Unhealthy Boundaries- The Picket Fence

Healthy boundaries create balanced, mutually satisfying connections with other people. They are clear and consistent.  When boundaries change constantly and are not always what they seem to be, they resemble picket fences.  This type of boundary is decorative. It looks like a nice, firm boundary, but is actually easy to climb over and reach through. Those of us who utilize this boundary style actually know what boundaries work for us.  We just do not have the materials/tools to build them.  

The consistent spaces between each picket leave too much wiggle-room for violations to occur.  One side of the communication in relationships sounds like this:

“I guess that’s okay.”  “If you really want to.”  “I am not sure, but it seems like that might work.” 

Once another person figures out how to ‘squeeze through’ these responses, the relationship becomes centered upon his/her needs/wants.  Essentially, the other person ends up in the driver’s seat, climbing over the fence whenever it meets his/her needs.  As a result, we may hold a negative belief about our ineffectiveness in getting needs met in relationships, which eats away at our overall sense of competency.

When we utilize this type of boundary we often feel confused because as far as we are concerned, the fence is there.  Other people are just not taking it seriously.  It is important to consider how much WE value our boundaries and, if we do, then how is it conveyed to other people?  It can be helpful to consider how we might fill in the spaces of the fence with clearer and firmer responses, like, ‘that absolutely does not work for me’ or a direct ‘yes’ or ‘no’. 

We can ask ourselves- what is my worst fear of what will happen if I set a clear boundary?  If we are able to identify potential outcomes that are uncomfortable, then we can prepare appropriate responses.  Essentially, this empowers us to advocate for our own needs in relationships.

In the next chapter, we will explore another unhealthy boundary, the barbed-wire fence, which hurts both ourselves and others.