The consistent spaces between each picket leave too much
wiggle-room for violations to occur. One
side of the communication in relationships sounds like this:
“I guess that’s okay.”
“If you really want to.” “I am
not sure, but it seems like that might work.”
Once another person figures out how to ‘squeeze through’
these responses, the relationship becomes centered upon his/her
needs/wants. Essentially, the other
person ends up in the driver’s seat, climbing over the fence whenever it meets
his/her needs. As a result, we may hold
a negative belief about our ineffectiveness in getting needs met in
relationships, which eats away at our overall sense of competency.
When we utilize this type of boundary we often feel confused
because as far as we are concerned, the fence is there. Other people are just not taking it
seriously. It is important to consider
how much WE value our boundaries and, if we do, then how is it conveyed to other
people? It can be helpful to consider
how we might fill in the spaces of the fence with clearer and firmer responses,
like, ‘that absolutely does not work for me’ or a direct ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
We can ask ourselves- what is my worst fear of
what will happen if I set a clear boundary?
If we are able to identify potential outcomes that are uncomfortable,
then we can prepare appropriate responses.
Essentially, this empowers us to advocate for our own needs in
relationships.
In the next chapter, we will explore another unhealthy
boundary, the barbed-wire fence, which hurts both ourselves and
others.