Relationships and the Nature of Nurturing

A healthy relationship is one that demonstrates the ability to change and grow.  We can look at it as a living organism that will not continue to function effectively without nurturing.  The positive effects of nurturing are directly related to the amount of effort we are willing to expend.  It is not enough for us to  feel a relationship is important.  We must act on our desire to achieve mutual fulfillment in our connections with others.

An activity that enables us to demonstrate nurturing is to grow a plant from seed.   It is not so important what kind of seed we choose from simple grass seed to a particular flower or herb.  The main thing is to commit to the task and to be present, mentally as well as physically.  

The steps necessary for growing a plant can be applied to the practice of nurturing our relationships. 

Gather tools/resources-  What do we need  to have in place in order to begin nurturing?  Just as we gather our packet of seeds, potting soil, supply of water, and pot/container, we need to gather our resources. Outer resources can include a session with a professional counselor, a more informal meeting with a close friend or mentor,  or a book, article, or internet blog on healthy relationship-building.  We can access our inner resources through specific activities that help us to be in tune with our inner selves such as, a meditation or self-relaxation practice, journal writing, or an artistic/creative project. What is essential is that we are able to nurtureourselves.  When we feel good about ourselves, we are better able to help others feel good about themselves. 

Seek the best light-  Positive thoughts directly influence how we feel about things.  Just as we need to place our seed container in a spot that offers the best sunlight, we need to see our relationship in the best light.  We can focus on the strengths of the other person and remind ourselves of what truly connects us to him/her.  This also applies to the relationship itself.  We might write down or just spend some time remembering those moments when the relationship felt most balanced and most fulfilling. Just as our little seeds will direct their energy toward warmth and light in order to grow, we must direct our will toward what is positive about each other in order for our relationship to grow toward its full potential.

Check in- It is helpful to remain mindful of the relationship.  If our intention is to help our seeds flourish, we must not leave their container on the windowsill, walk away, and ignore it.  Relationships require consistent care and attention.  It is important to check in with the other person and to actively listen to what his/her needs consistent of.  We then need to share our own needs and some of the ‘light’ that we experience through our connection to this person using either words or actions.

It is important to embrace the beauty of the process in our relationships and to view them as opportunities rather than final destinations. May this blog inspire us to plant the seeds of a new relationship or nurture the seeds of an existing one.

HAPPY SPRING!

 

 

The Keystones of a Healthy Relationship

When we are beginning a relationship, re-defining an established one, or expanding our support network, it is helpful to identify our non-negotiables.  These are relationship elements that we are not willing to do without or compromise on. They are like keystones. When we look at ancient Greek architecture we see beautiful stone archways that are still standing today.  They were engineered using a system in which a larger keystone was wedged into the center of the smaller stones to create thrust. The pressure of each stone against the other created a sort of ‘glue’ that made the arch strong and kept it from falling apart.   While relationships vary, there are specific elements- big, solid keystones- which keep our relationships strong and intact over time.

HERE ARE EXAMPLES OF NON-NEGOTIABLES:

Say what you mean, mean what you say- This relationship element is essential to the development of trust.  When we trust another we feel emotionally secure.  We challenge trust in us when we yes when we mean no and vice versa.  When someone accepts a specific response from us, we cause confusion when our attitude and behavior reflect the opposite. It is then difficult for others to trust our words. 

Acknowledge what is positive - We can ask ourselves, ‘Does this person make me feel good about who I am as a unique and separate human being?  A long-lasting relationship is one that enables us to actualize our skills, knowledge, and natural abilities in order to continue growing emotionally.  We challenge this growth in another person when we fail to recognize and encourage his/her strengths. This keeps the person ‘stuck’ emotionally and the relationship suffers.

Put love into action- In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, Stephen Covey discusses the definition of the word ‘love’ as a verb, not a noun.  Love is expressed by what we do for others, the sacrifices we are willing to make.  This relationship element becomes challenged when we stop paying attention to the little things that matter so much.  We do not have to throw someone an extravagant party, buy an expensive gift, or plan an extensive vacation to a faraway destination.  When small, everyday acts of kindness become a consistent part of our interactions, we let others know that they are important to us.  Here are some ideas:

• Mail or email a ‘thinking of you’ card or give someone a ‘just checking in’ call.

• Make a thank you more than just words and send a card, special email, or make a specific phone call to express it.

• Share what you have in your life.   Lend a book, magazine, DVD, or article of clothing someone admires.

• Have a special object that symbolizes the care and concern that is shared in the relationship and trade it back/forth whenever one of you needs it most and is facing a difficult challenge.

The dynamic or energy that is generated as these relationship elements- keystones- are exchanged between us is the ‘glue’ that enables our relationships to endure over time.

May we all work toward identifying and honoring our non-negotiables as we build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

 

 

 

Accepting Help from Others- Part 2- How Givers Benefit

For those of us who become anxious about accepting assistance and who tend to avoid ‘bothering’ others, it is important to understand that our helpers benefit when we accept their assistance graciously and express heartfelt gratitude. 

Empowerment- When we are exposed to an individual or group of individuals who are struggling and in crisis, we may feel compassion, sadness, empathy.  These emotions can motivate us to carry out acts of kindness.  When our efforts are ‘blocked’ by another person’s refusal to accept help, we often feel helpless and ineffective.  When individuals accept assistance, they are empowering the giver as well as themselves.  Stephen Covey, best-selling author of the book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” calls this a WIN-WIN situation. 

Mind/Body Health- We now know that giving to others affects brain chemicals in a healthy way.  When an exchange of kindness takes place between individuals, serotonin, the chemical which boosts our mood, is increased for both the giver and the receiver.  Endorphines are released as well, which help us to feel pleasure and decrease our sensitivity to pain.  All of this leads up to a healthier immune system.  When we accept help from others, we offer the givers an opportunity to experience mind/body health.  To read more on this, check out Wayne Dyer’s book, “The Power of Intention”.

Increased Social Network- Very often, the most sincere and timely assistance comes from people we hardly know or have a limited acquaintance with.  Offering assistance shows care and concern and can be a way for someone, who is unsure of themselves or the status of a relationship, to initiate a connection.  Accepting help from these individuals offers the givers, as well as ourselves, the opportunity to develop a brand-new relationship or to deepen an existing one. 

May we all embrace opportunities for exchanges of kindness to happen and the chance to deepen our faith in and our compassion toward other human beings.

 

 

 

Overcoming Resistance to Change- Part 2- How Resistance Expresses Itself

Now that we have explored the emotional blocks that can hinder change in our lives, it is important to identify the ways in which our resistance expresses itself.  In order to work on getting unblocked, we need to become more aware of when resistance occurs.

HERE ARE SOME SIGNS THAT CAN INDICATE RESISTANCE:

Consistent use of the phrase “I know”- When we are unhappy or dissatisfied with our present circumstance, we often complain to other people, venting our frustration.  Consequently, our listener often interjects with a suggestion or encouragement about how we might make a change.    If we automatically respond with “I know”, but really don’t, this can be a way of avoiding further talk of change.  We may also truly know about what the other person is suggesting, but have not been able to act on it.  This can signify the conflict, described in the previous chapter, between our intellectual functioning and our emotional readiness to enact change.

Creating Obstacles- Whenever we step outside of what is familiar, we encounter ‘newness’.  However, our perception of what is new directly influences our ability to take a step.  Do we interpret the unfamiliar as an obstacle to achieving our goal or as a challenge which will ultimately help us to learn a new skill, develop a new talent, or add to our existing knowledge? When we learn about ways to change our situation for the better, do we find obstacles to each action?  Obstacles very often validate our fear of change and become reasons not to move forward.

Over-researching/Over-preparing- It can be beneficial to gather information and resources prior to making a change in our circumstance, however, when this step extends past a reasonable period of time, we may be avoiding making progress toward our goal. There comes a time to take action whether we feel prepared or not.  It can be helpful to establish a specific time frame as we move toward change.   

Any act of change requires an element of faith- in ourselves, other people, and the universe.  We can never know if a certain step will change our lives for the better if we do not act.

**This post can help us to think about the way our own resistance shows itself. If you would like to share your thoughts and reactions, feel free to post a comment below.

In the next chapter, we will look at ways to work through our fear in order to move forward.

Accepting Help from Others- Part1- How Receivers Benefit

For many of us, accepting help from others can be a challenge. A crisis can trigger feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. Allowing others to help us can cause us to think we are ‘in debt’ to another person or in a ‘one-down’ position.  Due to this, we may deny ourselves any form of assistance.  Struggling through crisis by ourselves can give us a sense of control over a situation, however, in the long run we often end up feeling isolated, emotionally disconnected, and even more helpless.  Accepting help is an important way in which we take care of ourselves. 

HERE ARE WAYS THAT ACCEPTING HELP BENEFITS US:

Connection- When we accept help from others we are practicing cooperation and working together within our community of friends/neighbors/family.  Connecting with others fosters a feeling of empowerment, gives us hope, and helps us to keep our perspective.  When in crisis, many of us develop tunnel vision, viewing our situation in a narrow way which can prevent us from seeing options.  Other people can give us a different perspective when they are situated outside the crisis and looking in. If we are in a crisis of a more global nature, connection to others is just as important as we lean on one another for support, validation, and understanding.  This relates to the ‘all in the same boat’ concept where everyone is on equal ground. 

Humility- Accepting help from others can connect us to our spiritual selves.  A fundamental element of any spiritual practice is to be humble, acknowledging that we cannot know it all or do it all ourselves.  We are part of a greater whole- a link within the chain of our families, neighborhoods, earth, and the universe.  When we see ourselves from this perspective, we can be more open to the exchanges between links which are necessary for surviving and thriving in our world.

"Just as water cannot collect on mountain peaks, so good qualities and blessings cannot gather on the rocky peaks of pride."- Geshe Kelsang Gyatso's Transform Your Life: A Blissful Journey.

In the next chapter, we will look at how givers benefit when they offer help to others.