Boundaries with Difficult People

We have probably all had our fair share of dealings with over-bearing, critical, and self-absorbed individuals. We may try our hardest to understand and empathize with them, but often fail, not because we are flawed in any way, but because it is difficult to see the ‘good parts’ hidden beneath their difficult exteriors. We know we have crossed the path of a difficult person when we experience the following:

A sense of being invisible in a conversation/situation

An immediate need for space/privacy

A sense of being attacked

The need to yell in order to be heard

Shock/confusion

In order to interact with these individuals in a way that maintains our own emotional balance, self-respect, and sense of control, we need to know that it is All About Boundaries. The question is: How much of the other person are we willing to allow into our physical, emotional, and spiritual space.  Only we, ourselves, can know our level of tolerance.

When setting boundaries it helps to consider the following:

Enlist help-  If the difficult person is someone we share a long history with, fails to tone down his/her behavior, even in the presence of others, or happens to push that especially sensitive button for us, we may need to ask for the help of someone we trust and who agrees to lend support.  For example, we might enlist help by meeting/speaking with the person prior to the upcoming interaction and create a ‘plan’.  A cell phone can be a helpful tool.  We can text the person, while in the situation, with an agreed-upon code word/phrase like, ‘Help’, ‘Need you’, or ‘Red Alert’.  This is the cue for our support person to intervene as agreed upon. 

Be super-clear and direct- While the commonly suggested phrase, “I am not comfortable with….” sounds clear, direct, and very adult, this may not register with a difficult person.  More often than not, a resounding ‘no’ is all that will do.  How we say something is just as important as what we say.  We may want to ‘try on’ various ways of delivering our ‘no’. It can help to practice with others before interacting with our difficult person.  If that word just feels too aggressive for us, we can try:  ‘I am unable to do that, help with that, participate, etc.’; ‘That absolutely does not work for me.’

Answer with a question-  We do not have to be put on the defensive and explain ourselves when dealing with a difficult person.  It is important to throw the ball back into the other person’s court.  We can answer a question with a question like:  ‘Why do you ask?’; ‘What makes you ask that?’;  ‘Are you uncomfortable with that?’

Difficult people can cause us to feel drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It is necessary to truly take care of ourselves prior to an encounter, if possible, and certainly after the encounter if we feel out of sorts.  We need to be gentle with ourselves, try not to judge our efforts, and remind ourselves that regardless of the outcome, an interaction is just an opportunity to know ourselves better.

May we practice healthy boundary-setting in relationships with those we find most challenging.