The cement wall prevents those interactions from taking place and significantly diminishes our ability to ‘read’ people. We are then left more vulnerable to exactly those hurts and disappointments we are trying to avoid.

Maybe we are in a relationship that has become ‘stuck’ and unable to move toward deeper emotional connection.  We can begin to be honest about our fears/anxieties to ourselves and/or someone we do trust.  For some, it is necessary to speak to a professional counselor or spiritual advisor in order to work on fear that is rooted in past, painful relationship experiences.

In the next chapter, we will explore the picket fence, another type of unhealthy boundary which prevents us from getting our needs met.

 

An Exercise in Being Young at Heart

“And if you should survive to a hundred and five
Look at all you'll derive out of bein' alive
And here is the best part, you have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart.”

-        Song Lyrics by Frank Sinatra & Charles Aznavour

As the end of August draws near, some of us may be feeling like a balloon deflating, wondering, “how did the summer go by so fast?”  This often contrasts significantly with our childhood experience of summer when the days seemed longer, the weeks extended far into the future, and the last day of summer wasn’t even a blip on our radar. 

Become more in-tune with the natural child part of yourself.  That little person is still alive inside all of us.  Some of us are better able to access him/her than others, but this part does exist, whether it is hidden at the core of you, partially visible, or present on a daily basis  

Let your mind float back to an earlier time, see yourself in your mind’s eye at a particular age- go back gradually-see yourself at age 12, 10, 8, 6, etc. as far back as you can.  Take a look at some photos of your younger self.  As you float back, remember the things that were special to you- a toy, article of clothing, artistic creation, book, etc.  Consider why it was special and how you took care of it.  Apply the same care and positive energy to all of your adult needs - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual - by doing the following:

·         Be attentive/ Focus your energy

·         Be gentle and use care

·         Protect from harm

·         Mend what needs fixing

·         Replace lost parts with something new & different

·         Share with those you trust                                                        

·         Allow for some ‘wear & tear’

One of the most important elements to be conscious of is our natural child’s ability to be fully present- letting go of distractions, past regrets, and future worries.  When you are able to hold an image of that little person, at whatever age, in your mind’s eye, it may help to engage in a breathing exercise. 

The following steps describe, what is called in yoga, the three-part breath:

1.      This deep breathing technique can be done either sitting or lying flat.

2.      Close your eyes and place one palm on the area just below your belly button, and one the palm of the other hand on the center of your chest.

3.      Breathe in through your nose with your mouth closed.

4.      As you breathe in, extend your stomach, feeling the expansion with your palm.  

5.      Pause for half a second, then take another breath through your nose, feeling your your rib cage and diaphragm expand.  

6.      Pause your breath and inhale again, this time from your upper chest. You may feel some movement in your shoulders.

7.      Exhale as if you are blowing through a straw, nice and slow, and be aware of the sound of your breath.

May we all find the time and motivation to honor that little child inside of us and experience feelings of calm, creativity, and passion for living.