Shedding Old Relationship Behaviors

“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit.”

-          Henry David Thoreau

Fall is a time of transition when we store away our garden treasures, welcome back the flavor of spiced pumpkin, and go apple-picking.  Just as we experience a parting in nature when leaves turn color and fall, we experience a parting of old relationship behaviors when we begin to build healthier connections with others. Changing our behavior can create feelings of anxiety, sadness, frustration, and overwhelm. 

Here are some ways to utilize Fall as an opportunity for thinking about how we manage change and transition. 

Temperature- It takes our body time to adjust to the increasingly colder temperatures.  Some people resist this, wearing flip-flops and shorts into November and refusing to dress in layers.  They often explain, “I don’t feel the cold”.  Others allow their bodies time to adjust.  They dress in layers and shed their clothing as the day progresses, then layer up as the evening chill sets in.  As they do this, they are aware or mindful of their body temperature.  This requires being present, aware of our body, and able to accept‘what is’.  We can apply this to relationships.  As we change our responses to other people and practice new ways of communicating, we benefit from being mindful of a relationship’s emotional ‘temperature’.  Are we feeling ‘cold’ and disconnected, comfortable and at an ‘even’ temperature, or ‘hot’ and overwhelmed/angry?  As we become more aware, we are then able to adjust our behavior to ‘what is’.  This may mean communicating more in order to connect, creating more ‘space’ between us and the other person in order to decrease overwhelm, or letting go and allowing things to unfold in order to decrease frustration.

Shedding- As the transition into Fall progresses, trees shed their colored leaves.  It is a gradual process that takes time.  Natural disasters aside, we do not wake up one morning to discover every tree leaf-less.  This is true of our old relationship behaviors.  We are engaging in a process when we begin to take on new ideas and new ways of being in relationships.  In a sense, we are shedding what is no longer necessary to our growth.  This can be accompanied by feelings of discomfort.  It is important to allow these feelings to surface and to work through them.  It can be hard work raking and gathering our fallen leaves just as it is hard work letting go of unhealthy relationship habits.  It requires us to be present and mindful of the work we are doing and to trust that the buds of our new relationship behaviors will bloom in the near future. 

Just as each season is an opportunity for change and a promise for future growth, each relationship is an opportunity.  May we discover meaning and beauty in each relationship and each season.

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